The Drama Triangle

What is going on at psychological levels between you and your spouse?

What is really going on between you and each of your children?

Steven Karpman (Transactional Analysis practitioner) devised a simple yet powerful diagram to help us understand our relationships with some people. He called it THE DRAMA TRIANGLE. He suggests that we can frequently take on one of the roles of the Drama Triangle - if we are less aware!

Imagine an upside-down triangle with the two top angles being labelled Persecutor and Rescuer, and the bottom angle being labelled Victim...

DRAMA TRIANGLE ROLES:

Persecutor - either active (shouting/hitting) or passive (withdrawing/not speaking)
Rescuer
Victim

Can you "see" the part YOU play in this Drama Triangle?

Identify your favourite role.
Identify what roles you think the others in your life are playing.
Identify when YOU choose to play a complementary role.
Identify when you are "sucked into" a complementary role.
Identify who starts the "play".
Identify what happens as the "play" plays out.
Identify how your "play" ends.

Here is what you might try when you identify what you are doing in a "Drama Triangle Play":

Simply refuse to carry on "acting" whichever part you are playing.
Simply STOP. Say "Whoops! - time to think!" if you want to.
Simply be quiet. Say "I'm pausing to think." if you want to.
Simply look. Listen. Think. Decide. "What is going on here?!"
Simply notice what is happening here - "What is happening?"

DO NOT label the behaviour of any others to them.
THINK about the "players", do not openly label them.

The player with the most power to change things in the Drama Triangle interactions is the Victim.

A Persecutor sees the other/s as "Less Than" and persecutes them - A Persecutor sees others as being "one-down" compared to him.
A Persecutor (Active or Passive) ignores the dignity, value and uniqueness of the other/s in her life.

A Rescuer views himself as "More Than" the other/s.
A Rescuer offers/forces his "help" from his "one-up" position.
"I have to help you because you are not good enough/smart enough tohelp yourself".
A Rescuer ignores the ability of other people to think and act on their own initiative.

A Victim sees herself (or allow other people to see her) in a "one-down" position.
Sometimes a Victim subtly seeks a Persecutor to put her down and push her around.
Sometimes a Victim naively seeks a Rescuer who will offer help and confirm her Victim beliefs "I can't cope on my own." "You know more than I do." "There is nothing I can do to get out of this."
A Victim ignores her own dignity, value and iniative - She sees herself as someone worthy of no more than rejection and belittling. She sees herself as in need of help in order to think straight, act, or make decisions.

See if this fits for you:

"I step into the Drama Triangle by taking on one of the roles and inviting others to take on a reciprocal/complementary role; or I am invited into the Drama Triangle by someone else who initiates the "DRAMA". This happens without my (or usually their) awareness."

(We learnt our habitual roles in the homes of our childhood where the roles were one of our means of survival in our circumstances there, 'favourable' or 'unfavourable'.")

You can know you/or another have/has stepped into A Drama Triangle by one or more of these five identifying factors:

1 Repetition: What is happening (or is going to happen) is repetitive. It has happened before and will follow the same pattern as before and next time too. "Here I go again! Why do I/we keep doing this?!"

2 Two levels: One level is the apparent level: the social level - the "act" what shows to observers. The other level is the psychological level - the unseen, the "real" level. Two different levels of communication are going on at the same time. Mixed messages (both ways) are in abundance - this is like a "soap opera!".

3 Feel bad: The end of the Drama, which may be short or long in duration, is that I, and sometimes/often, you and any others involved, feel a familiar, unsatisfying, frustrating and frustrated "bad" feeling... again!

4 The "Switch"/Surprise: The Drama Triangle always includes "the switch". This is a moment of confusion and unpleasant surprise. At this point you have the sensation that something lousily unexpected has happened - again. The role players have switched roles. "I was playing the Victim/Persecutor/Rescuer, now I am in another of the roles! What happened?!" "He was persecuting me, now he is so nice to me! What happened?!" "She was so helpful to me, now she is expecting me to help her! What happened?!""

5 The problem is not solved - again!: It was not solved in the past. There is now another problem that is being added to our growing heap of previously unsolved problems.There are real persecutors, rescuers and victims in the world. The Persecutors, Rescuers and Victims involved in The Drama Triangle are not really persecutors, rescuers and victims - they are taking on a role, playing a part - they are like actors in a play, following a script, and finding that they are no different after the "play" than before the DRAMA, neither has progress been made in solving any problem - in fact another problem is added.

Why do we enter into The Drama Triangle dynamics?
It is no fun.

We do it because we unconsciously learnt how to do it to get what we needed when we were children. "Playing our Part" worked then, in the family that we were in at that time. The problem is that we are no longer the 'child' in the home we were in as a child. We each are now an 'adult' in our circumstances now. Our out-dated strategies no longer are appropriate, nor problem solving, nor are they effective any more in our present day-to-day relationships and circumstances.

How do we "STOP" The Drama Triangle dynamics from playing out?

Try some of these:

As soon as you identify you are in A Drama Triangle, again!, either before the unpleasant Switch or after, choose to just step out. Simply "Stop".

Refuse to carry on your part of the "act" any longer.Please don't Persecute the others now!
Just say something like "I need to think about all this for a while."

Choose to be quiet and figure out for yourself how to get yourself "real".

Be Brave.

"If at first I don't succeed, I will try,try, try again, until I do."

If you don't know what "real" is for you, try different ways of expressing yourself until something feels really "real" to you.

When you find yourself being the Persecutor, say something like "I've been grinding at you again. I am sorry. I actually care about you. Give me a minute. I will be behaving more patiently and honestly from now on."

When you find yourself being the Rescuer try saying something like "Here I go again, I'm trying to solve your problem for you. Give me a minute... (take the time you need to figure out what you want to do or say) "What ideas have you had so far? How can I really help you?"(Just because someone ASKS for help (verbally or non-verbally), doesn't mean they actually DO need help. Perhaps you are not the one who can actually help them either...)

When you are being the Victim (the one with the greatest power to change the "Play") try something like "I have just realised that I feel /am acting helpless. When I think about it, I am not really. Let me get my brain and body out of 'neutral' or 'panic' and 'into gear', and THINK. I'll come back to you if I really am stuck and need your help. Thanks."

These Drama Triangle patterns are life-long patterns, and usually multi-generational.

They are frequently persistently resistant to change.

Every little bit of progress in stepping out of The Drama Triangles of your life will be a significant triumph."

I am moving towards more real interactions with people."

"I am moving towards more real problem solving in my life."

"I am moving towards less "feeling bad" that is unproductive."

You may 'feel (productively) bad' now as you move into these new and unfamiliar patterns.

This will lessen over time with each success you have.

Look for the support of different people whose lives are more effective, problem-solving and peaceful, as you want yours to be in future.

"I am moving towards being more honestly and openly my whole self - not operating on two levels any more in the same old, repetitive, frustrating and down-spirallingly agonising ways."

"I am moving towards having less unpleasant 'switches/surprises' in my life - and knowing what to do better."

"I am moving towards being more knowing and understanding of what is actually happening - in my interactions with the other people in my life. When I see the truth and understand it - I will be free to be my better, more peaceful 'me'".

"With vigilance and practice I can increasingly identify my own, and others', invitations into A Drama Triangle."

"I can choose (and know how to!) step out sooner."

"I can THINK and identify real needs (mine and others')."

"I can find straight, honest talk, and real ways to meet real needs."

"I will be taking a risk. I can be strong and of good courage."

"I will have to put in great effort to learn to do it."

"I will have to pause more often."

"I will have to think!"

"I will live more productively and consciously."

"I can do this! It may take me a while... but I CAN do this!"

"I will give myself this gift."

"I will ask for the help I need from those who REALLY can help me understand what is going on so that I can live more peacefully, purposefully and problem-solvingly."

Increasingly successful, continuous transforming and unfolding to you and yours, and me and mine too...