The Touch Trap

Number 10 of this series of 12 Traps:

Dear Friends

Here is the next of the Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to get out of it according to Dr Brent Barlow:

The Touch Trap
= the absence of touch in a marital relationship other than for routine sexual relations

Touch: The act of bringing a bodily part into contact with something so as to feel it;
handling or feeling gently, usually with the intent to understand or appreciate.

“It seems that a great many wives feel that (emotional) intimacy, touch, and closeness may be more desirable than sexual relationships. A great many husbands today, however, can only be intimate through sexual interaction (physical intimacy). Some men would do well to rethink and relearn their concept of touch and closeness. By so doing, they would be taking an important step out of the touch trap… Shared closeness (emotional intimacy) may be attained in a variety of ways which include, but are not limited to, sexual intimacy.”

“Why is touch so difficult? Many studies have observed that young infants… can actually die from lack of touch. If young children literally need touch to stay alive, perhaps we never outgrow our need for touch as adults. Marital lack of touch can spell death to a marriage. Rekindling touch can save a starved marriage.”

“I am interested in the trend of marriages becoming nontactual after several years of matrimony. Many couples seldom touch each other more than what is needed for routine sexual relationships.” says Dr Barlow. (emphasis added)

“Touch is obviously an important part of the sexual act as well.” He adds. “We are well aware of the love, intimacy, and joy that can come to a married couple when this particular dimension of the marital relationship is nurtured”.

It is interesting to note that the words sex or sexuality do not appear in the scriptures. The same process is described in holy writ with the words know or knew. “Adam knew his wife and she conceived. Cain knew his wife and she conceived and bare Enoch. And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth.” (Gen 4:1, 17, 25) The biblical wording of “knowing” or “becoming acquainted with” is a beautiful way to describe the oneness a husband and wife may attain in marriage through the sexual act.

“All the enduring values of life are heightened, taking on an added significance, when sex functions in its normal ways.” Roy Welker.

How to get out of THE TOUCH TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something…

Touch your spouse non-demandingly
as opportunity arises, every day.

Non-demanding touch:
“stand-next-to” or “from-behind” touch.

Eg:
arm around shoulder in passing
a light passing touch on the arm or the shoulder/s
pat on the back
back rub
side-to-side (or from-the-back) brief hug
lightly touching hair or ear or nape of neck or side of face
lightly kissing from standing at the side/back of the person
Touch that is given to the other person
Touch that expects no reciprocation or response
of any kind in return.

Demanding touch:
“face to face” touch.

Eg:
kiss
holding hands
front-to-front hug
sexual intimacy
any touch that expects a response from the recipient

Demanding touch is also “rough touch”
squeezing, gripping, shaking and worse
touch accompanied by harsh voice or look (intimidating)
This touch is hard, and often impossible, to live with.
This touch is a breach of trust and confidence in a relationship.
This touch can be hard to forgive in a marriage.

“If I could encourage married couples to do just one thing to maintain or improve their relationships, I think I would suggest developing the skill of touch. Touch is one of the most significant forms of communication we have. Obviously, the absence of touch often communicates disinterest or lack of caring.” Muses Dr Barlow.

I challenge you to DO IT! A parched, touch-deprived relationship can become rewarding and flourishing in a surprisingly short time. It’s a miracle I love to see happening.