Difficult People

Difficult people are hostile, critical and manipulative. They try to intimidate you actively or passively. Although they are only three to five percent of the population, they create more than half of our everyday problems.

Certainly we can all be miserable, adversarial and pretty unpleasant at times.
Difficult People are this way virtually all of the time.
They go straight for the jugular.
Their only objective is to win, regardless of who stands in the way.
They don’t know any other way to be in relationship with another.

Understand where they are coming from: Generally these people are unhappy, insecure and have low self-esteem. Like all human beings, all they want is to be loved and accepted – although they actually push people away from them. Like all un-confident people, their insatiable need to feel worthwhile makes it necessary for them to win – and to win at all cost. It’s about survival for them.

CHECK: Is he/she one of the Difficult People of the world?
Is this behavioural pattern usual or unusual for this person?
The Difficult Person is this way most of the time.
Although hostile at first, the non-difficult person will eventually respond to effective communication and rational reasoning.
The Difficult Person will be relentless in their pursuit to win.
Are you also a Difficult Person?

Three coping strategies that might come in useful when dealing with a Difficult Person:

1. Remember: YOU will never change the Difficult Person. If they ever change it will be because they decide they need to change. Treat them compassionately, calmly and decently in the meantime. Learn how to choose your own respectable behaviour rather than re-act to their disrespectful, hurtful behaviour. Be a breath of “fresh, clean air” in his/her life.

2. Remain focused and firm. Like spiders spinning their web, the Difficult Person is trying to trap you. They want you to lose control and fight with them. When that happens they “gotcha”.
· Listen carefully to them. Concentrate. Think.
· Maintain direct, gentle-and-yet-firm eye contact.
· When appropriate, speak briefly in a mild, clear, steady voice.
· Remain detached-yet-connected, and moderate, particularly when they are heated.

3. Do not personalize the problem. Indeed this is easier said than done…
Between “I wish you would be different”, “I think I can really help you”,
and “I am trying to survive this emotional assault!” it’s difficult not to internalize the problem.
Yet, in order to cope effectively with a Difficult Person, it is crucial to maintain your self-esteem.

Some inner thoughts might be helpful to you in your attempt to survive and de-personalize:

“This is actually your problem. I won’t be helping you or me to make it mine.”
“I can’t allow you to dictate my behaviour yet again.”
“You want me to fight with you. I have learnt (need to learn) respectful ways to not allow it.”
“Your need to be difficult is a cover-up. You most probably feel onfused/inadequate/frightened.”
“I have the choice to participate in this effectively and safely, or to withdraw to think/recover, for now.”
“I wish I could help you be more secure and feel happier. I don’t have enough skill yet.”

Communicating with a Difficult Person is never easy and can be frustrating.
Be comforted in the fact that all people are challenged in dealing with them.
This is a time for “cool loving” or “warm coolth”.
Although it may not seem possible for you to deal with Difficult People effectively yet, remain brave, optimistic, confident and grateful for this opportunity to practice interacting with another kind of person.

You get to increase your knowledge and try your developing inter-personal and communication skills.

“What kind of world would this world be, if everyone in it learnt to deal with such as Thee?”

Engaging in an argument with a Difficult Person is a NO-WIN proposition.
Learn how to talk and behave your way into a two-or-more person WIN/WIN situation.

From: Keith Levick, PhD. Central Michegan University (alt) 4/06