Number 12 of this series of 12:
Dear Friends
For the last time in this series we pause to consider a trap with Dr Brent A Barlow:
The Television Trap
The excessive viewing of meaningless and improper television programmes during hours that could be put to better use.
TELEVISION – The broadcasting of a still or moving image via waves to receivers that project it on a picture tube or screen for viewing at a distance from the point of origin.
There are many fine programmes that have enriched our lives as well as our marriages and families. There is so much of worth to enjoy and to learn in the world and television brings it right into our homes.
The sign Dr Barlow would like to see on every television set when it is sold:
"CAUTION: THE MISUSE OF THIS PRODUCT COULD BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR MARRIAGE!"
1. Television can rob us of time that could and should be used in more worthwhile pursuits: talking, reading, learning, hobbies, recreation.
2. Television is instrumental in attitude formation. What messages are being sent about marriage and families?
3. Television conveys some interesting role models in marriage and family life. Television can also be highly influential in determining marital expectations. Television relationships usually end in one of the 4 D’s: divorce, desertion, disillusionment and death. Is this what you want for your marriage? How will you find out another better way if the most frequent role models you see end up this way?
4. Television makes us all, young and old alike, less sensitive to violence and pain. Question: Is the violence we see on TV contributing to the increasing violence we detect in families?
5. Television viewing disrupts family schedules. Because viewing habits differ, we end up with one or the others watching television and reduced all-together family time. Television affects the time we go to bed at night and the time we wake up in the morning in many homes. Television has likely affected our husband/wife intimate times together as well.
6. Television can sell us a life style. “Unfortunately too many people exist on a mental diet of television, motion pictures… and sick publications… I consider most of what we have available as ‘junk food’ that leads to mental malnutrition and poor emotional and spiritual health” - Dr Denis Waitley
Television is actually an extraordinary invention that should greatly improve our lives.
“Much of television exposes us to antisocial behaviour performed by the incompetent, the uncouth and the insane. At the other extreme are the superheroes with unnatural strength and superhuman abilities, who are beautiful and handsome. When average individuals compare themselves to their TV heroes, they usually see themselves as inadequate…” Dr Barlow
How to get out of THE TELEVISION TRAP
LDS Let’s Do Something… Today.
Monitor YOUR viewing times per day for a week.
If you are watching more than 4 hours per day you may be ensnared in the Television Trap.
Many of us are truly addicted to TV viewing.
Simply control your viewing. Decide what you can/should do without.
Read the television guide and decide what you are going to watch.
Watch what you decided to watch and switch the television off.
There can be an enormously exhilarating feeling of success, competence and power in simply pressing the OFF button of the television or remote...
If television viewing is difficult for you to control, you might put yourselves more often in environments where there is no television until you learn to develop more self-control.
“I am willing to bet that if television viewing were cut in half, no one would suffer markedly. That would leave us time for talking, planning, enjoying each other’s company. Most of us simply watch too much television.”
Be selective. Watch the best. All this that we may “become aware and prepared in all things”.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
The Temptation Trap
Number 11 of this series of 12 Traps:
Dear Friends
The second last trap mentioned by Dr Brent A Barlow in his book “Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and How To Avoid Them”:
The Temptation Trap
- Secret or questionable relationships with a member of the opposite sex that can lead to infidelity or adultery.
TEMPTATION:
Enticement or inducement, often through promises of pleasure or gain, to do something regarded as unwise or wrong by God, the Law of the country and sensible and responsible people.
You are undoubtedly in the Temptation Trap if you repeatedly find yourself alone with a member of the opposite sex to whom you are romantically and/or sexually attracted.
You are also in the trap/heading for the trap if another is romantically and/or sexually attracted to you.
“In several surveys, 80% or more of those questioned indicated that sexual relations with anyone other than the spouse is “always” or “almost always” wrong, inappropriate or sinful. Yet, even though the vast majority feel strongly on the subject, a large number of husbands and wives become involved in (emotional) affairs eventually leading to extramarital relations – adultery, in other words.”
How do extramarital relationships begin?
Curiosity, desire for sexual variety, boredom, a need to re-inforce self-image, a search for emotional intimacy, a desire for retaliation.
With whom do extra-marital relationships happen?
Often with another person known prior to the marriage, perhaps a former boyfriend or girlfriend.
What are the effects of extramarital relations?
85% divorce, emotional estrangement between the marriage partners, lessened sexual satisfaction within the marriage.
And what is psychic infidelity?
Continually dwelling on pleasant thoughts of a previous relationship.
Psychic Infidelity can be highly disruptive to a marriage if one is frequently thinking about former friends or wondering how a marriage to them may have been/would be “if things worked out differently”. Be careful of fanning the spark of an old or other flame. While fire may provide warmth and comfort, it can also be consuming.
“You need not try to totally forget former relationships, nor feel guilty or ashamed because of them. The time you spent together was not a lost cause even though you did not marry. You both matured a little and contributed to each other’s lives at that particular time.”
Since you did not marry the other, you would do well to reexamine your present commitment to your spouse and remember your wedding vow to "forsake all others", spiritually, mentally as well as physically. Interests and energy invested in relationships with other members of the opposite sex can, and often does, undermine your marital relationship.
Letters, photos, mementoes and gifts might need to be discarded if they are distracting and interfering with your spiritual, emotional and physical commitment to your marriage.
What should one do when your marriage partner is giving undue attention to a member of the opposite sex?
Dr James Dobson suggests that Love must be Tough.
1. DECLARE to your wayward spouse your dissatisfaction. Be specific and neither under not over dramatize the involvement.
2. DECLARE your intent to stay in the marriage and indicate your willingness to work at the relationship under certain conditions that include a change in their involvement with the other/s.
3. DECLARE your willingness to let go of your spouse if that is what he/she desires.
“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t come back, it never was yours in the first place.” - “Love must be Tough” Dr James Dobson p 76
And what if YOU are caught in the temptation trap?
Dr Carlfred Broderick says that when one is caught in adulterous relationships there are three R’s involved:
Resentment
Rationalization
Rendezvous
“Couples” p 161
RESENTMENT:
I/You/We have not found a way yet to deal with your marital problems or resentments.
I/You/We have high expectations (realistic or not) that are unfulfilled for a long period of time.
RATIONALISATION:
I/You/We deny or refuse to acknowledge the possibility/risk of getting involved with another
I/You flirt and say “It doesn’t mean anything”
I am/You are inappropriately empathic, too compassionate, dangerously concerned with another of the opposite sex and don’t see it as a huge risk to our mariage
RENDEZVOUS:
I/You meet in unplanned places with an other
I/You systematically associate with an other
There are more frequent meetings with an other
I/You have lunch (etc) with an other
I/You invite/accept an invitation to meet an other at a particular place without spouses
I/You plan and seek the meeting opportunities with this other
Infidelity depends on a PRIVATE meeting place or an APPOINTMENT to meet.
How to get out of the TEMPTATION TRAP?
LDS – Let’s Do Something!
1. BEWARE of being caught working alone with a member of the opposite sex.
2. Rather than chase butterflies and seek happiness elsewhere, EXAMINE your present situation, LEARN to be content with the spouse you vowed to be with.
3. Actively SEEK happiness in your present relationship.
4. Look for ways to SAFELY RESTRUCTURE questionable situations
5. TAKE YOURSELF BY THE SCRUFF OF YOUR NECK and say to yourself “___________Get out of here!”
6. If necessary, SEVER the relationship and refuse to see/speak to the extra-marital other
Here’s to our LONG and More and More REWARDING covenant marital relationships!
Dear Friends
The second last trap mentioned by Dr Brent A Barlow in his book “Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and How To Avoid Them”:
The Temptation Trap
- Secret or questionable relationships with a member of the opposite sex that can lead to infidelity or adultery.
TEMPTATION:
Enticement or inducement, often through promises of pleasure or gain, to do something regarded as unwise or wrong by God, the Law of the country and sensible and responsible people.
You are undoubtedly in the Temptation Trap if you repeatedly find yourself alone with a member of the opposite sex to whom you are romantically and/or sexually attracted.
You are also in the trap/heading for the trap if another is romantically and/or sexually attracted to you.
“In several surveys, 80% or more of those questioned indicated that sexual relations with anyone other than the spouse is “always” or “almost always” wrong, inappropriate or sinful. Yet, even though the vast majority feel strongly on the subject, a large number of husbands and wives become involved in (emotional) affairs eventually leading to extramarital relations – adultery, in other words.”
How do extramarital relationships begin?
Curiosity, desire for sexual variety, boredom, a need to re-inforce self-image, a search for emotional intimacy, a desire for retaliation.
With whom do extra-marital relationships happen?
Often with another person known prior to the marriage, perhaps a former boyfriend or girlfriend.
What are the effects of extramarital relations?
85% divorce, emotional estrangement between the marriage partners, lessened sexual satisfaction within the marriage.
And what is psychic infidelity?
Continually dwelling on pleasant thoughts of a previous relationship.
Psychic Infidelity can be highly disruptive to a marriage if one is frequently thinking about former friends or wondering how a marriage to them may have been/would be “if things worked out differently”. Be careful of fanning the spark of an old or other flame. While fire may provide warmth and comfort, it can also be consuming.
“You need not try to totally forget former relationships, nor feel guilty or ashamed because of them. The time you spent together was not a lost cause even though you did not marry. You both matured a little and contributed to each other’s lives at that particular time.”
Since you did not marry the other, you would do well to reexamine your present commitment to your spouse and remember your wedding vow to "forsake all others", spiritually, mentally as well as physically. Interests and energy invested in relationships with other members of the opposite sex can, and often does, undermine your marital relationship.
Letters, photos, mementoes and gifts might need to be discarded if they are distracting and interfering with your spiritual, emotional and physical commitment to your marriage.
What should one do when your marriage partner is giving undue attention to a member of the opposite sex?
Dr James Dobson suggests that Love must be Tough.
1. DECLARE to your wayward spouse your dissatisfaction. Be specific and neither under not over dramatize the involvement.
2. DECLARE your intent to stay in the marriage and indicate your willingness to work at the relationship under certain conditions that include a change in their involvement with the other/s.
3. DECLARE your willingness to let go of your spouse if that is what he/she desires.
“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t come back, it never was yours in the first place.” - “Love must be Tough” Dr James Dobson p 76
And what if YOU are caught in the temptation trap?
Dr Carlfred Broderick says that when one is caught in adulterous relationships there are three R’s involved:
Resentment
Rationalization
Rendezvous
“Couples” p 161
RESENTMENT:
I/You/We have not found a way yet to deal with your marital problems or resentments.
I/You/We have high expectations (realistic or not) that are unfulfilled for a long period of time.
RATIONALISATION:
I/You/We deny or refuse to acknowledge the possibility/risk of getting involved with another
I/You flirt and say “It doesn’t mean anything”
I am/You are inappropriately empathic, too compassionate, dangerously concerned with another of the opposite sex and don’t see it as a huge risk to our mariage
RENDEZVOUS:
I/You meet in unplanned places with an other
I/You systematically associate with an other
There are more frequent meetings with an other
I/You have lunch (etc) with an other
I/You invite/accept an invitation to meet an other at a particular place without spouses
I/You plan and seek the meeting opportunities with this other
Infidelity depends on a PRIVATE meeting place or an APPOINTMENT to meet.
How to get out of the TEMPTATION TRAP?
LDS – Let’s Do Something!
1. BEWARE of being caught working alone with a member of the opposite sex.
2. Rather than chase butterflies and seek happiness elsewhere, EXAMINE your present situation, LEARN to be content with the spouse you vowed to be with.
3. Actively SEEK happiness in your present relationship.
4. Look for ways to SAFELY RESTRUCTURE questionable situations
5. TAKE YOURSELF BY THE SCRUFF OF YOUR NECK and say to yourself “___________Get out of here!”
6. If necessary, SEVER the relationship and refuse to see/speak to the extra-marital other
Here’s to our LONG and More and More REWARDING covenant marital relationships!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
The Touch Trap
Number 10 of this series of 12 Traps:
Dear Friends
Here is the next of the Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to get out of it according to Dr Brent Barlow:
The Touch Trap
= the absence of touch in a marital relationship other than for routine sexual relations
Touch: The act of bringing a bodily part into contact with something so as to feel it;
handling or feeling gently, usually with the intent to understand or appreciate.
“It seems that a great many wives feel that (emotional) intimacy, touch, and closeness may be more desirable than sexual relationships. A great many husbands today, however, can only be intimate through sexual interaction (physical intimacy). Some men would do well to rethink and relearn their concept of touch and closeness. By so doing, they would be taking an important step out of the touch trap… Shared closeness (emotional intimacy) may be attained in a variety of ways which include, but are not limited to, sexual intimacy.”
“Why is touch so difficult? Many studies have observed that young infants… can actually die from lack of touch. If young children literally need touch to stay alive, perhaps we never outgrow our need for touch as adults. Marital lack of touch can spell death to a marriage. Rekindling touch can save a starved marriage.”
“I am interested in the trend of marriages becoming nontactual after several years of matrimony. Many couples seldom touch each other more than what is needed for routine sexual relationships.” says Dr Barlow. (emphasis added)
“Touch is obviously an important part of the sexual act as well.” He adds. “We are well aware of the love, intimacy, and joy that can come to a married couple when this particular dimension of the marital relationship is nurtured”.
It is interesting to note that the words sex or sexuality do not appear in the scriptures. The same process is described in holy writ with the words know or knew. “Adam knew his wife and she conceived. Cain knew his wife and she conceived and bare Enoch. And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth.” (Gen 4:1, 17, 25) The biblical wording of “knowing” or “becoming acquainted with” is a beautiful way to describe the oneness a husband and wife may attain in marriage through the sexual act.
“All the enduring values of life are heightened, taking on an added significance, when sex functions in its normal ways.” Roy Welker.
How to get out of THE TOUCH TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something…
Touch your spouse non-demandingly
as opportunity arises, every day.
Non-demanding touch:
“stand-next-to” or “from-behind” touch.
Eg:
arm around shoulder in passing
a light passing touch on the arm or the shoulder/s
pat on the back
back rub
side-to-side (or from-the-back) brief hug
lightly touching hair or ear or nape of neck or side of face
lightly kissing from standing at the side/back of the person
Touch that is given to the other person
Touch that expects no reciprocation or response
of any kind in return.
Demanding touch:
“face to face” touch.
Eg:
kiss
holding hands
front-to-front hug
sexual intimacy
any touch that expects a response from the recipient
Demanding touch is also “rough touch”
squeezing, gripping, shaking and worse
touch accompanied by harsh voice or look (intimidating)
This touch is hard, and often impossible, to live with.
This touch is a breach of trust and confidence in a relationship.
This touch can be hard to forgive in a marriage.
“If I could encourage married couples to do just one thing to maintain or improve their relationships, I think I would suggest developing the skill of touch. Touch is one of the most significant forms of communication we have. Obviously, the absence of touch often communicates disinterest or lack of caring.” Muses Dr Barlow.
I challenge you to DO IT! A parched, touch-deprived relationship can become rewarding and flourishing in a surprisingly short time. It’s a miracle I love to see happening.
Dear Friends
Here is the next of the Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to get out of it according to Dr Brent Barlow:
The Touch Trap
= the absence of touch in a marital relationship other than for routine sexual relations
Touch: The act of bringing a bodily part into contact with something so as to feel it;
handling or feeling gently, usually with the intent to understand or appreciate.
“It seems that a great many wives feel that (emotional) intimacy, touch, and closeness may be more desirable than sexual relationships. A great many husbands today, however, can only be intimate through sexual interaction (physical intimacy). Some men would do well to rethink and relearn their concept of touch and closeness. By so doing, they would be taking an important step out of the touch trap… Shared closeness (emotional intimacy) may be attained in a variety of ways which include, but are not limited to, sexual intimacy.”
“Why is touch so difficult? Many studies have observed that young infants… can actually die from lack of touch. If young children literally need touch to stay alive, perhaps we never outgrow our need for touch as adults. Marital lack of touch can spell death to a marriage. Rekindling touch can save a starved marriage.”
“I am interested in the trend of marriages becoming nontactual after several years of matrimony. Many couples seldom touch each other more than what is needed for routine sexual relationships.” says Dr Barlow. (emphasis added)
“Touch is obviously an important part of the sexual act as well.” He adds. “We are well aware of the love, intimacy, and joy that can come to a married couple when this particular dimension of the marital relationship is nurtured”.
It is interesting to note that the words sex or sexuality do not appear in the scriptures. The same process is described in holy writ with the words know or knew. “Adam knew his wife and she conceived. Cain knew his wife and she conceived and bare Enoch. And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth.” (Gen 4:1, 17, 25) The biblical wording of “knowing” or “becoming acquainted with” is a beautiful way to describe the oneness a husband and wife may attain in marriage through the sexual act.
“All the enduring values of life are heightened, taking on an added significance, when sex functions in its normal ways.” Roy Welker.
How to get out of THE TOUCH TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something…
Touch your spouse non-demandingly
as opportunity arises, every day.
Non-demanding touch:
“stand-next-to” or “from-behind” touch.
Eg:
arm around shoulder in passing
a light passing touch on the arm or the shoulder/s
pat on the back
back rub
side-to-side (or from-the-back) brief hug
lightly touching hair or ear or nape of neck or side of face
lightly kissing from standing at the side/back of the person
Touch that is given to the other person
Touch that expects no reciprocation or response
of any kind in return.
Demanding touch:
“face to face” touch.
Eg:
kiss
holding hands
front-to-front hug
sexual intimacy
any touch that expects a response from the recipient
Demanding touch is also “rough touch”
squeezing, gripping, shaking and worse
touch accompanied by harsh voice or look (intimidating)
This touch is hard, and often impossible, to live with.
This touch is a breach of trust and confidence in a relationship.
This touch can be hard to forgive in a marriage.
“If I could encourage married couples to do just one thing to maintain or improve their relationships, I think I would suggest developing the skill of touch. Touch is one of the most significant forms of communication we have. Obviously, the absence of touch often communicates disinterest or lack of caring.” Muses Dr Barlow.
I challenge you to DO IT! A parched, touch-deprived relationship can become rewarding and flourishing in a surprisingly short time. It’s a miracle I love to see happening.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
The Tension Trap
Number 9 of this series of 12 Traps:
Dear Friends
The 9th Trap discussed by Dr Barlow in his book “Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to get out of them” is
The Tension Trap
= participation in too many stress-producing projects or activities.
Tension: Mental or emotional strain; suspense, anxiety, or excitement; pressure.
“I don’t know if your marriage is like ours, but it seems that my wife and I undergo a great deal of tension” starts Dr Barlow.
Some of it is external – over which we have no control.
Some of it we have a part in: beginning new projects; and also taking a long time to finish them. “Be careful not to start projects you can't finish”.
Life often follows and re-follows the pattern:
Beginnings; Preparation; Establishment; Chaos; Stability.
There’s potential for tension of one kind or another in each of the phases.
Children can be a source of tension… when they are there we experience “chaos” often!
Chaos is stressful for some people.
Lack of chaos is stressful for others.
Which type are you?
“No children” can also be stressful for some.
Here’s a sign seen:
“A mother’s place is in the home… and so is the father’s!”
What does being at home do to your level of stress?
What might you do differently that perhaps could be better?
Other sources of stress:
“The Patti Perfect Syndrome” or the
“The Paul Perfect Syndrome”
Do you try to be perfect at everything you do, all the time, and expect everyone around you to do the same?
Any part of that is a sure-fire recipe for increasingly unbearable tension.
Also the lack of striving is tension producing in many people…
Where is YOUR balance?
Where would you like it to be?
Here’s another syndrome:
“The Ghandi Syndrome”
Ghandi believed that no outside help was necessary, no matter how great the need, self-healing was possible.
If you judge that self-healing is possible when it is not, or not possible when it is… whew… there’s Tension with a capital T:
especially if you judge it one way or the other for another person.
Many people mistakenly believe that mental health problems are self-healing.
How is YOUR mental health?
Here are some questions to ponder and discuss if you want to, and are able to:
Do I like and respect myself?
Do I set , myself realistic, reasonable goals to achieve?
Do I try to see things in their proper perspective?
Do I give of myself to others?
Can I understand that others have needs too?
Am I able to form close relationships with others?
Am I able to endure some delay and hardship to get what I want?
Do I try to respond in a give and take manner in the face of stress?
Can I enjoy life – finding pleasure in a variety of circumstances?
Can I accept my strengths as well as my weaknesses realistically?
How to get out of THE TENSION TRAP:
LDS – yes, Let’s Do Something!
1. Develop a sense of humour
2. Cut back on some present activities (Some are stressed with too light a load – for those, increase the load for relief…)
Do you know anyone whom you admire who has an enlivening, uplifting and enriching sense of humour?
Spend time with them – ask to be their apprentice while you learn from and with them.
It’s possible to do all you want to do – just not necessarily all at the same time.
What can/do you need to cut down (or out) for this week, this month, this year, this decade – even… this life time?
How well do you know yourself and your capabilities?
Do you struggle when you should wait?
Do you wait when you should struggle?
Do you try to do what cannot be done?
Do you fight against facts of life that cannot be changed, at least for now?
“If we do not become pre-occupied with or resent the conditions in which we find ourselves, we can then focus on the areas of life in which change and improvement are possible” concludes Dr Barlow.
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom
To know the difference.
I wish you and me a less tense time until next time.
Dear Friends
The 9th Trap discussed by Dr Barlow in his book “Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to get out of them” is
The Tension Trap
= participation in too many stress-producing projects or activities.
Tension: Mental or emotional strain; suspense, anxiety, or excitement; pressure.
“I don’t know if your marriage is like ours, but it seems that my wife and I undergo a great deal of tension” starts Dr Barlow.
Some of it is external – over which we have no control.
Some of it we have a part in: beginning new projects; and also taking a long time to finish them. “Be careful not to start projects you can't finish”.
Life often follows and re-follows the pattern:
Beginnings; Preparation; Establishment; Chaos; Stability.
There’s potential for tension of one kind or another in each of the phases.
Children can be a source of tension… when they are there we experience “chaos” often!
Chaos is stressful for some people.
Lack of chaos is stressful for others.
Which type are you?
“No children” can also be stressful for some.
Here’s a sign seen:
“A mother’s place is in the home… and so is the father’s!”
What does being at home do to your level of stress?
What might you do differently that perhaps could be better?
Other sources of stress:
“The Patti Perfect Syndrome” or the
“The Paul Perfect Syndrome”
Do you try to be perfect at everything you do, all the time, and expect everyone around you to do the same?
Any part of that is a sure-fire recipe for increasingly unbearable tension.
Also the lack of striving is tension producing in many people…
Where is YOUR balance?
Where would you like it to be?
Here’s another syndrome:
“The Ghandi Syndrome”
Ghandi believed that no outside help was necessary, no matter how great the need, self-healing was possible.
If you judge that self-healing is possible when it is not, or not possible when it is… whew… there’s Tension with a capital T:
especially if you judge it one way or the other for another person.
Many people mistakenly believe that mental health problems are self-healing.
How is YOUR mental health?
Here are some questions to ponder and discuss if you want to, and are able to:
Do I like and respect myself?
Do I set , myself realistic, reasonable goals to achieve?
Do I try to see things in their proper perspective?
Do I give of myself to others?
Can I understand that others have needs too?
Am I able to form close relationships with others?
Am I able to endure some delay and hardship to get what I want?
Do I try to respond in a give and take manner in the face of stress?
Can I enjoy life – finding pleasure in a variety of circumstances?
Can I accept my strengths as well as my weaknesses realistically?
How to get out of THE TENSION TRAP:
LDS – yes, Let’s Do Something!
1. Develop a sense of humour
2. Cut back on some present activities (Some are stressed with too light a load – for those, increase the load for relief…)
Do you know anyone whom you admire who has an enlivening, uplifting and enriching sense of humour?
Spend time with them – ask to be their apprentice while you learn from and with them.
It’s possible to do all you want to do – just not necessarily all at the same time.
What can/do you need to cut down (or out) for this week, this month, this year, this decade – even… this life time?
How well do you know yourself and your capabilities?
Do you struggle when you should wait?
Do you wait when you should struggle?
Do you try to do what cannot be done?
Do you fight against facts of life that cannot be changed, at least for now?
“If we do not become pre-occupied with or resent the conditions in which we find ourselves, we can then focus on the areas of life in which change and improvement are possible” concludes Dr Barlow.
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom
To know the difference.
I wish you and me a less tense time until next time.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
The Temper Trap
Number 8 of this series of 12 Traps:
Dear Friends
Here is the trap that I have wondered about for many years: Dr Barlow – “Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and How To Avoid Them” -and I share these comments.
The Temper Trap
The inability or unwillingness of marriage partners to control, modify, or possibly eliminate anger in their relationship.
Temper: State of feeling or frame of mind usually dominated by a single strong emotion; heat of mind or emotion, proneness to anger, passion.
Marriage partners who love each other sometimes become highly irritated or annoyed or outrightly angry with each other. Interesting paradox.
Sometimes a spouse will do or say something that acts as a trigger to the other. On occasion, the absence of actions or words may also irritate.
Premise 1
The state of marriage generates in normal people more anger than they are likely to ever experience in any other relationship
Premise 2
Unless the anger generated can be processed effectively, intimacy is likely to fail to develop. Disillusionment results and can easily lead to alienation
Premise 3
Alienation results from not understanding the anger of either/both. The methods used to deal with the anger of either/both are counterproductive
Premise 4
It is possible, and also not necessarily easy to learn new skills to foster a more productive and creative processing of anger so that it will weld love and intimacy rather than destroy
Recall the last time you were irritated or angry with your spouse. What was the situation? What triggered your anger? Most important, how were YOU feeling before the incident occurred?
Apparently anger and irritation are frequently linked to one’s self-esteem. “There is an all too human tendency for us to get irritated with others in direct proportion to our irritation with ourselves.”
A Guide to Successful Marriage (p 79)- Drs Albert Ellis and Richard Harper
“If my spouse is angry or upset, they may not be living up to their own expectations… or their self-esteem may be low because of some supposed, or real, failures.”
“If I am angry or upset, I may be sitting with the same challenge…”
“If I find myself misdirecting my anger, I should retract my angry statements immediately and apologise for my behaviour admitting that I am actually upset with myself!”
“My anger is a signal that I need to correct some of my thoughts” – Burton Kelly
“My anger is a reminder of weaknesses I need to overcome” – Burton Kelly
“Our hostile feelings towards another person are more fundamental to our problems than the other person’s behaviour.” Terrance D Olson
What is your IQ? - Irritability Quotient?
Are you easily provoked? Here’s a test for you.
Score: 0 = very little annoyance to 4 = very angry
1. The new appliance you bought does not work when you plug it in
2. You are overcharged by a repairman who helped you when you were in a bind
3. You were singled out for correction when others doing the same went unreprimanded
4. You are talking to someone who doesn’t answer you
5. Someone pretends to be what he is not
6. While you are struggling to carry a load someone bumps you and your load spills
7. You get your car stuck in the mud
8. You are hounded by a salesman
9. You have made arrangements and at the last moment you are let down
10. You are being joked about or teased
11. You make a driving error and another motorist yells at you
12. Someone near you is tapping his foot
13. You lend something and the borrower does not return it
14. You have had a busy day and your spouse complains that you forgot to do something for them
15. You are trying to discuss something important to you and the listener won’t let you finish
16. You are talking to someone who knows very little about what they are heatedly professing
17. You need to get somewhere quickly and the car in front of you is driving slowly – you can’t pass
18. A third party keeps interrupting an argument between you and someone
19. You step on a wad of chewing gum
20. When you are in a hurry you tear a good piece of clothing on a sharp object
21. You use your last coin and are disconnected before you can get through and talk
22. You have hung up your clothes and someone knocks them off and doesn’t rehang them
23. Someone makes a mistake and blames it on you
24. You are mocked at by a small group of people as you walk past
25. You are stalled in the traffic. The car behind you keeps hooting at you
How did you score?
0-45 Remarkably low Irritability Quotient
46-55 You respond with less anger than most
56-75 Your response is about average
76-85 You respond with substantially more anger than most
86-100 You have a very high IQ. You probably harbour negative feelings
and have headaches and other aches and pains and high blood pressure.
Relatively few people respond with as much anger as you do
There are at least four normal responses to our own anger and that of others:
FIGHT – immediately becoming verbally or physically aggressive or both
FLIGHT – running away either physically or mentally or emotionally
FREEZE - play dead, or do nothing
FOCUS - get a clear image of what is really going on. Relax and act appropriately and effectively
Each response can be absolutely right or absolutely wrong, or anything in between, depending on the varying circumstances and people present each time anger manifests itself! Which is your favourite? Which do you know least about? How can you learn about all four and use each appropriately?
1. Some people say that anger is instinctive and that neither the onsets nor the consequences are within our control. Like a Temper Tantrum. “You make me so angry…” is the language of this perspective.
2. Others believe that anger is an instinctive response to perceived threat, but we are in control of what we do and say. While we cannot, sometimes, help becoming angry, we can do something about it once we are.
3. A third perspective is that our anger is a choice we make. We can choose whether we are going to become (or remain) angry, and we may therefore, choose not to experience the consequences of anger.
This perspective is difficult and mature. I don’t know anyone as mature as this, do you?
I have made some progress, and also, I am older now, and have less multiplicity of triggers now.
How to get out of THE TEMPER TRAP LDS - Let’s Do Something! It is possible
(The temper trap is not easy for some of us to escape)
Do the IQ test and see where you might be according to that
Keep an “Anger Log” for 2 weeks
What opportunities do you have to get angry?
How often do you get angry?
What kind of anger is it: Anger inwards/outwards?
How often do you get Irritated, Annoyed, Angry..
What happened as a result of your anger: to you, to other/s?
Give yourself to much introspection
Discuss the problem with your spouse or one you can talk to
Professional counselling might also be needed – get it (if it is
not effective, find another counsellor)
Can anger be a choice?
Interesting thought - worth cultivating the capacity to choose not to use anger distructively?
You and I will be working on this for a very long time...
See also BETTER PARENTING - BE PREPARED on my links at the left - entry on "Anger"
Dear Friends
Here is the trap that I have wondered about for many years: Dr Barlow – “Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and How To Avoid Them” -and I share these comments.
The Temper Trap
The inability or unwillingness of marriage partners to control, modify, or possibly eliminate anger in their relationship.
Temper: State of feeling or frame of mind usually dominated by a single strong emotion; heat of mind or emotion, proneness to anger, passion.
Marriage partners who love each other sometimes become highly irritated or annoyed or outrightly angry with each other. Interesting paradox.
Sometimes a spouse will do or say something that acts as a trigger to the other. On occasion, the absence of actions or words may also irritate.
Premise 1
The state of marriage generates in normal people more anger than they are likely to ever experience in any other relationship
Premise 2
Unless the anger generated can be processed effectively, intimacy is likely to fail to develop. Disillusionment results and can easily lead to alienation
Premise 3
Alienation results from not understanding the anger of either/both. The methods used to deal with the anger of either/both are counterproductive
Premise 4
It is possible, and also not necessarily easy to learn new skills to foster a more productive and creative processing of anger so that it will weld love and intimacy rather than destroy
Recall the last time you were irritated or angry with your spouse. What was the situation? What triggered your anger? Most important, how were YOU feeling before the incident occurred?
Apparently anger and irritation are frequently linked to one’s self-esteem. “There is an all too human tendency for us to get irritated with others in direct proportion to our irritation with ourselves.”
A Guide to Successful Marriage (p 79)- Drs Albert Ellis and Richard Harper
“If my spouse is angry or upset, they may not be living up to their own expectations… or their self-esteem may be low because of some supposed, or real, failures.”
“If I am angry or upset, I may be sitting with the same challenge…”
“If I find myself misdirecting my anger, I should retract my angry statements immediately and apologise for my behaviour admitting that I am actually upset with myself!”
“My anger is a signal that I need to correct some of my thoughts” – Burton Kelly
“My anger is a reminder of weaknesses I need to overcome” – Burton Kelly
“Our hostile feelings towards another person are more fundamental to our problems than the other person’s behaviour.” Terrance D Olson
What is your IQ? - Irritability Quotient?
Are you easily provoked? Here’s a test for you.
Score: 0 = very little annoyance to 4 = very angry
1. The new appliance you bought does not work when you plug it in
2. You are overcharged by a repairman who helped you when you were in a bind
3. You were singled out for correction when others doing the same went unreprimanded
4. You are talking to someone who doesn’t answer you
5. Someone pretends to be what he is not
6. While you are struggling to carry a load someone bumps you and your load spills
7. You get your car stuck in the mud
8. You are hounded by a salesman
9. You have made arrangements and at the last moment you are let down
10. You are being joked about or teased
11. You make a driving error and another motorist yells at you
12. Someone near you is tapping his foot
13. You lend something and the borrower does not return it
14. You have had a busy day and your spouse complains that you forgot to do something for them
15. You are trying to discuss something important to you and the listener won’t let you finish
16. You are talking to someone who knows very little about what they are heatedly professing
17. You need to get somewhere quickly and the car in front of you is driving slowly – you can’t pass
18. A third party keeps interrupting an argument between you and someone
19. You step on a wad of chewing gum
20. When you are in a hurry you tear a good piece of clothing on a sharp object
21. You use your last coin and are disconnected before you can get through and talk
22. You have hung up your clothes and someone knocks them off and doesn’t rehang them
23. Someone makes a mistake and blames it on you
24. You are mocked at by a small group of people as you walk past
25. You are stalled in the traffic. The car behind you keeps hooting at you
How did you score?
0-45 Remarkably low Irritability Quotient
46-55 You respond with less anger than most
56-75 Your response is about average
76-85 You respond with substantially more anger than most
86-100 You have a very high IQ. You probably harbour negative feelings
and have headaches and other aches and pains and high blood pressure.
Relatively few people respond with as much anger as you do
There are at least four normal responses to our own anger and that of others:
FIGHT – immediately becoming verbally or physically aggressive or both
FLIGHT – running away either physically or mentally or emotionally
FREEZE - play dead, or do nothing
FOCUS - get a clear image of what is really going on. Relax and act appropriately and effectively
Each response can be absolutely right or absolutely wrong, or anything in between, depending on the varying circumstances and people present each time anger manifests itself! Which is your favourite? Which do you know least about? How can you learn about all four and use each appropriately?
1. Some people say that anger is instinctive and that neither the onsets nor the consequences are within our control. Like a Temper Tantrum. “You make me so angry…” is the language of this perspective.
2. Others believe that anger is an instinctive response to perceived threat, but we are in control of what we do and say. While we cannot, sometimes, help becoming angry, we can do something about it once we are.
3. A third perspective is that our anger is a choice we make. We can choose whether we are going to become (or remain) angry, and we may therefore, choose not to experience the consequences of anger.
This perspective is difficult and mature. I don’t know anyone as mature as this, do you?
I have made some progress, and also, I am older now, and have less multiplicity of triggers now.
How to get out of THE TEMPER TRAP LDS - Let’s Do Something! It is possible
(The temper trap is not easy for some of us to escape)
Do the IQ test and see where you might be according to that
Keep an “Anger Log” for 2 weeks
What opportunities do you have to get angry?
How often do you get angry?
What kind of anger is it: Anger inwards/outwards?
How often do you get Irritated, Annoyed, Angry..
What happened as a result of your anger: to you, to other/s?
Give yourself to much introspection
Discuss the problem with your spouse or one you can talk to
Professional counselling might also be needed – get it (if it is
not effective, find another counsellor)
Can anger be a choice?
Interesting thought - worth cultivating the capacity to choose not to use anger distructively?
You and I will be working on this for a very long time...
See also BETTER PARENTING - BE PREPARED on my links at the left - entry on "Anger"
Monday, August 25, 2008
The Turmoil Trap
Number 7 of this series of 12 Traps:
Dear Friends
How’s your life at the moment – Tranquil or Turmoil? Hopefully there is some, not too much, of each… That’s within the range of “Normal” and “Healthy”.
Pause with me and consider Dr Barlow’s thoughts on
The Turmoil Trap
The inability of a married couple to deal constructively with marital conflict.
Turmoil: A state of extreme confusion, agitation, or commotion; turbulence or disorder.
How does one deal with “what should be” (no marital conflict) compared to “what is” (conflict of varying degrees and frequency)?
Perhaps what we need in marriage is idealism tempered with realism.
Here are two myths in Dr Barlow’s opinion:
“Marriages will be free of conflict” and “The presence of conflict indicates a bad marriage.”
There may be marriages with little or no conflict, though many marriages that appear to be free of conflict may be actually far from it. There may be little contact between the two spouses and so little on which to differ.
In another type of marriage a husband and wife may have worked out a dominant/submissive relationship, in other words, one is master, the other is slave. Obviously a slave rarely disagrees with a master… this may be good for master/slave relationship, it is not good for husband/wife relationships!
Some older couples who “have never had a cross word between them” are probably forgetful!
Some couples avoid public displays of conflict and so their children and others believe they never had arguments.
Perhaps, then, we should not be overwhelmed that conflicts do/will occur in marriage. The key is what we do with them when they arise.
Have you ever done any of these listed below?
Rather… when last did either/both of you do this?!
HORIBILIZING:
We make more out of the differences than we should: we make a difficult or bad situation worse by irrational and/or uncontrolled thought.
PINCHING:
When last did you "pinch" you spouse? Did you hurt them? Probably a major crisis in your relationship will be the result of a series of small irritations (pinches) that are not dealt with by you, or both, when they arise.
Here are some examples of what might feel like PINCHES (clashes of wishes) to some spouses - perhaps yours:
You talk to me while I am on the phone
You leave a mess after you
You make light of a problem I tell you about
You come home and yell at our children when you are tired
You tease/mock/humiliate me in front of others
You question my judgement in front of our children
If and When you are calm with each other, and If and When you can:
Ask and discuss what feel like pinches from YOU to YOUR SPOUSE...
Tell and discuss what feel like YOUR pinches from YOUR SPOUSE.
Take turns talking and listening.
Take a “Time Out” whenever one of you needs it during your discussions.
How to get out of the TURMOIL TRAP:
LDS – Let’s DO Something!
List all the differences you have with each other that you can think of right now – add to the list when you remember others.
Divide the differences into two categories:
Essential:
Those differences that could break up your marriage
Non-essential:
Differences that should not affect the stability of you marriage
“In Essentials, let there be unity; in Non Essentials, liberty; and in all things, charity”
BH Roberts
Consider this sequence:
Differences > Disagreements > Conflict > Anger
(The next trap we discuss will be Anger – watch the for the next post for more on this one)
Decide where you are along this sequence with each of your spousal differences
Discuss and decide on one of the following for each difference, as far as possible now – Remember to “Time Out” when one or both of you need it…
COEXIST:
Accommodate each other in ways where you differ - agree to disagree, agreeably.
Practice patience and tolerance and courtesy.
CAPITULATE:
Acquiesce.
Give in.
As you discuss the issue, think about how much out of 10 you want what
you want.
If one wants it 8 out of 10 and the other 4 out of 10 capitulation works well.
Take turns at Just Giving In.
Say “Yes” rather than “Yes… but…” as often as you can. It is refreshing for both!
COMPROMISE:
Negotiate. Both of you yield or give in a little until you find a comfortable enough middle ground.
COLLABORATE (Win/Win):
Work, plan and persist with each other respectfully until you both derive your
major goals – probably in creative ways you haven’t thought about yet.
That usually means that you both need to find new ways to give and receive.
This may take a while!
PRACTICE MAKES IT EASIER.
Learn the skills of each “C” style above and many marital conflicts can be resolved or significantly modified.
Differences, most of them, do not have to be resolved NOW and only ONE WAY!.
Here’s an example of each style: Husband wants a R500 camera, Wife wants a R500 clock.
Coexist:
Do nothing about either desire, for now, or for ever, agreeably.
Capitulate:
Either the camera or the clock is bought.
Compromise:
He gets a less expensive camera, she gets a less expensive clock
Collaborate:
Perhaps they sell something so that they can get both at the same time.
Perhaps they find a way to earn or raise the extra money so that both can be bought.
These "C" are wonderful skills to have –
they are worth regularly developing and refining a further degree of each “C” to be able to use the appropriate and problem solving one most useful to enrich your marriage.
Enjoy your days.
Dear Friends
How’s your life at the moment – Tranquil or Turmoil? Hopefully there is some, not too much, of each… That’s within the range of “Normal” and “Healthy”.
Pause with me and consider Dr Barlow’s thoughts on
The Turmoil Trap
The inability of a married couple to deal constructively with marital conflict.
Turmoil: A state of extreme confusion, agitation, or commotion; turbulence or disorder.
How does one deal with “what should be” (no marital conflict) compared to “what is” (conflict of varying degrees and frequency)?
Perhaps what we need in marriage is idealism tempered with realism.
Here are two myths in Dr Barlow’s opinion:
“Marriages will be free of conflict” and “The presence of conflict indicates a bad marriage.”
There may be marriages with little or no conflict, though many marriages that appear to be free of conflict may be actually far from it. There may be little contact between the two spouses and so little on which to differ.
In another type of marriage a husband and wife may have worked out a dominant/submissive relationship, in other words, one is master, the other is slave. Obviously a slave rarely disagrees with a master… this may be good for master/slave relationship, it is not good for husband/wife relationships!
Some older couples who “have never had a cross word between them” are probably forgetful!
Some couples avoid public displays of conflict and so their children and others believe they never had arguments.
Perhaps, then, we should not be overwhelmed that conflicts do/will occur in marriage. The key is what we do with them when they arise.
Have you ever done any of these listed below?
Rather… when last did either/both of you do this?!
HORIBILIZING:
We make more out of the differences than we should: we make a difficult or bad situation worse by irrational and/or uncontrolled thought.
PINCHING:
When last did you "pinch" you spouse? Did you hurt them? Probably a major crisis in your relationship will be the result of a series of small irritations (pinches) that are not dealt with by you, or both, when they arise.
Here are some examples of what might feel like PINCHES (clashes of wishes) to some spouses - perhaps yours:
You talk to me while I am on the phone
You leave a mess after you
You make light of a problem I tell you about
You come home and yell at our children when you are tired
You tease/mock/humiliate me in front of others
You question my judgement in front of our children
If and When you are calm with each other, and If and When you can:
Ask and discuss what feel like pinches from YOU to YOUR SPOUSE...
Tell and discuss what feel like YOUR pinches from YOUR SPOUSE.
Take turns talking and listening.
Take a “Time Out” whenever one of you needs it during your discussions.
How to get out of the TURMOIL TRAP:
LDS – Let’s DO Something!
List all the differences you have with each other that you can think of right now – add to the list when you remember others.
Divide the differences into two categories:
Essential:
Those differences that could break up your marriage
Non-essential:
Differences that should not affect the stability of you marriage
“In Essentials, let there be unity; in Non Essentials, liberty; and in all things, charity”
BH Roberts
Consider this sequence:
Differences > Disagreements > Conflict > Anger
(The next trap we discuss will be Anger – watch the for the next post for more on this one)
Decide where you are along this sequence with each of your spousal differences
Discuss and decide on one of the following for each difference, as far as possible now – Remember to “Time Out” when one or both of you need it…
COEXIST:
Accommodate each other in ways where you differ - agree to disagree, agreeably.
Practice patience and tolerance and courtesy.
CAPITULATE:
Acquiesce.
Give in.
As you discuss the issue, think about how much out of 10 you want what
you want.
If one wants it 8 out of 10 and the other 4 out of 10 capitulation works well.
Take turns at Just Giving In.
Say “Yes” rather than “Yes… but…” as often as you can. It is refreshing for both!
COMPROMISE:
Negotiate. Both of you yield or give in a little until you find a comfortable enough middle ground.
COLLABORATE (Win/Win):
Work, plan and persist with each other respectfully until you both derive your
major goals – probably in creative ways you haven’t thought about yet.
That usually means that you both need to find new ways to give and receive.
This may take a while!
PRACTICE MAKES IT EASIER.
Learn the skills of each “C” style above and many marital conflicts can be resolved or significantly modified.
Differences, most of them, do not have to be resolved NOW and only ONE WAY!.
Here’s an example of each style: Husband wants a R500 camera, Wife wants a R500 clock.
Coexist:
Do nothing about either desire, for now, or for ever, agreeably.
Capitulate:
Either the camera or the clock is bought.
Compromise:
He gets a less expensive camera, she gets a less expensive clock
Collaborate:
Perhaps they sell something so that they can get both at the same time.
Perhaps they find a way to earn or raise the extra money so that both can be bought.
These "C" are wonderful skills to have –
they are worth regularly developing and refining a further degree of each “C” to be able to use the appropriate and problem solving one most useful to enrich your marriage.
Enjoy your days.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
The Tyranny Trap
Number 6 of this series of 12 Traps:
Dear Friend
Here’s a trap thatwe sometimes fall into…Explore again with Dr Brent A Barrow (“Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to avoid them”) and me:
The Tyranny Trap
The TYRANNY TRAP:
The tendency of one marriage partner to exercise too much power or control in decision making.
Tyranny: Arbitrary or unrestrained exercise of power; despotic abuse of authority
Question: Should the man be the head of the house?
In what way should the man be/not be the head of the house?
Here are some types of “heads”:
The King;
Benevolent Dictator;
Impasse Arbitrator;
Mayor/Political Boss;
Chairman of the Board;
Limited Partnership;
Guide/Scout;
The Bishop/Pastor;
The Servant of All.
If you look up some of these words in a dictionary you’ll probably have an interesting additional exercise.
Question:
Which of these styles would result in "mirages" and "assumptions" and "stereotypes"?
For whom? In what way? When?
Which of these styles will be "good" and "true" and "useful" and "genuinely problem solving"?
For whom? In what way? When?
You are more likely to be in the Tyranny Trap
1. If there is an imbalance in your decision making
2. If you are more concerned with "who decides" than "what is decided"
How to get out of the Tyranny Trap: LDS - Let"s Do Something!
Question:
Who currently makes most of which decisions in your household?
Use this 1 - 5 scale in answering the QUESTIONAIRE:
1. Husband only decides
2. Husband decides after consulting with wife
3. Both decide together
4. Wife decides after consulting with husband
5. Wife only decides
Do the following QUESTIONAIRE individually.
Discuss together periodically if/when you can:
The QUESTIONAIRE:
Who currently decides? Who should? Why?
Where couple live
What job husband takes
How many hours husband works
What occupation wife will do
How much time to spend together as a couple
How many children in the family
When to have children
How and when to discipline children
How much time to spend with children
How much time to spend with family/friends
When to have sexual relations
How to spend which money
When to make what major financial purchases
How much money to give to church and charity
How much time to spend in church activities
How much time to spend in community activities
How much time to spend in which personal pursuits
Where and when to go on holiday/vacation
Other…
Were most of your answers in the 1 (Husband only decides) or the 5 (Wife only decides) category?
You may be in the Tyranny Trap. You may be in the “no alternative” place because you don't know any better or because you or your spouse refuses actively or passively to share in the decision making!
What would you like to happen?
What NEEDS to happen in your marriage?
How can any change needed be begun, carried on, accelerated?
Who needs to do what?
What help might one of you need from the other?
Can you/will you ask for the help you need?
Who will you ask for the help you need?
Were most of your answers in the 3 (Both decide together) category?
Are you in the previously reviewed Togetherness Trap?
SLOW isn’t it?
This category is good for decisions affecting you both very much.
Have you relegated as many of your decisions as possible to the 1, 2, 4, and 5 categories? (cautious with 1 and 5 though!)
“By so doing, you may be adding some oil to what otherwise might be a rusty marital relationship.” Says Dr Barlow.
How ARE we really doing?
What changes do we NEED to make?
In WHO'S opinion?
WHY?
Another help in “checking and balancing” is the CONTEMPLATED way of making decisions:
Is what I/we are deciding to do:
1. In harmony with the TEN COMMANDMENTS test – the Law?
2. In harmony with the GOLDEN RULE test – do unto others as you would have them do unto you?
3. In harmony with the JESUS’ NEW COMMANDMENT test – love one another as I have loved you?
4. In harmony with the CONSEQUENCES test – is it hurtful/helpful to me and others?
5. In harmony with the PUBLICITY test – would I be ashamed if others knew about the way I decided?
6. In harmony with the RESPECTED PEOPLE test – Would one I respect sustain me in this thing?
7. In harmony with the UNIVERSALITY test – would the world be better/worse if everyone did as I do?
8. In harmony with the PROJECTED RETROSPECT test – Will I be pleased later with my decision now?
9. In harmony with the JESUS’ EXAMPLE test – Is this the way Jesus would do it if he were me now?
10. In harmony with the SELF-LOVE test – If I do this will I be caring for myself as well as the other/s?
11. In harmony with the CONSCIENCE test – Will I feel regret or gratitude later?
“The next time you or your spouse confront a major decision, why not apply these eleven tests to your options? It may help you in getting out of the tyranny trap and result in excellent decisions.” Dr Barlow
Dear Friend
Here’s a trap thatwe sometimes fall into…Explore again with Dr Brent A Barrow (“Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to avoid them”) and me:
The Tyranny Trap
The TYRANNY TRAP:
The tendency of one marriage partner to exercise too much power or control in decision making.
Tyranny: Arbitrary or unrestrained exercise of power; despotic abuse of authority
Question: Should the man be the head of the house?
In what way should the man be/not be the head of the house?
Here are some types of “heads”:
The King;
Benevolent Dictator;
Impasse Arbitrator;
Mayor/Political Boss;
Chairman of the Board;
Limited Partnership;
Guide/Scout;
The Bishop/Pastor;
The Servant of All.
If you look up some of these words in a dictionary you’ll probably have an interesting additional exercise.
Question:
Which of these styles would result in "mirages" and "assumptions" and "stereotypes"?
For whom? In what way? When?
Which of these styles will be "good" and "true" and "useful" and "genuinely problem solving"?
For whom? In what way? When?
You are more likely to be in the Tyranny Trap
1. If there is an imbalance in your decision making
2. If you are more concerned with "who decides" than "what is decided"
How to get out of the Tyranny Trap: LDS - Let"s Do Something!
Question:
Who currently makes most of which decisions in your household?
Use this 1 - 5 scale in answering the QUESTIONAIRE:
1. Husband only decides
2. Husband decides after consulting with wife
3. Both decide together
4. Wife decides after consulting with husband
5. Wife only decides
Do the following QUESTIONAIRE individually.
Discuss together periodically if/when you can:
The QUESTIONAIRE:
Who currently decides? Who should? Why?
Where couple live
What job husband takes
How many hours husband works
What occupation wife will do
How much time to spend together as a couple
How many children in the family
When to have children
How and when to discipline children
How much time to spend with children
How much time to spend with family/friends
When to have sexual relations
How to spend which money
When to make what major financial purchases
How much money to give to church and charity
How much time to spend in church activities
How much time to spend in community activities
How much time to spend in which personal pursuits
Where and when to go on holiday/vacation
Other…
Were most of your answers in the 1 (Husband only decides) or the 5 (Wife only decides) category?
You may be in the Tyranny Trap. You may be in the “no alternative” place because you don't know any better or because you or your spouse refuses actively or passively to share in the decision making!
What would you like to happen?
What NEEDS to happen in your marriage?
How can any change needed be begun, carried on, accelerated?
Who needs to do what?
What help might one of you need from the other?
Can you/will you ask for the help you need?
Who will you ask for the help you need?
Were most of your answers in the 3 (Both decide together) category?
Are you in the previously reviewed Togetherness Trap?
SLOW isn’t it?
This category is good for decisions affecting you both very much.
Have you relegated as many of your decisions as possible to the 1, 2, 4, and 5 categories? (cautious with 1 and 5 though!)
“By so doing, you may be adding some oil to what otherwise might be a rusty marital relationship.” Says Dr Barlow.
How ARE we really doing?
What changes do we NEED to make?
In WHO'S opinion?
WHY?
Another help in “checking and balancing” is the CONTEMPLATED way of making decisions:
Is what I/we are deciding to do:
1. In harmony with the TEN COMMANDMENTS test – the Law?
2. In harmony with the GOLDEN RULE test – do unto others as you would have them do unto you?
3. In harmony with the JESUS’ NEW COMMANDMENT test – love one another as I have loved you?
4. In harmony with the CONSEQUENCES test – is it hurtful/helpful to me and others?
5. In harmony with the PUBLICITY test – would I be ashamed if others knew about the way I decided?
6. In harmony with the RESPECTED PEOPLE test – Would one I respect sustain me in this thing?
7. In harmony with the UNIVERSALITY test – would the world be better/worse if everyone did as I do?
8. In harmony with the PROJECTED RETROSPECT test – Will I be pleased later with my decision now?
9. In harmony with the JESUS’ EXAMPLE test – Is this the way Jesus would do it if he were me now?
10. In harmony with the SELF-LOVE test – If I do this will I be caring for myself as well as the other/s?
11. In harmony with the CONSCIENCE test – Will I feel regret or gratitude later?
“The next time you or your spouse confront a major decision, why not apply these eleven tests to your options? It may help you in getting out of the tyranny trap and result in excellent decisions.” Dr Barlow
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