The Tyranny Trap

Number 6 of this series of 12 Traps:


Dear Friend

Here’s a trap thatwe sometimes fall into…Explore again with Dr Brent A Barrow (“Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to avoid them”) and me:
The Tyranny Trap

The TYRANNY TRAP:
The tendency of one marriage partner to exercise too much power or control in decision making.

Tyranny: Arbitrary or unrestrained exercise of power; despotic abuse of authority

Question: Should the man be the head of the house?
In what way should the man be/not be the head of the house?

Here are some types of “heads”:
The King;
Benevolent Dictator;
Impasse Arbitrator;
Mayor/Political Boss;
Chairman of the Board;
Limited Partnership;
Guide/Scout;
The Bishop/Pastor;
The Servant of All.

If you look up some of these words in a dictionary you’ll probably have an interesting additional exercise.

Question:

Which of these styles would result in "mirages" and "assumptions" and "stereotypes"?
For whom? In what way? When?
Which of these styles will be "good" and "true" and "useful" and "genuinely problem solving"?
For whom? In what way? When?

You are more likely to be in the Tyranny Trap
1. If there is an imbalance in your decision making
2. If you are more concerned with "who decides" than "what is decided"

How to get out of the Tyranny Trap: LDS - Let"s Do Something!

Question:

Who currently makes most of which decisions in your household?
Use this 1 - 5 scale in answering the QUESTIONAIRE:

1. Husband only decides
2. Husband decides after consulting with wife
3. Both decide together
4. Wife decides after consulting with husband
5. Wife only decides

Do the following QUESTIONAIRE individually.
Discuss together periodically if/when you can:

The QUESTIONAIRE:

Who currently decides? Who should? Why?

Where couple live
What job husband takes
How many hours husband works
What occupation wife will do
How much time to spend together as a couple
How many children in the family
When to have children
How and when to discipline children
How much time to spend with children
How much time to spend with family/friends
When to have sexual relations
How to spend which money
When to make what major financial purchases
How much money to give to church and charity
How much time to spend in church activities
How much time to spend in community activities
How much time to spend in which personal pursuits
Where and when to go on holiday/vacation
Other…

Were most of your answers in the 1 (Husband only decides) or the 5 (Wife only decides) category?

You may be in the Tyranny Trap. You may be in the “no alternative” place because you don't know any better or because you or your spouse refuses actively or passively to share in the decision making!

What would you like to happen?
What NEEDS to happen in your marriage?
How can any change needed be begun, carried on, accelerated?
Who needs to do what?
What help might one of you need from the other?
Can you/will you ask for the help you need?
Who will you ask for the help you need?

Were most of your answers in the 3 (Both decide together) category?

Are you in the previously reviewed Togetherness Trap?
SLOW isn’t it?
This category is good for decisions affecting you both very much.

Have you relegated as many of your decisions as possible to the 1, 2, 4, and 5 categories? (cautious with 1 and 5 though!)

“By so doing, you may be adding some oil to what otherwise might be a rusty marital relationship.” Says Dr Barlow.

How ARE we really doing?
What changes do we NEED to make?
In WHO'S opinion?
WHY?

Another help in “checking and balancing” is the CONTEMPLATED way of making decisions:

Is what I/we are deciding to do:

1. In harmony with the TEN COMMANDMENTS test – the Law?
2. In harmony with the GOLDEN RULE test – do unto others as you would have them do unto you?
3. In harmony with the JESUS’ NEW COMMANDMENT test – love one another as I have loved you?
4. In harmony with the CONSEQUENCES test – is it hurtful/helpful to me and others?
5. In harmony with the PUBLICITY test – would I be ashamed if others knew about the way I decided?
6. In harmony with the RESPECTED PEOPLE test – Would one I respect sustain me in this thing?
7. In harmony with the UNIVERSALITY test – would the world be better/worse if everyone did as I do?
8. In harmony with the PROJECTED RETROSPECT test – Will I be pleased later with my decision now?
9. In harmony with the JESUS’ EXAMPLE test – Is this the way Jesus would do it if he were me now?
10. In harmony with the SELF-LOVE test – If I do this will I be caring for myself as well as the other/s?
11. In harmony with the CONSCIENCE test – Will I feel regret or gratitude later?

“The next time you or your spouse confront a major decision, why not apply these eleven tests to your options? It may help you in getting out of the tyranny trap and result in excellent decisions.” Dr Barlow