Mothers-in-Law

Submitted in Marriage by Kate Lee on November 18, 2013 http://familyshare.com

 

My Mother-in-law isn't horrible, she's just different than what I was raised with and what I am used to. It's time to learn how to adapt to a different crazy.

I was talking to my newly married brother the other day and we were discussing mother-in-laws. After going on a cross country drive with his, he had discovered that she wasn't exactly the person he had at first thought that she was. He said something that to me hit the nail on the head as far as MILs are concerned. He said, "She's just a different crazy than I'm used to."

He's exactly right. It's not that our MILs are horrible while our own mothers are perfect. It's just that they’re different. So how do we adapt to a different crazy? The following are some of the issues I have faced with my own MIL.

Communication
It's trite I know, but it's true. My family is an open book, maybe too open. My in-laws book isn't just closed, it's hidden. I have written letters to my MIL to communicate feelings, both bad and good. Although nothing changes, she has always been gracious and I've discovered that it helps me not to keep negative feelings bottled up. We probably aren't going to change, but it still doesn't ever hurt to explain who we are and why we do the things we do. A little bit of understanding goes a long way.

What do I call you?
I still remember the phone ringing once during a family dinner. My brother-in-law was closest to it, so he answered it. It was for my Mom. He stood there awkwardly holding the phone out in front of him not saying anything. Since there were about 20 of us in the room none of us knew who it was for. Finally he blurted out, "The phone's for you, Mom ... Connie ... Sister Rose ... Mrs. Rose."
We thought it was hysterical and even more so when my Mom got a weird look on her face. "I'm not your Mom."

This was a far cry from my own MIL who would love for me to call her “Mom.” I'm not comfortable calling her that, not because she isn't wonderful or that I don't love her, but simply because I already have a mom. That title is pretty sacred. It's not just a name. It’s something that's earned. My Mom has earned it, just like my MIL has with her own kids. As much as some families try to act like everyone is equal and there aren't "in-laws," it's not true. Otherwise we wouldn’t use the name "in-law." It's a fact, not a criticism. But being an in-law doesn't have to mean that you're a "less than." I certainly don't expect my mother-in-law to feel the same way about me as she does her own daughters. That doesn’t, nor should it, offend me. We can still have a great relationship without forcing it to be more than it needs to be.

Change Probably Won't Happen
How many times have we had the same arguments over and over again with our loved ones? This is because we all have faults and usually these arguments center on our faults. Change is hard, but maybe acceptance is easier. For years there have been things that have driven me crazy about my MIL and I'm sure she feels the same about me. I've discovered something. The more I try to get things to change, the more frustrated I become. I had an epiphany the other day. It was that I wasn't being fair to my MIL. My Mom is a very strong and independent woman. I realized that I was expecting my MIL to handle things the way my own mother does and I was becoming upset when she didn’t. I didn't even realize I was doing this. I was viewing my MIL as weak and was losing respect for her because of it — something that was very unfair.

My mom raised us to be tough and very independent. She encourages her children and their spouses to rely on each other and not their parents. My MIL on the other hand would love if we lived with her, sat right by each other all day long on the couch and hugged and kissed each other frequently. Which brings me to the next point.

Personal Space
The first time my husband’s family was all together we all hugged hello and then hugged again good-bye. I wondered if someone had died. Why else would we be hugging? We live within a mile of each other and see each other all the time. I finally explained to the in-laws that just because I'm not a huggy person doesn't mean I don't like you. It's simply not how I was raised. In a weird way I realized that I resented hugging and kissing my MIL because I don’t even act that way with my own mother, who I’m very close to. It felt false to me. What I realized was that it wasn't false on her part. That was how she showed love and that's OK. It's also OK for me not to initiate something I'm not comfortable with. We tend to expect people to react the way we want them to and when they don't we think something is wrong with them.

Don't get offended on the small things. Save it for the big ones.
If your MIL invites her daughters to lunch or shopping and doesn't invite the daughter- in-laws, before you get offended ask yourself if you’d invite your MIL to lunch with you and your sisters or your mom. Probably not. Just because she still wants to do some things with just her daughters doesn't mean she hates you. If it’s not a big deal, don’t make it one. Also if your MIL wants to do a family portrait and wants the photographer to take one picture of the original family without in-laws, that's fine. Get over it. However if that's the only picture she wants to take, that's not OK. Your kids chose to marry their spouses. It wasn't your choice, but it shouldn't have been. Do not exclude them from a family picture since they are now part of the family whether you like it or not.

“If you can’t say anything nice……"
Yes, she has faults, but it doesn’t make her an outlaw. I know I have faults too. She’s a mother and probably has had them pointed out to her her whole life either by her kids, a spouse or herself. Just like I have. I want a break sometimes so why can’t I give her one? I know that one day I will face these same issues with my own daughters-in-law and that knowledge tends to give me the perspective I need to be a little kinder. At the very least, it may make it a little easier to let my sons go when they get married one day.

Kate Lee

Kate is a wife, mother of three, and a writer. She has a BA in Communications.
Growing up Kate used to entertain the neighborhood by telling stories about her family (mostly about her Mom). People always laughed and they couldn't believe the stories were true. I always got the same comment. "One day you need to write a book about your family." I'm currently writing that book and blogging about finding the humor in everyday life. My goal is to help people laugh through life's moments of chunder. You can read more of Kate's writing on her blog. Www.momentsofchunder.blogspot.com
 

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Fourteen Marriage Principles

From: Chris Ayers (adapted and expanded) "I love My Family" Facebook page

 

From a psychological perspective, love is mental well-being associated with cooperative living, sexual and spiritual satisfaction.

The history of irrational love has been illustrated by great writers like William Shakespeare in Romeo and Juliet.   We note the themes of crazy passion and desire.

Dramas, soap operas, movies and fairy tales detail how problems disappear when the two lovers are finally together.   This is not real life – it is fiction.

Sometimes we imagine, and what the media teaches: that the power of love is so strong that just being together is all you need to experience a long lasting and happy marriage.  This is an illusion.
We know for sure, or will come to realise, that "happily ever after" is only the beginning.

Here are some points to consider BEFORE your wedding.  If you didn’t do it then, work on these early in the foundation stage of your forever growing marriage:  and remember “Better late than never!”

1. Do you know yourself? It is important to find a right person. But do you consider yourself to be a good and growing person?  Do you know what you do and do not like?  Are you psychologically healthy, trustworthy, empathetic, altruistic and able to share and care for another person enough - not too little or too much? The qualities you search for in another apply to you too. The more you know yourself, the more you’ll know what to look for in another person.  The consequences of what you did not expect will be felt less. If you do not know yourself, no relationship will complete you.

2. Do you accept each other for who you really are? No one is perfect. We all have faults, limits and certain attributes that are detestable to us. Marital problems begin when one party thinks they need to change the other and tries. Change is difficult, and no one can manipulate, shame, trick or force another to change. Each is responsible only for the changes each chooses and can make personally.

3. Is your life generally tranquil? This includes getting along with others, knowing how to solve problems, conversing civilly, and applying empathy, tolerance and good will. Arguing is normal within any intimate relationship.  You need to be sure that the arguments are constructive, problem solving and provide rational and peaceful solutions. If conflicts before and during marriage are ugly and disrespectful, be warned, do not expect them to get better without growth and self-discipline.

4. Do you like yourself and how you feel when you are with your significant other? It is imperative that you know and can be yourself. There is harmony when you and the one you love connect through sufficient similar interests, attitudes and values. Be sure that you feel comfortable in each other’s presence. Similarities strengthen a relationship.  Be considerate of your differences.

5. Do you feel spiritually comfortable around him/her? You need to know that how your spouse feels and acts about the Divine and spiritual will influence your relationship. Someone with an open heart; who is generous, charitable, humble, and cultivates faith and hope daily is better company than someone who cannot tolerate religion, who believes repentance and forgiveness to be "things of the believers", or mocks your personal devotion, cultures or individuals.

6. Do you share compatible interests, attitudes and values? This is fundamental. If both focus on building a life and family together, with similar objectives, the power to overcome marital problems is strengthened. This will affect self-esteem levels, cultures, physical appearance, education levels, family situations and other abilities needed to build a successful and lasting relationship.

7. Do you live within your income?  Do you budget?  Do you creatively “Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without”?  Are you committedly working together, building and maintaining your abode?

8. What do you expect from your husband/wife? Today, male and female roles are ill-defined. It is essential, however, that you know what you expect from each other. In our marriage, we are partners, parents, and companions responsible for sustaining a home and family as lovers, friends and confidants. We need to know how to help each other, play together, clean and collaborate.

9. Do you feel sufficiently sexually attracted to him/her? Far from being everything in a marriage, sexuality is an important part where humor, sociability, respect, affection and confidence nurture your romance.  All these aspects contribute to the chemistry between man and wife. Remember, affection and being together does not mean you need to have sex all the time.

10. Do you feel comfortable around in-law family and friends? It is said that when you marry the individual, you marry the family. If this harmony does not develop, eventually, it will affect your relationship. This includes how your husband/wife feels about the people close to you.

11. Are you interested in making your spouse happy? This means letting him go after his dreams, supporting her, and admiring each other’s potential. While a successful marriage includes your happiness, you will still need to do your part to happify the other, and not always only yourself.

12. Do you have a solid friendship? This means being loyal, honest and trustworthy.  These are supports of a long-lasting marriage. Invest in discovering and using the very many means of communication. Most people enjoy talking to and being with each other. Ponder that.

13. Are your hygiene and habits compatible? Normally, people do not think of these as requirements for a good marriage, but it is essential to know how to take care of and present yourself, and how to contribute to the cleanliness and maintenance of places you live together.  This improves the health of the couple and their children to come.

14. Are you willing to accept the responsibility of making your marriage work? This means you will not give up when problems arise. Less mature attributes such as habitual anger, narcissism, passive aggressiveness, borderline personality disorder and histrionics can pick away at any loving relationship and destroy the marriage and family. Discover more about these if you suspect they are lurking or present.  Agree to do what work you each need to do to resolve your challenges.

Ponder and analyse each point. It is not much. You do not need to be perfect in every requirement to be happy during your growing and maturing marriage. However, good intentions, unity and the desire to better yourself in each of these facets is important for a successful marriage. Without good intentions any one of these points will snowball and destroy the relationship.

These are some hidden truths not often spoken about that will help you make a better decision.

Love can conquer all. But a matured love, that has grown together, that is interesting, strong and unified can do so much more.

Tandem Bike Ride With God

I used to think of God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die. He was out there, sort of like a president. I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I didn't really know Him.

But later on, when I met him, it seemed as though life was rather like a bike, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that God was in the back helping me pedal. I didn't know just when it was He suggested we change, but life has not been the same since I took the back-seat to (God) Maharaj. He makes life exciting. When I had control, I thought I knew the way. It was rather boring, but predictable. It was the shortest distance between two points.

But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places and at break-through speeds; it was all I could do to hang on! Even though it often looked like madness, He said, "Pedal!" I was worried and anxious and asked, "Where are you taking me?" He laughed and didn't answer and I started to learn to trust. I forgot my boring life and entered into adventure. And when I'd say, "I'm scared", He'd lean back and touch my hand.

He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance and joy. They gave me their gifts to take on my journey. And we were off again. He said, "Give the gifts away; they're extra baggage, too much weight." So I did, to the people we met, and I found in giving I received, and still our burden was light.

I did not trust Him, at first, in control of my life. I thought He'd wreck it, but He knows bike secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, jump to clear high rocks, fly to shorten scary passages. And I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and I'm beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion.

And when I'm sure I just can't do any more, He just smiles and says... "Pedal."

www.sikhsangat.com

posted 3 August 2009

 quoted by Erin D Maughan  BYU Devotional 4 August 2009

Perfectionists

"Perfectionists are never happy."
Steve - interviewed on the Dr Phil Television Show

To Be Loved

"To be loved you have to make yourself loveable.
Carrying past baggage does not make you loveable;
it makes you high maintenance."
Allan Harvey "Renovate Your Life." p140

Happily ever after...

"...actually happily ever after is quite hard work."
Sally Powrie

Holy

"To be holy in an unholy society is more of a challenge than to escape into the mountains and meditate and be spiritual."
To be spiritual in a physical and material world - that's the challenge we aspire to all the time."
"We don't take ourselves too seriously - which is perhaps a characteristic of humility."
Rabbi Yossi Goldman

Learn...

"The more you understand, the less dangerous the risk becomes."
Austin Stevens - South African Snake man.

Be realistic and learn about marriage and your own marriage.

A Lot of Love

Said one man under suspicion "I have a lot of love to give."
Said the police officer to him "You have a lot of love to take."
Food for thought as we give and receive love in our marriages.
"Am I really a giver of love... or am I actually giving to receive, is my intention to take..."

Genius

"It takes little genius to identify weaknesses in life... Focus on strengths."
"Show up. Hang in there.
Make a decision. Keep your promises.
Be an intentional family.
Work at your family life.
Love. Appreciate specifically.
Commit. Keep your committment.
Grow your appreciation.
Be. Together.
Make parental dates.
Show love. Say it.
Be affectionate.
Respond (warmly) to affection.
Take time for each other.
Spend time together.
Parent your children.
The rich and the poor have the same amount of time.
Quality Time comes out of Quantity Time.
Attend school and hobby activities.
Eat together as a family."

- Real Families, Real Answers. www.realfamiliesrealanswers.org
See link added to side bar.

The Togetherness Trap

Number 3 of this series of 12 Traps:

Dear Friend

Pause with me and now consider the next trap mentioned by Brent A Barlow:
The Togetherness Trap

The TOGETHERNESS TRAP:
Having either too little or too much identity and bonding as a married couple.

Togetherness: The quality, state, or condition of being together or in a union, proximity, or contact; warm fellowship, as among members of a family.

The trap we sometimes get into is believing that when we are in our spouses presence, we are “together”. …we can sometimes be physically present and psychologically absent.

Some of us are companions by definition and identity only. We live, eat and work in close proximity, yet we are not very close… we have had a wedding but not yet experienced a marriage… we spent time together though emotionally and psychologically we are as distant as if we lived hundreds of miles apart.

On the other hand - there is the other equally devastating side of this trap: we can become too close, too bound together in our marriage.

“A young man got me out of bed one night. He wanted to talk and I agreed to listen. The new groom was upset because his wife of seven months was going home to visit her parents for two weeks… The longer he talked, the more I knew why. They were too close and their lives too meshed – a common problem for newlyweds.” - Dr Brent A Barlow

There is a season and a time for every purpose: “a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.”
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

M Scott Peck writes: “The genuine lover always perceives the beloved as someone who has a totally separate identity…Genuine love not only respects the individuality of the other, but actually seeks to cultivate it.” “The Road Less Traveled” pp 161, 166, 168.

Getting out of the TOGETHERNESS TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something!

How do each of us answer these statements?
Talk together afterwards about it.

In what ways is our marriage perceived the same way by each of us? In what ways differently?
How would I like our marriage to be in five year’s time? Do you agree? Why? Why not?
What can I do today/this week/year to get there?

Togetherness might be redefined as the emotional bonding marriage partners have towards each other.

Let the journey continue towards mutual respect and healthy togetherness.

Our marriage now…

1. I can, and sometimes do, ask you for help when I need it
2. When problems arise, I can, and sometimes do, compromise
3. I approve of your friends
4. I am flexible in how I handle our differences
5. I like to do things with you
6. I can, and sometimes do, take turns acting as leader in our marriage
7. I feel closer to you than to others outside the marriage
8. I can, and sometimes do, change my way of handling tasks
9. I like to spend free time with you
10. I can, and sometimes do, try new ways of dealing with problems
11. I feel very close to you
12. I can, and sometimes do, jointly make decisions with you
13. We share some hobbies/interests
14. Rules change and evolve in our marriage
15. We can, and sometimes do, easily think of things to do together
16. We can, and sometimes do, shift household responsibilities
17. I can, and sometimes do, consult you on my decisions
18. I find it hard to identify the leader in our marriage
19. Togetherness is a top priority for me
20. It is hard to tell who does which household chores in our home

How I would like our marriage to be in five year’s time…

What three things do I appreciate that you do in our marriage?

What three things would you like me to do differently in our marriage?
(I might agree to choose one or more and work on it…)

What do I freely and of my own choosing want to do differently
that might make a difference in the right direction (in my opinion)
in our marriage? (If it doesn’t work… I’ll rethink the matter!)

What constructive changes can I make? Do I want to? When?

Have fun. If at first you don’t succeed in reaching the togetherness balance for you both…
try, try, try again. Perseverance towards a worthy goal pays.