Watch yourself: Almost all the time no agression, no condescension needed - YOU will merely be, and look, unbecoming.
Advice-givers usually have the very best of intentions, lack boundaries and skill.
When confronted by an advice-giver, try one of these diffusers:
Thanks for telling me.
I have to go right now.
We will need to talk another time.
You’re my man/girl/father-/mother-figure!
Watch this space… I haven't decided yet how I will handle this.
I’ve never done what you suggest before, and I’m not about to start now.
So… If you were me… you would do this differently…
So, if you were me… your decision would be easy.
I hadn’t thought of that perspective – thank you for sharing it with me.
Thank you for your opinion. I know you wouldn’t have told me if you didn’t care for me.
Thank you for your comments. I will consider them before I make my decision.
Thank you for your point of view. I promise to think about it.
Thank you for caring to share. I will think about what you have said.
Thank you for telling me. I will take your point of view into consideration.
I am not at “Yes” yet. I will go away and think about what you have told me now.
I haven’t made my decision yet – I will add this to the information I have so far. Thank you.
Say no more… I get you. Thanks for telling me.
This is another angle to consider - thank you.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Stop Your Arguments - It Takes Two to Argue
“Argument Stopping Statements”
- help me live a more dignified life.
- help me avoid becoming aggressive.
- protect me from becoming a push-over.
- help me be friendly/firm and fair to me as well as to you.
- help me solve my/my-part-of our problems.
- help dissipate negative energy
Accompany these statements with a “cool-loving” or “warm coolth”, steadfastness in your face and body and voice.
Look the other person bravely and confidently (not challengingly) in the eye.
Remember to breathe: difficult, scary, unfamiliar situations need oxygen-rich blood flowing through your brain and body.
Become well-versed with these statements. They will help you over and over again.
Add to this argument stopping tool-box from your own experience and resources.
Practice lots.
Get help from someone more skilled than you both if you need it.
Oh?
Oh…
Ah…
Wow… Phew… Sigh…
Oh my…
Really?
That’s interesting…
I need to think about that.
You are right… I am not perfect yet.
Other aspects of me are more excellent than what you mention – thank you for telling me.
Please be patient with me – I am a ‘work in progress’.
Oh. Thank you for telling me.
I guess you love/respect/appreciate me for some of my other qualities!
I have carefully listened to you. This is how I see it from my point of view… Your turn to listen to me…
I am unsettled now – it’s time for me to withdraw for a while and think about this. I’ll get back to you.
My feathers are getting ruffled. Three deep breaths… OK… now you can carry on…
My inner dragon is stirring… I need to take a ‘time out’ for a while.
My inner dragon is starting to breathe fire. Excuse me while I spend some quality time with him/her.
I feel my inner witch awakening. I need to take time to reassure/listen to him/her…
I can see you feel strongly about this… really strongly… passionately…
Please tell me how you arrived at that conclusion…
I appreciate your willingness/capacity to let me know. Thank you.
Thanks for telling me. I’ll think about what you have said.
We’ll get through this. We deserve better than this… we’ll get there - together.
I’m sorry we don’t see eye to eye on this issue… yet. Perhaps we never will…
As we keep talking we will talk our way into winning for each, and both, of us…
I am not at “Yes” /“No” yet. Please keep talking… Carry on some more…
You are right!
You have a point there…
I see that is one point of view…
That is your point of view… Hold on I want to write down your view so I can think about it.
I’m beginning to see where you are coming from… Tell me more...
Ah… I see what you mean…
I wish more people had your enthusiasm about this.
You are passionate about this.
That is well-expressed. I’ll think about what you have said.
This really deserves some deep thought from me.
I want to be sure I understand you. Please tell me again.
Tell me more… and then?… what did you see/hear/think?…
Don’t stop in the middle of your story… carry on…
We agree on other things. We can’t agree on this yet. Perhaps we never will – So be it.
So… you and I see things differently. I can live with that. Peacefully.
We will need to agree to disagree. Agreeably.
Love you/Respect you! Not going to fight with you on this one!
Not going to fight with you any more. Hurts me/us too much. I love/respect you too much.
Peace, my love/friend… We can get back to this if/when we need to.
God loves you. I love you. He made us both. We are both worthwhile. We can/will get through this…
Thursday, October 9, 2008
The Box Exercise
Get two smallish boxes - decorate them both beautifully: one in dark, the other in light colours.
Each answer the following questions. Put your answer on pieces of paper - one per answer.
What have been my greatest joys in the past?
What are among my greatest joys right now?
What joys am I looking forward to in my future?
What have been my worst fears in my past?
What are my greatest fears right now?
What do I imagine will be some of my greatest fears in my future?
What helped me to feel peaceful in my past?
What promotes peaceful feelings in my life right now?
What might bring me peacefulness in my future?
What angered me in my past?
What angers me now?
What is likely to anger me in my years ahead?
When did I feel competent, confident, cheerful, in the past?
What are my experiences of feeling powerful in my present?
What are likely to be the reasons I might feel accepted and respected in my future?
What setbacks have I had in my past?
What setbacks have I had in the recent past or am I experiencing right now?
What setbacks might I have to deal with in my future?
Sort your answers into the two boxes:
Light and lovely recordings into the light box, dark and difficult recordings into the other.
When you want to, or when you need to, take out one of the slips in the box the opposite of what you are feeling right now.
If you are feeling gloomy, take out a slip of paper in the light and bright box; if you are feeling really chuffed with yourself, draw a slip from the darkly beautiful box.
Ask yourself:
What can I do about this?
Does this have any message for me right now?
Write your answers on another piece of paper and put the two together in your couple journal or scrapbook.
Decorate with drawings, photos, cuttings or words, whatever feels right to you.
Add to the boxes when you want to.
You do not have to deal with or process most things right away - do it when you feel able to, or need to.
Do the work with a professional if necessary.
"The headlines are screaming… These are the conditions under which we live… They do not define our life."
What helps me live my best way possible in my marriage for now - day to day, hour by hour?
Be realistic and practical.
"Try a little scrubbing to relieve your discontent when necessary. The bathroom or kitchen will be cleaner"
"Keep a lid on your individual (and collective) temper and self pity."
Write the miserable story on a piece of paper and put it in the dark box.
Acknowledge dark and light in your life.
Deal with the dark as well as the light when it is appropriate and when it suits you.
Ask for help, and get it. We all get stuck in the "moods" and "mud" or the "glitz" and "glory" of life at times.
With thanks to A. van Dyk for some of the ideas - The "Saturday Star"
Each answer the following questions. Put your answer on pieces of paper - one per answer.
What have been my greatest joys in the past?
What are among my greatest joys right now?
What joys am I looking forward to in my future?
What have been my worst fears in my past?
What are my greatest fears right now?
What do I imagine will be some of my greatest fears in my future?
What helped me to feel peaceful in my past?
What promotes peaceful feelings in my life right now?
What might bring me peacefulness in my future?
What angered me in my past?
What angers me now?
What is likely to anger me in my years ahead?
When did I feel competent, confident, cheerful, in the past?
What are my experiences of feeling powerful in my present?
What are likely to be the reasons I might feel accepted and respected in my future?
What setbacks have I had in my past?
What setbacks have I had in the recent past or am I experiencing right now?
What setbacks might I have to deal with in my future?
Sort your answers into the two boxes:
Light and lovely recordings into the light box, dark and difficult recordings into the other.
When you want to, or when you need to, take out one of the slips in the box the opposite of what you are feeling right now.
If you are feeling gloomy, take out a slip of paper in the light and bright box; if you are feeling really chuffed with yourself, draw a slip from the darkly beautiful box.
Ask yourself:
What can I do about this?
Does this have any message for me right now?
Write your answers on another piece of paper and put the two together in your couple journal or scrapbook.
Decorate with drawings, photos, cuttings or words, whatever feels right to you.
Add to the boxes when you want to.
You do not have to deal with or process most things right away - do it when you feel able to, or need to.
Do the work with a professional if necessary.
"The headlines are screaming… These are the conditions under which we live… They do not define our life."
What helps me live my best way possible in my marriage for now - day to day, hour by hour?
Be realistic and practical.
"Try a little scrubbing to relieve your discontent when necessary. The bathroom or kitchen will be cleaner"
"Keep a lid on your individual (and collective) temper and self pity."
Write the miserable story on a piece of paper and put it in the dark box.
Acknowledge dark and light in your life.
Deal with the dark as well as the light when it is appropriate and when it suits you.
Ask for help, and get it. We all get stuck in the "moods" and "mud" or the "glitz" and "glory" of life at times.
With thanks to A. van Dyk for some of the ideas - The "Saturday Star"
Sunday, October 5, 2008
The Television Trap
Number 12 of this series of 12:
Dear Friends
For the last time in this series we pause to consider a trap with Dr Brent A Barlow:
The Television Trap
The excessive viewing of meaningless and improper television programmes during hours that could be put to better use.
TELEVISION – The broadcasting of a still or moving image via waves to receivers that project it on a picture tube or screen for viewing at a distance from the point of origin.
There are many fine programmes that have enriched our lives as well as our marriages and families. There is so much of worth to enjoy and to learn in the world and television brings it right into our homes.
The sign Dr Barlow would like to see on every television set when it is sold:
"CAUTION: THE MISUSE OF THIS PRODUCT COULD BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR MARRIAGE!"
1. Television can rob us of time that could and should be used in more worthwhile pursuits: talking, reading, learning, hobbies, recreation.
2. Television is instrumental in attitude formation. What messages are being sent about marriage and families?
3. Television conveys some interesting role models in marriage and family life. Television can also be highly influential in determining marital expectations. Television relationships usually end in one of the 4 D’s: divorce, desertion, disillusionment and death. Is this what you want for your marriage? How will you find out another better way if the most frequent role models you see end up this way?
4. Television makes us all, young and old alike, less sensitive to violence and pain. Question: Is the violence we see on TV contributing to the increasing violence we detect in families?
5. Television viewing disrupts family schedules. Because viewing habits differ, we end up with one or the others watching television and reduced all-together family time. Television affects the time we go to bed at night and the time we wake up in the morning in many homes. Television has likely affected our husband/wife intimate times together as well.
6. Television can sell us a life style. “Unfortunately too many people exist on a mental diet of television, motion pictures… and sick publications… I consider most of what we have available as ‘junk food’ that leads to mental malnutrition and poor emotional and spiritual health” - Dr Denis Waitley
Television is actually an extraordinary invention that should greatly improve our lives.
“Much of television exposes us to antisocial behaviour performed by the incompetent, the uncouth and the insane. At the other extreme are the superheroes with unnatural strength and superhuman abilities, who are beautiful and handsome. When average individuals compare themselves to their TV heroes, they usually see themselves as inadequate…” Dr Barlow
How to get out of THE TELEVISION TRAP
LDS Let’s Do Something… Today.
Monitor YOUR viewing times per day for a week.
If you are watching more than 4 hours per day you may be ensnared in the Television Trap.
Many of us are truly addicted to TV viewing.
Simply control your viewing. Decide what you can/should do without.
Read the television guide and decide what you are going to watch.
Watch what you decided to watch and switch the television off.
There can be an enormously exhilarating feeling of success, competence and power in simply pressing the OFF button of the television or remote...
If television viewing is difficult for you to control, you might put yourselves more often in environments where there is no television until you learn to develop more self-control.
“I am willing to bet that if television viewing were cut in half, no one would suffer markedly. That would leave us time for talking, planning, enjoying each other’s company. Most of us simply watch too much television.”
Be selective. Watch the best. All this that we may “become aware and prepared in all things”.
Dear Friends
For the last time in this series we pause to consider a trap with Dr Brent A Barlow:
The Television Trap
The excessive viewing of meaningless and improper television programmes during hours that could be put to better use.
TELEVISION – The broadcasting of a still or moving image via waves to receivers that project it on a picture tube or screen for viewing at a distance from the point of origin.
There are many fine programmes that have enriched our lives as well as our marriages and families. There is so much of worth to enjoy and to learn in the world and television brings it right into our homes.
The sign Dr Barlow would like to see on every television set when it is sold:
"CAUTION: THE MISUSE OF THIS PRODUCT COULD BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR MARRIAGE!"
1. Television can rob us of time that could and should be used in more worthwhile pursuits: talking, reading, learning, hobbies, recreation.
2. Television is instrumental in attitude formation. What messages are being sent about marriage and families?
3. Television conveys some interesting role models in marriage and family life. Television can also be highly influential in determining marital expectations. Television relationships usually end in one of the 4 D’s: divorce, desertion, disillusionment and death. Is this what you want for your marriage? How will you find out another better way if the most frequent role models you see end up this way?
4. Television makes us all, young and old alike, less sensitive to violence and pain. Question: Is the violence we see on TV contributing to the increasing violence we detect in families?
5. Television viewing disrupts family schedules. Because viewing habits differ, we end up with one or the others watching television and reduced all-together family time. Television affects the time we go to bed at night and the time we wake up in the morning in many homes. Television has likely affected our husband/wife intimate times together as well.
6. Television can sell us a life style. “Unfortunately too many people exist on a mental diet of television, motion pictures… and sick publications… I consider most of what we have available as ‘junk food’ that leads to mental malnutrition and poor emotional and spiritual health” - Dr Denis Waitley
Television is actually an extraordinary invention that should greatly improve our lives.
“Much of television exposes us to antisocial behaviour performed by the incompetent, the uncouth and the insane. At the other extreme are the superheroes with unnatural strength and superhuman abilities, who are beautiful and handsome. When average individuals compare themselves to their TV heroes, they usually see themselves as inadequate…” Dr Barlow
How to get out of THE TELEVISION TRAP
LDS Let’s Do Something… Today.
Monitor YOUR viewing times per day for a week.
If you are watching more than 4 hours per day you may be ensnared in the Television Trap.
Many of us are truly addicted to TV viewing.
Simply control your viewing. Decide what you can/should do without.
Read the television guide and decide what you are going to watch.
Watch what you decided to watch and switch the television off.
There can be an enormously exhilarating feeling of success, competence and power in simply pressing the OFF button of the television or remote...
If television viewing is difficult for you to control, you might put yourselves more often in environments where there is no television until you learn to develop more self-control.
“I am willing to bet that if television viewing were cut in half, no one would suffer markedly. That would leave us time for talking, planning, enjoying each other’s company. Most of us simply watch too much television.”
Be selective. Watch the best. All this that we may “become aware and prepared in all things”.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
The Temptation Trap
Number 11 of this series of 12 Traps:
Dear Friends
The second last trap mentioned by Dr Brent A Barlow in his book “Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and How To Avoid Them”:
The Temptation Trap
- Secret or questionable relationships with a member of the opposite sex that can lead to infidelity or adultery.
TEMPTATION:
Enticement or inducement, often through promises of pleasure or gain, to do something regarded as unwise or wrong by God, the Law of the country and sensible and responsible people.
You are undoubtedly in the Temptation Trap if you repeatedly find yourself alone with a member of the opposite sex to whom you are romantically and/or sexually attracted.
You are also in the trap/heading for the trap if another is romantically and/or sexually attracted to you.
“In several surveys, 80% or more of those questioned indicated that sexual relations with anyone other than the spouse is “always” or “almost always” wrong, inappropriate or sinful. Yet, even though the vast majority feel strongly on the subject, a large number of husbands and wives become involved in (emotional) affairs eventually leading to extramarital relations – adultery, in other words.”
How do extramarital relationships begin?
Curiosity, desire for sexual variety, boredom, a need to re-inforce self-image, a search for emotional intimacy, a desire for retaliation.
With whom do extra-marital relationships happen?
Often with another person known prior to the marriage, perhaps a former boyfriend or girlfriend.
What are the effects of extramarital relations?
85% divorce, emotional estrangement between the marriage partners, lessened sexual satisfaction within the marriage.
And what is psychic infidelity?
Continually dwelling on pleasant thoughts of a previous relationship.
Psychic Infidelity can be highly disruptive to a marriage if one is frequently thinking about former friends or wondering how a marriage to them may have been/would be “if things worked out differently”. Be careful of fanning the spark of an old or other flame. While fire may provide warmth and comfort, it can also be consuming.
“You need not try to totally forget former relationships, nor feel guilty or ashamed because of them. The time you spent together was not a lost cause even though you did not marry. You both matured a little and contributed to each other’s lives at that particular time.”
Since you did not marry the other, you would do well to reexamine your present commitment to your spouse and remember your wedding vow to "forsake all others", spiritually, mentally as well as physically. Interests and energy invested in relationships with other members of the opposite sex can, and often does, undermine your marital relationship.
Letters, photos, mementoes and gifts might need to be discarded if they are distracting and interfering with your spiritual, emotional and physical commitment to your marriage.
What should one do when your marriage partner is giving undue attention to a member of the opposite sex?
Dr James Dobson suggests that Love must be Tough.
1. DECLARE to your wayward spouse your dissatisfaction. Be specific and neither under not over dramatize the involvement.
2. DECLARE your intent to stay in the marriage and indicate your willingness to work at the relationship under certain conditions that include a change in their involvement with the other/s.
3. DECLARE your willingness to let go of your spouse if that is what he/she desires.
“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t come back, it never was yours in the first place.” - “Love must be Tough” Dr James Dobson p 76
And what if YOU are caught in the temptation trap?
Dr Carlfred Broderick says that when one is caught in adulterous relationships there are three R’s involved:
Resentment
Rationalization
Rendezvous
“Couples” p 161
RESENTMENT:
I/You/We have not found a way yet to deal with your marital problems or resentments.
I/You/We have high expectations (realistic or not) that are unfulfilled for a long period of time.
RATIONALISATION:
I/You/We deny or refuse to acknowledge the possibility/risk of getting involved with another
I/You flirt and say “It doesn’t mean anything”
I am/You are inappropriately empathic, too compassionate, dangerously concerned with another of the opposite sex and don’t see it as a huge risk to our mariage
RENDEZVOUS:
I/You meet in unplanned places with an other
I/You systematically associate with an other
There are more frequent meetings with an other
I/You have lunch (etc) with an other
I/You invite/accept an invitation to meet an other at a particular place without spouses
I/You plan and seek the meeting opportunities with this other
Infidelity depends on a PRIVATE meeting place or an APPOINTMENT to meet.
How to get out of the TEMPTATION TRAP?
LDS – Let’s Do Something!
1. BEWARE of being caught working alone with a member of the opposite sex.
2. Rather than chase butterflies and seek happiness elsewhere, EXAMINE your present situation, LEARN to be content with the spouse you vowed to be with.
3. Actively SEEK happiness in your present relationship.
4. Look for ways to SAFELY RESTRUCTURE questionable situations
5. TAKE YOURSELF BY THE SCRUFF OF YOUR NECK and say to yourself “___________Get out of here!”
6. If necessary, SEVER the relationship and refuse to see/speak to the extra-marital other
Here’s to our LONG and More and More REWARDING covenant marital relationships!
Dear Friends
The second last trap mentioned by Dr Brent A Barlow in his book “Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and How To Avoid Them”:
The Temptation Trap
- Secret or questionable relationships with a member of the opposite sex that can lead to infidelity or adultery.
TEMPTATION:
Enticement or inducement, often through promises of pleasure or gain, to do something regarded as unwise or wrong by God, the Law of the country and sensible and responsible people.
You are undoubtedly in the Temptation Trap if you repeatedly find yourself alone with a member of the opposite sex to whom you are romantically and/or sexually attracted.
You are also in the trap/heading for the trap if another is romantically and/or sexually attracted to you.
“In several surveys, 80% or more of those questioned indicated that sexual relations with anyone other than the spouse is “always” or “almost always” wrong, inappropriate or sinful. Yet, even though the vast majority feel strongly on the subject, a large number of husbands and wives become involved in (emotional) affairs eventually leading to extramarital relations – adultery, in other words.”
How do extramarital relationships begin?
Curiosity, desire for sexual variety, boredom, a need to re-inforce self-image, a search for emotional intimacy, a desire for retaliation.
With whom do extra-marital relationships happen?
Often with another person known prior to the marriage, perhaps a former boyfriend or girlfriend.
What are the effects of extramarital relations?
85% divorce, emotional estrangement between the marriage partners, lessened sexual satisfaction within the marriage.
And what is psychic infidelity?
Continually dwelling on pleasant thoughts of a previous relationship.
Psychic Infidelity can be highly disruptive to a marriage if one is frequently thinking about former friends or wondering how a marriage to them may have been/would be “if things worked out differently”. Be careful of fanning the spark of an old or other flame. While fire may provide warmth and comfort, it can also be consuming.
“You need not try to totally forget former relationships, nor feel guilty or ashamed because of them. The time you spent together was not a lost cause even though you did not marry. You both matured a little and contributed to each other’s lives at that particular time.”
Since you did not marry the other, you would do well to reexamine your present commitment to your spouse and remember your wedding vow to "forsake all others", spiritually, mentally as well as physically. Interests and energy invested in relationships with other members of the opposite sex can, and often does, undermine your marital relationship.
Letters, photos, mementoes and gifts might need to be discarded if they are distracting and interfering with your spiritual, emotional and physical commitment to your marriage.
What should one do when your marriage partner is giving undue attention to a member of the opposite sex?
Dr James Dobson suggests that Love must be Tough.
1. DECLARE to your wayward spouse your dissatisfaction. Be specific and neither under not over dramatize the involvement.
2. DECLARE your intent to stay in the marriage and indicate your willingness to work at the relationship under certain conditions that include a change in their involvement with the other/s.
3. DECLARE your willingness to let go of your spouse if that is what he/she desires.
“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t come back, it never was yours in the first place.” - “Love must be Tough” Dr James Dobson p 76
And what if YOU are caught in the temptation trap?
Dr Carlfred Broderick says that when one is caught in adulterous relationships there are three R’s involved:
Resentment
Rationalization
Rendezvous
“Couples” p 161
RESENTMENT:
I/You/We have not found a way yet to deal with your marital problems or resentments.
I/You/We have high expectations (realistic or not) that are unfulfilled for a long period of time.
RATIONALISATION:
I/You/We deny or refuse to acknowledge the possibility/risk of getting involved with another
I/You flirt and say “It doesn’t mean anything”
I am/You are inappropriately empathic, too compassionate, dangerously concerned with another of the opposite sex and don’t see it as a huge risk to our mariage
RENDEZVOUS:
I/You meet in unplanned places with an other
I/You systematically associate with an other
There are more frequent meetings with an other
I/You have lunch (etc) with an other
I/You invite/accept an invitation to meet an other at a particular place without spouses
I/You plan and seek the meeting opportunities with this other
Infidelity depends on a PRIVATE meeting place or an APPOINTMENT to meet.
How to get out of the TEMPTATION TRAP?
LDS – Let’s Do Something!
1. BEWARE of being caught working alone with a member of the opposite sex.
2. Rather than chase butterflies and seek happiness elsewhere, EXAMINE your present situation, LEARN to be content with the spouse you vowed to be with.
3. Actively SEEK happiness in your present relationship.
4. Look for ways to SAFELY RESTRUCTURE questionable situations
5. TAKE YOURSELF BY THE SCRUFF OF YOUR NECK and say to yourself “___________Get out of here!”
6. If necessary, SEVER the relationship and refuse to see/speak to the extra-marital other
Here’s to our LONG and More and More REWARDING covenant marital relationships!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
The Touch Trap
Number 10 of this series of 12 Traps:
Dear Friends
Here is the next of the Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to get out of it according to Dr Brent Barlow:
The Touch Trap
= the absence of touch in a marital relationship other than for routine sexual relations
Touch: The act of bringing a bodily part into contact with something so as to feel it;
handling or feeling gently, usually with the intent to understand or appreciate.
“It seems that a great many wives feel that (emotional) intimacy, touch, and closeness may be more desirable than sexual relationships. A great many husbands today, however, can only be intimate through sexual interaction (physical intimacy). Some men would do well to rethink and relearn their concept of touch and closeness. By so doing, they would be taking an important step out of the touch trap… Shared closeness (emotional intimacy) may be attained in a variety of ways which include, but are not limited to, sexual intimacy.”
“Why is touch so difficult? Many studies have observed that young infants… can actually die from lack of touch. If young children literally need touch to stay alive, perhaps we never outgrow our need for touch as adults. Marital lack of touch can spell death to a marriage. Rekindling touch can save a starved marriage.”
“I am interested in the trend of marriages becoming nontactual after several years of matrimony. Many couples seldom touch each other more than what is needed for routine sexual relationships.” says Dr Barlow. (emphasis added)
“Touch is obviously an important part of the sexual act as well.” He adds. “We are well aware of the love, intimacy, and joy that can come to a married couple when this particular dimension of the marital relationship is nurtured”.
It is interesting to note that the words sex or sexuality do not appear in the scriptures. The same process is described in holy writ with the words know or knew. “Adam knew his wife and she conceived. Cain knew his wife and she conceived and bare Enoch. And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth.” (Gen 4:1, 17, 25) The biblical wording of “knowing” or “becoming acquainted with” is a beautiful way to describe the oneness a husband and wife may attain in marriage through the sexual act.
“All the enduring values of life are heightened, taking on an added significance, when sex functions in its normal ways.” Roy Welker.
How to get out of THE TOUCH TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something…
Touch your spouse non-demandingly
as opportunity arises, every day.
Non-demanding touch:
“stand-next-to” or “from-behind” touch.
Eg:
arm around shoulder in passing
a light passing touch on the arm or the shoulder/s
pat on the back
back rub
side-to-side (or from-the-back) brief hug
lightly touching hair or ear or nape of neck or side of face
lightly kissing from standing at the side/back of the person
Touch that is given to the other person
Touch that expects no reciprocation or response
of any kind in return.
Demanding touch:
“face to face” touch.
Eg:
kiss
holding hands
front-to-front hug
sexual intimacy
any touch that expects a response from the recipient
Demanding touch is also “rough touch”
squeezing, gripping, shaking and worse
touch accompanied by harsh voice or look (intimidating)
This touch is hard, and often impossible, to live with.
This touch is a breach of trust and confidence in a relationship.
This touch can be hard to forgive in a marriage.
“If I could encourage married couples to do just one thing to maintain or improve their relationships, I think I would suggest developing the skill of touch. Touch is one of the most significant forms of communication we have. Obviously, the absence of touch often communicates disinterest or lack of caring.” Muses Dr Barlow.
I challenge you to DO IT! A parched, touch-deprived relationship can become rewarding and flourishing in a surprisingly short time. It’s a miracle I love to see happening.
Dear Friends
Here is the next of the Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to get out of it according to Dr Brent Barlow:
The Touch Trap
= the absence of touch in a marital relationship other than for routine sexual relations
Touch: The act of bringing a bodily part into contact with something so as to feel it;
handling or feeling gently, usually with the intent to understand or appreciate.
“It seems that a great many wives feel that (emotional) intimacy, touch, and closeness may be more desirable than sexual relationships. A great many husbands today, however, can only be intimate through sexual interaction (physical intimacy). Some men would do well to rethink and relearn their concept of touch and closeness. By so doing, they would be taking an important step out of the touch trap… Shared closeness (emotional intimacy) may be attained in a variety of ways which include, but are not limited to, sexual intimacy.”
“Why is touch so difficult? Many studies have observed that young infants… can actually die from lack of touch. If young children literally need touch to stay alive, perhaps we never outgrow our need for touch as adults. Marital lack of touch can spell death to a marriage. Rekindling touch can save a starved marriage.”
“I am interested in the trend of marriages becoming nontactual after several years of matrimony. Many couples seldom touch each other more than what is needed for routine sexual relationships.” says Dr Barlow. (emphasis added)
“Touch is obviously an important part of the sexual act as well.” He adds. “We are well aware of the love, intimacy, and joy that can come to a married couple when this particular dimension of the marital relationship is nurtured”.
It is interesting to note that the words sex or sexuality do not appear in the scriptures. The same process is described in holy writ with the words know or knew. “Adam knew his wife and she conceived. Cain knew his wife and she conceived and bare Enoch. And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth.” (Gen 4:1, 17, 25) The biblical wording of “knowing” or “becoming acquainted with” is a beautiful way to describe the oneness a husband and wife may attain in marriage through the sexual act.
“All the enduring values of life are heightened, taking on an added significance, when sex functions in its normal ways.” Roy Welker.
How to get out of THE TOUCH TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something…
Touch your spouse non-demandingly
as opportunity arises, every day.
Non-demanding touch:
“stand-next-to” or “from-behind” touch.
Eg:
arm around shoulder in passing
a light passing touch on the arm or the shoulder/s
pat on the back
back rub
side-to-side (or from-the-back) brief hug
lightly touching hair or ear or nape of neck or side of face
lightly kissing from standing at the side/back of the person
Touch that is given to the other person
Touch that expects no reciprocation or response
of any kind in return.
Demanding touch:
“face to face” touch.
Eg:
kiss
holding hands
front-to-front hug
sexual intimacy
any touch that expects a response from the recipient
Demanding touch is also “rough touch”
squeezing, gripping, shaking and worse
touch accompanied by harsh voice or look (intimidating)
This touch is hard, and often impossible, to live with.
This touch is a breach of trust and confidence in a relationship.
This touch can be hard to forgive in a marriage.
“If I could encourage married couples to do just one thing to maintain or improve their relationships, I think I would suggest developing the skill of touch. Touch is one of the most significant forms of communication we have. Obviously, the absence of touch often communicates disinterest or lack of caring.” Muses Dr Barlow.
I challenge you to DO IT! A parched, touch-deprived relationship can become rewarding and flourishing in a surprisingly short time. It’s a miracle I love to see happening.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
The Tension Trap
Number 9 of this series of 12 Traps:
Dear Friends
The 9th Trap discussed by Dr Barlow in his book “Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to get out of them” is
The Tension Trap
= participation in too many stress-producing projects or activities.
Tension: Mental or emotional strain; suspense, anxiety, or excitement; pressure.
“I don’t know if your marriage is like ours, but it seems that my wife and I undergo a great deal of tension” starts Dr Barlow.
Some of it is external – over which we have no control.
Some of it we have a part in: beginning new projects; and also taking a long time to finish them. “Be careful not to start projects you can't finish”.
Life often follows and re-follows the pattern:
Beginnings; Preparation; Establishment; Chaos; Stability.
There’s potential for tension of one kind or another in each of the phases.
Children can be a source of tension… when they are there we experience “chaos” often!
Chaos is stressful for some people.
Lack of chaos is stressful for others.
Which type are you?
“No children” can also be stressful for some.
Here’s a sign seen:
“A mother’s place is in the home… and so is the father’s!”
What does being at home do to your level of stress?
What might you do differently that perhaps could be better?
Other sources of stress:
“The Patti Perfect Syndrome” or the
“The Paul Perfect Syndrome”
Do you try to be perfect at everything you do, all the time, and expect everyone around you to do the same?
Any part of that is a sure-fire recipe for increasingly unbearable tension.
Also the lack of striving is tension producing in many people…
Where is YOUR balance?
Where would you like it to be?
Here’s another syndrome:
“The Ghandi Syndrome”
Ghandi believed that no outside help was necessary, no matter how great the need, self-healing was possible.
If you judge that self-healing is possible when it is not, or not possible when it is… whew… there’s Tension with a capital T:
especially if you judge it one way or the other for another person.
Many people mistakenly believe that mental health problems are self-healing.
How is YOUR mental health?
Here are some questions to ponder and discuss if you want to, and are able to:
Do I like and respect myself?
Do I set , myself realistic, reasonable goals to achieve?
Do I try to see things in their proper perspective?
Do I give of myself to others?
Can I understand that others have needs too?
Am I able to form close relationships with others?
Am I able to endure some delay and hardship to get what I want?
Do I try to respond in a give and take manner in the face of stress?
Can I enjoy life – finding pleasure in a variety of circumstances?
Can I accept my strengths as well as my weaknesses realistically?
How to get out of THE TENSION TRAP:
LDS – yes, Let’s Do Something!
1. Develop a sense of humour
2. Cut back on some present activities (Some are stressed with too light a load – for those, increase the load for relief…)
Do you know anyone whom you admire who has an enlivening, uplifting and enriching sense of humour?
Spend time with them – ask to be their apprentice while you learn from and with them.
It’s possible to do all you want to do – just not necessarily all at the same time.
What can/do you need to cut down (or out) for this week, this month, this year, this decade – even… this life time?
How well do you know yourself and your capabilities?
Do you struggle when you should wait?
Do you wait when you should struggle?
Do you try to do what cannot be done?
Do you fight against facts of life that cannot be changed, at least for now?
“If we do not become pre-occupied with or resent the conditions in which we find ourselves, we can then focus on the areas of life in which change and improvement are possible” concludes Dr Barlow.
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom
To know the difference.
I wish you and me a less tense time until next time.
Dear Friends
The 9th Trap discussed by Dr Barlow in his book “Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to get out of them” is
The Tension Trap
= participation in too many stress-producing projects or activities.
Tension: Mental or emotional strain; suspense, anxiety, or excitement; pressure.
“I don’t know if your marriage is like ours, but it seems that my wife and I undergo a great deal of tension” starts Dr Barlow.
Some of it is external – over which we have no control.
Some of it we have a part in: beginning new projects; and also taking a long time to finish them. “Be careful not to start projects you can't finish”.
Life often follows and re-follows the pattern:
Beginnings; Preparation; Establishment; Chaos; Stability.
There’s potential for tension of one kind or another in each of the phases.
Children can be a source of tension… when they are there we experience “chaos” often!
Chaos is stressful for some people.
Lack of chaos is stressful for others.
Which type are you?
“No children” can also be stressful for some.
Here’s a sign seen:
“A mother’s place is in the home… and so is the father’s!”
What does being at home do to your level of stress?
What might you do differently that perhaps could be better?
Other sources of stress:
“The Patti Perfect Syndrome” or the
“The Paul Perfect Syndrome”
Do you try to be perfect at everything you do, all the time, and expect everyone around you to do the same?
Any part of that is a sure-fire recipe for increasingly unbearable tension.
Also the lack of striving is tension producing in many people…
Where is YOUR balance?
Where would you like it to be?
Here’s another syndrome:
“The Ghandi Syndrome”
Ghandi believed that no outside help was necessary, no matter how great the need, self-healing was possible.
If you judge that self-healing is possible when it is not, or not possible when it is… whew… there’s Tension with a capital T:
especially if you judge it one way or the other for another person.
Many people mistakenly believe that mental health problems are self-healing.
How is YOUR mental health?
Here are some questions to ponder and discuss if you want to, and are able to:
Do I like and respect myself?
Do I set , myself realistic, reasonable goals to achieve?
Do I try to see things in their proper perspective?
Do I give of myself to others?
Can I understand that others have needs too?
Am I able to form close relationships with others?
Am I able to endure some delay and hardship to get what I want?
Do I try to respond in a give and take manner in the face of stress?
Can I enjoy life – finding pleasure in a variety of circumstances?
Can I accept my strengths as well as my weaknesses realistically?
How to get out of THE TENSION TRAP:
LDS – yes, Let’s Do Something!
1. Develop a sense of humour
2. Cut back on some present activities (Some are stressed with too light a load – for those, increase the load for relief…)
Do you know anyone whom you admire who has an enlivening, uplifting and enriching sense of humour?
Spend time with them – ask to be their apprentice while you learn from and with them.
It’s possible to do all you want to do – just not necessarily all at the same time.
What can/do you need to cut down (or out) for this week, this month, this year, this decade – even… this life time?
How well do you know yourself and your capabilities?
Do you struggle when you should wait?
Do you wait when you should struggle?
Do you try to do what cannot be done?
Do you fight against facts of life that cannot be changed, at least for now?
“If we do not become pre-occupied with or resent the conditions in which we find ourselves, we can then focus on the areas of life in which change and improvement are possible” concludes Dr Barlow.
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom
To know the difference.
I wish you and me a less tense time until next time.
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