The Togetherness Trap

Number 3 of this series of 12 Traps:

Dear Friend

Pause with me and now consider the next trap mentioned by Brent A Barlow:
The Togetherness Trap

The TOGETHERNESS TRAP:
Having either too little or too much identity and bonding as a married couple.

Togetherness: The quality, state, or condition of being together or in a union, proximity, or contact; warm fellowship, as among members of a family.

The trap we sometimes get into is believing that when we are in our spouses presence, we are “together”. …we can sometimes be physically present and psychologically absent.

Some of us are companions by definition and identity only. We live, eat and work in close proximity, yet we are not very close… we have had a wedding but not yet experienced a marriage… we spent time together though emotionally and psychologically we are as distant as if we lived hundreds of miles apart.

On the other hand - there is the other equally devastating side of this trap: we can become too close, too bound together in our marriage.

“A young man got me out of bed one night. He wanted to talk and I agreed to listen. The new groom was upset because his wife of seven months was going home to visit her parents for two weeks… The longer he talked, the more I knew why. They were too close and their lives too meshed – a common problem for newlyweds.” - Dr Brent A Barlow

There is a season and a time for every purpose: “a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.”
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

M Scott Peck writes: “The genuine lover always perceives the beloved as someone who has a totally separate identity…Genuine love not only respects the individuality of the other, but actually seeks to cultivate it.” “The Road Less Traveled” pp 161, 166, 168.

Getting out of the TOGETHERNESS TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something!

How do each of us answer these statements?
Talk together afterwards about it.

In what ways is our marriage perceived the same way by each of us? In what ways differently?
How would I like our marriage to be in five year’s time? Do you agree? Why? Why not?
What can I do today/this week/year to get there?

Togetherness might be redefined as the emotional bonding marriage partners have towards each other.

Let the journey continue towards mutual respect and healthy togetherness.

Our marriage now…

1. I can, and sometimes do, ask you for help when I need it
2. When problems arise, I can, and sometimes do, compromise
3. I approve of your friends
4. I am flexible in how I handle our differences
5. I like to do things with you
6. I can, and sometimes do, take turns acting as leader in our marriage
7. I feel closer to you than to others outside the marriage
8. I can, and sometimes do, change my way of handling tasks
9. I like to spend free time with you
10. I can, and sometimes do, try new ways of dealing with problems
11. I feel very close to you
12. I can, and sometimes do, jointly make decisions with you
13. We share some hobbies/interests
14. Rules change and evolve in our marriage
15. We can, and sometimes do, easily think of things to do together
16. We can, and sometimes do, shift household responsibilities
17. I can, and sometimes do, consult you on my decisions
18. I find it hard to identify the leader in our marriage
19. Togetherness is a top priority for me
20. It is hard to tell who does which household chores in our home

How I would like our marriage to be in five year’s time…

What three things do I appreciate that you do in our marriage?

What three things would you like me to do differently in our marriage?
(I might agree to choose one or more and work on it…)

What do I freely and of my own choosing want to do differently
that might make a difference in the right direction (in my opinion)
in our marriage? (If it doesn’t work… I’ll rethink the matter!)

What constructive changes can I make? Do I want to? When?

Have fun. If at first you don’t succeed in reaching the togetherness balance for you both…
try, try, try again. Perseverance towards a worthy goal pays.