The Tension Trap

Number 9 of this series of 12 Traps:


Dear Friends

The 9th Trap discussed by Dr Barlow in his book “Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to get out of them” is

The Tension Trap
= participation in too many stress-producing projects or activities.

Tension: Mental or emotional strain; suspense, anxiety, or excitement; pressure.

“I don’t know if your marriage is like ours, but it seems that my wife and I undergo a great deal of tension” starts Dr Barlow.

Some of it is external – over which we have no control.
Some of it we have a part in: beginning new projects; and also taking a long time to finish them. “Be careful not to start projects you can't finish”.

Life often follows and re-follows the pattern:
Beginnings; Preparation; Establishment; Chaos; Stability.

There’s potential for tension of one kind or another in each of the phases.

Children can be a source of tension… when they are there we experience “chaos” often!
Chaos is stressful for some people.
Lack of chaos is stressful for others.
Which type are you?
“No children” can also be stressful for some.

Here’s a sign seen:
“A mother’s place is in the home… and so is the father’s!”
What does being at home do to your level of stress?
What might you do differently that perhaps could be better?

Other sources of stress:
“The Patti Perfect Syndrome” or the
“The Paul Perfect Syndrome”

Do you try to be perfect at everything you do, all the time, and expect everyone around you to do the same?

Any part of that is a sure-fire recipe for increasingly unbearable tension.
Also the lack of striving is tension producing in many people…

Where is YOUR balance?
Where would you like it to be?

Here’s another syndrome:
“The Ghandi Syndrome”

Ghandi believed that no outside help was necessary, no matter how great the need, self-healing was possible.

If you judge that self-healing is possible when it is not, or not possible when it is… whew… there’s Tension with a capital T:
especially if you judge it one way or the other for another person.
Many people mistakenly believe that mental health problems are self-healing.

How is YOUR mental health?

Here are some questions to ponder and discuss if you want to, and are able to:

Do I like and respect myself?
Do I set , myself realistic, reasonable goals to achieve?
Do I try to see things in their proper perspective?
Do I give of myself to others?
Can I understand that others have needs too?
Am I able to form close relationships with others?
Am I able to endure some delay and hardship to get what I want?
Do I try to respond in a give and take manner in the face of stress?
Can I enjoy life – finding pleasure in a variety of circumstances?
Can I accept my strengths as well as my weaknesses realistically?

How to get out of THE TENSION TRAP:

LDS – yes, Let’s Do Something!

1. Develop a sense of humour

2. Cut back on some present activities (Some are stressed with too light a load – for those, increase the load for relief…)

Do you know anyone whom you admire who has an enlivening, uplifting and enriching sense of humour?

Spend time with them – ask to be their apprentice while you learn from and with them.

It’s possible to do all you want to do – just not necessarily all at the same time.

What can/do you need to cut down (or out) for this week, this month, this year, this decade – even… this life time?

How well do you know yourself and your capabilities?

Do you struggle when you should wait?
Do you wait when you should struggle?
Do you try to do what cannot be done?
Do you fight against facts of life that cannot be changed, at least for now?

“If we do not become pre-occupied with or resent the conditions in which we find ourselves, we can then focus on the areas of life in which change and improvement are possible” concludes Dr Barlow.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,

The courage
To change the things I can,

And the wisdom
To know the difference.

I wish you and me a less tense time until next time.