The Tenderness Trap

Number 4 of this series of 12 Traps:

Dear Friend

Here I am again with the next trap Dr Brent A Barlow invites us to consider:
The Tenderness Trap

The TENDERNESS TRAP:
The inability or unwillingness of a married couple to be kind, loving, caring, or tender with each other.

Tenderness: The quality of being easily moved to sympathy or compassion; kindness; affection or love.

“Many husbands, I believe, are caught in the tenderness trap because they mistakenly come to believe that being tender is not manly.” says Dr Barlow.

“A great many… males,… (have) the mistaken notion that women respond to toughness, abrasiveness, and even cruelty... Many men do not realize today that women deem tenderness, love, and caring as a strength, not a weakness. In essence, it is masculine to be tender, and there are few things more effective that a husband can do to draw his wife near to him than kindness and care for her and their children.” He continues.

Some women think “he’ll get a big head/ get dominating if I am tender to him”

For those of us who strive to abide by the Bible – consider John 13:34, 35: as disciples of Jesus Christ, we are to become known as a loving people. 1 John 3:18: “let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed” Dictionary definition of “deed” – thing consciously done, especially one noted for its motive…

“Caring for each other – and for ourselves – is essential to the good life” George Bach wrote in a book titled A Time for Caring. “Many have learned to be superficially caring in the outside world because others will respond… Then, when we return home, we fail to demonstrate what (little!) caring skills we do have to those we live with and are around the most – our spouses and our children.”

“We have found… that unless husbands and wives are basically caring people, all these tools (communication, decision making, conflict resolution), or skills if you will, are useless” Dr Barlow again.

If either of you are not being tender with each other by choice or by chance: remember that you are not only missing out on the best of love and marriage, but you are sowing the seeds of marital destruction.

Getting out of the TENDERNESS TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something! – Do something every, every day

1. Say: “I love you”

2. Share: personal matters, concerns, interests

3. Support: emotional and moral sustaining

4. Spend: (costly to costless ) – gifts

5. Show: physical: touching, hugging and kissing - non-sexual as well as sexual

6. Show: emotional: tolerance, patience

7. Show: actions of kindness (with no expectations!)

Be specific – what exactly?
Be understandable – what clearly?
Be measurable – how will I know it is done/I have done it?
Be future oriented – who/how do I want to become?
Be “small” – choose something that is not exhaustive to me
(It’s better to do more in time than to do less)

Instructions for the following lists of at least 12 items:

Make a list of “loving deeds” I would love from my spouse:

I give the list to my spouse so he/she will know what
I consider “loving deeds” at this time of our lives –
I will EXPECT nothing from this list to be done,
I will HOPE that at some time in my life, somehow, all of
the“loving deeds” will be done by someone, if not my spouse

Make a list of “loving deeds” I want to do for my spouse:
(I will do one per day and monitor my own progress regularly)

How many “loving deeds” was I able to accomplish?
Were my “loving deeds” received and understood as such?
What modifications might I need to make to my list?
Which “loving deeds” do I want to keep on my TO DO list?
What new “loving deeds” would I like to add?
What “loving deeds” would I like to do in the next two weeks?
(If my spounse can't receive all the loving deeds I have to give yet...
well, spread them around for now - there are so many needy people
in the world - just be sure you give your loving gifts safely for
you and also for the recipients)

Discuss the “loving deeds” exercise together if you can
If you can’t discuss the exercise, do the “deeds” anyway!

This is a start – Be Ongoing - forever

TLC rather than RT = Tender Loving Care rather than Rough Treatment

It’s Tough To Be Tender – Let’s be tough enough to be tender! And its Tough To Be Tender if you are tender… Let’s be tender anyway – that’s the better way, most of the time, to be whole and wholesome.

Who Cares? - ME! ME! Let it be me, let it be me.

Strength to you as you join me and many others in deliberate efforts to be more loving and tender in our marriages.