The Temper Trap

Number 8 of this series of 12 Traps:

Dear Friends

Here is the trap that I have wondered about for many years: Dr Barlow – “Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and How To Avoid Them” -and I share these comments.

The Temper Trap
The inability or unwillingness of marriage partners to control, modify, or possibly eliminate anger in their relationship.

Temper: State of feeling or frame of mind usually dominated by a single strong emotion; heat of mind or emotion, proneness to anger, passion.

Marriage partners who love each other sometimes become highly irritated or annoyed or outrightly angry with each other. Interesting paradox.

Sometimes a spouse will do or say something that acts as a trigger to the other. On occasion, the absence of actions or words may also irritate.

Premise 1
The state of marriage generates in normal people more anger than they are likely to ever experience in any other relationship

Premise 2
Unless the anger generated can be processed effectively, intimacy is likely to fail to develop. Disillusionment results and can easily lead to alienation

Premise 3
Alienation results from not understanding the anger of either/both. The methods used to deal with the anger of either/both are counterproductive

Premise 4
It is possible, and also not necessarily easy to learn new skills to foster a more productive and creative processing of anger so that it will weld love and intimacy rather than destroy

Recall the last time you were irritated or angry with your spouse. What was the situation? What triggered your anger? Most important, how were YOU feeling before the incident occurred?

Apparently anger and irritation are frequently linked to one’s self-esteem. “There is an all too human tendency for us to get irritated with others in direct proportion to our irritation with ourselves.”
A Guide to Successful Marriage (p 79)- Drs Albert Ellis and Richard Harper

“If my spouse is angry or upset, they may not be living up to their own expectations… or their self-esteem may be low because of some supposed, or real, failures.”

“If I am angry or upset, I may be sitting with the same challenge…”

“If I find myself misdirecting my anger, I should retract my angry statements immediately and apologise for my behaviour admitting that I am actually upset with myself!”

“My anger is a signal that I need to correct some of my thoughts” – Burton Kelly

“My anger is a reminder of weaknesses I need to overcome” – Burton Kelly

“Our hostile feelings towards another person are more fundamental to our problems than the other person’s behaviour.” Terrance D Olson

What is your IQ? - Irritability Quotient?

Are you easily provoked? Here’s a test for you.
Score: 0 = very little annoyance to 4 = very angry

1. The new appliance you bought does not work when you plug it in
2. You are overcharged by a repairman who helped you when you were in a bind
3. You were singled out for correction when others doing the same went unreprimanded
4. You are talking to someone who doesn’t answer you
5. Someone pretends to be what he is not
6. While you are struggling to carry a load someone bumps you and your load spills
7. You get your car stuck in the mud
8. You are hounded by a salesman
9. You have made arrangements and at the last moment you are let down
10. You are being joked about or teased
11. You make a driving error and another motorist yells at you
12. Someone near you is tapping his foot
13. You lend something and the borrower does not return it
14. You have had a busy day and your spouse complains that you forgot to do something for them
15. You are trying to discuss something important to you and the listener won’t let you finish
16. You are talking to someone who knows very little about what they are heatedly professing
17. You need to get somewhere quickly and the car in front of you is driving slowly – you can’t pass
18. A third party keeps interrupting an argument between you and someone
19. You step on a wad of chewing gum
20. When you are in a hurry you tear a good piece of clothing on a sharp object
21. You use your last coin and are disconnected before you can get through and talk
22. You have hung up your clothes and someone knocks them off and doesn’t rehang them
23. Someone makes a mistake and blames it on you
24. You are mocked at by a small group of people as you walk past
25. You are stalled in the traffic. The car behind you keeps hooting at you

How did you score?
0-45 Remarkably low Irritability Quotient
46-55 You respond with less anger than most
56-75 Your response is about average
76-85 You respond with substantially more anger than most
86-100 You have a very high IQ. You probably harbour negative feelings
and have headaches and other aches and pains and high blood pressure.
Relatively few people respond with as much anger as you do

There are at least four normal responses to our own anger and that of others:

FIGHT – immediately becoming verbally or physically aggressive or both
FLIGHT – running away either physically or mentally or emotionally
FREEZE - play dead, or do nothing
FOCUS - get a clear image of what is really going on. Relax and act appropriately and effectively

Each response can be absolutely right or absolutely wrong, or anything in between, depending on the varying circumstances and people present each time anger manifests itself! Which is your favourite? Which do you know least about? How can you learn about all four and use each appropriately?

1. Some people say that anger is instinctive and that neither the onsets nor the consequences are within our control. Like a Temper Tantrum. “You make me so angry…” is the language of this perspective.

2. Others believe that anger is an instinctive response to perceived threat, but we are in control of what we do and say. While we cannot, sometimes, help becoming angry, we can do something about it once we are.

3. A third perspective is that our anger is a choice we make. We can choose whether we are going to become (or remain) angry, and we may therefore, choose not to experience the consequences of anger.

This perspective is difficult and mature. I don’t know anyone as mature as this, do you?
I have made some progress, and also, I am older now, and have less multiplicity of triggers now.

How to get out of THE TEMPER TRAP LDS - Let’s Do Something! It is possible
(The temper trap is not easy for some of us to escape)

Do the IQ test and see where you might be according to that

Keep an “Anger Log” for 2 weeks
What opportunities do you have to get angry?
How often do you get angry?
What kind of anger is it: Anger inwards/outwards?
How often do you get Irritated, Annoyed, Angry..
What happened as a result of your anger: to you, to other/s?

Give yourself to much introspection
Discuss the problem with your spouse or one you can talk to
Professional counselling might also be needed – get it (if it is
not effective, find another counsellor)

Can anger be a choice?
Interesting thought - worth cultivating the capacity to choose not to use anger distructively?

You and I will be working on this for a very long time...

See also BETTER PARENTING - BE PREPARED on my links at the left - entry on "Anger"