Number 8 of this series of 12 Traps:
Dear Friends
Here is the trap that I have wondered about for many years: Dr Barlow – “Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and How To Avoid Them” -and I share these comments.
The Temper Trap
The inability or unwillingness of marriage partners to control, modify, or possibly eliminate anger in their relationship.
Temper: State of feeling or frame of mind usually dominated by a single strong emotion; heat of mind or emotion, proneness to anger, passion.
Marriage partners who love each other sometimes become highly irritated or annoyed or outrightly angry with each other. Interesting paradox.
Sometimes a spouse will do or say something that acts as a trigger to the other. On occasion, the absence of actions or words may also irritate.
Premise 1
The state of marriage generates in normal people more anger than they are likely to ever experience in any other relationship
Premise 2
Unless the anger generated can be processed effectively, intimacy is likely to fail to develop. Disillusionment results and can easily lead to alienation
Premise 3
Alienation results from not understanding the anger of either/both. The methods used to deal with the anger of either/both are counterproductive
Premise 4
It is possible, and also not necessarily easy to learn new skills to foster a more productive and creative processing of anger so that it will weld love and intimacy rather than destroy
Recall the last time you were irritated or angry with your spouse. What was the situation? What triggered your anger? Most important, how were YOU feeling before the incident occurred?
Apparently anger and irritation are frequently linked to one’s self-esteem. “There is an all too human tendency for us to get irritated with others in direct proportion to our irritation with ourselves.”
A Guide to Successful Marriage (p 79)- Drs Albert Ellis and Richard Harper
“If my spouse is angry or upset, they may not be living up to their own expectations… or their self-esteem may be low because of some supposed, or real, failures.”
“If I am angry or upset, I may be sitting with the same challenge…”
“If I find myself misdirecting my anger, I should retract my angry statements immediately and apologise for my behaviour admitting that I am actually upset with myself!”
“My anger is a signal that I need to correct some of my thoughts” – Burton Kelly
“My anger is a reminder of weaknesses I need to overcome” – Burton Kelly
“Our hostile feelings towards another person are more fundamental to our problems than the other person’s behaviour.” Terrance D Olson
What is your IQ? - Irritability Quotient?
Are you easily provoked? Here’s a test for you.
Score: 0 = very little annoyance to 4 = very angry
1. The new appliance you bought does not work when you plug it in
2. You are overcharged by a repairman who helped you when you were in a bind
3. You were singled out for correction when others doing the same went unreprimanded
4. You are talking to someone who doesn’t answer you
5. Someone pretends to be what he is not
6. While you are struggling to carry a load someone bumps you and your load spills
7. You get your car stuck in the mud
8. You are hounded by a salesman
9. You have made arrangements and at the last moment you are let down
10. You are being joked about or teased
11. You make a driving error and another motorist yells at you
12. Someone near you is tapping his foot
13. You lend something and the borrower does not return it
14. You have had a busy day and your spouse complains that you forgot to do something for them
15. You are trying to discuss something important to you and the listener won’t let you finish
16. You are talking to someone who knows very little about what they are heatedly professing
17. You need to get somewhere quickly and the car in front of you is driving slowly – you can’t pass
18. A third party keeps interrupting an argument between you and someone
19. You step on a wad of chewing gum
20. When you are in a hurry you tear a good piece of clothing on a sharp object
21. You use your last coin and are disconnected before you can get through and talk
22. You have hung up your clothes and someone knocks them off and doesn’t rehang them
23. Someone makes a mistake and blames it on you
24. You are mocked at by a small group of people as you walk past
25. You are stalled in the traffic. The car behind you keeps hooting at you
How did you score?
0-45 Remarkably low Irritability Quotient
46-55 You respond with less anger than most
56-75 Your response is about average
76-85 You respond with substantially more anger than most
86-100 You have a very high IQ. You probably harbour negative feelings
and have headaches and other aches and pains and high blood pressure.
Relatively few people respond with as much anger as you do
There are at least four normal responses to our own anger and that of others:
FIGHT – immediately becoming verbally or physically aggressive or both
FLIGHT – running away either physically or mentally or emotionally
FREEZE - play dead, or do nothing
FOCUS - get a clear image of what is really going on. Relax and act appropriately and effectively
Each response can be absolutely right or absolutely wrong, or anything in between, depending on the varying circumstances and people present each time anger manifests itself! Which is your favourite? Which do you know least about? How can you learn about all four and use each appropriately?
1. Some people say that anger is instinctive and that neither the onsets nor the consequences are within our control. Like a Temper Tantrum. “You make me so angry…” is the language of this perspective.
2. Others believe that anger is an instinctive response to perceived threat, but we are in control of what we do and say. While we cannot, sometimes, help becoming angry, we can do something about it once we are.
3. A third perspective is that our anger is a choice we make. We can choose whether we are going to become (or remain) angry, and we may therefore, choose not to experience the consequences of anger.
This perspective is difficult and mature. I don’t know anyone as mature as this, do you?
I have made some progress, and also, I am older now, and have less multiplicity of triggers now.
How to get out of THE TEMPER TRAP LDS - Let’s Do Something! It is possible
(The temper trap is not easy for some of us to escape)
Do the IQ test and see where you might be according to that
Keep an “Anger Log” for 2 weeks
What opportunities do you have to get angry?
How often do you get angry?
What kind of anger is it: Anger inwards/outwards?
How often do you get Irritated, Annoyed, Angry..
What happened as a result of your anger: to you, to other/s?
Give yourself to much introspection
Discuss the problem with your spouse or one you can talk to
Professional counselling might also be needed – get it (if it is
not effective, find another counsellor)
Can anger be a choice?
Interesting thought - worth cultivating the capacity to choose not to use anger distructively?
You and I will be working on this for a very long time...
See also BETTER PARENTING - BE PREPARED on my links at the left - entry on "Anger"
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
The Turmoil Trap
Number 7 of this series of 12 Traps:
Dear Friends
How’s your life at the moment – Tranquil or Turmoil? Hopefully there is some, not too much, of each… That’s within the range of “Normal” and “Healthy”.
Pause with me and consider Dr Barlow’s thoughts on
The Turmoil Trap
The inability of a married couple to deal constructively with marital conflict.
Turmoil: A state of extreme confusion, agitation, or commotion; turbulence or disorder.
How does one deal with “what should be” (no marital conflict) compared to “what is” (conflict of varying degrees and frequency)?
Perhaps what we need in marriage is idealism tempered with realism.
Here are two myths in Dr Barlow’s opinion:
“Marriages will be free of conflict” and “The presence of conflict indicates a bad marriage.”
There may be marriages with little or no conflict, though many marriages that appear to be free of conflict may be actually far from it. There may be little contact between the two spouses and so little on which to differ.
In another type of marriage a husband and wife may have worked out a dominant/submissive relationship, in other words, one is master, the other is slave. Obviously a slave rarely disagrees with a master… this may be good for master/slave relationship, it is not good for husband/wife relationships!
Some older couples who “have never had a cross word between them” are probably forgetful!
Some couples avoid public displays of conflict and so their children and others believe they never had arguments.
Perhaps, then, we should not be overwhelmed that conflicts do/will occur in marriage. The key is what we do with them when they arise.
Have you ever done any of these listed below?
Rather… when last did either/both of you do this?!
HORIBILIZING:
We make more out of the differences than we should: we make a difficult or bad situation worse by irrational and/or uncontrolled thought.
PINCHING:
When last did you "pinch" you spouse? Did you hurt them? Probably a major crisis in your relationship will be the result of a series of small irritations (pinches) that are not dealt with by you, or both, when they arise.
Here are some examples of what might feel like PINCHES (clashes of wishes) to some spouses - perhaps yours:
You talk to me while I am on the phone
You leave a mess after you
You make light of a problem I tell you about
You come home and yell at our children when you are tired
You tease/mock/humiliate me in front of others
You question my judgement in front of our children
If and When you are calm with each other, and If and When you can:
Ask and discuss what feel like pinches from YOU to YOUR SPOUSE...
Tell and discuss what feel like YOUR pinches from YOUR SPOUSE.
Take turns talking and listening.
Take a “Time Out” whenever one of you needs it during your discussions.
How to get out of the TURMOIL TRAP:
LDS – Let’s DO Something!
List all the differences you have with each other that you can think of right now – add to the list when you remember others.
Divide the differences into two categories:
Essential:
Those differences that could break up your marriage
Non-essential:
Differences that should not affect the stability of you marriage
“In Essentials, let there be unity; in Non Essentials, liberty; and in all things, charity”
BH Roberts
Consider this sequence:
Differences > Disagreements > Conflict > Anger
(The next trap we discuss will be Anger – watch the for the next post for more on this one)
Decide where you are along this sequence with each of your spousal differences
Discuss and decide on one of the following for each difference, as far as possible now – Remember to “Time Out” when one or both of you need it…
COEXIST:
Accommodate each other in ways where you differ - agree to disagree, agreeably.
Practice patience and tolerance and courtesy.
CAPITULATE:
Acquiesce.
Give in.
As you discuss the issue, think about how much out of 10 you want what
you want.
If one wants it 8 out of 10 and the other 4 out of 10 capitulation works well.
Take turns at Just Giving In.
Say “Yes” rather than “Yes… but…” as often as you can. It is refreshing for both!
COMPROMISE:
Negotiate. Both of you yield or give in a little until you find a comfortable enough middle ground.
COLLABORATE (Win/Win):
Work, plan and persist with each other respectfully until you both derive your
major goals – probably in creative ways you haven’t thought about yet.
That usually means that you both need to find new ways to give and receive.
This may take a while!
PRACTICE MAKES IT EASIER.
Learn the skills of each “C” style above and many marital conflicts can be resolved or significantly modified.
Differences, most of them, do not have to be resolved NOW and only ONE WAY!.
Here’s an example of each style: Husband wants a R500 camera, Wife wants a R500 clock.
Coexist:
Do nothing about either desire, for now, or for ever, agreeably.
Capitulate:
Either the camera or the clock is bought.
Compromise:
He gets a less expensive camera, she gets a less expensive clock
Collaborate:
Perhaps they sell something so that they can get both at the same time.
Perhaps they find a way to earn or raise the extra money so that both can be bought.
These "C" are wonderful skills to have –
they are worth regularly developing and refining a further degree of each “C” to be able to use the appropriate and problem solving one most useful to enrich your marriage.
Enjoy your days.
Dear Friends
How’s your life at the moment – Tranquil or Turmoil? Hopefully there is some, not too much, of each… That’s within the range of “Normal” and “Healthy”.
Pause with me and consider Dr Barlow’s thoughts on
The Turmoil Trap
The inability of a married couple to deal constructively with marital conflict.
Turmoil: A state of extreme confusion, agitation, or commotion; turbulence or disorder.
How does one deal with “what should be” (no marital conflict) compared to “what is” (conflict of varying degrees and frequency)?
Perhaps what we need in marriage is idealism tempered with realism.
Here are two myths in Dr Barlow’s opinion:
“Marriages will be free of conflict” and “The presence of conflict indicates a bad marriage.”
There may be marriages with little or no conflict, though many marriages that appear to be free of conflict may be actually far from it. There may be little contact between the two spouses and so little on which to differ.
In another type of marriage a husband and wife may have worked out a dominant/submissive relationship, in other words, one is master, the other is slave. Obviously a slave rarely disagrees with a master… this may be good for master/slave relationship, it is not good for husband/wife relationships!
Some older couples who “have never had a cross word between them” are probably forgetful!
Some couples avoid public displays of conflict and so their children and others believe they never had arguments.
Perhaps, then, we should not be overwhelmed that conflicts do/will occur in marriage. The key is what we do with them when they arise.
Have you ever done any of these listed below?
Rather… when last did either/both of you do this?!
HORIBILIZING:
We make more out of the differences than we should: we make a difficult or bad situation worse by irrational and/or uncontrolled thought.
PINCHING:
When last did you "pinch" you spouse? Did you hurt them? Probably a major crisis in your relationship will be the result of a series of small irritations (pinches) that are not dealt with by you, or both, when they arise.
Here are some examples of what might feel like PINCHES (clashes of wishes) to some spouses - perhaps yours:
You talk to me while I am on the phone
You leave a mess after you
You make light of a problem I tell you about
You come home and yell at our children when you are tired
You tease/mock/humiliate me in front of others
You question my judgement in front of our children
If and When you are calm with each other, and If and When you can:
Ask and discuss what feel like pinches from YOU to YOUR SPOUSE...
Tell and discuss what feel like YOUR pinches from YOUR SPOUSE.
Take turns talking and listening.
Take a “Time Out” whenever one of you needs it during your discussions.
How to get out of the TURMOIL TRAP:
LDS – Let’s DO Something!
List all the differences you have with each other that you can think of right now – add to the list when you remember others.
Divide the differences into two categories:
Essential:
Those differences that could break up your marriage
Non-essential:
Differences that should not affect the stability of you marriage
“In Essentials, let there be unity; in Non Essentials, liberty; and in all things, charity”
BH Roberts
Consider this sequence:
Differences > Disagreements > Conflict > Anger
(The next trap we discuss will be Anger – watch the for the next post for more on this one)
Decide where you are along this sequence with each of your spousal differences
Discuss and decide on one of the following for each difference, as far as possible now – Remember to “Time Out” when one or both of you need it…
COEXIST:
Accommodate each other in ways where you differ - agree to disagree, agreeably.
Practice patience and tolerance and courtesy.
CAPITULATE:
Acquiesce.
Give in.
As you discuss the issue, think about how much out of 10 you want what
you want.
If one wants it 8 out of 10 and the other 4 out of 10 capitulation works well.
Take turns at Just Giving In.
Say “Yes” rather than “Yes… but…” as often as you can. It is refreshing for both!
COMPROMISE:
Negotiate. Both of you yield or give in a little until you find a comfortable enough middle ground.
COLLABORATE (Win/Win):
Work, plan and persist with each other respectfully until you both derive your
major goals – probably in creative ways you haven’t thought about yet.
That usually means that you both need to find new ways to give and receive.
This may take a while!
PRACTICE MAKES IT EASIER.
Learn the skills of each “C” style above and many marital conflicts can be resolved or significantly modified.
Differences, most of them, do not have to be resolved NOW and only ONE WAY!.
Here’s an example of each style: Husband wants a R500 camera, Wife wants a R500 clock.
Coexist:
Do nothing about either desire, for now, or for ever, agreeably.
Capitulate:
Either the camera or the clock is bought.
Compromise:
He gets a less expensive camera, she gets a less expensive clock
Collaborate:
Perhaps they sell something so that they can get both at the same time.
Perhaps they find a way to earn or raise the extra money so that both can be bought.
These "C" are wonderful skills to have –
they are worth regularly developing and refining a further degree of each “C” to be able to use the appropriate and problem solving one most useful to enrich your marriage.
Enjoy your days.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
The Tyranny Trap
Number 6 of this series of 12 Traps:
Dear Friend
Here’s a trap thatwe sometimes fall into…Explore again with Dr Brent A Barrow (“Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to avoid them”) and me:
The Tyranny Trap
The TYRANNY TRAP:
The tendency of one marriage partner to exercise too much power or control in decision making.
Tyranny: Arbitrary or unrestrained exercise of power; despotic abuse of authority
Question: Should the man be the head of the house?
In what way should the man be/not be the head of the house?
Here are some types of “heads”:
The King;
Benevolent Dictator;
Impasse Arbitrator;
Mayor/Political Boss;
Chairman of the Board;
Limited Partnership;
Guide/Scout;
The Bishop/Pastor;
The Servant of All.
If you look up some of these words in a dictionary you’ll probably have an interesting additional exercise.
Question:
Which of these styles would result in "mirages" and "assumptions" and "stereotypes"?
For whom? In what way? When?
Which of these styles will be "good" and "true" and "useful" and "genuinely problem solving"?
For whom? In what way? When?
You are more likely to be in the Tyranny Trap
1. If there is an imbalance in your decision making
2. If you are more concerned with "who decides" than "what is decided"
How to get out of the Tyranny Trap: LDS - Let"s Do Something!
Question:
Who currently makes most of which decisions in your household?
Use this 1 - 5 scale in answering the QUESTIONAIRE:
1. Husband only decides
2. Husband decides after consulting with wife
3. Both decide together
4. Wife decides after consulting with husband
5. Wife only decides
Do the following QUESTIONAIRE individually.
Discuss together periodically if/when you can:
The QUESTIONAIRE:
Who currently decides? Who should? Why?
Where couple live
What job husband takes
How many hours husband works
What occupation wife will do
How much time to spend together as a couple
How many children in the family
When to have children
How and when to discipline children
How much time to spend with children
How much time to spend with family/friends
When to have sexual relations
How to spend which money
When to make what major financial purchases
How much money to give to church and charity
How much time to spend in church activities
How much time to spend in community activities
How much time to spend in which personal pursuits
Where and when to go on holiday/vacation
Other…
Were most of your answers in the 1 (Husband only decides) or the 5 (Wife only decides) category?
You may be in the Tyranny Trap. You may be in the “no alternative” place because you don't know any better or because you or your spouse refuses actively or passively to share in the decision making!
What would you like to happen?
What NEEDS to happen in your marriage?
How can any change needed be begun, carried on, accelerated?
Who needs to do what?
What help might one of you need from the other?
Can you/will you ask for the help you need?
Who will you ask for the help you need?
Were most of your answers in the 3 (Both decide together) category?
Are you in the previously reviewed Togetherness Trap?
SLOW isn’t it?
This category is good for decisions affecting you both very much.
Have you relegated as many of your decisions as possible to the 1, 2, 4, and 5 categories? (cautious with 1 and 5 though!)
“By so doing, you may be adding some oil to what otherwise might be a rusty marital relationship.” Says Dr Barlow.
How ARE we really doing?
What changes do we NEED to make?
In WHO'S opinion?
WHY?
Another help in “checking and balancing” is the CONTEMPLATED way of making decisions:
Is what I/we are deciding to do:
1. In harmony with the TEN COMMANDMENTS test – the Law?
2. In harmony with the GOLDEN RULE test – do unto others as you would have them do unto you?
3. In harmony with the JESUS’ NEW COMMANDMENT test – love one another as I have loved you?
4. In harmony with the CONSEQUENCES test – is it hurtful/helpful to me and others?
5. In harmony with the PUBLICITY test – would I be ashamed if others knew about the way I decided?
6. In harmony with the RESPECTED PEOPLE test – Would one I respect sustain me in this thing?
7. In harmony with the UNIVERSALITY test – would the world be better/worse if everyone did as I do?
8. In harmony with the PROJECTED RETROSPECT test – Will I be pleased later with my decision now?
9. In harmony with the JESUS’ EXAMPLE test – Is this the way Jesus would do it if he were me now?
10. In harmony with the SELF-LOVE test – If I do this will I be caring for myself as well as the other/s?
11. In harmony with the CONSCIENCE test – Will I feel regret or gratitude later?
“The next time you or your spouse confront a major decision, why not apply these eleven tests to your options? It may help you in getting out of the tyranny trap and result in excellent decisions.” Dr Barlow
Dear Friend
Here’s a trap thatwe sometimes fall into…Explore again with Dr Brent A Barrow (“Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to avoid them”) and me:
The Tyranny Trap
The TYRANNY TRAP:
The tendency of one marriage partner to exercise too much power or control in decision making.
Tyranny: Arbitrary or unrestrained exercise of power; despotic abuse of authority
Question: Should the man be the head of the house?
In what way should the man be/not be the head of the house?
Here are some types of “heads”:
The King;
Benevolent Dictator;
Impasse Arbitrator;
Mayor/Political Boss;
Chairman of the Board;
Limited Partnership;
Guide/Scout;
The Bishop/Pastor;
The Servant of All.
If you look up some of these words in a dictionary you’ll probably have an interesting additional exercise.
Question:
Which of these styles would result in "mirages" and "assumptions" and "stereotypes"?
For whom? In what way? When?
Which of these styles will be "good" and "true" and "useful" and "genuinely problem solving"?
For whom? In what way? When?
You are more likely to be in the Tyranny Trap
1. If there is an imbalance in your decision making
2. If you are more concerned with "who decides" than "what is decided"
How to get out of the Tyranny Trap: LDS - Let"s Do Something!
Question:
Who currently makes most of which decisions in your household?
Use this 1 - 5 scale in answering the QUESTIONAIRE:
1. Husband only decides
2. Husband decides after consulting with wife
3. Both decide together
4. Wife decides after consulting with husband
5. Wife only decides
Do the following QUESTIONAIRE individually.
Discuss together periodically if/when you can:
The QUESTIONAIRE:
Who currently decides? Who should? Why?
Where couple live
What job husband takes
How many hours husband works
What occupation wife will do
How much time to spend together as a couple
How many children in the family
When to have children
How and when to discipline children
How much time to spend with children
How much time to spend with family/friends
When to have sexual relations
How to spend which money
When to make what major financial purchases
How much money to give to church and charity
How much time to spend in church activities
How much time to spend in community activities
How much time to spend in which personal pursuits
Where and when to go on holiday/vacation
Other…
Were most of your answers in the 1 (Husband only decides) or the 5 (Wife only decides) category?
You may be in the Tyranny Trap. You may be in the “no alternative” place because you don't know any better or because you or your spouse refuses actively or passively to share in the decision making!
What would you like to happen?
What NEEDS to happen in your marriage?
How can any change needed be begun, carried on, accelerated?
Who needs to do what?
What help might one of you need from the other?
Can you/will you ask for the help you need?
Who will you ask for the help you need?
Were most of your answers in the 3 (Both decide together) category?
Are you in the previously reviewed Togetherness Trap?
SLOW isn’t it?
This category is good for decisions affecting you both very much.
Have you relegated as many of your decisions as possible to the 1, 2, 4, and 5 categories? (cautious with 1 and 5 though!)
“By so doing, you may be adding some oil to what otherwise might be a rusty marital relationship.” Says Dr Barlow.
How ARE we really doing?
What changes do we NEED to make?
In WHO'S opinion?
WHY?
Another help in “checking and balancing” is the CONTEMPLATED way of making decisions:
Is what I/we are deciding to do:
1. In harmony with the TEN COMMANDMENTS test – the Law?
2. In harmony with the GOLDEN RULE test – do unto others as you would have them do unto you?
3. In harmony with the JESUS’ NEW COMMANDMENT test – love one another as I have loved you?
4. In harmony with the CONSEQUENCES test – is it hurtful/helpful to me and others?
5. In harmony with the PUBLICITY test – would I be ashamed if others knew about the way I decided?
6. In harmony with the RESPECTED PEOPLE test – Would one I respect sustain me in this thing?
7. In harmony with the UNIVERSALITY test – would the world be better/worse if everyone did as I do?
8. In harmony with the PROJECTED RETROSPECT test – Will I be pleased later with my decision now?
9. In harmony with the JESUS’ EXAMPLE test – Is this the way Jesus would do it if he were me now?
10. In harmony with the SELF-LOVE test – If I do this will I be caring for myself as well as the other/s?
11. In harmony with the CONSCIENCE test – Will I feel regret or gratitude later?
“The next time you or your spouse confront a major decision, why not apply these eleven tests to your options? It may help you in getting out of the tyranny trap and result in excellent decisions.” Dr Barlow
Monday, July 28, 2008
The Talk Trap
Number 5 of this series of 12 Traps:
Dear Friend
How’s this for a TRAP - Dr Brent A Barlow invites us to consider:
The Talk Trap
The TALK TRAP:
The inability or unwillingness to do much more than exchange information with a marriage partner on a routine, day-to-day basis.
Talk: To communicate or exchange ideas or information by speaking: to consult or confer.
Are you and/or I living in a state of “Irish Divorce”? Dr Barlow quotes John Connolly describing it: “…miserable though married. They don’t talk much to each other, and they seldom go anywhere together. Publicly, few may know of the (real) condition of their marriage. There is a no legal separation, but psychologically and emotionally they leave each other.” Food for deep thought for all of us.
“Isn’t it interesting that, in general, men prefer to talk about things outside of themselves, whereas most women would rather discuss topics of a personal nature?” says Casey Peterson. Therefore: “I tended to be direct and practical and Debbie (his wife) wanted a sympathetic listener. I wanted to fix all her problems and often said “Here’s what ya do.”… In short, I was an advice-giver, not a listener.
"What we’ve both learned is to state our needs – if I want support (just listening), I ask for it. If I want advice (more than just listening), I ask for that.”
Husbands and wives may talk and listen for different reasons. What are yours do you think?
Talking usually takes place on one of four levels: Which is/are your favourite/s?
(1) Things (2) People (3) Ideas (4) Feelings
How can you and I increase our competence and use all four? When is it appropriate to use which level?
Here are two important Communication Skills:
CARING: “If caring is the key to effective communication, and I suggest it is, then we would improve our communication skills by becoming more caring people.” – Dr Barlow (See the previous Out of the Blue!)
LISTENING: “Many of us believe we are good listeners just because we keep quiet when someone is speaking… Paying attention to our spouse when he/she is talking is not only a courtesy, but it is also an important key to sharing and understanding…” - Dr Brent A Barlow
“Listening, like reading, is primarily an activity of the mind, not of the ear or the eye. When the mind is not actively involved in the process, it should be called hearing, not listening.” - Dr Mortimer Adler
A major mistake most people make in listening is in regarding it as a passive reception rather than as active participation. “The catcher behind the plate is just as active a baseball player as the pitcher on the mound. Receiving the ball… requires as much skill, though it is a skill of a different kind. Without the complementary efforts of both players, properly attuned to each other, the play cannot be completed.
“Of course, the fault may not always lie with the listener. The failure to catch a wild pitch is not the catchers fault.” - Dr Adler
Getting out of the TALK TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something! Start today.
Here are some deep level communication sentences
to complete and discuss: this will give you a “kick start”
1. I feel closest to you spiritually when…
2. I feel most inspired…
3. Religion to me is…
4. Spirituality to me is…
5. The most spiritual thing that has ever happened to me is…
6. The time I feel most hopeful is…
7. The things that are most worth living for now are…
Here’s an exercise: One of you is A, the other B:
A: take a stand, or give an opinion on a
particular topic or issue.
State two or three reasons for your
point of view.
B: listen (look at A – face and body language,
listen to the words used and also the
tone of voice).
Restate A’s position as best you can.
Restate reasons for his/her point of view.
Agree or disagree.
Give two or three reasons why.
A: listen attentively (look well and listen well).
Restate B’s position as best you can.
Restate B’s reasons for his/her point of view.
Agree or disagree.
Give two or three reasons why.
Carry on the pattern and see what happens.
No doubt you’ll learn something about yourself and also about your spouse.
If you simply can’t be peaceful about having different opinions, take a “Time Out” and/or say something like “We sure do disagree/feel very strongly on this don’t we? I can and will disagree agreeably. I respect your point of view – I respect my own too. I’ll think about this over the next few days. Thank you for sharing your ideas/feelings with me. I love you.”
"Till next time...
Dear Friend
How’s this for a TRAP - Dr Brent A Barlow invites us to consider:
The Talk Trap
The TALK TRAP:
The inability or unwillingness to do much more than exchange information with a marriage partner on a routine, day-to-day basis.
Talk: To communicate or exchange ideas or information by speaking: to consult or confer.
Are you and/or I living in a state of “Irish Divorce”? Dr Barlow quotes John Connolly describing it: “…miserable though married. They don’t talk much to each other, and they seldom go anywhere together. Publicly, few may know of the (real) condition of their marriage. There is a no legal separation, but psychologically and emotionally they leave each other.” Food for deep thought for all of us.
“Isn’t it interesting that, in general, men prefer to talk about things outside of themselves, whereas most women would rather discuss topics of a personal nature?” says Casey Peterson. Therefore: “I tended to be direct and practical and Debbie (his wife) wanted a sympathetic listener. I wanted to fix all her problems and often said “Here’s what ya do.”… In short, I was an advice-giver, not a listener.
"What we’ve both learned is to state our needs – if I want support (just listening), I ask for it. If I want advice (more than just listening), I ask for that.”
Husbands and wives may talk and listen for different reasons. What are yours do you think?
Talking usually takes place on one of four levels: Which is/are your favourite/s?
(1) Things (2) People (3) Ideas (4) Feelings
How can you and I increase our competence and use all four? When is it appropriate to use which level?
Here are two important Communication Skills:
CARING: “If caring is the key to effective communication, and I suggest it is, then we would improve our communication skills by becoming more caring people.” – Dr Barlow (See the previous Out of the Blue!)
LISTENING: “Many of us believe we are good listeners just because we keep quiet when someone is speaking… Paying attention to our spouse when he/she is talking is not only a courtesy, but it is also an important key to sharing and understanding…” - Dr Brent A Barlow
“Listening, like reading, is primarily an activity of the mind, not of the ear or the eye. When the mind is not actively involved in the process, it should be called hearing, not listening.” - Dr Mortimer Adler
A major mistake most people make in listening is in regarding it as a passive reception rather than as active participation. “The catcher behind the plate is just as active a baseball player as the pitcher on the mound. Receiving the ball… requires as much skill, though it is a skill of a different kind. Without the complementary efforts of both players, properly attuned to each other, the play cannot be completed.
“Of course, the fault may not always lie with the listener. The failure to catch a wild pitch is not the catchers fault.” - Dr Adler
Getting out of the TALK TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something! Start today.
Here are some deep level communication sentences
to complete and discuss: this will give you a “kick start”
1. I feel closest to you spiritually when…
2. I feel most inspired…
3. Religion to me is…
4. Spirituality to me is…
5. The most spiritual thing that has ever happened to me is…
6. The time I feel most hopeful is…
7. The things that are most worth living for now are…
Here’s an exercise: One of you is A, the other B:
A: take a stand, or give an opinion on a
particular topic or issue.
State two or three reasons for your
point of view.
B: listen (look at A – face and body language,
listen to the words used and also the
tone of voice).
Restate A’s position as best you can.
Restate reasons for his/her point of view.
Agree or disagree.
Give two or three reasons why.
A: listen attentively (look well and listen well).
Restate B’s position as best you can.
Restate B’s reasons for his/her point of view.
Agree or disagree.
Give two or three reasons why.
Carry on the pattern and see what happens.
No doubt you’ll learn something about yourself and also about your spouse.
If you simply can’t be peaceful about having different opinions, take a “Time Out” and/or say something like “We sure do disagree/feel very strongly on this don’t we? I can and will disagree agreeably. I respect your point of view – I respect my own too. I’ll think about this over the next few days. Thank you for sharing your ideas/feelings with me. I love you.”
"Till next time...
Friday, July 25, 2008
The Tenderness Trap
Number 4 of this series of 12 Traps:
Dear Friend
Here I am again with the next trap Dr Brent A Barlow invites us to consider:
The Tenderness Trap
The TENDERNESS TRAP:
The inability or unwillingness of a married couple to be kind, loving, caring, or tender with each other.
Tenderness: The quality of being easily moved to sympathy or compassion; kindness; affection or love.
“Many husbands, I believe, are caught in the tenderness trap because they mistakenly come to believe that being tender is not manly.” says Dr Barlow.
“A great many… males,… (have) the mistaken notion that women respond to toughness, abrasiveness, and even cruelty... Many men do not realize today that women deem tenderness, love, and caring as a strength, not a weakness. In essence, it is masculine to be tender, and there are few things more effective that a husband can do to draw his wife near to him than kindness and care for her and their children.” He continues.
Some women think “he’ll get a big head/ get dominating if I am tender to him”
For those of us who strive to abide by the Bible – consider John 13:34, 35: as disciples of Jesus Christ, we are to become known as a loving people. 1 John 3:18: “let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed” Dictionary definition of “deed” – thing consciously done, especially one noted for its motive…
“Caring for each other – and for ourselves – is essential to the good life” George Bach wrote in a book titled A Time for Caring. “Many have learned to be superficially caring in the outside world because others will respond… Then, when we return home, we fail to demonstrate what (little!) caring skills we do have to those we live with and are around the most – our spouses and our children.”
“We have found… that unless husbands and wives are basically caring people, all these tools (communication, decision making, conflict resolution), or skills if you will, are useless” Dr Barlow again.
If either of you are not being tender with each other by choice or by chance: remember that you are not only missing out on the best of love and marriage, but you are sowing the seeds of marital destruction.
Getting out of the TENDERNESS TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something! – Do something every, every day
1. Say: “I love you”
2. Share: personal matters, concerns, interests
3. Support: emotional and moral sustaining
4. Spend: (costly to costless ) – gifts
5. Show: physical: touching, hugging and kissing - non-sexual as well as sexual
6. Show: emotional: tolerance, patience
7. Show: actions of kindness (with no expectations!)
Be specific – what exactly?
Be understandable – what clearly?
Be measurable – how will I know it is done/I have done it?
Be future oriented – who/how do I want to become?
Be “small” – choose something that is not exhaustive to me
(It’s better to do more in time than to do less)
Instructions for the following lists of at least 12 items:
Make a list of “loving deeds” I would love from my spouse:
I give the list to my spouse so he/she will know what
I consider “loving deeds” at this time of our lives –
I will EXPECT nothing from this list to be done,
I will HOPE that at some time in my life, somehow, all of
the“loving deeds” will be done by someone, if not my spouse
Make a list of “loving deeds” I want to do for my spouse:
(I will do one per day and monitor my own progress regularly)
How many “loving deeds” was I able to accomplish?
Were my “loving deeds” received and understood as such?
What modifications might I need to make to my list?
Which “loving deeds” do I want to keep on my TO DO list?
What new “loving deeds” would I like to add?
What “loving deeds” would I like to do in the next two weeks?
(If my spounse can't receive all the loving deeds I have to give yet...
well, spread them around for now - there are so many needy people
in the world - just be sure you give your loving gifts safely for
you and also for the recipients)
Discuss the “loving deeds” exercise together if you can
If you can’t discuss the exercise, do the “deeds” anyway!
This is a start – Be Ongoing - forever
TLC rather than RT = Tender Loving Care rather than Rough Treatment
It’s Tough To Be Tender – Let’s be tough enough to be tender! And its Tough To Be Tender if you are tender… Let’s be tender anyway – that’s the better way, most of the time, to be whole and wholesome.
Who Cares? - ME! ME! Let it be me, let it be me.
Strength to you as you join me and many others in deliberate efforts to be more loving and tender in our marriages.
Dear Friend
Here I am again with the next trap Dr Brent A Barlow invites us to consider:
The Tenderness Trap
The TENDERNESS TRAP:
The inability or unwillingness of a married couple to be kind, loving, caring, or tender with each other.
Tenderness: The quality of being easily moved to sympathy or compassion; kindness; affection or love.
“Many husbands, I believe, are caught in the tenderness trap because they mistakenly come to believe that being tender is not manly.” says Dr Barlow.
“A great many… males,… (have) the mistaken notion that women respond to toughness, abrasiveness, and even cruelty... Many men do not realize today that women deem tenderness, love, and caring as a strength, not a weakness. In essence, it is masculine to be tender, and there are few things more effective that a husband can do to draw his wife near to him than kindness and care for her and their children.” He continues.
Some women think “he’ll get a big head/ get dominating if I am tender to him”
For those of us who strive to abide by the Bible – consider John 13:34, 35: as disciples of Jesus Christ, we are to become known as a loving people. 1 John 3:18: “let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed” Dictionary definition of “deed” – thing consciously done, especially one noted for its motive…
“Caring for each other – and for ourselves – is essential to the good life” George Bach wrote in a book titled A Time for Caring. “Many have learned to be superficially caring in the outside world because others will respond… Then, when we return home, we fail to demonstrate what (little!) caring skills we do have to those we live with and are around the most – our spouses and our children.”
“We have found… that unless husbands and wives are basically caring people, all these tools (communication, decision making, conflict resolution), or skills if you will, are useless” Dr Barlow again.
If either of you are not being tender with each other by choice or by chance: remember that you are not only missing out on the best of love and marriage, but you are sowing the seeds of marital destruction.
Getting out of the TENDERNESS TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something! – Do something every, every day
1. Say: “I love you”
2. Share: personal matters, concerns, interests
3. Support: emotional and moral sustaining
4. Spend: (costly to costless ) – gifts
5. Show: physical: touching, hugging and kissing - non-sexual as well as sexual
6. Show: emotional: tolerance, patience
7. Show: actions of kindness (with no expectations!)
Be specific – what exactly?
Be understandable – what clearly?
Be measurable – how will I know it is done/I have done it?
Be future oriented – who/how do I want to become?
Be “small” – choose something that is not exhaustive to me
(It’s better to do more in time than to do less)
Instructions for the following lists of at least 12 items:
Make a list of “loving deeds” I would love from my spouse:
I give the list to my spouse so he/she will know what
I consider “loving deeds” at this time of our lives –
I will EXPECT nothing from this list to be done,
I will HOPE that at some time in my life, somehow, all of
the“loving deeds” will be done by someone, if not my spouse
Make a list of “loving deeds” I want to do for my spouse:
(I will do one per day and monitor my own progress regularly)
How many “loving deeds” was I able to accomplish?
Were my “loving deeds” received and understood as such?
What modifications might I need to make to my list?
Which “loving deeds” do I want to keep on my TO DO list?
What new “loving deeds” would I like to add?
What “loving deeds” would I like to do in the next two weeks?
(If my spounse can't receive all the loving deeds I have to give yet...
well, spread them around for now - there are so many needy people
in the world - just be sure you give your loving gifts safely for
you and also for the recipients)
Discuss the “loving deeds” exercise together if you can
If you can’t discuss the exercise, do the “deeds” anyway!
This is a start – Be Ongoing - forever
TLC rather than RT = Tender Loving Care rather than Rough Treatment
It’s Tough To Be Tender – Let’s be tough enough to be tender! And its Tough To Be Tender if you are tender… Let’s be tender anyway – that’s the better way, most of the time, to be whole and wholesome.
Who Cares? - ME! ME! Let it be me, let it be me.
Strength to you as you join me and many others in deliberate efforts to be more loving and tender in our marriages.
Monday, July 21, 2008
The Togetherness Trap
Number 3 of this series of 12 Traps:
Dear Friend
Pause with me and now consider the next trap mentioned by Brent A Barlow:
The Togetherness Trap
The TOGETHERNESS TRAP:
Having either too little or too much identity and bonding as a married couple.
Togetherness: The quality, state, or condition of being together or in a union, proximity, or contact; warm fellowship, as among members of a family.
The trap we sometimes get into is believing that when we are in our spouses presence, we are “together”. …we can sometimes be physically present and psychologically absent.
Some of us are companions by definition and identity only. We live, eat and work in close proximity, yet we are not very close… we have had a wedding but not yet experienced a marriage… we spent time together though emotionally and psychologically we are as distant as if we lived hundreds of miles apart.
On the other hand - there is the other equally devastating side of this trap: we can become too close, too bound together in our marriage.
“A young man got me out of bed one night. He wanted to talk and I agreed to listen. The new groom was upset because his wife of seven months was going home to visit her parents for two weeks… The longer he talked, the more I knew why. They were too close and their lives too meshed – a common problem for newlyweds.” - Dr Brent A Barlow
There is a season and a time for every purpose: “a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.”
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
M Scott Peck writes: “The genuine lover always perceives the beloved as someone who has a totally separate identity…Genuine love not only respects the individuality of the other, but actually seeks to cultivate it.” “The Road Less Traveled” pp 161, 166, 168.
Getting out of the TOGETHERNESS TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something!
How do each of us answer these statements?
Talk together afterwards about it.
In what ways is our marriage perceived the same way by each of us? In what ways differently?
How would I like our marriage to be in five year’s time? Do you agree? Why? Why not?
What can I do today/this week/year to get there?
Togetherness might be redefined as the emotional bonding marriage partners have towards each other.
Let the journey continue towards mutual respect and healthy togetherness.
Our marriage now…
1. I can, and sometimes do, ask you for help when I need it
2. When problems arise, I can, and sometimes do, compromise
3. I approve of your friends
4. I am flexible in how I handle our differences
5. I like to do things with you
6. I can, and sometimes do, take turns acting as leader in our marriage
7. I feel closer to you than to others outside the marriage
8. I can, and sometimes do, change my way of handling tasks
9. I like to spend free time with you
10. I can, and sometimes do, try new ways of dealing with problems
11. I feel very close to you
12. I can, and sometimes do, jointly make decisions with you
13. We share some hobbies/interests
14. Rules change and evolve in our marriage
15. We can, and sometimes do, easily think of things to do together
16. We can, and sometimes do, shift household responsibilities
17. I can, and sometimes do, consult you on my decisions
18. I find it hard to identify the leader in our marriage
19. Togetherness is a top priority for me
20. It is hard to tell who does which household chores in our home
How I would like our marriage to be in five year’s time…
What three things do I appreciate that you do in our marriage?
What three things would you like me to do differently in our marriage?
(I might agree to choose one or more and work on it…)
What do I freely and of my own choosing want to do differently
that might make a difference in the right direction (in my opinion)
in our marriage? (If it doesn’t work… I’ll rethink the matter!)
What constructive changes can I make? Do I want to? When?
Have fun. If at first you don’t succeed in reaching the togetherness balance for you both…
try, try, try again. Perseverance towards a worthy goal pays.
Dear Friend
Pause with me and now consider the next trap mentioned by Brent A Barlow:
The Togetherness Trap
The TOGETHERNESS TRAP:
Having either too little or too much identity and bonding as a married couple.
Togetherness: The quality, state, or condition of being together or in a union, proximity, or contact; warm fellowship, as among members of a family.
The trap we sometimes get into is believing that when we are in our spouses presence, we are “together”. …we can sometimes be physically present and psychologically absent.
Some of us are companions by definition and identity only. We live, eat and work in close proximity, yet we are not very close… we have had a wedding but not yet experienced a marriage… we spent time together though emotionally and psychologically we are as distant as if we lived hundreds of miles apart.
On the other hand - there is the other equally devastating side of this trap: we can become too close, too bound together in our marriage.
“A young man got me out of bed one night. He wanted to talk and I agreed to listen. The new groom was upset because his wife of seven months was going home to visit her parents for two weeks… The longer he talked, the more I knew why. They were too close and their lives too meshed – a common problem for newlyweds.” - Dr Brent A Barlow
There is a season and a time for every purpose: “a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.”
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
M Scott Peck writes: “The genuine lover always perceives the beloved as someone who has a totally separate identity…Genuine love not only respects the individuality of the other, but actually seeks to cultivate it.” “The Road Less Traveled” pp 161, 166, 168.
Getting out of the TOGETHERNESS TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something!
How do each of us answer these statements?
Talk together afterwards about it.
In what ways is our marriage perceived the same way by each of us? In what ways differently?
How would I like our marriage to be in five year’s time? Do you agree? Why? Why not?
What can I do today/this week/year to get there?
Togetherness might be redefined as the emotional bonding marriage partners have towards each other.
Let the journey continue towards mutual respect and healthy togetherness.
Our marriage now…
1. I can, and sometimes do, ask you for help when I need it
2. When problems arise, I can, and sometimes do, compromise
3. I approve of your friends
4. I am flexible in how I handle our differences
5. I like to do things with you
6. I can, and sometimes do, take turns acting as leader in our marriage
7. I feel closer to you than to others outside the marriage
8. I can, and sometimes do, change my way of handling tasks
9. I like to spend free time with you
10. I can, and sometimes do, try new ways of dealing with problems
11. I feel very close to you
12. I can, and sometimes do, jointly make decisions with you
13. We share some hobbies/interests
14. Rules change and evolve in our marriage
15. We can, and sometimes do, easily think of things to do together
16. We can, and sometimes do, shift household responsibilities
17. I can, and sometimes do, consult you on my decisions
18. I find it hard to identify the leader in our marriage
19. Togetherness is a top priority for me
20. It is hard to tell who does which household chores in our home
How I would like our marriage to be in five year’s time…
What three things do I appreciate that you do in our marriage?
What three things would you like me to do differently in our marriage?
(I might agree to choose one or more and work on it…)
What do I freely and of my own choosing want to do differently
that might make a difference in the right direction (in my opinion)
in our marriage? (If it doesn’t work… I’ll rethink the matter!)
What constructive changes can I make? Do I want to? When?
Have fun. If at first you don’t succeed in reaching the togetherness balance for you both…
try, try, try again. Perseverance towards a worthy goal pays.
Monday, July 14, 2008
The Tradition Trap
Number 2 in this series of 12 Traps
Dear Friends:
Explore again with Brent A Barlow ("Twelve Traps in Today's Marriage and How to Get Out of Them") and me the second trap:
The TRADITION TRAP:
The insistence that marriage today must be exactly as it has been in the past. (Mine, yours and/or theirs)
Tradition: The handing down of statements, beliefs, legends, customs, and behaviour patterns from generation to generation, especially by word of mouth or by practice.
Who takes out the garbage at your house? Who do you think should? Why?
How "traditional" are you in your marriage?
When men expect their wives to be their mothers, or women expect their husbands to be their fathers, no one wins. "Tarzan and Jane" role expectations need to be examined by each spouse against current, individual, and couple, reality. If we don’t do this, and personally make necessary changes, we may continue to destroy each other in our marriage.
How can we learn to live with each other as genuine individuals? How can we collaborate and accomplish more flexible roles in our marriage? Perhaps some things should remain as they are, but other changes should be made and welcomed… eventually if not immediately. Some, perhaps many, "Tarzan and Jane" roles must give way if our marriage is going to survive at this present time!
How to get out of the TRADITION TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something!
Let ME do something! Even one little thing…
What are my beliefs about our marriage? Why?
What are my spouse’s beliefs about our marriage? Why?
What have I done/not done in our marriage so far? Why?
How can I THINK helpfully, differently, in the future?
What can I DO constructively, differently, in the future?
Often when people seek changes in a relationship, things get worse before they get better.
Persistence (correct vision, and correct application), and respect for both self and spouse,
despite any and all obstacles, from whatever quarter, pays.
Don’t expect immediate success. Give your impaired marriage adequate (plenty of) time for improvement. “Hoping isn’t coping.” “Show love by deeds.”
All together now – One, Two, Three: “Let the reformation begin with me!”
Dear Friends:
Explore again with Brent A Barlow ("Twelve Traps in Today's Marriage and How to Get Out of Them") and me the second trap:
The TRADITION TRAP:
The insistence that marriage today must be exactly as it has been in the past. (Mine, yours and/or theirs)
Tradition: The handing down of statements, beliefs, legends, customs, and behaviour patterns from generation to generation, especially by word of mouth or by practice.
Who takes out the garbage at your house? Who do you think should? Why?
How "traditional" are you in your marriage?
When men expect their wives to be their mothers, or women expect their husbands to be their fathers, no one wins. "Tarzan and Jane" role expectations need to be examined by each spouse against current, individual, and couple, reality. If we don’t do this, and personally make necessary changes, we may continue to destroy each other in our marriage.
How can we learn to live with each other as genuine individuals? How can we collaborate and accomplish more flexible roles in our marriage? Perhaps some things should remain as they are, but other changes should be made and welcomed… eventually if not immediately. Some, perhaps many, "Tarzan and Jane" roles must give way if our marriage is going to survive at this present time!
How to get out of the TRADITION TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something!
Let ME do something! Even one little thing…
What are my beliefs about our marriage? Why?
What are my spouse’s beliefs about our marriage? Why?
What have I done/not done in our marriage so far? Why?
How can I THINK helpfully, differently, in the future?
What can I DO constructively, differently, in the future?
Often when people seek changes in a relationship, things get worse before they get better.
Persistence (correct vision, and correct application), and respect for both self and spouse,
despite any and all obstacles, from whatever quarter, pays.
Don’t expect immediate success. Give your impaired marriage adequate (plenty of) time for improvement. “Hoping isn’t coping.” “Show love by deeds.”
All together now – One, Two, Three: “Let the reformation begin with me!”
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