The Talk Trap

Number 5 of this series of 12 Traps:


Dear Friend

How’s this for a TRAP - Dr Brent A Barlow invites us to consider:
The Talk Trap

The TALK TRAP:
The inability or unwillingness to do much more than exchange information with a marriage partner on a routine, day-to-day basis.

Talk: To communicate or exchange ideas or information by speaking: to consult or confer.

Are you and/or I living in a state of “Irish Divorce”? Dr Barlow quotes John Connolly describing it: “…miserable though married. They don’t talk much to each other, and they seldom go anywhere together. Publicly, few may know of the (real) condition of their marriage. There is a no legal separation, but psychologically and emotionally they leave each other.” Food for deep thought for all of us.

“Isn’t it interesting that, in general, men prefer to talk about things outside of themselves, whereas most women would rather discuss topics of a personal nature?” says Casey Peterson. Therefore: “I tended to be direct and practical and Debbie (his wife) wanted a sympathetic listener. I wanted to fix all her problems and often said “Here’s what ya do.”… In short, I was an advice-giver, not a listener.

"What we’ve both learned is to state our needs – if I want support (just listening), I ask for it. If I want advice (more than just listening), I ask for that.”

Husbands and wives may talk and listen for different reasons. What are yours do you think?

Talking usually takes place on one of four levels: Which is/are your favourite/s?

(1) Things (2) People (3) Ideas (4) Feelings

How can you and I increase our competence and use all four? When is it appropriate to use which level?


Here are two important Communication Skills:

CARING: “If caring is the key to effective communication, and I suggest it is, then we would improve our communication skills by becoming more caring people.” – Dr Barlow (See the previous Out of the Blue!)

LISTENING: “Many of us believe we are good listeners just because we keep quiet when someone is speaking… Paying attention to our spouse when he/she is talking is not only a courtesy, but it is also an important key to sharing and understanding…” - Dr Brent A Barlow
“Listening, like reading, is primarily an activity of the mind, not of the ear or the eye. When the mind is not actively involved in the process, it should be called hearing, not listening.” - Dr Mortimer Adler

A major mistake most people make in listening is in regarding it as a passive reception rather than as active participation. “The catcher behind the plate is just as active a baseball player as the pitcher on the mound. Receiving the ball… requires as much skill, though it is a skill of a different kind. Without the complementary efforts of both players, properly attuned to each other, the play cannot be completed.

“Of course, the fault may not always lie with the listener. The failure to catch a wild pitch is not the catchers fault.” - Dr Adler

Getting out of the TALK TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something! Start today.

Here are some deep level communication sentences
to complete and discuss: this will give you a “kick start”

1. I feel closest to you spiritually when…
2. I feel most inspired…
3. Religion to me is…
4. Spirituality to me is…
5. The most spiritual thing that has ever happened to me is…
6. The time I feel most hopeful is…
7. The things that are most worth living for now are…


Here’s an exercise: One of you is A, the other B:

A: take a stand, or give an opinion on a
particular topic or issue.

State two or three reasons for your
point of view.

B: listen (look at A – face and body language,
listen to the words used and also the
tone of voice).

Restate A’s position as best you can.
Restate reasons for his/her point of view.

Agree or disagree.
Give two or three reasons why.

A: listen attentively (look well and listen well).

Restate B’s position as best you can.
Restate B’s reasons for his/her point of view.

Agree or disagree.
Give two or three reasons why.

Carry on the pattern and see what happens.
No doubt you’ll learn something about yourself and also about your spouse.
If you simply can’t be peaceful about having different opinions, take a “Time Out” and/or say something like “We sure do disagree/feel very strongly on this don’t we? I can and will disagree agreeably. I respect your point of view – I respect my own too. I’ll think about this over the next few days. Thank you for sharing your ideas/feelings with me. I love you.”


"Till next time...