The Turmoil Trap

Number 7 of this series of 12 Traps:


Dear Friends

How’s your life at the moment – Tranquil or Turmoil? Hopefully there is some, not too much, of each… That’s within the range of “Normal” and “Healthy”.

Pause with me and consider Dr Barlow’s thoughts on

The Turmoil Trap
The inability of a married couple to deal constructively with marital conflict.

Turmoil: A state of extreme confusion, agitation, or commotion; turbulence or disorder.

How does one deal with “what should be” (no marital conflict) compared to “what is” (conflict of varying degrees and frequency)?

Perhaps what we need in marriage is idealism tempered with realism.

Here are two myths in Dr Barlow’s opinion:

“Marriages will be free of conflict” and “The presence of conflict indicates a bad marriage.”

There may be marriages with little or no conflict, though many marriages that appear to be free of conflict may be actually far from it. There may be little contact between the two spouses and so little on which to differ.

In another type of marriage a husband and wife may have worked out a dominant/submissive relationship, in other words, one is master, the other is slave. Obviously a slave rarely disagrees with a master… this may be good for master/slave relationship, it is not good for husband/wife relationships!

Some older couples who “have never had a cross word between them” are probably forgetful!

Some couples avoid public displays of conflict and so their children and others believe they never had arguments.

Perhaps, then, we should not be overwhelmed that conflicts do/will occur in marriage. The key is what we do with them when they arise.

Have you ever done any of these listed below?
Rather… when last did either/both of you do this?!

HORIBILIZING:
We make more out of the differences than we should: we make a difficult or bad situation worse by irrational and/or uncontrolled thought.

PINCHING:
When last did you "pinch" you spouse? Did you hurt them? Probably a major crisis in your relationship will be the result of a series of small irritations (pinches) that are not dealt with by you, or both, when they arise.

Here are some examples of what might feel like PINCHES (clashes of wishes) to some spouses - perhaps yours:

You talk to me while I am on the phone
You leave a mess after you
You make light of a problem I tell you about
You come home and yell at our children when you are tired
You tease/mock/humiliate me in front of others
You question my judgement in front of our children

If and When you are calm with each other, and If and When you can:

Ask and discuss what feel like pinches from YOU to YOUR SPOUSE...
Tell and discuss what feel like YOUR pinches from YOUR SPOUSE.

Take turns talking and listening.
Take a “Time Out” whenever one of you needs it during your discussions.

How to get out of the TURMOIL TRAP:
LDS – Let’s DO Something!

List all the differences you have with each other that you can think of right now – add to the list when you remember others.

Divide the differences into two categories:

Essential:
Those differences that could break up your marriage

Non-essential:
Differences that should not affect the stability of you marriage

“In Essentials, let there be unity; in Non Essentials, liberty; and in all things, charity”
BH Roberts

Consider this sequence:

Differences > Disagreements > Conflict > Anger
(The next trap we discuss will be Anger – watch the for the next post for more on this one)

Decide where you are along this sequence with each of your spousal differences

Discuss and decide on one of the following for each difference, as far as possible now – Remember to “Time Out” when one or both of you need it…

COEXIST:
Accommodate each other in ways where you differ - agree to disagree, agreeably.
Practice patience and tolerance and courtesy.

CAPITULATE:
Acquiesce.
Give in.
As you discuss the issue, think about how much out of 10 you want what
you want.
If one wants it 8 out of 10 and the other 4 out of 10 capitulation works well.
Take turns at Just Giving In.
Say “Yes” rather than “Yes… but…” as often as you can. It is refreshing for both!

COMPROMISE:
Negotiate. Both of you yield or give in a little until you find a comfortable enough middle ground.

COLLABORATE (Win/Win):
Work, plan and persist with each other respectfully until you both derive your
major goals – probably in creative ways you haven’t thought about yet.
That usually means that you both need to find new ways to give and receive.
This may take a while!

PRACTICE MAKES IT EASIER.
Learn the skills of each “C” style above and many marital conflicts can be resolved or significantly modified.
Differences, most of them, do not have to be resolved NOW and only ONE WAY!.

Here’s an example of each style: Husband wants a R500 camera, Wife wants a R500 clock.

Coexist:
Do nothing about either desire, for now, or for ever, agreeably.

Capitulate:
Either the camera or the clock is bought.

Compromise:
He gets a less expensive camera, she gets a less expensive clock

Collaborate:
Perhaps they sell something so that they can get both at the same time.
Perhaps they find a way to earn or raise the extra money so that both can be bought.

These "C" are wonderful skills to have –
they are worth regularly developing and refining a further degree of each “C” to be able to use the appropriate and problem solving one most useful to enrich your marriage.

Enjoy your days.