Fourteen Marriage Principles

From: Chris Ayers (adapted and expanded) "I love My Family" Facebook page

 

From a psychological perspective, love is mental well-being associated with cooperative living, sexual and spiritual satisfaction.

The history of irrational love has been illustrated by great writers like William Shakespeare in Romeo and Juliet.   We note the themes of crazy passion and desire.

Dramas, soap operas, movies and fairy tales detail how problems disappear when the two lovers are finally together.   This is not real life – it is fiction.

Sometimes we imagine, and what the media teaches: that the power of love is so strong that just being together is all you need to experience a long lasting and happy marriage.  This is an illusion.
We know for sure, or will come to realise, that "happily ever after" is only the beginning.

Here are some points to consider BEFORE your wedding.  If you didn’t do it then, work on these early in the foundation stage of your forever growing marriage:  and remember “Better late than never!”

1. Do you know yourself? It is important to find a right person. But do you consider yourself to be a good and growing person?  Do you know what you do and do not like?  Are you psychologically healthy, trustworthy, empathetic, altruistic and able to share and care for another person enough - not too little or too much? The qualities you search for in another apply to you too. The more you know yourself, the more you’ll know what to look for in another person.  The consequences of what you did not expect will be felt less. If you do not know yourself, no relationship will complete you.

2. Do you accept each other for who you really are? No one is perfect. We all have faults, limits and certain attributes that are detestable to us. Marital problems begin when one party thinks they need to change the other and tries. Change is difficult, and no one can manipulate, shame, trick or force another to change. Each is responsible only for the changes each chooses and can make personally.

3. Is your life generally tranquil? This includes getting along with others, knowing how to solve problems, conversing civilly, and applying empathy, tolerance and good will. Arguing is normal within any intimate relationship.  You need to be sure that the arguments are constructive, problem solving and provide rational and peaceful solutions. If conflicts before and during marriage are ugly and disrespectful, be warned, do not expect them to get better without growth and self-discipline.

4. Do you like yourself and how you feel when you are with your significant other? It is imperative that you know and can be yourself. There is harmony when you and the one you love connect through sufficient similar interests, attitudes and values. Be sure that you feel comfortable in each other’s presence. Similarities strengthen a relationship.  Be considerate of your differences.

5. Do you feel spiritually comfortable around him/her? You need to know that how your spouse feels and acts about the Divine and spiritual will influence your relationship. Someone with an open heart; who is generous, charitable, humble, and cultivates faith and hope daily is better company than someone who cannot tolerate religion, who believes repentance and forgiveness to be "things of the believers", or mocks your personal devotion, cultures or individuals.

6. Do you share compatible interests, attitudes and values? This is fundamental. If both focus on building a life and family together, with similar objectives, the power to overcome marital problems is strengthened. This will affect self-esteem levels, cultures, physical appearance, education levels, family situations and other abilities needed to build a successful and lasting relationship.

7. Do you live within your income?  Do you budget?  Do you creatively “Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without”?  Are you committedly working together, building and maintaining your abode?

8. What do you expect from your husband/wife? Today, male and female roles are ill-defined. It is essential, however, that you know what you expect from each other. In our marriage, we are partners, parents, and companions responsible for sustaining a home and family as lovers, friends and confidants. We need to know how to help each other, play together, clean and collaborate.

9. Do you feel sufficiently sexually attracted to him/her? Far from being everything in a marriage, sexuality is an important part where humor, sociability, respect, affection and confidence nurture your romance.  All these aspects contribute to the chemistry between man and wife. Remember, affection and being together does not mean you need to have sex all the time.

10. Do you feel comfortable around in-law family and friends? It is said that when you marry the individual, you marry the family. If this harmony does not develop, eventually, it will affect your relationship. This includes how your husband/wife feels about the people close to you.

11. Are you interested in making your spouse happy? This means letting him go after his dreams, supporting her, and admiring each other’s potential. While a successful marriage includes your happiness, you will still need to do your part to happify the other, and not always only yourself.

12. Do you have a solid friendship? This means being loyal, honest and trustworthy.  These are supports of a long-lasting marriage. Invest in discovering and using the very many means of communication. Most people enjoy talking to and being with each other. Ponder that.

13. Are your hygiene and habits compatible? Normally, people do not think of these as requirements for a good marriage, but it is essential to know how to take care of and present yourself, and how to contribute to the cleanliness and maintenance of places you live together.  This improves the health of the couple and their children to come.

14. Are you willing to accept the responsibility of making your marriage work? This means you will not give up when problems arise. Less mature attributes such as habitual anger, narcissism, passive aggressiveness, borderline personality disorder and histrionics can pick away at any loving relationship and destroy the marriage and family. Discover more about these if you suspect they are lurking or present.  Agree to do what work you each need to do to resolve your challenges.

Ponder and analyse each point. It is not much. You do not need to be perfect in every requirement to be happy during your growing and maturing marriage. However, good intentions, unity and the desire to better yourself in each of these facets is important for a successful marriage. Without good intentions any one of these points will snowball and destroy the relationship.

These are some hidden truths not often spoken about that will help you make a better decision.

Love can conquer all. But a matured love, that has grown together, that is interesting, strong and unified can do so much more.