The Temptation Trap

Number 11 of this series of 12 Traps:


Dear Friends

The second last trap mentioned by Dr Brent A Barlow in his book “Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and How To Avoid Them”:

The Temptation Trap
- Secret or questionable relationships with a member of the opposite sex that can lead to infidelity or adultery.

TEMPTATION:
Enticement or inducement, often through promises of pleasure or gain, to do something regarded as unwise or wrong by God, the Law of the country and sensible and responsible people.

You are undoubtedly in the Temptation Trap if you repeatedly find yourself alone with a member of the opposite sex to whom you are romantically and/or sexually attracted.
You are also in the trap/heading for the trap if another is romantically and/or sexually attracted to you.

“In several surveys, 80% or more of those questioned indicated that sexual relations with anyone other than the spouse is “always” or “almost always” wrong, inappropriate or sinful. Yet, even though the vast majority feel strongly on the subject, a large number of husbands and wives become involved in (emotional) affairs eventually leading to extramarital relations – adultery, in other words.”

How do extramarital relationships begin?

Curiosity, desire for sexual variety, boredom, a need to re-inforce self-image, a search for emotional intimacy, a desire for retaliation.

With whom do extra-marital relationships happen?

Often with another person known prior to the marriage, perhaps a former boyfriend or girlfriend.

What are the effects of extramarital relations?

85% divorce, emotional estrangement between the marriage partners, lessened sexual satisfaction within the marriage.

And what is psychic infidelity?

Continually dwelling on pleasant thoughts of a previous relationship.

Psychic Infidelity can be highly disruptive to a marriage if one is frequently thinking about former friends or wondering how a marriage to them may have been/would be “if things worked out differently”. Be careful of fanning the spark of an old or other flame. While fire may provide warmth and comfort, it can also be consuming.

“You need not try to totally forget former relationships, nor feel guilty or ashamed because of them. The time you spent together was not a lost cause even though you did not marry. You both matured a little and contributed to each other’s lives at that particular time.”

Since you did not marry the other, you would do well to reexamine your present commitment to your spouse and remember your wedding vow to "forsake all others", spiritually, mentally as well as physically. Interests and energy invested in relationships with other members of the opposite sex can, and often does, undermine your marital relationship.

Letters, photos, mementoes and gifts might need to be discarded if they are distracting and interfering with your spiritual, emotional and physical commitment to your marriage.

What should one do when your marriage partner is giving undue attention to a member of the opposite sex?

Dr James Dobson suggests that Love must be Tough.

1. DECLARE to your wayward spouse your dissatisfaction. Be specific and neither under not over dramatize the involvement.
2. DECLARE your intent to stay in the marriage and indicate your willingness to work at the relationship under certain conditions that include a change in their involvement with the other/s.
3. DECLARE your willingness to let go of your spouse if that is what he/she desires.

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t come back, it never was yours in the first place.” - “Love must be Tough” Dr James Dobson p 76

And what if YOU are caught in the temptation trap?

Dr Carlfred Broderick says that when one is caught in adulterous relationships there are three R’s involved:

Resentment
Rationalization
Rendezvous
“Couples” p 161

RESENTMENT:
I/You/We have not found a way yet to deal with your marital problems or resentments.
I/You/We have high expectations (realistic or not) that are unfulfilled for a long period of time.

RATIONALISATION:
I/You/We deny or refuse to acknowledge the possibility/risk of getting involved with another
I/You flirt and say “It doesn’t mean anything”
I am/You are inappropriately empathic, too compassionate, dangerously concerned with another of the opposite sex and don’t see it as a huge risk to our mariage

RENDEZVOUS:
I/You meet in unplanned places with an other
I/You systematically associate with an other
There are more frequent meetings with an other
I/You have lunch (etc) with an other
I/You invite/accept an invitation to meet an other at a particular place without spouses
I/You plan and seek the meeting opportunities with this other

Infidelity depends on a PRIVATE meeting place or an APPOINTMENT to meet.

How to get out of the TEMPTATION TRAP?
LDS – Let’s Do Something!

1. BEWARE of being caught working alone with a member of the opposite sex.
2. Rather than chase butterflies and seek happiness elsewhere, EXAMINE your present situation, LEARN to be content with the spouse you vowed to be with.
3. Actively SEEK happiness in your present relationship.
4. Look for ways to SAFELY RESTRUCTURE questionable situations
5. TAKE YOURSELF BY THE SCRUFF OF YOUR NECK and say to yourself “___________Get out of here!”
6. If necessary, SEVER the relationship and refuse to see/speak to the extra-marital other

Here’s to our LONG and More and More REWARDING covenant marital relationships!