How do you Feel? O - R

Obstinate
Old
Open
Optimistic
Original
Out of my own control
Overloaded
Overwhelmed

Particular
Passionate
Patient
Peaceful
Peculiar
Peeved
Pensive
Persevering
Persecuted
Persistent
Pessimistic
Philosophical
Platonic
Playful
Poisonous
Polite
Poor
Possessed
Possessive
Potent
Powerful
Prejudiced
Precious
Prickly
Prisoner
Privileged
Private
Progressive
Prominent
Protected
Protective
Proud
Pure
Purposeful
Purposeless
Puzzled

Radiant
Rage
Reassured
Rebellious
Redundant
Regretful
Rejected
Resolute
Resolved
Resourceful
Responsive
Restrained
Restricted
Respected
Respectable
Respectful
Ridiculed
Ridiculous
Ripped off
Rotten
Ruffled
Ruthless

More labels for feelings for you to identify in yourself and practice reflecting to the others in your life...

How Do You Feel? J - N

Jaded
Jealous
Jovial
Joyful
Just
Justified

Kind
Knowing

Lazy
Levelheaded
Liberated
Light headed
Limited
Linked
Lonely
Lost
Loving
Loyal
Longing
Loved
Lucky
Lustful
Lusted after

Mad
Malicious
Malignant
Manipulating
Manipulative
Masculine
Masterly
Melencholy
Mentally ill
Mild
Mischievous
Miserable
Misleading
Misled
Misunderstood
Mistreated
Mocked
Mocking
Moderate
Mopey
Motherly
Mournful
Mourning
Muddled
Mundane

Naïve
Naked
Nasty
Naughty
Negative
Neglected
Nervous
Nonplussed
Noticed
Nourished
Nourishing
Nurturing
Numb

When last do you feel any of these feelings?
When last did you tell someone how you were feeling?

How Do You Feel? G - J

Generous
Genial
Gentle
Genuine
Glum
Gracious
Grateful
Grave
Greedy
Gregarious
Grieved
Grieving
Groaning
Growing
Guilty
Gullible
Gutless
Gutsy


Harassed
Harried
Hard headed
Hard hearted
Hated
Hateful
Haunted
Heartbroken
Helpless
Holy
Honest
Honourable
Honoured
Hopeful
Hopeless
Horrible
Horrified
Hostile
Humble
Humbled
Humerous
Humiliated
Hurt
Happy
Honest
Humble
Hurried


Inadequate
Ignorant
Ignored
Immature
Important
Impressed
Impressive
Imprisoned
Inadequate
Incapable
Inconspicuous
Indecicive
Independent
Indignant
Inferior
Influential
Inquisitive
Insecure
Insignificant
Insistent
Intelligent
Intense
Interested
Interesting
Intimate
Intimidated
Intollerant
Intuitive
Inviting
Irritable
Irritated
Irritating


Jaded
Jealous
Jovial
Joyful
Just
Justified

Can you recognise how others look and sound when they feel some of these feelings?
Are you aware how YOU look and sound when you feel any of these feelings?

How Do You Feel? D - F

Dammed
Damned
Dangerous
Daring
Dead
Deceived
Deceitful
Decent
Decisive
Defenceless
Defensive
Delighted
Delightful
Dependant
Depressed
Desparate
Determined
Devastated
Devoted
Different
Difficult
Diplomatic
Dirty
Disappointed
Disconnected
Discouraged
Discriminated against
Disgusted
Disillusioned
Dismayed
Disobedient
Distracted
Disturbed
Dominant
Dominated
Doubtful
Dour
Dreamy
Dumb
Dutiful
Dying


Eager
Earnest
Ecstatic
Endangered
Engraciated
Engraciating
Enticing
Envious
Equal
Esteemed
Excitable
Excited
Exhausted
Expectant
Exploited
Exposed
Extravagant
Exuberant
Evil


Fair
Fainthearted
Faithful
Fake
Fascinated
Fascinating
Fastidious
Favoured
Fearful
Feminine
Fierce
Fighting mood
Firm
Flippant
Flirting
Forgetful
Forgiving
Forgiven
Forgotten
Foolish
Fragile
Frank
Frantic
Fraudulent
Frazzled
Freakish
Free
Friendly
Frightened
Frightening
Frustrated
Frustrating
Fulfilled
Funny
Fussy

Increase your vocabulary of words to define feelings.

Learn to notice what you are feeling.
Learn to express appropriately what what you are feeling.
Learn to identify when others have strong feelings - expressed or not.
Learn to reflect other's feelings accurately.

How DO you Feel? A - C

Increase your Emotional Intelligence and vocabulary of feeling descriptions:
Do you recognise when YOU feel:
Do you recognise when your spouse feels:

Able
Abused
Accepted
Accepting
Accomodating
Adequate
Admired
Admiring
Adored
Adoring
Adult
Adventurous
Affectionate
Afraid
Aggressive
Agony
Aimless
Airy Fairy
Alert
Alive
Aloof
Alluring
Amazed
Ambitious
Ambivilent
Amused
Angry
Annoyed
Anticipating
Anxious
Apathetic
Apologetic
Appreciated
Appreciative
Approachable
Argumentative
Ashamed
Assertive
Assisted
Attentive
Attracted
Attractive
Autonomous
Aware

Baffled
Balanced
Baleful
Bashful
Beaten
Begging
Betrayed
Bewildered
Bitter
Blessed
Boasting
Bold
Bombarded
Bored
Boring
Broken hearted
Brooding
Busy

Calm
Calculating
Candid
Capable
"Carbon Copy"
Carefree
Careless
Caring
Caustic
Cautious
Challenged
Cheated
Cheerful
Childish
Childlike
Churned up
Clean
Clear
Clever
Comfortable
Comforted
Committed
Competent
Complaining
Complaicant
Compliant
Conceited
Concientious
Concerned
Condescending
Condescended to
Confident
Confined
Conflicted
Confused
Connected
Consecrated
Conservative
Consientious
Consistent
Conspicuous
Content
Content
Contrite
Controlled
Cowardly
Coy
Cranky
Crazy
Creative
Crippled
Critical
Criticized
Cross
Cruel
Curious
Curt
Curtailed
Cut off
Cynical

Learn to recognise these in yourself and your spouse.

Learn to say "You look/sound ....."
"I am ......"
"I am wondering if you feel ....."

More feeling words to come - there are lots!

Exploratory Questions

Here are some exploratory questions for you to ask yourself that might just jump-start you to see your way forward in your own life:


Choose any issue in your own life that you would like to explore

Who are all of the other people involved in this issue?

What other areas of my life are affected by this issue?

What developmental stages am I going through now in my life?

What developmental stages are the other people involved with this issue experiencing?

What about this issue might be dangerous/hazardous… to me/other(s)…
in what ways?

Who believes what about this issue?
What do I believe?
What do the other(s) believe?

Examine each of the beliefs:
which are good and true and useful?
To whom?

Which of these beliefs (my own/other(s)) are stereotypes…
which are assumptions?

How is the way I am dealing with the situation helping ME?
(I am always helped in some way or other by the way I deal with things)

Who else is helped by the way I am dealing with the situation?

How is the way I am dealing with this issue hindering ME?
(I am always hindered in some way or other by the way I deal with things)

Who else is hindered, and in what way, by the way I am dealing with this issue?

In what way may the “helping” not be helpful?

In what way may the “hindering” not be hindering?

What other alternatives have I tried?
With what results?
For whom?

Do I persist with methods that do not work for me/other(s)?
Why?

The more I … (fill in the blank) the more… (fill in the blank).

The less I… the less…

The more I... the less...

The less I... the more...

What are the effects of the way I am handling things?
On me?
On other(s)?

How are these consequences what I want?

How are they what I do not want?

Are they useful to anyone?
Is this what I want?

What would I be busy with right now if I weren’t dealing with this issue?

What is the positive in this situation?
(There is always something positive – not always desirable to me and/or others).

What is the negative in the situation?
(There is always something negative – also not always desirable to me/others).

How can I turn my less effective words/actions/thoughts into more effective ones?

What am I gaining by holding my position on this issue?

What am I losing by maintaining my position on this issue?

These are three choices:
1. I can carry on in the same way
2. I can do/think/say something different/differently
3. I can find out and deal with the underlying issues

Which alternative will I/do I choose?
Why?

Will this change be a change towards/away from more effective living?
Why?

Can I do it on my own?
Do I need help?
Who might be able to help me?

How will I go about getting help (if I need it)?

Where do I see a start/continuation to my journey in a different direction?

When will I make a change?

What might be stopping me from making a change?

What can I do about that obstacle to turn it into a stepping stone?

I will continue to explore until I begin to see the path forward.
I will take one step at a time as long as I feel, through the promptings of the Spirit, that it is the right step to take in this circumstance at this time with the resources that are mine.

On your marks - Me… get set - Me… GROW!

The Drama Triangle

Steven Karpman (Transactional Analyst) devised a simple yet powerful diagram to help us understand our relationship with some people. He called it THE DRAMA TRIANGLE.
He suggests that we can frequently take on one of the roles of the Drama Triangle - if we are less aware!

We each have our favourite position that is our habit. We also slip into the other two positions. What is your favourite - see if you can identify it...

Persecutor
Rescuer
Victim

As a Persecutor I view the other (less consciously) as "Less Than I am" and persecute them - I see them as being "one-down".
As a Persecutor (Active or Passive) I ignore the dignity, value and uniqueness of the others in my life.

As a Rescuer I view myself (less consciously) as "More Than" the other/s. I offer/force on them "help" from my "one-up" position.
"I have to help you because you are not good enough/smart enough to help yourself".
As a Rescuer I ignore the ability of other people to think differently to me and to act on their own initiative and solve their own problems.

As a Victim I (less consciously) view myself (or allow other people to see me) in a "one-down" position.
Sometimes, as the Victim, I subtly seek or invite/allow a Persecutor to put me down and push me around.
Sometimes, as the Victim, I naively seek or invite/allow a Rescuer who will offer help and confirm my Victim beliefs:
"I can't cope on my own."
"You know more than I do."
"There is nothing I can do to get out of this."
As a Victim I ignore my own dignity, value and iniative - I see myself as someone worthy of no more than rejection and belittling. I see myself as in need of help in order to think straight, act, or make decisions.

I step into the Drama Triangle by taking on one of the roles and inviting others to take on a reciprocal role; or I am invited into the Drama Triangle by someone else who initiates the "DRAMA".

This happens without my, or usually your, awareness. We learnt our habitual roles in the homes of our childhood where they were one of the means of survival in our circumstances there, 'favourable' or 'unfavourable'.

I can know that I have stepped into A Drama Triangle by one or more of these five identifying factors:

1 Repetition: What is happening/is going to happen is repetitive. It has happened before and will follow the same pattern as before and next time. "Here I go again! Why do I/we keep doing this?!"

2 Two levels: One level is the apparent level: the social level - the "act". The other level is the psychological level - the "real" level. Two different levels of communication are going on at the same time. Mixed messages (mine and/or yours) are in abundance.

3 Feel bad: The end of the Drama, which may be short or long in duration, is that I, and sometimes/often, you, feel a familiar, unsatisfying, frustrating "bad" feeling.

4 The "Switch"/Surprise: The Drama Triangle always includes "the switch". This is a moment of confusion and surprise. At this point you have the sensation that something lousily unexpected has happened - again. Somehow, I and others have switched roles. "I was playing the Victim/Persecutor/Rescuer, now I am in another of the roles! What happened?!"

5 The problem is not solved - again!: It was not solved in the past. There is now another problem that is being added to our heap of previously unsolved problems.


There are REAL persecutors, rescuers and victims in the world. The Persecutors, Rescuers and Victims involved in The Drama Triangle are not real - they are taking on a role - they are like actors in a play, following a script, and finding that they are no different after the interactions than before the DRAMA.

Why do I enter The Drama Triangle? It is no fun. I do it because I unconsciously learnt how to do it to get what I needed when I was a child. It worked then. The problem is that I am no longer the 'child' in the home I was in as a child. I am now an 'adult' in my circumstances now. My out-dated strategies no longer are appropriate, nor problem solving, nor are they effective for me any more in my present day-to-day.

How do I "STOP" The Drama Triangle dynamics? As soon as I identify that I am in A Drama Triangle, again, either before the unpleasant Switch or after, I choose to step out. I refuse to carry on my part of the "act".

No pointing fingers "See what YOU are doing to me..."

I simply refuse to carry on playing whatever part I find myself playing.
I simply STOP. "I need to take a time-out and think..."
I simply look around me, listen and THINK.
I simply decide what I will, and will not do at this point of the unfolding conversation.
I simply do what I have decided to do.

If it all still messes up again,
I simply repeat the simple steps above.

I choose to be quiet and figure out how I can get really to my "real".
"If at first I don't succeed, I will try,try, try again, until I do."

I, as the Persecutor, may say something like "I've been grinding you again. I am sorry. I actually care about you. Give me a minute. I will be behaving more patiently and honestly from now on."

I, as the Rescuer may say something like "Here I go again, I'm trying to solve your problem for you. Give me a minute... What ideas have you had so far? How can I really help you?"

Just because someone ASKS for help (verbally or non-verbally), doesn't mean they actually DO need MY help.)

I, as the Victim (the Victim is the one with the greatest power to change the "play") may say something like "I have just realised that I feel like/am acting helpless. I am not. Let me get my brain and body out of 'neutral' and 'into gear', and THINK. I'll come back to you if I really am stuck and need your help. Thanks."

These are learnt, life-long patterns, and usually multi-generational. They are frequently, persistently resist to change.
Outwit, outlast and out-play your habitual self.
Many before you have done it. Many after you will do it too.
You can do it every day until new patterns form in your interactions - if you make up your mind to do it.

Every little bit of progress in stepping out of The Drama Triangles of your life will be a significant triumph.

"I am moving towards more real interactions with people."

"I am moving towards more real problem solving in my life."

"I am moving towards less 'feeling bad' that is unproductive." I may 'feel (productively) bad' now as I move into these new and unfamiliar patterns. This will pass with support from different people whose lives are more effective and problem-solving and peaceful, as I want mine to be.

"I am moving towards being more honestly and openly my whole self" - not operating on two levels any more in the same old, repetitive, frustrating and down-spirallingly agonising way.

"I am moving towards having less unpleasant "switches/surprises" in my life" - and towards knowing more often, and more gracefully, what to do.

"I am moving towards more understanding of what is actually happening" - in my interactions with the other people in my life. When I see the truth and understand it - I will be free to be my better 'me'".

With practice I can increasingly identify my own, and others', invitations into A Drama Triangle, and I can then choose to step out sooner.
I can THINK and identify the real needs (mine and others'), and find straight, honest and real ways to meet them.

I will be taking a risk.
I will have to put in effort to learn to do it.
I will have to think!
I will live more productively and consciously.
These dynamics are subtle sometimes.
I will ask for any help I need from those who REALLY can help me live less Dramatically and more productively every day.

Degrees of Discomfort

Choose one of these words, or other negative
upsetting, disturbing words to describe your feeling:

Discomfort, fear, obsession, addiction, horror,
urge, desire, anger, rage, fury, terror, misery.

Now breathe deeply. Require your mind and your feelings to move steadily and gradually from the higher to the lower numbers. Be gentle with yourself. Be in charge of yourself. Keep breathing deeply. Relax your body and face more and more.

Over time become better at moving your thoughts and feelings from higher to lower scores.

10 My ………….. is the worst it can possibly be. Intolerable! I am panicked!

9 My ………….. is very close to intolerable.

8 My ………….. is very severe.

7 My ………….. is severe.

6 My ………….. is very uncomfortable.

5 My ………….. is uncomfortable, but I can stand it.

4 My ………….. is noticable and bothersome but I can bear it...

3 I feel a degree of ………., but I am totally in control.

2 I'm rather calm, quite relaxed, with no ………….

1 I'm totally relaxed, perfectly calm.

Gradually train yourself to notice your pending anxiety earlier and stay close to the 1 - 5 range most of the time.

Acknowledgement: Dr James V Durlacher, Roger J Callaghan Ph.D
"Freedom from Fear Forever" p45

Difficult People

Difficult people are hostile, critical and manipulative. They try to intimidate you actively or passively. Although they are only three to five percent of the population, they create more than half of our everyday problems.

Certainly we can all be miserable, adversarial and pretty unpleasant at times.
Difficult People are this way virtually all of the time.
They go straight for the jugular.
Their only objective is to win, regardless of who stands in the way.
They don’t know any other way to be in relationship with another.

Understand where they are coming from: Generally these people are unhappy, insecure and have low self-esteem. Like all human beings, all they want is to be loved and accepted – although they actually push people away from them. Like all un-confident people, their insatiable need to feel worthwhile makes it necessary for them to win – and to win at all cost. It’s about survival for them.

CHECK: Is he/she one of the Difficult People of the world?
Is this behavioural pattern usual or unusual for this person?
The Difficult Person is this way most of the time.
Although hostile at first, the non-difficult person will eventually respond to effective communication and rational reasoning.
The Difficult Person will be relentless in their pursuit to win.
Are you also a Difficult Person?

Three coping strategies that might come in useful when dealing with a Difficult Person:

1. Remember: YOU will never change the Difficult Person. If they ever change it will be because they decide they need to change. Treat them compassionately, calmly and decently in the meantime. Learn how to choose your own respectable behaviour rather than re-act to their disrespectful, hurtful behaviour. Be a breath of “fresh, clean air” in his/her life.

2. Remain focused and firm. Like spiders spinning their web, the Difficult Person is trying to trap you. They want you to lose control and fight with them. When that happens they “gotcha”.
· Listen carefully to them. Concentrate. Think.
· Maintain direct, gentle-and-yet-firm eye contact.
· When appropriate, speak briefly in a mild, clear, steady voice.
· Remain detached-yet-connected, and moderate, particularly when they are heated.

3. Do not personalize the problem. Indeed this is easier said than done…
Between “I wish you would be different”, “I think I can really help you”,
and “I am trying to survive this emotional assault!” it’s difficult not to internalize the problem.
Yet, in order to cope effectively with a Difficult Person, it is crucial to maintain your self-esteem.

Some inner thoughts might be helpful to you in your attempt to survive and de-personalize:

“This is actually your problem. I won’t be helping you or me to make it mine.”
“I can’t allow you to dictate my behaviour yet again.”
“You want me to fight with you. I have learnt (need to learn) respectful ways to not allow it.”
“Your need to be difficult is a cover-up. You most probably feel onfused/inadequate/frightened.”
“I have the choice to participate in this effectively and safely, or to withdraw to think/recover, for now.”
“I wish I could help you be more secure and feel happier. I don’t have enough skill yet.”

Communicating with a Difficult Person is never easy and can be frustrating.
Be comforted in the fact that all people are challenged in dealing with them.
This is a time for “cool loving” or “warm coolth”.
Although it may not seem possible for you to deal with Difficult People effectively yet, remain brave, optimistic, confident and grateful for this opportunity to practice interacting with another kind of person.

You get to increase your knowledge and try your developing inter-personal and communication skills.

“What kind of world would this world be, if everyone in it learnt to deal with such as Thee?”

Engaging in an argument with a Difficult Person is a NO-WIN proposition.
Learn how to talk and behave your way into a two-or-more person WIN/WIN situation.

From: Keith Levick, PhD. Central Michegan University (alt) 4/06

Try some Peace-Making and Peace-Giving

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth give I unto you.
Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. - John 14:27

Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou are in the way with him… Matthew 5:25

And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive. Matt 21:22

…all things work together for good to them that love God… Romans 8:28

… this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting. Matt 17:21

“You are selfish!”
“You are a perfectionist!”
“You are…!”
“You are so…!”
may be said to you to provoke you.
Perhaps these stinging words are said to you out of HIS/HER frustration, anger, hurt, sadness or fear.

Try some of the more peace-making, peace-giving responses:

Yes, there are still selfish pieces in me. I guess you love me for my other wonderful qualities.

Yes, a part of me is perfectionist. There are still also plenty of un-perfectionist parts of me.

You got me! When I am completely unselfish one day… look out world!

Oh yes…! And yet you still chose to marry me… Thank you! Thank you. Thank you for choosing me despite my then, and still, imperfections…

Indeed. I am grateful you chose to marry me in spite of my … which maybe you didn’t know about then – it was there! I didn’t know it was there then either. (or “I knew it was there then - I hoped for your patience as I work on this”.)

Absolutely. I look forward to being an easier … to live with.

You see through my outward appearance... Thank you for reminding me I still have this to work on.

Yes… sadly… I am glad you continue with me despite my slowly decreasing faults and failings.

You are right. Please forgive me. Even in my … I love you madly.

Yes! And I can tell you still love me! Yahoo! I am the luckiest … in town!

That’s fascinating! I still have work to do on that one. Please can WE still work together on other things… can we find a way?

True. And I also know you are exasperatedly CRAZY about me… I am blessed.

Oh boy – you caught me being … again. Thwack! Thwack! Get Over This (self)! Please be patient with me while I work on this... AGAIN!

Seriously… you are right. Drat! I thought I had beaten that imperfection into subjection!

(Huge Sigh) … (your own name), more “sackcloth and ashes” for you while you work again on that. Thanks for reminding me - it is helpful to have someone close to me notice and tell me.

Darn! I thought I had that licked! Back to the drawing board and “working on it” (your name).

Ooi! Caught again… Watch Out Family… I’ll get this right yet. Patience and Persistence pay.

Yes. Thankfully, I still know I am not junk… God never made any junk – not even me.

Ouch. I’ve made other progress that has made me feel proud. I’ll be proud one day, maybe sooner rather than later, in this regard too.

OK… I’ll be the prize you deserve one day! Thanks for your patience and faith in me so far.

Whew. Hang in there, my (be)loved, the best of me is yet to be. You’ll be delighted with me yet.

Diffusers

Watch yourself: Almost all the time no agression, no condescension needed - YOU will merely be, and look, unbecoming.

Advice-givers usually have the very best of intentions, lack boundaries and skill.
When confronted by an advice-giver, try one of these diffusers:

Thanks for telling me.
I have to go right now.
We will need to talk another time.
You’re my man/girl/father-/mother-figure!
Watch this space… I haven't decided yet how I will handle this.
I’ve never done what you suggest before, and I’m not about to start now.
So… If you were me… you would do this differently…
So, if you were me… your decision would be easy.
I hadn’t thought of that perspective – thank you for sharing it with me.
Thank you for your opinion. I know you wouldn’t have told me if you didn’t care for me.
Thank you for your comments. I will consider them before I make my decision.
Thank you for your point of view. I promise to think about it.
Thank you for caring to share. I will think about what you have said.
Thank you for telling me. I will take your point of view into consideration.
I am not at “Yes” yet. I will go away and think about what you have told me now.
I haven’t made my decision yet – I will add this to the information I have so far. Thank you.
Say no more… I get you. Thanks for telling me.
This is another angle to consider - thank you.

Stop Your Arguments - It Takes Two to Argue

“Argument Stopping Statements”
- help me live a more dignified life.
- help me avoid becoming aggressive.
- protect me from becoming a push-over.
- help me be friendly/firm and fair to me as well as to you.
- help me solve my/my-part-of our problems.
- help dissipate negative energy

Accompany these statements with a “cool-loving” or “warm coolth”, steadfastness in your face and body and voice.

Look the other person bravely and confidently (not challengingly) in the eye.

Remember to breathe: difficult, scary, unfamiliar situations need oxygen-rich blood flowing through your brain and body.

Become well-versed with these statements. They will help you over and over again.

Add to this argument stopping tool-box from your own experience and resources.

Practice lots.

Get help from someone more skilled than you both if you need it.

Oh?
Oh…
Ah…
Wow… Phew… Sigh…
Oh my…
Really?
That’s interesting…
I need to think about that.
You are right… I am not perfect yet.
Other aspects of me are more excellent than what you mention – thank you for telling me.
Please be patient with me – I am a ‘work in progress’.
Oh. Thank you for telling me.
I guess you love/respect/appreciate me for some of my other qualities!
I have carefully listened to you. This is how I see it from my point of view… Your turn to listen to me…
I am unsettled now – it’s time for me to withdraw for a while and think about this. I’ll get back to you.
My feathers are getting ruffled. Three deep breaths… OK… now you can carry on…
My inner dragon is stirring… I need to take a ‘time out’ for a while.
My inner dragon is starting to breathe fire. Excuse me while I spend some quality time with him/her.
I feel my inner witch awakening. I need to take time to reassure/listen to him/her…
I can see you feel strongly about this… really strongly… passionately…
Please tell me how you arrived at that conclusion…
I appreciate your willingness/capacity to let me know. Thank you.
Thanks for telling me. I’ll think about what you have said.
We’ll get through this. We deserve better than this… we’ll get there - together.
I’m sorry we don’t see eye to eye on this issue… yet. Perhaps we never will…
As we keep talking we will talk our way into winning for each, and both, of us…
I am not at “Yes” /“No” yet. Please keep talking… Carry on some more…
You are right!
You have a point there…
I see that is one point of view…
That is your point of view… Hold on I want to write down your view so I can think about it.
I’m beginning to see where you are coming from… Tell me more...
Ah… I see what you mean…
I wish more people had your enthusiasm about this.
You are passionate about this.
That is well-expressed. I’ll think about what you have said.
This really deserves some deep thought from me.
I want to be sure I understand you. Please tell me again.
Tell me more… and then?… what did you see/hear/think?…
Don’t stop in the middle of your story… carry on…
We agree on other things. We can’t agree on this yet. Perhaps we never will – So be it.
So… you and I see things differently. I can live with that. Peacefully.
We will need to agree to disagree. Agreeably.
Love you/Respect you! Not going to fight with you on this one!
Not going to fight with you any more. Hurts me/us too much. I love/respect you too much.
Peace, my love/friend… We can get back to this if/when we need to.
God loves you. I love you. He made us both. We are both worthwhile. We can/will get through this…

The Box Exercise

Get two smallish boxes - decorate them both beautifully: one in dark, the other in light colours.

Each answer the following questions. Put your answer on pieces of paper - one per answer.

What have been my greatest joys in the past?
What are among my greatest joys right now?
What joys am I looking forward to in my future?
What have been my worst fears in my past?
What are my greatest fears right now?
What do I imagine will be some of my greatest fears in my future?
What helped me to feel peaceful in my past?
What promotes peaceful feelings in my life right now?
What might bring me peacefulness in my future?
What angered me in my past?
What angers me now?
What is likely to anger me in my years ahead?
When did I feel competent, confident, cheerful, in the past?
What are my experiences of feeling powerful in my present?
What are likely to be the reasons I might feel accepted and respected in my future?
What setbacks have I had in my past?
What setbacks have I had in the recent past or am I experiencing right now?
What setbacks might I have to deal with in my future?

Sort your answers into the two boxes:
Light and lovely recordings into the light box, dark and difficult recordings into the other.

When you want to, or when you need to, take out one of the slips in the box the opposite of what you are feeling right now.

If you are feeling gloomy, take out a slip of paper in the light and bright box; if you are feeling really chuffed with yourself, draw a slip from the darkly beautiful box.

Ask yourself:
What can I do about this?
Does this have any message for me right now?

Write your answers on another piece of paper and put the two together in your couple journal or scrapbook.

Decorate with drawings, photos, cuttings or words, whatever feels right to you.

Add to the boxes when you want to.
You do not have to deal with or process most things right away - do it when you feel able to, or need to.

Do the work with a professional if necessary.

"The headlines are screaming… These are the conditions under which we live… They do not define our life."

What helps me live my best way possible in my marriage for now - day to day, hour by hour?

Be realistic and practical.

"Try a little scrubbing to relieve your discontent when necessary. The bathroom or kitchen will be cleaner"

"Keep a lid on your individual (and collective) temper and self pity."

Write the miserable story on a piece of paper and put it in the dark box.

Acknowledge dark and light in your life.
Deal with the dark as well as the light when it is appropriate and when it suits you.

Ask for help, and get it. We all get stuck in the "moods" and "mud" or the "glitz" and "glory" of life at times.

With thanks to A. van Dyk for some of the ideas - The "Saturday Star"

The Television Trap

Number 12 of this series of 12:

Dear Friends

For the last time in this series we pause to consider a trap with Dr Brent A Barlow:

The Television Trap
The excessive viewing of meaningless and improper television programmes during hours that could be put to better use.

TELEVISION – The broadcasting of a still or moving image via waves to receivers that project it on a picture tube or screen for viewing at a distance from the point of origin.

There are many fine programmes that have enriched our lives as well as our marriages and families. There is so much of worth to enjoy and to learn in the world and television brings it right into our homes.

The sign Dr Barlow would like to see on every television set when it is sold:

"CAUTION: THE MISUSE OF THIS PRODUCT COULD BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR MARRIAGE!"

1. Television can rob us of time that could and should be used in more worthwhile pursuits: talking, reading, learning, hobbies, recreation.

2. Television is instrumental in attitude formation. What messages are being sent about marriage and families?

3. Television conveys some interesting role models in marriage and family life. Television can also be highly influential in determining marital expectations. Television relationships usually end in one of the 4 D’s: divorce, desertion, disillusionment and death. Is this what you want for your marriage? How will you find out another better way if the most frequent role models you see end up this way?

4. Television makes us all, young and old alike, less sensitive to violence and pain. Question: Is the violence we see on TV contributing to the increasing violence we detect in families?

5. Television viewing disrupts family schedules. Because viewing habits differ, we end up with one or the others watching television and reduced all-together family time. Television affects the time we go to bed at night and the time we wake up in the morning in many homes. Television has likely affected our husband/wife intimate times together as well.

6. Television can sell us a life style. “Unfortunately too many people exist on a mental diet of television, motion pictures… and sick publications… I consider most of what we have available as ‘junk food’ that leads to mental malnutrition and poor emotional and spiritual health” - Dr Denis Waitley

Television is actually an extraordinary invention that should greatly improve our lives.

“Much of television exposes us to antisocial behaviour performed by the incompetent, the uncouth and the insane. At the other extreme are the superheroes with unnatural strength and superhuman abilities, who are beautiful and handsome. When average individuals compare themselves to their TV heroes, they usually see themselves as inadequate…” Dr Barlow

How to get out of THE TELEVISION TRAP
LDS Let’s Do Something… Today.

Monitor YOUR viewing times per day for a week.

If you are watching more than 4 hours per day you may be ensnared in the Television Trap.

Many of us are truly addicted to TV viewing.

Simply control your viewing. Decide what you can/should do without.

Read the television guide and decide what you are going to watch.
Watch what you decided to watch and switch the television off.

There can be an enormously exhilarating feeling of success, competence and power in simply pressing the OFF button of the television or remote...

If television viewing is difficult for you to control, you might put yourselves more often in environments where there is no television until you learn to develop more self-control.

“I am willing to bet that if television viewing were cut in half, no one would suffer markedly. That would leave us time for talking, planning, enjoying each other’s company. Most of us simply watch too much television.”

Be selective. Watch the best. All this that we may “become aware and prepared in all things”.

The Temptation Trap

Number 11 of this series of 12 Traps:


Dear Friends

The second last trap mentioned by Dr Brent A Barlow in his book “Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and How To Avoid Them”:

The Temptation Trap
- Secret or questionable relationships with a member of the opposite sex that can lead to infidelity or adultery.

TEMPTATION:
Enticement or inducement, often through promises of pleasure or gain, to do something regarded as unwise or wrong by God, the Law of the country and sensible and responsible people.

You are undoubtedly in the Temptation Trap if you repeatedly find yourself alone with a member of the opposite sex to whom you are romantically and/or sexually attracted.
You are also in the trap/heading for the trap if another is romantically and/or sexually attracted to you.

“In several surveys, 80% or more of those questioned indicated that sexual relations with anyone other than the spouse is “always” or “almost always” wrong, inappropriate or sinful. Yet, even though the vast majority feel strongly on the subject, a large number of husbands and wives become involved in (emotional) affairs eventually leading to extramarital relations – adultery, in other words.”

How do extramarital relationships begin?

Curiosity, desire for sexual variety, boredom, a need to re-inforce self-image, a search for emotional intimacy, a desire for retaliation.

With whom do extra-marital relationships happen?

Often with another person known prior to the marriage, perhaps a former boyfriend or girlfriend.

What are the effects of extramarital relations?

85% divorce, emotional estrangement between the marriage partners, lessened sexual satisfaction within the marriage.

And what is psychic infidelity?

Continually dwelling on pleasant thoughts of a previous relationship.

Psychic Infidelity can be highly disruptive to a marriage if one is frequently thinking about former friends or wondering how a marriage to them may have been/would be “if things worked out differently”. Be careful of fanning the spark of an old or other flame. While fire may provide warmth and comfort, it can also be consuming.

“You need not try to totally forget former relationships, nor feel guilty or ashamed because of them. The time you spent together was not a lost cause even though you did not marry. You both matured a little and contributed to each other’s lives at that particular time.”

Since you did not marry the other, you would do well to reexamine your present commitment to your spouse and remember your wedding vow to "forsake all others", spiritually, mentally as well as physically. Interests and energy invested in relationships with other members of the opposite sex can, and often does, undermine your marital relationship.

Letters, photos, mementoes and gifts might need to be discarded if they are distracting and interfering with your spiritual, emotional and physical commitment to your marriage.

What should one do when your marriage partner is giving undue attention to a member of the opposite sex?

Dr James Dobson suggests that Love must be Tough.

1. DECLARE to your wayward spouse your dissatisfaction. Be specific and neither under not over dramatize the involvement.
2. DECLARE your intent to stay in the marriage and indicate your willingness to work at the relationship under certain conditions that include a change in their involvement with the other/s.
3. DECLARE your willingness to let go of your spouse if that is what he/she desires.

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t come back, it never was yours in the first place.” - “Love must be Tough” Dr James Dobson p 76

And what if YOU are caught in the temptation trap?

Dr Carlfred Broderick says that when one is caught in adulterous relationships there are three R’s involved:

Resentment
Rationalization
Rendezvous
“Couples” p 161

RESENTMENT:
I/You/We have not found a way yet to deal with your marital problems or resentments.
I/You/We have high expectations (realistic or not) that are unfulfilled for a long period of time.

RATIONALISATION:
I/You/We deny or refuse to acknowledge the possibility/risk of getting involved with another
I/You flirt and say “It doesn’t mean anything”
I am/You are inappropriately empathic, too compassionate, dangerously concerned with another of the opposite sex and don’t see it as a huge risk to our mariage

RENDEZVOUS:
I/You meet in unplanned places with an other
I/You systematically associate with an other
There are more frequent meetings with an other
I/You have lunch (etc) with an other
I/You invite/accept an invitation to meet an other at a particular place without spouses
I/You plan and seek the meeting opportunities with this other

Infidelity depends on a PRIVATE meeting place or an APPOINTMENT to meet.

How to get out of the TEMPTATION TRAP?
LDS – Let’s Do Something!

1. BEWARE of being caught working alone with a member of the opposite sex.
2. Rather than chase butterflies and seek happiness elsewhere, EXAMINE your present situation, LEARN to be content with the spouse you vowed to be with.
3. Actively SEEK happiness in your present relationship.
4. Look for ways to SAFELY RESTRUCTURE questionable situations
5. TAKE YOURSELF BY THE SCRUFF OF YOUR NECK and say to yourself “___________Get out of here!”
6. If necessary, SEVER the relationship and refuse to see/speak to the extra-marital other

Here’s to our LONG and More and More REWARDING covenant marital relationships!

The Touch Trap

Number 10 of this series of 12 Traps:

Dear Friends

Here is the next of the Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to get out of it according to Dr Brent Barlow:

The Touch Trap
= the absence of touch in a marital relationship other than for routine sexual relations

Touch: The act of bringing a bodily part into contact with something so as to feel it;
handling or feeling gently, usually with the intent to understand or appreciate.

“It seems that a great many wives feel that (emotional) intimacy, touch, and closeness may be more desirable than sexual relationships. A great many husbands today, however, can only be intimate through sexual interaction (physical intimacy). Some men would do well to rethink and relearn their concept of touch and closeness. By so doing, they would be taking an important step out of the touch trap… Shared closeness (emotional intimacy) may be attained in a variety of ways which include, but are not limited to, sexual intimacy.”

“Why is touch so difficult? Many studies have observed that young infants… can actually die from lack of touch. If young children literally need touch to stay alive, perhaps we never outgrow our need for touch as adults. Marital lack of touch can spell death to a marriage. Rekindling touch can save a starved marriage.”

“I am interested in the trend of marriages becoming nontactual after several years of matrimony. Many couples seldom touch each other more than what is needed for routine sexual relationships.” says Dr Barlow. (emphasis added)

“Touch is obviously an important part of the sexual act as well.” He adds. “We are well aware of the love, intimacy, and joy that can come to a married couple when this particular dimension of the marital relationship is nurtured”.

It is interesting to note that the words sex or sexuality do not appear in the scriptures. The same process is described in holy writ with the words know or knew. “Adam knew his wife and she conceived. Cain knew his wife and she conceived and bare Enoch. And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth.” (Gen 4:1, 17, 25) The biblical wording of “knowing” or “becoming acquainted with” is a beautiful way to describe the oneness a husband and wife may attain in marriage through the sexual act.

“All the enduring values of life are heightened, taking on an added significance, when sex functions in its normal ways.” Roy Welker.

How to get out of THE TOUCH TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something…

Touch your spouse non-demandingly
as opportunity arises, every day.

Non-demanding touch:
“stand-next-to” or “from-behind” touch.

Eg:
arm around shoulder in passing
a light passing touch on the arm or the shoulder/s
pat on the back
back rub
side-to-side (or from-the-back) brief hug
lightly touching hair or ear or nape of neck or side of face
lightly kissing from standing at the side/back of the person
Touch that is given to the other person
Touch that expects no reciprocation or response
of any kind in return.

Demanding touch:
“face to face” touch.

Eg:
kiss
holding hands
front-to-front hug
sexual intimacy
any touch that expects a response from the recipient

Demanding touch is also “rough touch”
squeezing, gripping, shaking and worse
touch accompanied by harsh voice or look (intimidating)
This touch is hard, and often impossible, to live with.
This touch is a breach of trust and confidence in a relationship.
This touch can be hard to forgive in a marriage.

“If I could encourage married couples to do just one thing to maintain or improve their relationships, I think I would suggest developing the skill of touch. Touch is one of the most significant forms of communication we have. Obviously, the absence of touch often communicates disinterest or lack of caring.” Muses Dr Barlow.

I challenge you to DO IT! A parched, touch-deprived relationship can become rewarding and flourishing in a surprisingly short time. It’s a miracle I love to see happening.

The Tension Trap

Number 9 of this series of 12 Traps:


Dear Friends

The 9th Trap discussed by Dr Barlow in his book “Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to get out of them” is

The Tension Trap
= participation in too many stress-producing projects or activities.

Tension: Mental or emotional strain; suspense, anxiety, or excitement; pressure.

“I don’t know if your marriage is like ours, but it seems that my wife and I undergo a great deal of tension” starts Dr Barlow.

Some of it is external – over which we have no control.
Some of it we have a part in: beginning new projects; and also taking a long time to finish them. “Be careful not to start projects you can't finish”.

Life often follows and re-follows the pattern:
Beginnings; Preparation; Establishment; Chaos; Stability.

There’s potential for tension of one kind or another in each of the phases.

Children can be a source of tension… when they are there we experience “chaos” often!
Chaos is stressful for some people.
Lack of chaos is stressful for others.
Which type are you?
“No children” can also be stressful for some.

Here’s a sign seen:
“A mother’s place is in the home… and so is the father’s!”
What does being at home do to your level of stress?
What might you do differently that perhaps could be better?

Other sources of stress:
“The Patti Perfect Syndrome” or the
“The Paul Perfect Syndrome”

Do you try to be perfect at everything you do, all the time, and expect everyone around you to do the same?

Any part of that is a sure-fire recipe for increasingly unbearable tension.
Also the lack of striving is tension producing in many people…

Where is YOUR balance?
Where would you like it to be?

Here’s another syndrome:
“The Ghandi Syndrome”

Ghandi believed that no outside help was necessary, no matter how great the need, self-healing was possible.

If you judge that self-healing is possible when it is not, or not possible when it is… whew… there’s Tension with a capital T:
especially if you judge it one way or the other for another person.
Many people mistakenly believe that mental health problems are self-healing.

How is YOUR mental health?

Here are some questions to ponder and discuss if you want to, and are able to:

Do I like and respect myself?
Do I set , myself realistic, reasonable goals to achieve?
Do I try to see things in their proper perspective?
Do I give of myself to others?
Can I understand that others have needs too?
Am I able to form close relationships with others?
Am I able to endure some delay and hardship to get what I want?
Do I try to respond in a give and take manner in the face of stress?
Can I enjoy life – finding pleasure in a variety of circumstances?
Can I accept my strengths as well as my weaknesses realistically?

How to get out of THE TENSION TRAP:

LDS – yes, Let’s Do Something!

1. Develop a sense of humour

2. Cut back on some present activities (Some are stressed with too light a load – for those, increase the load for relief…)

Do you know anyone whom you admire who has an enlivening, uplifting and enriching sense of humour?

Spend time with them – ask to be their apprentice while you learn from and with them.

It’s possible to do all you want to do – just not necessarily all at the same time.

What can/do you need to cut down (or out) for this week, this month, this year, this decade – even… this life time?

How well do you know yourself and your capabilities?

Do you struggle when you should wait?
Do you wait when you should struggle?
Do you try to do what cannot be done?
Do you fight against facts of life that cannot be changed, at least for now?

“If we do not become pre-occupied with or resent the conditions in which we find ourselves, we can then focus on the areas of life in which change and improvement are possible” concludes Dr Barlow.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,

The courage
To change the things I can,

And the wisdom
To know the difference.

I wish you and me a less tense time until next time.

The Temper Trap

Number 8 of this series of 12 Traps:

Dear Friends

Here is the trap that I have wondered about for many years: Dr Barlow – “Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and How To Avoid Them” -and I share these comments.

The Temper Trap
The inability or unwillingness of marriage partners to control, modify, or possibly eliminate anger in their relationship.

Temper: State of feeling or frame of mind usually dominated by a single strong emotion; heat of mind or emotion, proneness to anger, passion.

Marriage partners who love each other sometimes become highly irritated or annoyed or outrightly angry with each other. Interesting paradox.

Sometimes a spouse will do or say something that acts as a trigger to the other. On occasion, the absence of actions or words may also irritate.

Premise 1
The state of marriage generates in normal people more anger than they are likely to ever experience in any other relationship

Premise 2
Unless the anger generated can be processed effectively, intimacy is likely to fail to develop. Disillusionment results and can easily lead to alienation

Premise 3
Alienation results from not understanding the anger of either/both. The methods used to deal with the anger of either/both are counterproductive

Premise 4
It is possible, and also not necessarily easy to learn new skills to foster a more productive and creative processing of anger so that it will weld love and intimacy rather than destroy

Recall the last time you were irritated or angry with your spouse. What was the situation? What triggered your anger? Most important, how were YOU feeling before the incident occurred?

Apparently anger and irritation are frequently linked to one’s self-esteem. “There is an all too human tendency for us to get irritated with others in direct proportion to our irritation with ourselves.”
A Guide to Successful Marriage (p 79)- Drs Albert Ellis and Richard Harper

“If my spouse is angry or upset, they may not be living up to their own expectations… or their self-esteem may be low because of some supposed, or real, failures.”

“If I am angry or upset, I may be sitting with the same challenge…”

“If I find myself misdirecting my anger, I should retract my angry statements immediately and apologise for my behaviour admitting that I am actually upset with myself!”

“My anger is a signal that I need to correct some of my thoughts” – Burton Kelly

“My anger is a reminder of weaknesses I need to overcome” – Burton Kelly

“Our hostile feelings towards another person are more fundamental to our problems than the other person’s behaviour.” Terrance D Olson

What is your IQ? - Irritability Quotient?

Are you easily provoked? Here’s a test for you.
Score: 0 = very little annoyance to 4 = very angry

1. The new appliance you bought does not work when you plug it in
2. You are overcharged by a repairman who helped you when you were in a bind
3. You were singled out for correction when others doing the same went unreprimanded
4. You are talking to someone who doesn’t answer you
5. Someone pretends to be what he is not
6. While you are struggling to carry a load someone bumps you and your load spills
7. You get your car stuck in the mud
8. You are hounded by a salesman
9. You have made arrangements and at the last moment you are let down
10. You are being joked about or teased
11. You make a driving error and another motorist yells at you
12. Someone near you is tapping his foot
13. You lend something and the borrower does not return it
14. You have had a busy day and your spouse complains that you forgot to do something for them
15. You are trying to discuss something important to you and the listener won’t let you finish
16. You are talking to someone who knows very little about what they are heatedly professing
17. You need to get somewhere quickly and the car in front of you is driving slowly – you can’t pass
18. A third party keeps interrupting an argument between you and someone
19. You step on a wad of chewing gum
20. When you are in a hurry you tear a good piece of clothing on a sharp object
21. You use your last coin and are disconnected before you can get through and talk
22. You have hung up your clothes and someone knocks them off and doesn’t rehang them
23. Someone makes a mistake and blames it on you
24. You are mocked at by a small group of people as you walk past
25. You are stalled in the traffic. The car behind you keeps hooting at you

How did you score?
0-45 Remarkably low Irritability Quotient
46-55 You respond with less anger than most
56-75 Your response is about average
76-85 You respond with substantially more anger than most
86-100 You have a very high IQ. You probably harbour negative feelings
and have headaches and other aches and pains and high blood pressure.
Relatively few people respond with as much anger as you do

There are at least four normal responses to our own anger and that of others:

FIGHT – immediately becoming verbally or physically aggressive or both
FLIGHT – running away either physically or mentally or emotionally
FREEZE - play dead, or do nothing
FOCUS - get a clear image of what is really going on. Relax and act appropriately and effectively

Each response can be absolutely right or absolutely wrong, or anything in between, depending on the varying circumstances and people present each time anger manifests itself! Which is your favourite? Which do you know least about? How can you learn about all four and use each appropriately?

1. Some people say that anger is instinctive and that neither the onsets nor the consequences are within our control. Like a Temper Tantrum. “You make me so angry…” is the language of this perspective.

2. Others believe that anger is an instinctive response to perceived threat, but we are in control of what we do and say. While we cannot, sometimes, help becoming angry, we can do something about it once we are.

3. A third perspective is that our anger is a choice we make. We can choose whether we are going to become (or remain) angry, and we may therefore, choose not to experience the consequences of anger.

This perspective is difficult and mature. I don’t know anyone as mature as this, do you?
I have made some progress, and also, I am older now, and have less multiplicity of triggers now.

How to get out of THE TEMPER TRAP LDS - Let’s Do Something! It is possible
(The temper trap is not easy for some of us to escape)

Do the IQ test and see where you might be according to that

Keep an “Anger Log” for 2 weeks
What opportunities do you have to get angry?
How often do you get angry?
What kind of anger is it: Anger inwards/outwards?
How often do you get Irritated, Annoyed, Angry..
What happened as a result of your anger: to you, to other/s?

Give yourself to much introspection
Discuss the problem with your spouse or one you can talk to
Professional counselling might also be needed – get it (if it is
not effective, find another counsellor)

Can anger be a choice?
Interesting thought - worth cultivating the capacity to choose not to use anger distructively?

You and I will be working on this for a very long time...

See also BETTER PARENTING - BE PREPARED on my links at the left - entry on "Anger"

The Turmoil Trap

Number 7 of this series of 12 Traps:


Dear Friends

How’s your life at the moment – Tranquil or Turmoil? Hopefully there is some, not too much, of each… That’s within the range of “Normal” and “Healthy”.

Pause with me and consider Dr Barlow’s thoughts on

The Turmoil Trap
The inability of a married couple to deal constructively with marital conflict.

Turmoil: A state of extreme confusion, agitation, or commotion; turbulence or disorder.

How does one deal with “what should be” (no marital conflict) compared to “what is” (conflict of varying degrees and frequency)?

Perhaps what we need in marriage is idealism tempered with realism.

Here are two myths in Dr Barlow’s opinion:

“Marriages will be free of conflict” and “The presence of conflict indicates a bad marriage.”

There may be marriages with little or no conflict, though many marriages that appear to be free of conflict may be actually far from it. There may be little contact between the two spouses and so little on which to differ.

In another type of marriage a husband and wife may have worked out a dominant/submissive relationship, in other words, one is master, the other is slave. Obviously a slave rarely disagrees with a master… this may be good for master/slave relationship, it is not good for husband/wife relationships!

Some older couples who “have never had a cross word between them” are probably forgetful!

Some couples avoid public displays of conflict and so their children and others believe they never had arguments.

Perhaps, then, we should not be overwhelmed that conflicts do/will occur in marriage. The key is what we do with them when they arise.

Have you ever done any of these listed below?
Rather… when last did either/both of you do this?!

HORIBILIZING:
We make more out of the differences than we should: we make a difficult or bad situation worse by irrational and/or uncontrolled thought.

PINCHING:
When last did you "pinch" you spouse? Did you hurt them? Probably a major crisis in your relationship will be the result of a series of small irritations (pinches) that are not dealt with by you, or both, when they arise.

Here are some examples of what might feel like PINCHES (clashes of wishes) to some spouses - perhaps yours:

You talk to me while I am on the phone
You leave a mess after you
You make light of a problem I tell you about
You come home and yell at our children when you are tired
You tease/mock/humiliate me in front of others
You question my judgement in front of our children

If and When you are calm with each other, and If and When you can:

Ask and discuss what feel like pinches from YOU to YOUR SPOUSE...
Tell and discuss what feel like YOUR pinches from YOUR SPOUSE.

Take turns talking and listening.
Take a “Time Out” whenever one of you needs it during your discussions.

How to get out of the TURMOIL TRAP:
LDS – Let’s DO Something!

List all the differences you have with each other that you can think of right now – add to the list when you remember others.

Divide the differences into two categories:

Essential:
Those differences that could break up your marriage

Non-essential:
Differences that should not affect the stability of you marriage

“In Essentials, let there be unity; in Non Essentials, liberty; and in all things, charity”
BH Roberts

Consider this sequence:

Differences > Disagreements > Conflict > Anger
(The next trap we discuss will be Anger – watch the for the next post for more on this one)

Decide where you are along this sequence with each of your spousal differences

Discuss and decide on one of the following for each difference, as far as possible now – Remember to “Time Out” when one or both of you need it…

COEXIST:
Accommodate each other in ways where you differ - agree to disagree, agreeably.
Practice patience and tolerance and courtesy.

CAPITULATE:
Acquiesce.
Give in.
As you discuss the issue, think about how much out of 10 you want what
you want.
If one wants it 8 out of 10 and the other 4 out of 10 capitulation works well.
Take turns at Just Giving In.
Say “Yes” rather than “Yes… but…” as often as you can. It is refreshing for both!

COMPROMISE:
Negotiate. Both of you yield or give in a little until you find a comfortable enough middle ground.

COLLABORATE (Win/Win):
Work, plan and persist with each other respectfully until you both derive your
major goals – probably in creative ways you haven’t thought about yet.
That usually means that you both need to find new ways to give and receive.
This may take a while!

PRACTICE MAKES IT EASIER.
Learn the skills of each “C” style above and many marital conflicts can be resolved or significantly modified.
Differences, most of them, do not have to be resolved NOW and only ONE WAY!.

Here’s an example of each style: Husband wants a R500 camera, Wife wants a R500 clock.

Coexist:
Do nothing about either desire, for now, or for ever, agreeably.

Capitulate:
Either the camera or the clock is bought.

Compromise:
He gets a less expensive camera, she gets a less expensive clock

Collaborate:
Perhaps they sell something so that they can get both at the same time.
Perhaps they find a way to earn or raise the extra money so that both can be bought.

These "C" are wonderful skills to have –
they are worth regularly developing and refining a further degree of each “C” to be able to use the appropriate and problem solving one most useful to enrich your marriage.

Enjoy your days.

The Tyranny Trap

Number 6 of this series of 12 Traps:


Dear Friend

Here’s a trap thatwe sometimes fall into…Explore again with Dr Brent A Barrow (“Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to avoid them”) and me:
The Tyranny Trap

The TYRANNY TRAP:
The tendency of one marriage partner to exercise too much power or control in decision making.

Tyranny: Arbitrary or unrestrained exercise of power; despotic abuse of authority

Question: Should the man be the head of the house?
In what way should the man be/not be the head of the house?

Here are some types of “heads”:
The King;
Benevolent Dictator;
Impasse Arbitrator;
Mayor/Political Boss;
Chairman of the Board;
Limited Partnership;
Guide/Scout;
The Bishop/Pastor;
The Servant of All.

If you look up some of these words in a dictionary you’ll probably have an interesting additional exercise.

Question:

Which of these styles would result in "mirages" and "assumptions" and "stereotypes"?
For whom? In what way? When?
Which of these styles will be "good" and "true" and "useful" and "genuinely problem solving"?
For whom? In what way? When?

You are more likely to be in the Tyranny Trap
1. If there is an imbalance in your decision making
2. If you are more concerned with "who decides" than "what is decided"

How to get out of the Tyranny Trap: LDS - Let"s Do Something!

Question:

Who currently makes most of which decisions in your household?
Use this 1 - 5 scale in answering the QUESTIONAIRE:

1. Husband only decides
2. Husband decides after consulting with wife
3. Both decide together
4. Wife decides after consulting with husband
5. Wife only decides

Do the following QUESTIONAIRE individually.
Discuss together periodically if/when you can:

The QUESTIONAIRE:

Who currently decides? Who should? Why?

Where couple live
What job husband takes
How many hours husband works
What occupation wife will do
How much time to spend together as a couple
How many children in the family
When to have children
How and when to discipline children
How much time to spend with children
How much time to spend with family/friends
When to have sexual relations
How to spend which money
When to make what major financial purchases
How much money to give to church and charity
How much time to spend in church activities
How much time to spend in community activities
How much time to spend in which personal pursuits
Where and when to go on holiday/vacation
Other…

Were most of your answers in the 1 (Husband only decides) or the 5 (Wife only decides) category?

You may be in the Tyranny Trap. You may be in the “no alternative” place because you don't know any better or because you or your spouse refuses actively or passively to share in the decision making!

What would you like to happen?
What NEEDS to happen in your marriage?
How can any change needed be begun, carried on, accelerated?
Who needs to do what?
What help might one of you need from the other?
Can you/will you ask for the help you need?
Who will you ask for the help you need?

Were most of your answers in the 3 (Both decide together) category?

Are you in the previously reviewed Togetherness Trap?
SLOW isn’t it?
This category is good for decisions affecting you both very much.

Have you relegated as many of your decisions as possible to the 1, 2, 4, and 5 categories? (cautious with 1 and 5 though!)

“By so doing, you may be adding some oil to what otherwise might be a rusty marital relationship.” Says Dr Barlow.

How ARE we really doing?
What changes do we NEED to make?
In WHO'S opinion?
WHY?

Another help in “checking and balancing” is the CONTEMPLATED way of making decisions:

Is what I/we are deciding to do:

1. In harmony with the TEN COMMANDMENTS test – the Law?
2. In harmony with the GOLDEN RULE test – do unto others as you would have them do unto you?
3. In harmony with the JESUS’ NEW COMMANDMENT test – love one another as I have loved you?
4. In harmony with the CONSEQUENCES test – is it hurtful/helpful to me and others?
5. In harmony with the PUBLICITY test – would I be ashamed if others knew about the way I decided?
6. In harmony with the RESPECTED PEOPLE test – Would one I respect sustain me in this thing?
7. In harmony with the UNIVERSALITY test – would the world be better/worse if everyone did as I do?
8. In harmony with the PROJECTED RETROSPECT test – Will I be pleased later with my decision now?
9. In harmony with the JESUS’ EXAMPLE test – Is this the way Jesus would do it if he were me now?
10. In harmony with the SELF-LOVE test – If I do this will I be caring for myself as well as the other/s?
11. In harmony with the CONSCIENCE test – Will I feel regret or gratitude later?

“The next time you or your spouse confront a major decision, why not apply these eleven tests to your options? It may help you in getting out of the tyranny trap and result in excellent decisions.” Dr Barlow

The Talk Trap

Number 5 of this series of 12 Traps:


Dear Friend

How’s this for a TRAP - Dr Brent A Barlow invites us to consider:
The Talk Trap

The TALK TRAP:
The inability or unwillingness to do much more than exchange information with a marriage partner on a routine, day-to-day basis.

Talk: To communicate or exchange ideas or information by speaking: to consult or confer.

Are you and/or I living in a state of “Irish Divorce”? Dr Barlow quotes John Connolly describing it: “…miserable though married. They don’t talk much to each other, and they seldom go anywhere together. Publicly, few may know of the (real) condition of their marriage. There is a no legal separation, but psychologically and emotionally they leave each other.” Food for deep thought for all of us.

“Isn’t it interesting that, in general, men prefer to talk about things outside of themselves, whereas most women would rather discuss topics of a personal nature?” says Casey Peterson. Therefore: “I tended to be direct and practical and Debbie (his wife) wanted a sympathetic listener. I wanted to fix all her problems and often said “Here’s what ya do.”… In short, I was an advice-giver, not a listener.

"What we’ve both learned is to state our needs – if I want support (just listening), I ask for it. If I want advice (more than just listening), I ask for that.”

Husbands and wives may talk and listen for different reasons. What are yours do you think?

Talking usually takes place on one of four levels: Which is/are your favourite/s?

(1) Things (2) People (3) Ideas (4) Feelings

How can you and I increase our competence and use all four? When is it appropriate to use which level?


Here are two important Communication Skills:

CARING: “If caring is the key to effective communication, and I suggest it is, then we would improve our communication skills by becoming more caring people.” – Dr Barlow (See the previous Out of the Blue!)

LISTENING: “Many of us believe we are good listeners just because we keep quiet when someone is speaking… Paying attention to our spouse when he/she is talking is not only a courtesy, but it is also an important key to sharing and understanding…” - Dr Brent A Barlow
“Listening, like reading, is primarily an activity of the mind, not of the ear or the eye. When the mind is not actively involved in the process, it should be called hearing, not listening.” - Dr Mortimer Adler

A major mistake most people make in listening is in regarding it as a passive reception rather than as active participation. “The catcher behind the plate is just as active a baseball player as the pitcher on the mound. Receiving the ball… requires as much skill, though it is a skill of a different kind. Without the complementary efforts of both players, properly attuned to each other, the play cannot be completed.

“Of course, the fault may not always lie with the listener. The failure to catch a wild pitch is not the catchers fault.” - Dr Adler

Getting out of the TALK TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something! Start today.

Here are some deep level communication sentences
to complete and discuss: this will give you a “kick start”

1. I feel closest to you spiritually when…
2. I feel most inspired…
3. Religion to me is…
4. Spirituality to me is…
5. The most spiritual thing that has ever happened to me is…
6. The time I feel most hopeful is…
7. The things that are most worth living for now are…


Here’s an exercise: One of you is A, the other B:

A: take a stand, or give an opinion on a
particular topic or issue.

State two or three reasons for your
point of view.

B: listen (look at A – face and body language,
listen to the words used and also the
tone of voice).

Restate A’s position as best you can.
Restate reasons for his/her point of view.

Agree or disagree.
Give two or three reasons why.

A: listen attentively (look well and listen well).

Restate B’s position as best you can.
Restate B’s reasons for his/her point of view.

Agree or disagree.
Give two or three reasons why.

Carry on the pattern and see what happens.
No doubt you’ll learn something about yourself and also about your spouse.
If you simply can’t be peaceful about having different opinions, take a “Time Out” and/or say something like “We sure do disagree/feel very strongly on this don’t we? I can and will disagree agreeably. I respect your point of view – I respect my own too. I’ll think about this over the next few days. Thank you for sharing your ideas/feelings with me. I love you.”


"Till next time...

The Tenderness Trap

Number 4 of this series of 12 Traps:

Dear Friend

Here I am again with the next trap Dr Brent A Barlow invites us to consider:
The Tenderness Trap

The TENDERNESS TRAP:
The inability or unwillingness of a married couple to be kind, loving, caring, or tender with each other.

Tenderness: The quality of being easily moved to sympathy or compassion; kindness; affection or love.

“Many husbands, I believe, are caught in the tenderness trap because they mistakenly come to believe that being tender is not manly.” says Dr Barlow.

“A great many… males,… (have) the mistaken notion that women respond to toughness, abrasiveness, and even cruelty... Many men do not realize today that women deem tenderness, love, and caring as a strength, not a weakness. In essence, it is masculine to be tender, and there are few things more effective that a husband can do to draw his wife near to him than kindness and care for her and their children.” He continues.

Some women think “he’ll get a big head/ get dominating if I am tender to him”

For those of us who strive to abide by the Bible – consider John 13:34, 35: as disciples of Jesus Christ, we are to become known as a loving people. 1 John 3:18: “let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed” Dictionary definition of “deed” – thing consciously done, especially one noted for its motive…

“Caring for each other – and for ourselves – is essential to the good life” George Bach wrote in a book titled A Time for Caring. “Many have learned to be superficially caring in the outside world because others will respond… Then, when we return home, we fail to demonstrate what (little!) caring skills we do have to those we live with and are around the most – our spouses and our children.”

“We have found… that unless husbands and wives are basically caring people, all these tools (communication, decision making, conflict resolution), or skills if you will, are useless” Dr Barlow again.

If either of you are not being tender with each other by choice or by chance: remember that you are not only missing out on the best of love and marriage, but you are sowing the seeds of marital destruction.

Getting out of the TENDERNESS TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something! – Do something every, every day

1. Say: “I love you”

2. Share: personal matters, concerns, interests

3. Support: emotional and moral sustaining

4. Spend: (costly to costless ) – gifts

5. Show: physical: touching, hugging and kissing - non-sexual as well as sexual

6. Show: emotional: tolerance, patience

7. Show: actions of kindness (with no expectations!)

Be specific – what exactly?
Be understandable – what clearly?
Be measurable – how will I know it is done/I have done it?
Be future oriented – who/how do I want to become?
Be “small” – choose something that is not exhaustive to me
(It’s better to do more in time than to do less)

Instructions for the following lists of at least 12 items:

Make a list of “loving deeds” I would love from my spouse:

I give the list to my spouse so he/she will know what
I consider “loving deeds” at this time of our lives –
I will EXPECT nothing from this list to be done,
I will HOPE that at some time in my life, somehow, all of
the“loving deeds” will be done by someone, if not my spouse

Make a list of “loving deeds” I want to do for my spouse:
(I will do one per day and monitor my own progress regularly)

How many “loving deeds” was I able to accomplish?
Were my “loving deeds” received and understood as such?
What modifications might I need to make to my list?
Which “loving deeds” do I want to keep on my TO DO list?
What new “loving deeds” would I like to add?
What “loving deeds” would I like to do in the next two weeks?
(If my spounse can't receive all the loving deeds I have to give yet...
well, spread them around for now - there are so many needy people
in the world - just be sure you give your loving gifts safely for
you and also for the recipients)

Discuss the “loving deeds” exercise together if you can
If you can’t discuss the exercise, do the “deeds” anyway!

This is a start – Be Ongoing - forever

TLC rather than RT = Tender Loving Care rather than Rough Treatment

It’s Tough To Be Tender – Let’s be tough enough to be tender! And its Tough To Be Tender if you are tender… Let’s be tender anyway – that’s the better way, most of the time, to be whole and wholesome.

Who Cares? - ME! ME! Let it be me, let it be me.

Strength to you as you join me and many others in deliberate efforts to be more loving and tender in our marriages.

The Togetherness Trap

Number 3 of this series of 12 Traps:

Dear Friend

Pause with me and now consider the next trap mentioned by Brent A Barlow:
The Togetherness Trap

The TOGETHERNESS TRAP:
Having either too little or too much identity and bonding as a married couple.

Togetherness: The quality, state, or condition of being together or in a union, proximity, or contact; warm fellowship, as among members of a family.

The trap we sometimes get into is believing that when we are in our spouses presence, we are “together”. …we can sometimes be physically present and psychologically absent.

Some of us are companions by definition and identity only. We live, eat and work in close proximity, yet we are not very close… we have had a wedding but not yet experienced a marriage… we spent time together though emotionally and psychologically we are as distant as if we lived hundreds of miles apart.

On the other hand - there is the other equally devastating side of this trap: we can become too close, too bound together in our marriage.

“A young man got me out of bed one night. He wanted to talk and I agreed to listen. The new groom was upset because his wife of seven months was going home to visit her parents for two weeks… The longer he talked, the more I knew why. They were too close and their lives too meshed – a common problem for newlyweds.” - Dr Brent A Barlow

There is a season and a time for every purpose: “a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.”
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

M Scott Peck writes: “The genuine lover always perceives the beloved as someone who has a totally separate identity…Genuine love not only respects the individuality of the other, but actually seeks to cultivate it.” “The Road Less Traveled” pp 161, 166, 168.

Getting out of the TOGETHERNESS TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something!

How do each of us answer these statements?
Talk together afterwards about it.

In what ways is our marriage perceived the same way by each of us? In what ways differently?
How would I like our marriage to be in five year’s time? Do you agree? Why? Why not?
What can I do today/this week/year to get there?

Togetherness might be redefined as the emotional bonding marriage partners have towards each other.

Let the journey continue towards mutual respect and healthy togetherness.

Our marriage now…

1. I can, and sometimes do, ask you for help when I need it
2. When problems arise, I can, and sometimes do, compromise
3. I approve of your friends
4. I am flexible in how I handle our differences
5. I like to do things with you
6. I can, and sometimes do, take turns acting as leader in our marriage
7. I feel closer to you than to others outside the marriage
8. I can, and sometimes do, change my way of handling tasks
9. I like to spend free time with you
10. I can, and sometimes do, try new ways of dealing with problems
11. I feel very close to you
12. I can, and sometimes do, jointly make decisions with you
13. We share some hobbies/interests
14. Rules change and evolve in our marriage
15. We can, and sometimes do, easily think of things to do together
16. We can, and sometimes do, shift household responsibilities
17. I can, and sometimes do, consult you on my decisions
18. I find it hard to identify the leader in our marriage
19. Togetherness is a top priority for me
20. It is hard to tell who does which household chores in our home

How I would like our marriage to be in five year’s time…

What three things do I appreciate that you do in our marriage?

What three things would you like me to do differently in our marriage?
(I might agree to choose one or more and work on it…)

What do I freely and of my own choosing want to do differently
that might make a difference in the right direction (in my opinion)
in our marriage? (If it doesn’t work… I’ll rethink the matter!)

What constructive changes can I make? Do I want to? When?

Have fun. If at first you don’t succeed in reaching the togetherness balance for you both…
try, try, try again. Perseverance towards a worthy goal pays.

The Tradition Trap

Number 2 in this series of 12 Traps

Dear Friends:

Explore again with Brent A Barlow ("Twelve Traps in Today's Marriage and How to Get Out of Them") and me the second trap:

The TRADITION TRAP:
The insistence that marriage today must be exactly as it has been in the past. (Mine, yours and/or theirs)

Tradition: The handing down of statements, beliefs, legends, customs, and behaviour patterns from generation to generation, especially by word of mouth or by practice.

Who takes out the garbage at your house? Who do you think should? Why?
How "traditional" are you in your marriage?

When men expect their wives to be their mothers, or women expect their husbands to be their fathers, no one wins. "Tarzan and Jane" role expectations need to be examined by each spouse against current, individual, and couple, reality. If we don’t do this, and personally make necessary changes, we may continue to destroy each other in our marriage.

How can we learn to live with each other as genuine individuals? How can we collaborate and accomplish more flexible roles in our marriage? Perhaps some things should remain as they are, but other changes should be made and welcomed… eventually if not immediately. Some, perhaps many, "Tarzan and Jane" roles must give way if our marriage is going to survive at this present time!

How to get out of the TRADITION TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something!
Let ME do something! Even one little thing…
What are my beliefs about our marriage? Why?
What are my spouse’s beliefs about our marriage? Why?
What have I done/not done in our marriage so far? Why?
How can I THINK helpfully, differently, in the future?
What can I DO constructively, differently, in the future?

Often when people seek changes in a relationship, things get worse before they get better.
Persistence (correct vision, and correct application), and respect for both self and spouse,
despite any and all obstacles, from whatever quarter, pays.

Don’t expect immediate success. Give your impaired marriage adequate (plenty of) time for improvement. “Hoping isn’t coping.” “Show love by deeds.”

All together now – One, Two, Three: “Let the reformation begin with me!”

The Time Trap

Number 1 of this series of 12 Traps:

Dear Friends

Explore again with Brent A Barlow (“Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to avoid them”) and me: The Time Trap

The TIME TRAP:
Spending an inadequate amount of time as a married couple to maintain or improve our marriage.

Time: A measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists.

By measuring, or observing where we spend our time, we can obtain a fairly accurate evaluation of what we value in life. How does the time spent with your spouse figure in this time evaluation?
“I don’t have time” you may say. The truth is, we all have the same amount of time. We find/make time to do the things we want to do, the things we value.

We’re often somewhat sensitive about the time we spend with our children – are we sensitive about the time we spend with our spouse? Sometimes we are bluffed into thinking that the time building our family will also build our marriage. Not so. Building a marriage often requires different activities… and time apart from the children.

Less effective time together

Watching television together
Puttering around the house doing chores
Eating meals
Sleeping

More effective time together

Time when there are little or no distractions such as children, television, newspapers or phone calls.
Isolated time when you and your spouse can talk to each other, about each other, on the deeper levels of ideas, emotions and feelings, rather than the routines of things and people.

Try this: Out of the 168 hours of each week, how many hours do you devote to:

Grouped into “Necessary / Individual / Recreational / Family / Couple” Activities

N - Sleeping ____
N - Job/occupation ____
N - Household management ____
N - Eating ____
N - Child care ____
I/R/F - Sports/hobbies ____
I/R/F - Exercise/health care ____
I/R/F - Education/study ____
I/R/F - Church/community ____
I/R/F - Reading ____
I/R/F - Television ____
F - Extended family ____
F - Family and friends ____
F - Children ____
F - Children/children and spouse ____
C - Significant time with spouse ____

Total: 168 hours = 100%


How did you do?

Frankly, most of us pay lip service to the importance of our marriages and don’t have much evidence to substantiate our words.

“It is easier to change oil in engines than to change engines!”
“You can pay a little now, or a lot later”
We become careless about the maintenance of our cars…
How is the maintenance of our own marriage doing?

You cannot keep drawing from a bank account without replenishing it…
Do we try to do this with our own marriage?

“In my estimation you are caught in the Time Trap if you are spending only two to three hours a week on marriage maintenance.” - Brent A Barlow

How to get out of the TIME TRAP: LDS - Let’s Do Something!

Let ME do something!

I will spend twenty minutes a day with my spouse in

TIME (talk and listen)
TALK (about significant things to me AND to my spouse)
TOUCH (hold hands, an arm around the shoulder or waist
Stroke hair, arm, touch face, cheek, ear, etc.)

Twenty minutes a day will help keep Dr Barlow (an other marriage counsellors) away!

Twenty minutes a day is better than a block of time per week!

Twenty minutes a day is suggested by Dr Barlow as a minimum amount to maintain a marriage, more is needed to help it flourish. One person - you - can make a difference! One person doing something is better than no-one doing something!

What happens if you travel away from home? How can you spend a minimum of twenty minutes a day with your spouse although you’re not physically with each other?

Do you have enough time to build and improve your marriage? You have as much time as anyone else.

Like other living things, a marriage must have time, and sufficient of what it needs to survive and more than the mimimum to thrive.

A good month to you – I’m working on these things too…

Watch and Be Ready

Watch: To be attentive or vigilant; to keep guard; to keep someone or something under close observation.

Brent Barlow (a family therapist) wrote a book called “Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and How to Avoid them”. He discusses the essential quality of alertness in our marriages.

A marriage myth: “Divorce? It can’t/won’t happen to me”

The truth: Any marriage can end in divorce – yours and mine included.
Some apparently “married” people are actually “divorced”…
Many of us are not taking enough action to reinforce our marriages.
- Those most aware of the danger are often the ones least harmed!
(They stand guard… and do what needs doing in time)

Plan of action: LDS - Let’s Do Something!

Let’s do something about our marital relationships
while we still have the opportunity and the time to do it.

“If you fear, then fear not. If you fear not, then fear.” Do both! In balance!

Am I fearful/complacent about my marriage?

How is my own personal life?

Am I watching and correcting myself?

What’s really happening in my own marriage? In my own family?

Personal application: What do I need to do for my marriage? Watch? Think? Pray?

What can I personally do better/differently to improve my marriage?

What is the wisest part of me whispering to me to do/change?

Am I resisting or yielding to this quiet knowing? How? Why?

“Watch yourselves and your thoughts and your words and your deeds.”

“Who am I to judge another when I walk imperfectly?”

Change your marriage in seven days

Grow old with me…
The best is yet to be.

Day 1
Believe that change is possible.

Day 2
Make some decisions.
Decide to stay married where possible.
Decide to improve your marriage. Stop doing what irritates.
Decide to change yourself first.

Day 3
Create your image.
What you want yourself to be in your marriage?
What do you want your marriage to be?
Be the change you want in yourself and your marriage.

Day 4
Shift your focus.
Think on positive things.
Share them often with your spouse.

Day 5
Take the time.
Time to embrace.
Time to love.
Time together.
Time to have at least two dates together per month – no children.
Time to think.
Time to plan.
Time to work out your plan.

Day 6
Pray.
Together, if possible.
Pray for yourself and your spouse.
Pray for your marriage.

Day 7
Remember.
What attracted you to your spouse originally?
What did you say “I do” to in the formal ceremony when you were married?

- When I find who gave me this information I will list the credit.