The following is a Gaslight excerpt....
The ship that found herself (1895)
Originally from The day's work (1898)
This edition from The works of Rudyard Kipling, vol. XIII, The day's work, Part 1 (1911)
by Rudyard Kipling(1865-1936)
IT was her first voyage, and though she was but a cargo-steamer of twenty-five hundred tons, she was the very best of her kind, the outcome of forty years of experiments and improvements in framework and machinery; and her designers and owner thought as much of her as though she had been the Lucania. Any one can make a floating hotel that will pay expenses, if he puts enough money into the saloon, and charges for private baths, suites of rooms, and such like; but in these days of competition and low freights every square inch of a cargo-boat must be built for cheapness, great hold-capacity, and a certain steady speed This boat was, perhaps, two hundred and forty feet long and thirty-two feet wide, with arrangements that enabled her to carry cattle on her main and sheep on her upper deck if she wanted to; but her great glory was the amount of cargo that she could store away in her holds. Her owners - they were a very well known Scotch firm — came round with her from the north, where she had been launched and christened and fitted, to Liverpool, where she was to take cargo for New York; and the owner's daughter, Miss Frazier, went to and fro on the clean decks, admiring the new paint and the brass work, and the patent winches, and particularly the strong, straight bow, over which she had cracked a bottle of champagne when she named the steamer the Dimbula. It was a beautiful September afternoon, and the boat in all her newness — she was painted lead-colour with a red funnel — looked very fine indeed. Her house-flag was flying, and her whistle from time to time acknowledged the salutes of friendly boats, who saw that she was new to the High and Narrow Seas and wished to make her welcome.
"And now," said Miss Frazier, delightedly, to the captain, "she's a real ship, isn't she? It seems only the other day father gave the order for her, and now — and now — isn't she a beauty!" The girl was proud of the firm, and talked as though she were the controlling partner.
"Oh, she's no so bad," the skipper replied cautiously. "But I'm sayin' that it takes more than christenin' to mak' a ship. In the nature o' things, Miss Frazier, if ye follow me, she's just irons and rivets and plates put into the form of a ship. She has to find herself yet."
"I thought father said she was exceptionally well found."
"So she is," said the skipper, with a laugh. "But it's this way wi' ships, Miss Frazier. She's all here, but the parrts of her have not learned to work together yet. They've had no chance."
"The engines are working beautifully. I can hear them."
"Yes, indeed. But there's more than engines to a ship. Every inch of her, ye'll understand, has to be livened up and made to work wi' its neighbour — sweetenin' her, we call it, technically."
"And how will you do it?" the girl asked.
"We can no more than drive and steer her and so forth; but if we have rough weather this trip — it's likely — she'll learn the rest by heart! For a ship, ye'll obsairve, Miss Frazier, is in no sense a reegid body closed at both ends. She's a highly complex structure o' various an' conflictin' strains, wi' tissues that must give an' tak' accordin' to her personal modulus of elasteecity." Mr. Buchanan, the chief engineer, was coming towards them. "I'm sayin' to Miss Frazier, here, that our little Dimbula has to be sweetened yet, and nothin' but a gale will do it. How's all wi' your engines, Buck?"
"Well enough — true by plumb an' rule, o' course; but there's no spontaneeity yet." He turned to the girl. "Take my word, Miss Frazier, and maybe ye'll comprehend later; even after a pretty girl's christened a ship it does not follow that there's such a thing as a ship under the men that work her."
"I was sayin' the very same, Mr. Buchanan," the skipper interrupted.
"That's more metaphysical than I can follow," said Miss Frazier, laughing.
"Why so? Ye're good Scotch, an' — I knew your mother's father, he was fra' Dumfries — ye've a vested right in metapheesics, Miss Frazier, just as ye have in the Dimbula," the engineer said.
"Eh, well, we must go down to the deep watters, an' earn Miss Frazier her deevidends. Will you not come to my cabin for tea?" said the skipper. "We'll be in dock the night, and when you're goin' back to Glasgie ye can think of us loadin' her down an' drivin' her forth — all for your sake."
In the next few days they stowed some four thousand tons dead-weight into the Dimbula, and took her out from Liverpool. As soon as she met the lift of the open water, she naturally began to talk. If you lay your ear to the side of the cabin, the next time you are in a steamer, you will hear hundreds of little voices in every direction, thrilling and buzzing, and whispering and popping, and gurgling and sobbing and squeaking exactly like a telephone in a thunder-storm. Wooden ships shriek and growl and grunt, but iron vessels throb and quiver through all their hundreds of ribs and thousands of rivets. The Dimbula was very strongly built, and every piece of her had a letter or a number, or both, to describe it; and every piece had been hammered, or forged, or rolled, or punched by man, and had lived in the roar and rattle of the shipyard for months. Therefore, every piece had its own separate voice, in exact proportion to the amount of trouble spent upon it. Cast-iron, as a rule, says very little; but mild steel plates and wrought-iron, and ribs and beams that have been much bent and welded and riveted, talk continuously. Their conversation, of course, is not half as wise as our human talk, because they are all, though they do not know it, bound down one to the other in a black darkness, where they cannot tell what is happening near them, nor what will overtake them next.
As soon as she had cleared the Irish coast, a sullen, grey-headed old wave of the Atlantic climbed leisurely over her straight bows, and, sat down on the steam-capstan used for hauling up the anchor. Now the capstan and the engine that drove it had been newly painted red and green; besides which, nobody likes being ducked.
"Don't you do that again," the capstan sputtered through the teeth of his cogs. "Hi! Where's the fellow gone?"
The wave had slouched overside with a plop and a chuckle; but "Plenty more where he came from," said a brother-wave, and went through and over the capstan, who was bolted firmly to an iron plate on the iron deck-beams below.
"Can't you keep still up there?" said the deck beams. "What's the matter with you? One minute you weigh twice as much as you ought to, and the next you don't!"
"It isn't my fault," said the capstan. "There's a green brute outside that comes and hits me on the head."
"Tell that to the shipwrights. You've been in position for months and you've never wriggled like this before. If you aren't careful you'll strain us."
"Talking of strain," said a low, rasping, unpleasant voice, "are any of you fellows — you deck-beams, we mean — aware that those exceedingly ugly knees of yours happen to be riveted into our structure — ours?"
"Who might you be?" the deck-beams inquired.
"Oh, nobody in particular," was the answer. "We're only the port and starboard upper-deck stringers; and if you persist in heaving and hiking like this, we shall be reluctantly compelled to take steps."
Now the stringers of the ship are long iron girders, so to speak, that run lengthways from stern to bow. They keep the iron frames (what are called ribs in a wooden ship) in place, and also help to hold the ends of the deck-beams, which go from side to side of the ship. Stringers always consider themselves most important, because they are so long.
"You will take steps — will you?" This was a long echoing rumble. It came from the frames — scores and scores of them, each one about eighteen inches distant from the next, and each riveted to the stringers in four places. "We think you will have a certain amount of trouble in that"; and thousands and thousands of the little rivets that held everything together whispered: "You will! You will! Stop quivering and be quiet. Hold on, brethren! Hold on! Hot Punches! What's that?"
Rivets have no teeth, so they cannot chatter with fright; but they did their best as a fluttering jar swept along the ship from stern to bow, and she shook like a rat in a terrier's mouth.
An unusually severe pitch, for the sea was rising, had lifted the big throbbing screw nearly to the surface, and it was spinning round in a kind of soda-water — half sea and half air — going much faster than was proper, because there was no deep water for it to work in. As it sank again, the engines — and they were triple expansion, three cylinders in a row-snorted through all their three pistons. "Was that a joke, you fellow outside? It's an uncommonly poor one. How are we to do our work if you fly off the handle that way?"
"I didn't fly off the handle," said the screw, twirling huskily at the end of the screw-shaft. "If I had, you'd have been scrap-iron by this time. The sea dropped away from under me, and I had nothing to catch on to. That's all."
"That's all, d'you call it!" said the thrust-block, whose business it is to take the push of the screw; for if a screw had nothing to hold it back it would crawl right into the engine-room. (It is the holding back of the screwing action that gives the drive to a ship.) "I know I do my work deep down and out of sight, but I warn you I expect justice. All I ask for is bare justice. Why can't you push steadily and evenly, instead of whizzing like a whirligig, and making me hot under all my collars!" The thrust-block had six collars, each faced with brass, and he did not wish to get them heated.
All the bearings that supported the fifty feet of screw-shaft as it ran to the stern whispered: "Justice — give us justice."
"I can only give you what I can get," the screw answered. "Look out! It's coming again!"
He rose with a roar as the Dimbula plunged, and "whack — flack — whack — whack" went the engines, furiously, for they had little to check them.
"I'm the noblest outcome of human ingenuity — Mr. Buchanan says so," squealed the high-pressure cylinder. "This is simply ridiculous!" The piston went up savagely, and choked, for half the steam behind it was mixed with dirty water. "Help! Oiler! Fitter! Stoker! Help! I'm choking," it gasped. "Never in the history of maritime invention has such a calamity overtaken one so young and strong. And if I go, who's to drive the ship?"
"Hush! oh, hush!" whispered the Steam, who, of course, had been to sea many times before. He used to spend his leisure ashore in a cloud, or a gutter, or a flower-pot, or a thunder-storm, or anywhere else where water was needed. "That's only a little priming, a little carrying-over, as they call it. It'll happen all night, on and off. I don't say it's nice, but it's the best we can do under the circumstances."
"What difference can circumstances make? I'm here to do my work — on clean, dry steam. Blow circumstances!" the cylinder roared.
"The circumstances will attend to the blowing. I've worked on the North Atlantic run a good many times — it's going to be rough before morning."
"It isn't distressingly calm now," said the extra-strong frames — they were called web-frames — in the engine-room. "There's an upward thrust that we don't understand, and there's a twist that is very bad for our brackets and diamond-plates, and there's a sort of west-northwesterly pull, that follows the twist, which seriously annoys us. We mention this because we happened to cost a good deal of money, and we feel sure that the owner would not approve of our being treated in this frivolous way."
"I'm afraid the matter is out of owner's hands for the present," said the Steam, slipping into the condenser. "You're left to your own devices till the weather betters."
"I wouldn't mind the weather," said a flat bass voice below; "it's this confounded cargo that's breaking my heart. I'm the garboard-strake, and I'm twice as thick as most of the others, and I ought to know something."
The garboard-strake is the lowest plate in the bottom of a ship, and the Dimbula's garboard-strake was nearly three-quarters of an inch mild steel.
"The sea pushes me up in a way I should never have expected," the strake grunted, "and the cargo pushes me down, and, between the two, I don't know what I'm supposed to do."
"When in doubt, hold on," rumbled the Steam, making head in the boilers.
"Yes; but there's only dark, and cold, and hurry, down here; and how do I know whether the other plates are doing their duty? Those bulwark-plates up above, I've heard, ain't more than five-sixteenths of an inch thick — scandalous, I call it."
"I agree with you," said a huge web-frame, by the main cargo-hatch. He was deeper and thicker than all the others, and curved half-way across the ship in the shape of half an arch, to support the deck where deck-beams would have been in the way of cargo coming up and down. "I work entirely unsupported, and I observe that I am the sole strength of this vessel, so far as my vision extends. The responsibility, I assure you, is enormous. I believe the money-value of the cargo is over one hundred and fifty thousand pounds. Think of that!"
"And every pound of it is dependent on my personal exertions." Here spoke a sea-valve that communicated directly with the water outside, and was seated not very far from the garboard-strake. "I rejoice to think that I am a Prince-Hyde Valve, with best Pará rubber facings. Five patents cover me — I mention this without pride — five separate and several patents, each one finer than the other. At present I am screwed fast. Should I open, you would immediately be swamped. This is incontrovertible!"
Patent things always use the longest woods they can. It is a trick that they pick up from their inventors.
"That's news," said a big centrifugal bilge-pump. "I had an idea that you were employed to clean decks and things with. At least, I've used you for that more than once. I forget the precise number, in thousands, of gallons which I am guaranteed to throw per hour; but I assure you, my complaining friends, that there is not the least danger. I alone am capable of clearing any water that may find its way here. By my Biggest Deliveries, we pitched then!"
The sea was getting up in workmanlike style. It was a dead westerly gale, blown from under a ragged opening of green sky, narrowed on all sides by fat, grey clouds; and the wind bit like pincers as it fretted the spray into lacework on the flanks of the waves.
"I tell you what it is," the foremast telephoned down its wire-stays. "I'm up here, and I can take a dispassionate view of things. There's an organised conspiracy against us. I'm sure of it, because every single one of these waves is heading directly for our bows. The whole sea is concerned in it — and so's the wind. It's awful!"
"What's awful?" said a wave, drowning the capstan for the hundredth time.
"This organised conspiracy on your part," the capstan gurgled, taking his cue from the mast.
"Organised bubbles and spindrift! There has been a depression in the Gulf of Mexico. Excuse me!" He leaped overside; but his friends took up the tale one after another.
"Which has advanced ——" That wave hove green water over the funnel.
"As far as Cape Hatteras ——" He drenched the bridge.
"And is now going out to sea — to sea — to sea!" The third went out in three surges, making a clean sweep of a boat, which turned bottom up and sank in the darkening troughs alongside, while the broken falls whipped the davits.
"That's all there is to it," seethed the white water roaring through the scuppers. "There's no animus in our proceedings. We're only meteorological corollaries."
"Is it going to get any worse?" said the bow-anchor chained down to the deck, where he could only breathe once in five minutes.
"Not knowing, can't say. Wind may blow a bit by midnight. Thanks awfully. Good-bye."
The wave that spoke so politely had travelled some distance aft, and found itself all mixed up on the deck amidships, which was a well-deck sunk between high bulwarks. One of the bulwark-plates, which was hung on hinges to open outward, had swung out, and passed the bulk of the water back to the sea again with a clean smack.
"Evidently that's what I'm made for," said the plate, closing again with a sputter of pride. "Oh, no, you don't, my friend!"
The top of a wave was trying to get in from the outside, but as the plate did not open in that direction, the defeated water spurted back.
"Not bad for five-sixteenths of an inch," said the bulwark-plate. "My work, I see, is laid down for the night"; and it began opening and shutting, as it was designed to do, with the motion of the ship.
"We are not what you might call idle," groaned all the frames together, as the Dimbula climbed a big wave, lay on her side at the top, and shot into the next hollow, twisting in the descent. A huge swell pushed up exactly under her middle, and her bow and stern hung free with nothing to support them. Then one joking wave caught her up at the bow, and another at the stern, while the rest of the water slunk away from under her just to see how she would like it; so she was held up at her two ends only, and the weight of the cargo and the machinery fell on the groaning iron keels and bilge-stringers.
"Ease off! Ease off, there!" roared the garboard-strake. "I want one-eighth of an inch fair play. D' you hear me, you rivets!"
"Ease off! Ease off!" cried the bilge-stringers. "Don't hold us so tight to the frames!"
"Ease off!" grunted the deck-beams, as the Dimbula rolled fearfully. "You've cramped our knees into the stringers, and we can't move. Ease off, you flat-headed little nuisances."
Then two converging seas hit the bows, one on each side, and fell away in torrents of streaming thunder.
"Ease off!" shouted the forward collision-bulkhead. "I want to crumple up, but I'm stiffened in every direction. Ease off, you dirty little forge-filings. Let me breathe!"
All the hundreds of plates that are riveted to the frames, and make the outside skin of every steamer, echoed the call, for each plate wanted to shift and creep a little, and each plate, according to its position, complained against the rivets.
"We can't help it! We can't help it!" they murmured in reply. "We're put here to hold you, and we're going to do it; you never pull us twice in the same direction. If you'd say what you were going to do next, we'd try to meet your views."
"As far as I could feel," said the upper-deck planking, and that was four inches thick, "every single iron near me was pushing or pulling in opposite directions. Now, what's the sense of that? My friends, let us all pull together."
"Pull any way you please," roared the funnel, "so long as you don't try your experiments on me. I need fourteen wire-ropes, all pulling in different directions, to hold me steady. Isn't that so?"
"We believe you, my boy!" whistled the funnel-stays through their clinched teeth, as they twanged in the wind from the top of the funnel to the deck.
"Nonsense! We must all pull together," the decks repeated. "Pull lengthways."
"Very good," said the stringers; "then stop pushing sideways when you get wet. Be content to run gracefully fore and aft, and curve in at the ends as we do."
"No — no curves at the end. A very slight workmanlike curve from side to side, with a good grip at each knee, and little pieces welded on," said the deck-beams.
"Fiddle!" cried the iron pillars of the deep, dark hold. "Who ever heard of curves? Stand up straight; be a perfectly round column, and carry tons of good solid weight-like that! There!" A big sea smashed on the deck above, and the pillars stiffened themselves to the load.
"Straight up and down is not bad," said the frames, who ran that way in the sides of the ship, "but you must also expand yourselves sideways. Expansion is the law of life, children. Open out! open out!"
"Come back!" said the deck-beams, savagely, as the upward heave of the sea made the frames try to open. "Come back to your bearings, you slack jawed irons!"
"Rigidity' Rigidity! Rigidity!" thumped the engines. "Absolute, unvarying rigidity — rigidity!"
"You see!" whined the rivets, in chorus. "No two of you will ever pull alike, and — and you blame it all on us. We only know how to go through a plate and bite down on both sides so that it can't, and mustn't, and sha'n't move."
"I've got one fraction of an inch play, at any rate," said the garboard-strake, triumphantly. So he had, and all the bottom of the ship felt the easier for it.
"Then we're no good," sobbed the bottom rivets. "We were ordered — we were ordered never to give; and we've given, and the sea will come in, and we'll all go to the bottom together! First we're blamed for everything unpleasant, and now we haven't the consolation of having done our work:"
"Don't say I told you," whispered the Steam, consolingly; "but, between you and me and the last cloud I came from, it was bound to happen sooner or later. You had to give a fraction, and you've given without knowing it. Now, hold on, as before."
"What's the use?" a few hundred rivets chattered. "We've given — we've given; and the sooner we confess that we can't keep the ship together, and go off our little heads, the easier it will be. No rivet forged can stand this strain."
"No one rivet was ever meant to. Share it among you," the Steam answered.
"The others can have my share. I'm going to pull out," said a rivet in one of the forward plates.
"If you go, others will follow," hissed the Steam. "There's nothing so contagious in a boat as rivets going. Why, I knew a little chap like you — he was an eighth of an inch fatter, though — on a steamer — to be sure, she was only twelve hundred tons, now I come to think of it in exactly the same place as you are. He pulled out in a bit of a bobble of a sea, not half as bad as this, and he started all his friends on the same butt-strap, and the plates opened like a furnace door, and I had to climb into the nearest fogbank, while the boat went down."
"Now that's peculiarly disgraceful," said the rivet. "Fatter than me, was he, and in a steamer not half our tonnage? Reedy little peg! I blush for the family, sir." He settled himself more firmly than ever in his place, and the Steam chuckled.
"You see," he went on, quite gravely, "a rivet, and especially a rivet in your position, is really the one indispensable part of the ship."
The Steam did not say that he had whispered the very same thing to every single piece of iron aboard. There is no sense in telling too much.
And all that while the little Dimbula pitched and chopped, and swung and slewed, and lay down as though she were going to die, and got up as though she had been stung, and threw her nose, round and round in circles half a dozen times as she dipped, for the gale was at its worst. It was inky black, in spite of the tearing white froth on the waves, and, to top everything, the rain began to fall in sheets, so that you could not see your hand before your face. This did not make much difference to the ironwork below, but it troubled the foremast a good deal.
"Now it's all finished," he said dismally. "The conspiracy is too strong for us. There is nothing left but to ——"
"Hurraar! Brrrraaah! Brrrrrrp!" roared the Steam through the fog-horn, till the decks quivered. "Don't be frightened, below. It's only me, just throwing out a few words, in case any one happens to be rolling round to-night."
"You don't mean to say there's any one except us on the sea in such weather?" said the funnel, in a husky snuffle.
"Scores of 'em," said the Steam, clearing its throat. "Rrrrrraaa! Brraaaaa! Prrrrp! It's a trifle windy up here; and, Great Boilers! how it rains!"
"We're drowning," said the scuppers. They had been doing nothing else all night, but this steady thrash of rain above them seemed to be the end of the world.
"That's all right. We'll be easier in an hour or two. First the wind and then the rain: Soon you may make sail again! Grrraaaaaah! Drrrraaaa! Drrrp! I have a notion that the sea is going down already. If it does you'll learn something about rolling. We've only pitched till now. By the way, aren't you chaps in the hold a little easier than you were?"
There was just as much groaning and straining as ever, but it was not so loud or squeaky in tone; and when the ship quivered she did not jar stiffly, like a poker hit on the floor, but gave with a supple little waggle, like a perfectly balanced golf-club.
"We have made a most amazing discovery," said the stringers, one after another. "A discovery that entirely changes the situation. We have found, for the first time in the history of ship-building, that the inward pull of the deck-beams and the outward thrust of the frames locks us, as it were, more closely in our places, and enables us to endure a strain which is entirely without parallel in the records of marine architecture."
The Steam turned a laugh quickly into a roar up the fog-horn. "What massive intellects you great stringers have," he said softly, when he had finished.
"We also," began the deck-beams, "are discoverers and geniuses. We are of opinion that the support of the hold-pillars materially helps us. We find that we lock up on them when we are subjected to a heavy and singular weight of sea above."
Here the Dimbula shot down a hollow, lying almost on her side; righting at the bottom with a wrench and a spasm.
"In these cases — are you aware of this, Steam? — the plating at the bows, and particularly at the stern — we would also mention the floors beneath us — help us to resist any tendency to spring." The frames spoke, in the solemn awed voice which people use when they have just come across something entirely new for the very first time.
"I'm only a poor puffy little flutterer," said the Steam, "but I have to stand a good deal of pressure in my business. It's all tremendously interesting. Tell us some more. You fellows are so strong."
"Watch us and you'll see," said the bow-plates, proudly. "Ready, behind there! Here's the father and mother of waves coming! Sit tight, rivets all!" A great sluicing comber thundered by, but through the scuffle and confusion the Steam could hear the low, quick cries of the ironwork as the various strains took them — cries like these: "Easy, now — easy! Now push for all your strength! Hold out! Give a fraction! Hold up! Pull in! Shove crossways! Mind the strain at the ends! Grip, now! Bite tight! Let the water get away from under and there she goes!"
The wave raced off into the darkness, shouting, "Not bad, that, if it's your first run!" and the drenched and ducked ship throbbed to the beat of the engines inside her. All three cylinders were white with the salt spray that had come down through the engine-room hatch; there was white fur on the canvas-bound steam-pipes, and even the bright-work deep below was speckled and soiled; but the cylinders had learned to make the most of steam that was half water, and were pounding along cheerfully.
"How's the noblest outcome of human ingenuity hitting it?" said the Steam, as he whirled through the engine-room.
"Nothing for nothing in this world of woe," the cylinders answered, as though they had been working for centuries, "and precious little for seventy-five pounds head. We've made two knots this last hour and a quarter! Rather humiliating for eight hundred horse-power, isn't it?"
"Well, it's better. than drifting astern, at any rate. You seem rather less — how shall I put it? — stiff in the back than you were."
"If you'd been hammered as we've been this night, you wouldn't be stiff — iff- iff, either. Theoreti — retti — retti — cally, of course, rigidity is the thing. Purrr — purr — practically, there has to be a little give and take. We found that out by working on our sides for five minutes at a stretch — chch — chh. How's the weather?"
"'Sea's going down fast," said the Steam.
"Good business," said the high-pressure cylinder. "Whack her up, boys. They've given us five pounds more steam"; and he began humming the first bars of "Said the young Obadiah to the old Obadiah," which, as you may have noticed, is a pet tune among engines not built for high speed. Racing-liners with twin-screws sing "The Turkish Patrol" and the overture to the "Bronze Horse," and "Madame Angot," till something goes wrong, and then they render Gounod's "Funeral March of a Marionette," with variations.
"You'll learn a song of your own some fine day," said the Steam, as he flew up the fog-horn for one last bellow.
Next day the sky cleared and the sea dropped a little, and the Dimbula began to roll from side to side till every inch of iron in her was sick and giddy. But luckily they did not all feel ill at the same time: otherwise she would have opened out like a wet paper box.
The Steam whistled warnings as he went about his business: it is in this short, quick roll and tumble that follows a heavy sea that most of the accidents happen, for then everything thinks that the worst is over and goes off guard. So he orated and chattered till the beams and frames and floors and stringers and things had learned how to lock down and lock up on one another, and endure this new kind of strain.
They found ample time to practise, for they were sixteen days at sea, and it was foul weather till within a hundred miles of New York. The Dimbula picked up her pilot, and came in covered with salt and red rust. Her funnel was dirty-grey from top to bottom; two boats had been carried away; three copper ventilators looked like hats after a fight with the police; the bridge had a dimple in the middle of it; the house that covered the steam steering-gear was split as with hatchets; there was a bill for small repairs in the engine-room almost as long as the screw-shaft; the forward cargo-hatch fell into bucket-staves when they raised the iron cross-bars; and the steam-capstan had been badly wrenched on its bed. Altogether, as the skipper said, it was "a pretty general average."
"But she's soupled," he said to Mr. Buchanan. "For all her dead-weight she rode like a yacht. Ye mind that last blow off the Banks? I am proud of her, Buck."
"It's vera good," said the chief engineer, looking along the dishevelled decks. "Now, a man judgin' superfeecially would say we were a wreck, but we know otherwise — by experience."
Naturally everything in the Dimbula fairly stiffened with pride, and the foremast and the forward collision-bulkhead, who are pushing creatures; begged the Steam to warn the Port of New York of their arrival. "Tell those big boats all about us," they said. "They seem to take us quite as a matter of course."
It was a glorious, clear, dead calm morning, and in single file, with less than half a mile between each, their bands playing and their tugboats shouting and waving handkerchiefs, were the Majestic, the Paris, the Touraine, the Service, the Kaiser Wilhelm II., and the Werkendam, all statelily going out to sea. As the Dimbula shifted her helm to give the great boats clear way, the Steam (who knows far too much to mind making an exhibition of himself now and then) shouted:
"Oyez! Oyez! Oyez! Princes, Dukes, and Barons of the High Seas! Know ye by these presents, we are the Dimbula, fifteen days nine hours from Liverpool, having crossed the Atlantic with four thousand ton of cargo for the first time in our career! We have not foundered. We are here. 'Eer! 'Eer! We are not disabled But we have had a time wholly unparalleled in the annals of ship-building! Our decks were swept! We pitched; we rolled! We thought we were going to die! Hi! Hi! But we didn't. We wish to give notice that we have come to New York all the way across the Atlantic, through the worst weather in the world; and we are the Dimbula! We are — arr — ha — ha — ha-r-r-r!"
The beautiful line of boats swept by as steadily as the procession of the Seasons. The Dimbula heard the Majestic say, "Hmph!" and the Paris grunted, "How!" and the Touraine said, "Oui!" with a little coquettish flicker of steam; and the Servia said, "Haw!" and the Kaiser and the Werkendam said, "Hoch!" Dutch fashion — and that was absolutely all.
"I did my best," said the Steam, gravely, "but I don't think they were much impressed with us, somehow. Do you?"
"It's simply disgusting," said the bow-plates. "They might have seen what we've been through. There isn't a ship on the sea that has suffered as we have — is there, now?"
"Well, I wouldn't go so far as that," said the Steam, "because I've worked on some of those boats, and sent them through weather quite as bad as the fortnight that we've had, in six days; and some of them are a little over ten thousand tons, I believe. Now I've seen the Majestic, for instance, ducked from her bows to her funnel; and I've helped the Arizona, I think she was, to back off an iceberg she met with one dark night; and I had to run out of the Paris's engine-room, one day, because there was thirty foot of water in it. Of course, I don't deny ——" The Steam shut off suddenly, as a tugboat, loaded with a political club and a brass band, that had been to see a New York Senator off to Europe, crossed their bows, going to Hoboken. There was a long silence that reached, without a break, from the cut-water to the propeller-blades of the Dimbula.
Then a new, big voice said slowly and thickly, as though the owner had just waked up: "It's my conviction that I have made a fool of myself."
The Steam knew what had happened at once; for when a ship finds herself all the talking of the separate pieces ceases and melts into one voice, which is the soul of the ship.
"Who are you?" he said, with a laugh.
"I am the Dimbula, of course. I've never been anything else except that — and a fool!"
The tugboat, which was doing its very best to be run down, got away just in time; its band playing clashily and brassily a popular but impolite air:
In the days of old Rameses — are you on? In the days of old Rameses — are you on? In the days of old Rameses, That story had paresis, Are you on — are you on — are you on?
"Well, I'm glad you've found yourself," said the Steam. "To tell the truth, I was a little tired of talking to all those ribs and stringers. Here's Quarantine. After that we'll go to our wharf and clean up a little, and — next month we'll do it all over again."
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Second Fiddle
"It takes a lot of grace to play second fiddle...
...behind (the 'five talent' people - the world's leaders) are the unnumbered hosts of ordinary men and women whose names are never printed, whose faces are never captured by the newsreel cameras, but whose quiet unassuming labour makes the work of the leaders possible."
Peter Marshall "Mr Jones, Meet the Master" p54
I know this principle applies also in our homes. Wives make it possible for husbands to shine. Husbands make it possible for husbands to shine. Parents make it possible for children to shine. Children also make it possible for parents to shine. Ideally "We all work together." On, on with the journey to that state of family living.
...behind (the 'five talent' people - the world's leaders) are the unnumbered hosts of ordinary men and women whose names are never printed, whose faces are never captured by the newsreel cameras, but whose quiet unassuming labour makes the work of the leaders possible."
Peter Marshall "Mr Jones, Meet the Master" p54
I know this principle applies also in our homes. Wives make it possible for husbands to shine. Husbands make it possible for husbands to shine. Parents make it possible for children to shine. Children also make it possible for parents to shine. Ideally "We all work together." On, on with the journey to that state of family living.
Insatiable Compassion
"Strive to be people of insatiable compassion."
Michael Kelly - Associate Professor of Russian at BYU
Michael Kelly - Associate Professor of Russian at BYU
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Patience
"Patience is where love meets wisdom. And every marriage needs that combination to stay healthy. ... few people are as hard to live with as an impatient person. Few of us do patience very well, and none of us do it naturally. But wise men and women will pursue it as an essential ingredient to their marriage relationships."
"The Love Dare" p 2/3
"The Love Dare" p 2/3
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
"Fireproof"
A good movie to enrich your marriage - whatever condition it is in.
Make the date.
Get the movie.
Watch it.
Let the discussion begin.
Make some changes in your daily living.
Invite some friends around.
Watch it again.
Let the discussion continue.
Continue the committment, learning and changing.
Make the date.
Get the movie.
Watch it.
Let the discussion begin.
Make some changes in your daily living.
Invite some friends around.
Watch it again.
Let the discussion continue.
Continue the committment, learning and changing.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Friendship
How much friendship is there in your marriage?
Go through these questions and find out what you believe about marriage and friendship.
"Some people are born with the ability to make friends, and others are not." - In what ways do you agree with this statement? In what ways do you NOT agree?
Some people have more social skills than others." Agree/Disagree? How does this happen?
"I can have a variety of friends." Sports friends, family friends, hobby friends, work friends, personal friends, friends who share your sense of humour, political friends, spiritual friends… How do you see "varieties of friends"?
"I can find all that I need in one friend." In what ways might this be true/untrue?
What is the most difficult task for you to carry out in a friendship?
"You can judge a man by his friends." Do you agree/disagree? Why?
In what ways are you like some of your friends and unlike some other friends?
Do you think people should judge you by your friends? Why/Why not?
"There is no magic answer to the question of how to avoid suffering as well as joy in our friendships." What is your view on this statement?
How would you manage the difficulties of friendship better in future?
What can you do when a "friend" lets you down?
What can you do when a "friend" talks ugly about you behind your back?
What can you do when a "friend" breaks a confidence you shared?
What can you do if your "friend" ignores you?
What can you do if your "friend" bullies you openly or subtly?
What can you do if your "friend" tries to make you do something you don't want to do?
What can you do if your "friends" gang up on you?
What is a good way to meet new people who potentially can become your friends?
What are the differences between men as your friends and women as your friends?
Some people believe we must try not to arouse our friends' jealousy or envy by talking about
our abilities or good fortune. What do you think about that?
"A good marriage is based on friendship". Do you agree/disagree? Why?
"Some people are just too lazy or careless to behave to their spouse as a good friend, although
they are capable of doing it." In what ways do you agree/disagree about that statement?
In what way do you most commonly fail each other as friends?
Do you need to let some of your "friends" fade from your circle? Do you need to look around
for other potentially more mutually beneficial friends? What can you do about this?
Having thought about these questions and discussed some of them… is there anything
you would like to change about your friendshipping behaviour?
Go through these questions and find out what you believe about marriage and friendship.
"Some people are born with the ability to make friends, and others are not." - In what ways do you agree with this statement? In what ways do you NOT agree?
Some people have more social skills than others." Agree/Disagree? How does this happen?
"I can have a variety of friends." Sports friends, family friends, hobby friends, work friends, personal friends, friends who share your sense of humour, political friends, spiritual friends… How do you see "varieties of friends"?
"I can find all that I need in one friend." In what ways might this be true/untrue?
What is the most difficult task for you to carry out in a friendship?
"You can judge a man by his friends." Do you agree/disagree? Why?
In what ways are you like some of your friends and unlike some other friends?
Do you think people should judge you by your friends? Why/Why not?
"There is no magic answer to the question of how to avoid suffering as well as joy in our friendships." What is your view on this statement?
How would you manage the difficulties of friendship better in future?
What can you do when a "friend" lets you down?
What can you do when a "friend" talks ugly about you behind your back?
What can you do when a "friend" breaks a confidence you shared?
What can you do if your "friend" ignores you?
What can you do if your "friend" bullies you openly or subtly?
What can you do if your "friend" tries to make you do something you don't want to do?
What can you do if your "friends" gang up on you?
What is a good way to meet new people who potentially can become your friends?
What are the differences between men as your friends and women as your friends?
Some people believe we must try not to arouse our friends' jealousy or envy by talking about
our abilities or good fortune. What do you think about that?
"A good marriage is based on friendship". Do you agree/disagree? Why?
"Some people are just too lazy or careless to behave to their spouse as a good friend, although
they are capable of doing it." In what ways do you agree/disagree about that statement?
In what way do you most commonly fail each other as friends?
Do you need to let some of your "friends" fade from your circle? Do you need to look around
for other potentially more mutually beneficial friends? What can you do about this?
Having thought about these questions and discussed some of them… is there anything
you would like to change about your friendshipping behaviour?
Friday, May 1, 2009
Exploring with Questions
Here are some questions for you to ask yourself that might help you explore so that you can begin to see your way forward in your life:
These questions can be gone through individually or together - use what is appropriate and problem solving in your marriage -
YOUR VISION AND ACTION CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR MARRIAGE.
Choose an issue in your marriage that you would like to explore.
Who are all of the other people involved in this issue?
What other areas of your lives are affected by this issue?
What developmental stages are each of us going through now?
What developmental stages are all the other people involved with this issue experiencing?
What about this issue might be dangerous/hazardous… to me/other(s)… in what ways?
Who believes what about this issue? What do I believe? What do the other(s) believe?
Examine each of the beliefs: which are good and true and useful? To whom?
Which of these beliefs (own/other(s)) are stereotypes… which are assumptions?
How is the way I am dealing with the situation helping ME/us? (I am always helped in some way or other by the way I/you deal with things)
Who else is helped by the way I am dealing with the situation?
How is the way I am dealing with this issue hindering ME/us? (I am always hindered in some way or other by the way I/you deal with things)
Who else is hindered, and in what way, by the way I am dealing with this issue?
In what way may “helping” not be helpful?
In what way may “hindering” not be hindering?
What other alternatives have I/we tried? With what results? Benefits/costs for whom?
Do I persist with methods that do not work for me/others? Why?
The more I … (fill in the blank) the more… (fill in the blank).
The less I… the less…
What are the effects of the way I am handling things? On me? On other(s)?
How are these consequences what I want?
How are the consequences what I do not want?
Are these consequences useful to anyone? Is this what I want?
What would I/we be busy with right now if I/we weren’t dealing with this issue?
What is the positive in this situation? (There is always something positive – not always desirable to me and/or others).
What is the negative in the situation? (There is always something negative – also not always desirable to me/others).
How can I turn my less effective words/actions/thoughts into more effective ones?
What am I gaining by holding my position on this issue?
What am I losing by maintaining my position on this issue?
Given a choice:
1. Carry on in the same way
2. Do/think/say something different/differently
3. Find out and deal with the underlying issues
Which alternative will I/do I choose? Why?
Will this change be a change towards/away from more effective living? Why?
Can I/we do it on my/our own? Do I/we need help? Who might be able to help me/us?
How will I/we go about getting help (if I/we need it)?
Where do I see a start/continuation to my/our journey in a different direction?
When will I make a change?
What might be stopping me from making a change?
What can I do about this obstacle to turn it into a stepping stone?
I/we will continue to explore until I begin to see and feel my/our path forward.
I will take one step at a time as long as I feel, through the promptings of the Spirit, that it is the right step to take in this circumstance at this time with the resources that are mine.
On your marks, me/us… get set… GROW!
- Sylvia Poss
These questions can be gone through individually or together - use what is appropriate and problem solving in your marriage -
YOUR VISION AND ACTION CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR MARRIAGE.
Choose an issue in your marriage that you would like to explore.
Who are all of the other people involved in this issue?
What other areas of your lives are affected by this issue?
What developmental stages are each of us going through now?
What developmental stages are all the other people involved with this issue experiencing?
What about this issue might be dangerous/hazardous… to me/other(s)… in what ways?
Who believes what about this issue? What do I believe? What do the other(s) believe?
Examine each of the beliefs: which are good and true and useful? To whom?
Which of these beliefs (own/other(s)) are stereotypes… which are assumptions?
How is the way I am dealing with the situation helping ME/us? (I am always helped in some way or other by the way I/you deal with things)
Who else is helped by the way I am dealing with the situation?
How is the way I am dealing with this issue hindering ME/us? (I am always hindered in some way or other by the way I/you deal with things)
Who else is hindered, and in what way, by the way I am dealing with this issue?
In what way may “helping” not be helpful?
In what way may “hindering” not be hindering?
What other alternatives have I/we tried? With what results? Benefits/costs for whom?
Do I persist with methods that do not work for me/others? Why?
The more I … (fill in the blank) the more… (fill in the blank).
The less I… the less…
What are the effects of the way I am handling things? On me? On other(s)?
How are these consequences what I want?
How are the consequences what I do not want?
Are these consequences useful to anyone? Is this what I want?
What would I/we be busy with right now if I/we weren’t dealing with this issue?
What is the positive in this situation? (There is always something positive – not always desirable to me and/or others).
What is the negative in the situation? (There is always something negative – also not always desirable to me/others).
How can I turn my less effective words/actions/thoughts into more effective ones?
What am I gaining by holding my position on this issue?
What am I losing by maintaining my position on this issue?
Given a choice:
1. Carry on in the same way
2. Do/think/say something different/differently
3. Find out and deal with the underlying issues
Which alternative will I/do I choose? Why?
Will this change be a change towards/away from more effective living? Why?
Can I/we do it on my/our own? Do I/we need help? Who might be able to help me/us?
How will I/we go about getting help (if I/we need it)?
Where do I see a start/continuation to my/our journey in a different direction?
When will I make a change?
What might be stopping me from making a change?
What can I do about this obstacle to turn it into a stepping stone?
I/we will continue to explore until I begin to see and feel my/our path forward.
I will take one step at a time as long as I feel, through the promptings of the Spirit, that it is the right step to take in this circumstance at this time with the resources that are mine.
On your marks, me/us… get set… GROW!
- Sylvia Poss
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
The Drama Triangle
What is going on at psychological levels between you and your spouse?
What is really going on between you and each of your children?
Steven Karpman (Transactional Analysis practitioner) devised a simple yet powerful diagram to help us understand our relationships with some people. He called it THE DRAMA TRIANGLE. He suggests that we can frequently take on one of the roles of the Drama Triangle - if we are less aware!
Imagine an upside-down triangle with the two top angles being labelled Persecutor and Rescuer, and the bottom angle being labelled Victim...
DRAMA TRIANGLE ROLES:
Persecutor - either active (shouting/hitting) or passive (withdrawing/not speaking)
Rescuer
Victim
Can you "see" the part YOU play in this Drama Triangle?
Identify your favourite role.
Identify what roles you think the others in your life are playing.
Identify when YOU choose to play a complementary role.
Identify when you are "sucked into" a complementary role.
Identify who starts the "play".
Identify what happens as the "play" plays out.
Identify how your "play" ends.
Here is what you might try when you identify what you are doing in a "Drama Triangle Play":
Simply refuse to carry on "acting" whichever part you are playing.
Simply STOP. Say "Whoops! - time to think!" if you want to.
Simply be quiet. Say "I'm pausing to think." if you want to.
Simply look. Listen. Think. Decide. "What is going on here?!"
Simply notice what is happening here - "What is happening?"
DO NOT label the behaviour of any others to them.
THINK about the "players", do not openly label them.
The player with the most power to change things in the Drama Triangle interactions is the Victim.
A Persecutor sees the other/s as "Less Than" and persecutes them - A Persecutor sees others as being "one-down" compared to him.
A Persecutor (Active or Passive) ignores the dignity, value and uniqueness of the other/s in her life.
A Rescuer views himself as "More Than" the other/s.
A Rescuer offers/forces his "help" from his "one-up" position.
"I have to help you because you are not good enough/smart enough tohelp yourself".
A Rescuer ignores the ability of other people to think and act on their own initiative.
A Victim sees herself (or allow other people to see her) in a "one-down" position.
Sometimes a Victim subtly seeks a Persecutor to put her down and push her around.
Sometimes a Victim naively seeks a Rescuer who will offer help and confirm her Victim beliefs "I can't cope on my own." "You know more than I do." "There is nothing I can do to get out of this."
A Victim ignores her own dignity, value and iniative - She sees herself as someone worthy of no more than rejection and belittling. She sees herself as in need of help in order to think straight, act, or make decisions.
See if this fits for you:
"I step into the Drama Triangle by taking on one of the roles and inviting others to take on a reciprocal/complementary role; or I am invited into the Drama Triangle by someone else who initiates the "DRAMA". This happens without my (or usually their) awareness."
(We learnt our habitual roles in the homes of our childhood where the roles were one of our means of survival in our circumstances there, 'favourable' or 'unfavourable'.")
You can know you/or another have/has stepped into A Drama Triangle by one or more of these five identifying factors:
1 Repetition: What is happening (or is going to happen) is repetitive. It has happened before and will follow the same pattern as before and next time too. "Here I go again! Why do I/we keep doing this?!"
2 Two levels: One level is the apparent level: the social level - the "act" what shows to observers. The other level is the psychological level - the unseen, the "real" level. Two different levels of communication are going on at the same time. Mixed messages (both ways) are in abundance - this is like a "soap opera!".
3 Feel bad: The end of the Drama, which may be short or long in duration, is that I, and sometimes/often, you and any others involved, feel a familiar, unsatisfying, frustrating and frustrated "bad" feeling... again!
4 The "Switch"/Surprise: The Drama Triangle always includes "the switch". This is a moment of confusion and unpleasant surprise. At this point you have the sensation that something lousily unexpected has happened - again. The role players have switched roles. "I was playing the Victim/Persecutor/Rescuer, now I am in another of the roles! What happened?!" "He was persecuting me, now he is so nice to me! What happened?!" "She was so helpful to me, now she is expecting me to help her! What happened?!""
5 The problem is not solved - again!: It was not solved in the past. There is now another problem that is being added to our growing heap of previously unsolved problems.There are real persecutors, rescuers and victims in the world. The Persecutors, Rescuers and Victims involved in The Drama Triangle are not really persecutors, rescuers and victims - they are taking on a role, playing a part - they are like actors in a play, following a script, and finding that they are no different after the "play" than before the DRAMA, neither has progress been made in solving any problem - in fact another problem is added.
Why do we enter into The Drama Triangle dynamics?
It is no fun.
We do it because we unconsciously learnt how to do it to get what we needed when we were children. "Playing our Part" worked then, in the family that we were in at that time. The problem is that we are no longer the 'child' in the home we were in as a child. We each are now an 'adult' in our circumstances now. Our out-dated strategies no longer are appropriate, nor problem solving, nor are they effective any more in our present day-to-day relationships and circumstances.
How do we "STOP" The Drama Triangle dynamics from playing out?
Try some of these:
As soon as you identify you are in A Drama Triangle, again!, either before the unpleasant Switch or after, choose to just step out. Simply "Stop".
Refuse to carry on your part of the "act" any longer.Please don't Persecute the others now!
Just say something like "I need to think about all this for a while."
Choose to be quiet and figure out for yourself how to get yourself "real".
Be Brave.
"If at first I don't succeed, I will try,try, try again, until I do."
If you don't know what "real" is for you, try different ways of expressing yourself until something feels really "real" to you.
When you find yourself being the Persecutor, say something like "I've been grinding at you again. I am sorry. I actually care about you. Give me a minute. I will be behaving more patiently and honestly from now on."
When you find yourself being the Rescuer try saying something like "Here I go again, I'm trying to solve your problem for you. Give me a minute... (take the time you need to figure out what you want to do or say) "What ideas have you had so far? How can I really help you?"(Just because someone ASKS for help (verbally or non-verbally), doesn't mean they actually DO need help. Perhaps you are not the one who can actually help them either...)
When you are being the Victim (the one with the greatest power to change the "Play") try something like "I have just realised that I feel /am acting helpless. When I think about it, I am not really. Let me get my brain and body out of 'neutral' or 'panic' and 'into gear', and THINK. I'll come back to you if I really am stuck and need your help. Thanks."
These Drama Triangle patterns are life-long patterns, and usually multi-generational.
They are frequently persistently resistant to change.
Every little bit of progress in stepping out of The Drama Triangles of your life will be a significant triumph."
I am moving towards more real interactions with people."
"I am moving towards more real problem solving in my life."
"I am moving towards less "feeling bad" that is unproductive."
You may 'feel (productively) bad' now as you move into these new and unfamiliar patterns.
This will lessen over time with each success you have.
Look for the support of different people whose lives are more effective, problem-solving and peaceful, as you want yours to be in future.
"I am moving towards being more honestly and openly my whole self - not operating on two levels any more in the same old, repetitive, frustrating and down-spirallingly agonising ways."
"I am moving towards having less unpleasant 'switches/surprises' in my life - and knowing what to do better."
"I am moving towards being more knowing and understanding of what is actually happening - in my interactions with the other people in my life. When I see the truth and understand it - I will be free to be my better, more peaceful 'me'".
"With vigilance and practice I can increasingly identify my own, and others', invitations into A Drama Triangle."
"I can choose (and know how to!) step out sooner."
"I can THINK and identify real needs (mine and others')."
"I can find straight, honest talk, and real ways to meet real needs."
"I will be taking a risk. I can be strong and of good courage."
"I will have to put in great effort to learn to do it."
"I will have to pause more often."
"I will have to think!"
"I will live more productively and consciously."
"I can do this! It may take me a while... but I CAN do this!"
"I will give myself this gift."
"I will ask for the help I need from those who REALLY can help me understand what is going on so that I can live more peacefully, purposefully and problem-solvingly."
Increasingly successful, continuous transforming and unfolding to you and yours, and me and mine too...
What is really going on between you and each of your children?
Steven Karpman (Transactional Analysis practitioner) devised a simple yet powerful diagram to help us understand our relationships with some people. He called it THE DRAMA TRIANGLE. He suggests that we can frequently take on one of the roles of the Drama Triangle - if we are less aware!
Imagine an upside-down triangle with the two top angles being labelled Persecutor and Rescuer, and the bottom angle being labelled Victim...
DRAMA TRIANGLE ROLES:
Persecutor - either active (shouting/hitting) or passive (withdrawing/not speaking)
Rescuer
Victim
Can you "see" the part YOU play in this Drama Triangle?
Identify your favourite role.
Identify what roles you think the others in your life are playing.
Identify when YOU choose to play a complementary role.
Identify when you are "sucked into" a complementary role.
Identify who starts the "play".
Identify what happens as the "play" plays out.
Identify how your "play" ends.
Here is what you might try when you identify what you are doing in a "Drama Triangle Play":
Simply refuse to carry on "acting" whichever part you are playing.
Simply STOP. Say "Whoops! - time to think!" if you want to.
Simply be quiet. Say "I'm pausing to think." if you want to.
Simply look. Listen. Think. Decide. "What is going on here?!"
Simply notice what is happening here - "What is happening?"
DO NOT label the behaviour of any others to them.
THINK about the "players", do not openly label them.
The player with the most power to change things in the Drama Triangle interactions is the Victim.
A Persecutor sees the other/s as "Less Than" and persecutes them - A Persecutor sees others as being "one-down" compared to him.
A Persecutor (Active or Passive) ignores the dignity, value and uniqueness of the other/s in her life.
A Rescuer views himself as "More Than" the other/s.
A Rescuer offers/forces his "help" from his "one-up" position.
"I have to help you because you are not good enough/smart enough tohelp yourself".
A Rescuer ignores the ability of other people to think and act on their own initiative.
A Victim sees herself (or allow other people to see her) in a "one-down" position.
Sometimes a Victim subtly seeks a Persecutor to put her down and push her around.
Sometimes a Victim naively seeks a Rescuer who will offer help and confirm her Victim beliefs "I can't cope on my own." "You know more than I do." "There is nothing I can do to get out of this."
A Victim ignores her own dignity, value and iniative - She sees herself as someone worthy of no more than rejection and belittling. She sees herself as in need of help in order to think straight, act, or make decisions.
See if this fits for you:
"I step into the Drama Triangle by taking on one of the roles and inviting others to take on a reciprocal/complementary role; or I am invited into the Drama Triangle by someone else who initiates the "DRAMA". This happens without my (or usually their) awareness."
(We learnt our habitual roles in the homes of our childhood where the roles were one of our means of survival in our circumstances there, 'favourable' or 'unfavourable'.")
You can know you/or another have/has stepped into A Drama Triangle by one or more of these five identifying factors:
1 Repetition: What is happening (or is going to happen) is repetitive. It has happened before and will follow the same pattern as before and next time too. "Here I go again! Why do I/we keep doing this?!"
2 Two levels: One level is the apparent level: the social level - the "act" what shows to observers. The other level is the psychological level - the unseen, the "real" level. Two different levels of communication are going on at the same time. Mixed messages (both ways) are in abundance - this is like a "soap opera!".
3 Feel bad: The end of the Drama, which may be short or long in duration, is that I, and sometimes/often, you and any others involved, feel a familiar, unsatisfying, frustrating and frustrated "bad" feeling... again!
4 The "Switch"/Surprise: The Drama Triangle always includes "the switch". This is a moment of confusion and unpleasant surprise. At this point you have the sensation that something lousily unexpected has happened - again. The role players have switched roles. "I was playing the Victim/Persecutor/Rescuer, now I am in another of the roles! What happened?!" "He was persecuting me, now he is so nice to me! What happened?!" "She was so helpful to me, now she is expecting me to help her! What happened?!""
5 The problem is not solved - again!: It was not solved in the past. There is now another problem that is being added to our growing heap of previously unsolved problems.There are real persecutors, rescuers and victims in the world. The Persecutors, Rescuers and Victims involved in The Drama Triangle are not really persecutors, rescuers and victims - they are taking on a role, playing a part - they are like actors in a play, following a script, and finding that they are no different after the "play" than before the DRAMA, neither has progress been made in solving any problem - in fact another problem is added.
Why do we enter into The Drama Triangle dynamics?
It is no fun.
We do it because we unconsciously learnt how to do it to get what we needed when we were children. "Playing our Part" worked then, in the family that we were in at that time. The problem is that we are no longer the 'child' in the home we were in as a child. We each are now an 'adult' in our circumstances now. Our out-dated strategies no longer are appropriate, nor problem solving, nor are they effective any more in our present day-to-day relationships and circumstances.
How do we "STOP" The Drama Triangle dynamics from playing out?
Try some of these:
As soon as you identify you are in A Drama Triangle, again!, either before the unpleasant Switch or after, choose to just step out. Simply "Stop".
Refuse to carry on your part of the "act" any longer.Please don't Persecute the others now!
Just say something like "I need to think about all this for a while."
Choose to be quiet and figure out for yourself how to get yourself "real".
Be Brave.
"If at first I don't succeed, I will try,try, try again, until I do."
If you don't know what "real" is for you, try different ways of expressing yourself until something feels really "real" to you.
When you find yourself being the Persecutor, say something like "I've been grinding at you again. I am sorry. I actually care about you. Give me a minute. I will be behaving more patiently and honestly from now on."
When you find yourself being the Rescuer try saying something like "Here I go again, I'm trying to solve your problem for you. Give me a minute... (take the time you need to figure out what you want to do or say) "What ideas have you had so far? How can I really help you?"(Just because someone ASKS for help (verbally or non-verbally), doesn't mean they actually DO need help. Perhaps you are not the one who can actually help them either...)
When you are being the Victim (the one with the greatest power to change the "Play") try something like "I have just realised that I feel /am acting helpless. When I think about it, I am not really. Let me get my brain and body out of 'neutral' or 'panic' and 'into gear', and THINK. I'll come back to you if I really am stuck and need your help. Thanks."
These Drama Triangle patterns are life-long patterns, and usually multi-generational.
They are frequently persistently resistant to change.
Every little bit of progress in stepping out of The Drama Triangles of your life will be a significant triumph."
I am moving towards more real interactions with people."
"I am moving towards more real problem solving in my life."
"I am moving towards less "feeling bad" that is unproductive."
You may 'feel (productively) bad' now as you move into these new and unfamiliar patterns.
This will lessen over time with each success you have.
Look for the support of different people whose lives are more effective, problem-solving and peaceful, as you want yours to be in future.
"I am moving towards being more honestly and openly my whole self - not operating on two levels any more in the same old, repetitive, frustrating and down-spirallingly agonising ways."
"I am moving towards having less unpleasant 'switches/surprises' in my life - and knowing what to do better."
"I am moving towards being more knowing and understanding of what is actually happening - in my interactions with the other people in my life. When I see the truth and understand it - I will be free to be my better, more peaceful 'me'".
"With vigilance and practice I can increasingly identify my own, and others', invitations into A Drama Triangle."
"I can choose (and know how to!) step out sooner."
"I can THINK and identify real needs (mine and others')."
"I can find straight, honest talk, and real ways to meet real needs."
"I will be taking a risk. I can be strong and of good courage."
"I will have to put in great effort to learn to do it."
"I will have to pause more often."
"I will have to think!"
"I will live more productively and consciously."
"I can do this! It may take me a while... but I CAN do this!"
"I will give myself this gift."
"I will ask for the help I need from those who REALLY can help me understand what is going on so that I can live more peacefully, purposefully and problem-solvingly."
Increasingly successful, continuous transforming and unfolding to you and yours, and me and mine too...
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Healthy Grieving
The death of a loved one is the most profound of all sorrows.
(The losing of ANYTHING or ANYONE precious can also be profoundly sorrowful.)
Grief associated with such losses affects your emotions, your body, your life.
You may experience the raw feelings of anguish, sorrow, regret, longing, fear, deprivation.
Your body suffers exhaustion, tension, sleeplessness, crying, loss of appetite. The loss throws your life off-balance.
And yet grieving is something more than just the sorrow. It is “to celebrate the depth of the union. Tears, then, are the jewels of remembrance, sad, but glistening with the beauty of the past. So grief in its bitterness marks the end… but it also is praise to the one/circumstance who/which is gone.” (Tatelbaum)
We are never ready to deal with such a large loss as occurs in losing someone through death.
THE GRIEF PROCESS –
No two people react to huge losses in exactly the same way.
When “Stages of Grief” are used, these stages may be used as explanatory, as a descriptive way to show what usually happens and should not in any way be regarded as prescriptive.
Stage I
Numbness, disbelief, shock, anxiety.
This stage is almost always about 12 weeks of nature’s anesthetic –
your body’s built-in protective device that puts everything into a state of unreality.
Stage II
Disorganization of the bereaved’s personality.
You try to find new goals but experience difficulty in finding meaning in new activities.
Stage III
Re-organization of the bereaved’s personality.
You gradually accept the loss and put together a life without the person (previous advantages) and you cope in increasing degrees with your new reality.
These stages can take about two to five years – depending on the circumstances of the loss, and associated losses, and the personality of the bereaved.
GRIEVING TASKS – Grieving is hard work.
Task I
Acknowledge and accept the truth that the loss has occurred, that previous contact opportunities are over, for now, at this time.
Task II
Acknowledge, experience and deal with all the emotions and problems this loss has created.
GRIEVING SUPPORT –
The process of coming to terms with the loss, and associated losses, is complex and painful.
It is vital to seek effective support from someone around you as you move backward and forward through your own timing, and visiting and moving through, in your own way, the different grief stages.
Find someone, or several people, who know how to WAIT to see what YOUR needs are.
Many people around you may feel impatient, helpless, angry, frustrated:
“I do not like to see you suffer.”
“When you cry I want to say something to stop you crying.”
“When you ask hard questions I want to give sure, helpful answers.”
“It is hard for me to wait, to let you struggle, to see you cry, to go slowly.”
“I want to comfort you and everything I try doesn’t work for you.”
Good support will let you be where you are, and, with what you are feeling.
Good support will wait, try and determine your needs.
Good support will convey to you they hurt with you.
Good support will try and learn from you what your needs are.
Good support will not rush in with easy solutions.
Good support will not easy and quickly say
“Time will heal your wounds.”
“God does not make mistakes.”
“He/She’s/You're better off.”
“If you really had faith, you would not grieve so much.”
Good support will know that
when you are grieving, you don’t care about what books or other people say.
Find someone, or a team of people, who will just be AVAILABLE to you.
Ask if you can phone them if you need to.
Invite them to visit you when you need them.
Ask if you can go and visit them if that is preferable to you.
Find at least one who can BE QUIET MOST OF THE TIME and
LISTEN to YOU.
Find people who have the compassion and wisdom to listen to you tell the same story over and over if you need to do so. Telling it over and over helps you to hear it over and over and will assist your moving to other stages along the road towards mental and emotional health and healing, in due time.
Avoid people who lightly say
“It’s time to put this into your past.”
“Pull yourself together.”
“Let me give you a sedative.” (Unless that is what YOU want to assist you temporarily)
“You know he/she wouldn’t have wanted you to grieve like this.”
“Get over it.”
You are unique. Your grieving will be unique.
Allow yourself to be genuine and safe as you experience your own grieving this time.
Next time you need to do the work of grieving, it will be different again.
Create your support team who will be with you as you to grieve honestly and openly and uniquely, and to make your own progress in your own particular way.
Grieving is natural, and so are its manifestations, every single time.
“A terrible thing has happened. To make the matter worse, there is no (complete) explanation as to why the event happened. What are you supposed to feel? Happiness? Joy? Thankfulness? How are you supposed to react? With bursts of faith? With a carrying on as if nothing happened? No. You have been deeply hurt. You should therefore hurt deeply. One day you will feel better. One day you will live again. Right now you are wounded. No explanation in the world will make the wound go away. You feel a thousand why’s – ask them all. You have a million feelings – feel them all.”
From Robert McKay – UNISA
(The losing of ANYTHING or ANYONE precious can also be profoundly sorrowful.)
Grief associated with such losses affects your emotions, your body, your life.
You may experience the raw feelings of anguish, sorrow, regret, longing, fear, deprivation.
Your body suffers exhaustion, tension, sleeplessness, crying, loss of appetite. The loss throws your life off-balance.
And yet grieving is something more than just the sorrow. It is “to celebrate the depth of the union. Tears, then, are the jewels of remembrance, sad, but glistening with the beauty of the past. So grief in its bitterness marks the end… but it also is praise to the one/circumstance who/which is gone.” (Tatelbaum)
We are never ready to deal with such a large loss as occurs in losing someone through death.
THE GRIEF PROCESS –
No two people react to huge losses in exactly the same way.
When “Stages of Grief” are used, these stages may be used as explanatory, as a descriptive way to show what usually happens and should not in any way be regarded as prescriptive.
Stage I
Numbness, disbelief, shock, anxiety.
This stage is almost always about 12 weeks of nature’s anesthetic –
your body’s built-in protective device that puts everything into a state of unreality.
Stage II
Disorganization of the bereaved’s personality.
You try to find new goals but experience difficulty in finding meaning in new activities.
Stage III
Re-organization of the bereaved’s personality.
You gradually accept the loss and put together a life without the person (previous advantages) and you cope in increasing degrees with your new reality.
These stages can take about two to five years – depending on the circumstances of the loss, and associated losses, and the personality of the bereaved.
GRIEVING TASKS – Grieving is hard work.
Task I
Acknowledge and accept the truth that the loss has occurred, that previous contact opportunities are over, for now, at this time.
Task II
Acknowledge, experience and deal with all the emotions and problems this loss has created.
GRIEVING SUPPORT –
The process of coming to terms with the loss, and associated losses, is complex and painful.
It is vital to seek effective support from someone around you as you move backward and forward through your own timing, and visiting and moving through, in your own way, the different grief stages.
Find someone, or several people, who know how to WAIT to see what YOUR needs are.
Many people around you may feel impatient, helpless, angry, frustrated:
“I do not like to see you suffer.”
“When you cry I want to say something to stop you crying.”
“When you ask hard questions I want to give sure, helpful answers.”
“It is hard for me to wait, to let you struggle, to see you cry, to go slowly.”
“I want to comfort you and everything I try doesn’t work for you.”
Good support will let you be where you are, and, with what you are feeling.
Good support will wait, try and determine your needs.
Good support will convey to you they hurt with you.
Good support will try and learn from you what your needs are.
Good support will not rush in with easy solutions.
Good support will not easy and quickly say
“Time will heal your wounds.”
“God does not make mistakes.”
“He/She’s/You're better off.”
“If you really had faith, you would not grieve so much.”
Good support will know that
when you are grieving, you don’t care about what books or other people say.
Find someone, or a team of people, who will just be AVAILABLE to you.
Ask if you can phone them if you need to.
Invite them to visit you when you need them.
Ask if you can go and visit them if that is preferable to you.
Find at least one who can BE QUIET MOST OF THE TIME and
LISTEN to YOU.
Find people who have the compassion and wisdom to listen to you tell the same story over and over if you need to do so. Telling it over and over helps you to hear it over and over and will assist your moving to other stages along the road towards mental and emotional health and healing, in due time.
Avoid people who lightly say
“It’s time to put this into your past.”
“Pull yourself together.”
“Let me give you a sedative.” (Unless that is what YOU want to assist you temporarily)
“You know he/she wouldn’t have wanted you to grieve like this.”
“Get over it.”
You are unique. Your grieving will be unique.
Allow yourself to be genuine and safe as you experience your own grieving this time.
Next time you need to do the work of grieving, it will be different again.
Create your support team who will be with you as you to grieve honestly and openly and uniquely, and to make your own progress in your own particular way.
Grieving is natural, and so are its manifestations, every single time.
“A terrible thing has happened. To make the matter worse, there is no (complete) explanation as to why the event happened. What are you supposed to feel? Happiness? Joy? Thankfulness? How are you supposed to react? With bursts of faith? With a carrying on as if nothing happened? No. You have been deeply hurt. You should therefore hurt deeply. One day you will feel better. One day you will live again. Right now you are wounded. No explanation in the world will make the wound go away. You feel a thousand why’s – ask them all. You have a million feelings – feel them all.”
From Robert McKay – UNISA
Normal Stages of Grieving
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8, 11, 17
1 To every thing there is a a season, and a b time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A a time to be born, and a time to b die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 A time to weep, and a time to a laugh; a time to b mourn, and a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to a get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 A time to a rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep b silence, and a time to speak;
8 A time to love, and a time to a hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
11 He hath made every thing a beautiful in his time: also he b hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the c work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
17 I said in mine heart, God shall a judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.
A Life Changing Event happens in your life...
There are normal stages of grieving. They do not necessarily happen in the recorded order. We shift from one to the other and back and forth until the work of grieving is done increasingly and finally completely.
1 To every thing there is a a season, and a b time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A a time to be born, and a time to b die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 A time to weep, and a time to a laugh; a time to b mourn, and a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to a get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 A time to a rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep b silence, and a time to speak;
8 A time to love, and a time to a hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
11 He hath made every thing a beautiful in his time: also he b hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the c work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
17 I said in mine heart, God shall a judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.
A Life Changing Event happens in your life...
There are normal stages of grieving. They do not necessarily happen in the recorded order. We shift from one to the other and back and forth until the work of grieving is done increasingly and finally completely.
Grief is a "season" and a "time" to be born, to die, plant, pluck up, kill, heal, break down, build up, weep, laugh, mourn, dance, cast away stones, gather stones together, get, loose, keep, embrace, refrain from embracing, speak, be silent, love, hate, a time of war, and a time of peace.
There is a time to look for the beauty amidst the devastation - it is usually not soon. There is a time to leave judgment to the Holy Ones, as well as those we as a society have charged with the responsibility of judging and meting out justice.
LIFE CHANGING EVENT!
Numbness/Relief
Denial
No awareness of feelings
Powerlessness
Can't believe what happened
Huge relief... even joy sometimes
Anger Inward/Outward
The "Why me?!" stage
Resentment
Bitterness
Irritability
Snappy with others
Bargaining/Guilt
The "Yes but..." stage
"What if..."
"If only..."
Want to get other opinions
True Grief/Depression
Feel the finality of the life changing event
Know the real enormity of the event
Anguish
Agony
Hearache
Hearbreak
Sadness
Hopelessness
Deep depression
Options
Begin to imagine some alternatives
Can see glimmerings of choices still available
"Where to from the changed here?"
Slight feelings of "light"
Hope
Acceptance
Can see some of the blessings of the experience
Accept self as changed forever
Accept circumstances as changed forever
Feel some forgiveness of self
Feel some forgiveness of the "other/s"
Integration
Event becomes a “part of personal history”
(It can take two to five years to reach this point)
Be patient - with your Body, Mind and Spirit
Be patient - with the Bodies, Minds and Spirits of the others in your life who are also grieving in their own way, according to their own time-table.
“Weeping is the most honest expression of true grief. Tears bring cleansing as if the emotional wound was being physically washed.” – Leslie Hands
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Grief Support
Responding to Normal Stages of Grieving
– You get the opportunity to Be REAL and to be supportive.
Be HONEST with yourself and them - you are learning too.
***
A Life Changing Event occurs in the life of one of your loved ones.
What is needed by him/her is your presence.
Compassionately witness what is happening.
Be steadfast.
Just quietly be there
Numbness/Euphoria will likely come next
"You look shocked."
"You can't believe what happened!"
"You feel frozen/numb."
"you feel look and sound ecstatic/relieved."
Affirm and reflect their feelings
Anger outward/inward might next manifest itself
"You are furious..."
"It's unfair!"
"You resent..."
"You are wondering... why you?!"
Show your empathy and respect. Reflect observed or imagined anger
Bargaining is a usual stage of the grieving process
"You feel you want another opinion.."
"You wonder 'What if...'"
"You are thinking 'If only...'"
"You are thinking 'Yes, but...'"
Be patient. This step is normal and should pass in time
Depression is the true depths of grieving.
(notice YOUR need to get past this stage. Resist it.)
"You feel guilty about..."
"It's OK to cry. This is within normal for now."
"You look so sad."
"What is your greatest fear now?"
Support your loved one. Be there
Options should begin to rise from the darkness and pain
"You sound like you might begin to go forward from here..."
"Who do you think you might be able to consult with?"
"It looks like you are becoming aware of glimmers of light - even in these dark days."
"Do you have any sense of what your next step might be?"
Explore together
Acceptance
"It sounds like you are seeing a gift from this experience..."
"I hear you beginning to accept yourself as changed forever."
"I see you accepting your different circumstances a little more."
Share your observations of small progress
Integration
"The terrible event is becoming a 'part of your history'."
(The grieving process can take up to two to five years or more to reach this stage. Be patient.)
Rejoice together
(Thank You: Hospice Home in the West)
– You get the opportunity to Be REAL and to be supportive.
Be HONEST with yourself and them - you are learning too.
***
A Life Changing Event occurs in the life of one of your loved ones.
What is needed by him/her is your presence.
Compassionately witness what is happening.
Be steadfast.
Just quietly be there
Numbness/Euphoria will likely come next
"You look shocked."
"You can't believe what happened!"
"You feel frozen/numb."
"you feel look and sound ecstatic/relieved."
Affirm and reflect their feelings
Anger outward/inward might next manifest itself
"You are furious..."
"It's unfair!"
"You resent..."
"You are wondering... why you?!"
Show your empathy and respect. Reflect observed or imagined anger
Bargaining is a usual stage of the grieving process
"You feel you want another opinion.."
"You wonder 'What if...'"
"You are thinking 'If only...'"
"You are thinking 'Yes, but...'"
Be patient. This step is normal and should pass in time
Depression is the true depths of grieving.
(notice YOUR need to get past this stage. Resist it.)
"You feel guilty about..."
"It's OK to cry. This is within normal for now."
"You look so sad."
"What is your greatest fear now?"
Support your loved one. Be there
Options should begin to rise from the darkness and pain
"You sound like you might begin to go forward from here..."
"Who do you think you might be able to consult with?"
"It looks like you are becoming aware of glimmers of light - even in these dark days."
"Do you have any sense of what your next step might be?"
Explore together
Acceptance
"It sounds like you are seeing a gift from this experience..."
"I hear you beginning to accept yourself as changed forever."
"I see you accepting your different circumstances a little more."
Share your observations of small progress
Integration
"The terrible event is becoming a 'part of your history'."
(The grieving process can take up to two to five years or more to reach this stage. Be patient.)
Rejoice together
(Thank You: Hospice Home in the West)
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Managing Differences: Your Style
Imagine yourself in a situation in each statement where your wishes are different to another/s.
Get a piece of paper and write at the top of columns:
CF, CP, CS, AW, AS. As you go through the questions, sort your answers into the five columns. (You might use both alternatives in each number - mark both columns if that is the case.)
1
A=AW
There are times when I let others take responsibility for solving the problem.
B=AS
Rather than negotiate an agreement, I try to resolve only what the other and I can agree on.
2
A =CS
I tend to find a compromise for both parties during our differing times.
B=CP
I try to soothe the other person's feelings to preserve the relationship.
3
A=CF
I usually remain firm in the pursuit of my goals.
B =AS
I try to comfort the other to preserve the relationship.
4
A=CS
I try to find a compromise when I am faced with different points of view.
B=AS
I sometimes sacrifice my own point of view for that of another person.
5
A=CP
I consistently seek help in resolving differences.
B=AW
I usually try to resolve differences on my own.
6
A=AW
I am willing to do what is necessary to avoid tension when I differ with another.
B =CF
I try to win my position.
7
A=AW
I try to postpone dealing with differences until I have had time to think over the situation.
B=CS
I will concede some of my points in exchange for others.
8
A=CF
I do not often change/modify my goals.
B=CP
I attempt to get all concerns and issues immediately out in the open.
9
A=AW
Differences are not always worth worrying about.
B=CF
I make some effort to get my way in spite of immediate differences.
10
A=CF
I'm firm in expressing and pursuing my goals.
B=CS
I try to find a compromise solution.
11
A=CP
I attempt to get all the differences out in the open as soon as possible.
B=AS
I might try to soothe the other person's feelings to preserve the relationship.
12
A=AW
I sometimes avoid taking a position that would create controversial differences.
B=CS
I'll concede certain issues to the other person if he/she will concede some to me.
13
A=CS
I will propose finding a middle ground.
B=CF
I press issues of difference to make my points.
14
A=CP
I tell the other person my ideas and ask for his/hers in return.
B=CF
I try to persuade the other party to accept the merits of my position.
15
A=AS
I might try to soothe the other person's feelings to preserve the relationship, despite our differences.
B=AW
I try to do what is necessary to avoid tension when there are differences.
16
A=AS
I try not to hurt other's feelings if we have differences.
B=CF
I try fervently to persuade the other/s to understand and accept my point of view.
17
A=CF
I'm usually unyielding in pursuing my goals.
B=AW
I don't try to convince the other person to accept the merits of my position.
18
A=AS
If it makes the other person happy, I might let a group maintain their point of view.
B=CS
I'll concede certain issues to the other person if he/she will concede some to me.
19
A=CP
I try to get all concerns and issues immediately out in the open.
B=AW
I try to postpone the issue until I've had time to think it over.
20
A=CP
I immediately attempt to work through the differences people have between them.
B=CS
I try to find a fair balance of gains and losses for both people.
21
A=AS
In approaching negotiations, I try to consider the other person's wishes.
B=CP
I always lean toward a direct discussion of the problem.
22
A=CS
I try to find a position intermediate between the other's position and my own.
B=CF
I try to convince the other person of the strengths of my position.
23
A=CP
I'm often concerned with satisfying everyone's wishes.
B=AW
At times, I let others take responsibility for solving our problems.
24
A=AS
If another person's position seems very important to them, I try to meet their wishes.
B=CS
I try to get the other person to compromise his/her position.
25
A=CF
I try to show the other person the advantages of my position.
B=AS
In approaching negotiations, I try to be considerate of the other person's wishes.
26
A=CS
I propose a middle ground to resolve differences.
B=CP
I'm nearly always concerned with satisfying the wishes of all parties.
27
A=AW
I sometimes avoid taking positions that would create controversy.
B=AS
To make the other person happy, I might concede my differences and accept their opinion.
28
A=CF
I usually focussed on pursuing my goals, sometimes relentlessly.
B=CP
I usually seek the other person's help in working out a solution to our differences.
29
A=CS
I propose a middle ground to resolve differences.
B=AW
I feel the differences are not worth worrying about.
30
A=AS
I try not to hurt the other person's feelings.
B=CP
I communicate the problem to the other so we can work our our differences.
Now SCORE YOURSELF:
Count up how many you have for each of CF, CP, CS, AW, AS.
EXPLANATION:
CF is Competing and Forcing
CP is Collaborating and Problem Solving
CS is Compromising and Sharing
AW is Avoiding and Withdrawing
AS is Accomodating and Smoothing
Thank you: "Managing Differences" Geri McArdle
All of the different styles will be problem solving in different circumstances and with different people - it sometimes also depends on their age (and your age) as well.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION:
Which have you discovered is your favoured style?
In what ways is this surprising to you?
In which circumstances is your usual style problem solving?
Problem solving for whom?
Which styles of dealing with differences were less known to you before?
In which circumstances is your usual style problem creating?
Problem creating for whom?
Which styles work with which people in your life?
Which styles do not work with which people?
Which style is frustrating for you?
Which styles feel risky/dangerous to you?
How can you increase your ways of dealing with differences?
Who do you know who uses a style you need to/want to learn?
How can you learn from them?
Who can you talk to about this exercise?
What are you learning about yourself?
What are you learning about your spouse?
What will you do differently in the next week?
What will you do differently the next time you differ with someone?
What will you do differently the next time you are in a group and differ with the group?
Get a piece of paper and write at the top of columns:
CF, CP, CS, AW, AS. As you go through the questions, sort your answers into the five columns. (You might use both alternatives in each number - mark both columns if that is the case.)
1
A=AW
There are times when I let others take responsibility for solving the problem.
B=AS
Rather than negotiate an agreement, I try to resolve only what the other and I can agree on.
2
A =CS
I tend to find a compromise for both parties during our differing times.
B=CP
I try to soothe the other person's feelings to preserve the relationship.
3
A=CF
I usually remain firm in the pursuit of my goals.
B =AS
I try to comfort the other to preserve the relationship.
4
A=CS
I try to find a compromise when I am faced with different points of view.
B=AS
I sometimes sacrifice my own point of view for that of another person.
5
A=CP
I consistently seek help in resolving differences.
B=AW
I usually try to resolve differences on my own.
6
A=AW
I am willing to do what is necessary to avoid tension when I differ with another.
B =CF
I try to win my position.
7
A=AW
I try to postpone dealing with differences until I have had time to think over the situation.
B=CS
I will concede some of my points in exchange for others.
8
A=CF
I do not often change/modify my goals.
B=CP
I attempt to get all concerns and issues immediately out in the open.
9
A=AW
Differences are not always worth worrying about.
B=CF
I make some effort to get my way in spite of immediate differences.
10
A=CF
I'm firm in expressing and pursuing my goals.
B=CS
I try to find a compromise solution.
11
A=CP
I attempt to get all the differences out in the open as soon as possible.
B=AS
I might try to soothe the other person's feelings to preserve the relationship.
12
A=AW
I sometimes avoid taking a position that would create controversial differences.
B=CS
I'll concede certain issues to the other person if he/she will concede some to me.
13
A=CS
I will propose finding a middle ground.
B=CF
I press issues of difference to make my points.
14
A=CP
I tell the other person my ideas and ask for his/hers in return.
B=CF
I try to persuade the other party to accept the merits of my position.
15
A=AS
I might try to soothe the other person's feelings to preserve the relationship, despite our differences.
B=AW
I try to do what is necessary to avoid tension when there are differences.
16
A=AS
I try not to hurt other's feelings if we have differences.
B=CF
I try fervently to persuade the other/s to understand and accept my point of view.
17
A=CF
I'm usually unyielding in pursuing my goals.
B=AW
I don't try to convince the other person to accept the merits of my position.
18
A=AS
If it makes the other person happy, I might let a group maintain their point of view.
B=CS
I'll concede certain issues to the other person if he/she will concede some to me.
19
A=CP
I try to get all concerns and issues immediately out in the open.
B=AW
I try to postpone the issue until I've had time to think it over.
20
A=CP
I immediately attempt to work through the differences people have between them.
B=CS
I try to find a fair balance of gains and losses for both people.
21
A=AS
In approaching negotiations, I try to consider the other person's wishes.
B=CP
I always lean toward a direct discussion of the problem.
22
A=CS
I try to find a position intermediate between the other's position and my own.
B=CF
I try to convince the other person of the strengths of my position.
23
A=CP
I'm often concerned with satisfying everyone's wishes.
B=AW
At times, I let others take responsibility for solving our problems.
24
A=AS
If another person's position seems very important to them, I try to meet their wishes.
B=CS
I try to get the other person to compromise his/her position.
25
A=CF
I try to show the other person the advantages of my position.
B=AS
In approaching negotiations, I try to be considerate of the other person's wishes.
26
A=CS
I propose a middle ground to resolve differences.
B=CP
I'm nearly always concerned with satisfying the wishes of all parties.
27
A=AW
I sometimes avoid taking positions that would create controversy.
B=AS
To make the other person happy, I might concede my differences and accept their opinion.
28
A=CF
I usually focussed on pursuing my goals, sometimes relentlessly.
B=CP
I usually seek the other person's help in working out a solution to our differences.
29
A=CS
I propose a middle ground to resolve differences.
B=AW
I feel the differences are not worth worrying about.
30
A=AS
I try not to hurt the other person's feelings.
B=CP
I communicate the problem to the other so we can work our our differences.
Now SCORE YOURSELF:
Count up how many you have for each of CF, CP, CS, AW, AS.
EXPLANATION:
CF is Competing and Forcing
CP is Collaborating and Problem Solving
CS is Compromising and Sharing
AW is Avoiding and Withdrawing
AS is Accomodating and Smoothing
Thank you: "Managing Differences" Geri McArdle
All of the different styles will be problem solving in different circumstances and with different people - it sometimes also depends on their age (and your age) as well.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION:
Which have you discovered is your favoured style?
In what ways is this surprising to you?
In which circumstances is your usual style problem solving?
Problem solving for whom?
Which styles of dealing with differences were less known to you before?
In which circumstances is your usual style problem creating?
Problem creating for whom?
Which styles work with which people in your life?
Which styles do not work with which people?
Which style is frustrating for you?
Which styles feel risky/dangerous to you?
How can you increase your ways of dealing with differences?
Who do you know who uses a style you need to/want to learn?
How can you learn from them?
Who can you talk to about this exercise?
What are you learning about yourself?
What are you learning about your spouse?
What will you do differently in the next week?
What will you do differently the next time you differ with someone?
What will you do differently the next time you are in a group and differ with the group?
Friday, February 20, 2009
Some days...
"Some days I am in love, some days I am not. But you know what?
Every day I am married."
Quoted by Roland Gaspar on Radio Pulpit
Every day I am married."
Quoted by Roland Gaspar on Radio Pulpit
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Explore Your Dependencies and Addictions
Signs of Unhealthy Dependency/Addiction:
Dependency is usually a slowly developing
condition that catches up on me when I have
been less aware of myself and my
circumstances for a while.
The immediate effects seem good, but after a
period of time I realize that I am shockingly
painfully, harmfully dependent on/addicted to
a substance or behaviour.
The Truth is: Very few people manage their own
lives again without sufficient and effective
professional help.
I may need competent help to bring myself
to balance and under my own subjection again.
There are many signs of unhealthy dependence.
Some of the most obvious ones include:
1 Escaping stress by using a substance
or behaviour. (rather than managing/solving)
2 Developing a tolerance for a substance or
behaviour.
3 Having black-outs or blank-outs.
4 Being secretive about a substance or behaviour.
5 Using a substance or behaviour to anaesthetise
the (sometimes) excruciating/ordinary pain of living.
6 Suffering physical problems: liver disease, trembling,
pains, brain damage.
7 Developing unrealistic fears.
8 Being very aggressive - verbally and/or physically.
9 Feeling extremely sad, sorry and/or guilty.
10 Feeling better than/more important than other people -
or feeling worse than/less important than others.
11 Feeling like you just HAVE TO have another dose
of a substance or behaviour, and then another…
and another… (feeling out of your own control)
12 Lying about using a substance or behaviour.
13 Losing your appetite and eating poorly/oveating.
14 Not caring properly for yourself physically/mentally.
15 Storing and hiding a substance or behaviour.
16 Becoming suspicious and jealous.
17 Using a substance or behaviour from early in the
morning/week/month.
18 Staying blacked-out or blanked out for several days
in a row.
19 Suffering mental functioning problems: can't think
straight, brain feels fuzzy.
20 Being very, overly helpful to others at the expense
of self, family, home, work, other commitments.
Time to take an accounting!
I am either healthily, problem solvingly, stress relievingly free from or reliant/dependent on...
or unhealthily, problem creatingly, stress increasingly reliant or dependent on/addicted to...
Score yourself:
F = Free,
1 = Healthy, problem solving
through 2 and 3 to
4 = Unhealthy, problem creating
Alcohol
Drugs - L = legal / I = illegal
Tobacco
Food or some foods
Shopping/spending money
Saving/thrift
Sport/movement
Fitness/exercise
Sleeping/withdrawing
Solitude/reading/studying/learning
Entertainment/fun/playing
Humour/joking/teasing
Television/TV games
Art/drama/dance
Gambling with money/possessions
Speed/danger/recklessness/risk
Helping others
People/friends/peers
Religion/church/scriptures
Over dramatization
Position/influence/superiority
Sexual activity/thoughts
Aggression - verbal and/or physical
Anger/Rage - inward or outward
Hobbies/interests
Lying/deceiving/pretending/hoping
Feeling sorry for myself
Depression
Work - formal or informal
How did you do?
Where can you start to make a difference in your
dependencies and/or addictions?
Decide to start today!
When you slip - and most of us have on our life-long
journey to sobriety, balance and success -
Sigh. Simply pick yourself up, dust yourself off...
and start all over again, and again and again
until you are more and more in charge of yourself.
Who can help you? Ask for the help you need.
Ether 12:27
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their aweakness. I bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my cgrace is sufficient for all men that dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make eweak things become strong unto them."
Psalms 11:14
14 Where no acounsel is, the people fall: but in the bmultitude of ccounsellors there is safety.
Dependency is usually a slowly developing
condition that catches up on me when I have
been less aware of myself and my
circumstances for a while.
The immediate effects seem good, but after a
period of time I realize that I am shockingly
painfully, harmfully dependent on/addicted to
a substance or behaviour.
The Truth is: Very few people manage their own
lives again without sufficient and effective
professional help.
I may need competent help to bring myself
to balance and under my own subjection again.
There are many signs of unhealthy dependence.
Some of the most obvious ones include:
1 Escaping stress by using a substance
or behaviour. (rather than managing/solving)
2 Developing a tolerance for a substance or
behaviour.
3 Having black-outs or blank-outs.
4 Being secretive about a substance or behaviour.
5 Using a substance or behaviour to anaesthetise
the (sometimes) excruciating/ordinary pain of living.
6 Suffering physical problems: liver disease, trembling,
pains, brain damage.
7 Developing unrealistic fears.
8 Being very aggressive - verbally and/or physically.
9 Feeling extremely sad, sorry and/or guilty.
10 Feeling better than/more important than other people -
or feeling worse than/less important than others.
11 Feeling like you just HAVE TO have another dose
of a substance or behaviour, and then another…
and another… (feeling out of your own control)
12 Lying about using a substance or behaviour.
13 Losing your appetite and eating poorly/oveating.
14 Not caring properly for yourself physically/mentally.
15 Storing and hiding a substance or behaviour.
16 Becoming suspicious and jealous.
17 Using a substance or behaviour from early in the
morning/week/month.
18 Staying blacked-out or blanked out for several days
in a row.
19 Suffering mental functioning problems: can't think
straight, brain feels fuzzy.
20 Being very, overly helpful to others at the expense
of self, family, home, work, other commitments.
Time to take an accounting!
I am either healthily, problem solvingly, stress relievingly free from or reliant/dependent on...
or unhealthily, problem creatingly, stress increasingly reliant or dependent on/addicted to...
Score yourself:
F = Free,
1 = Healthy, problem solving
through 2 and 3 to
4 = Unhealthy, problem creating
Alcohol
Drugs - L = legal / I = illegal
Tobacco
Food or some foods
Shopping/spending money
Saving/thrift
Sport/movement
Fitness/exercise
Sleeping/withdrawing
Solitude/reading/studying/learning
Entertainment/fun/playing
Humour/joking/teasing
Television/TV games
Art/drama/dance
Gambling with money/possessions
Speed/danger/recklessness/risk
Helping others
People/friends/peers
Religion/church/scriptures
Over dramatization
Position/influence/superiority
Sexual activity/thoughts
Aggression - verbal and/or physical
Anger/Rage - inward or outward
Hobbies/interests
Lying/deceiving/pretending/hoping
Feeling sorry for myself
Depression
Work - formal or informal
How did you do?
Where can you start to make a difference in your
dependencies and/or addictions?
Decide to start today!
When you slip - and most of us have on our life-long
journey to sobriety, balance and success -
Sigh. Simply pick yourself up, dust yourself off...
and start all over again, and again and again
until you are more and more in charge of yourself.
Who can help you? Ask for the help you need.
Ether 12:27
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their aweakness. I bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my cgrace is sufficient for all men that dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make eweak things become strong unto them."
Psalms 11:14
14 Where no acounsel is, the people fall: but in the bmultitude of ccounsellors there is safety.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Tears
You may cry if you want to, because my admiration for you cannot be erased by your tears. - M Maartens
Tears are the rivers of life, shed in joy as well as in sadness and fear. - Louise L Hay
You cry when you are able to cry. Dr Oswald CJ Hoffmann "Take Heart in your Grief"
God didn't goof when he gave us tear-ducts. Michael Ballam
Rent a sad movie - cry. - Oprah Winfrey
Tears are the rivers of life, shed in joy as well as in sadness and fear. - Louise L Hay
You cry when you are able to cry. Dr Oswald CJ Hoffmann "Take Heart in your Grief"
God didn't goof when he gave us tear-ducts. Michael Ballam
Rent a sad movie - cry. - Oprah Winfrey
Monday, February 2, 2009
Conflict - Learn how to "Fight Fair"
Let go of your habitual unfair, undignified, unsuccessful fighting styles:
Swallowing your gripes, then dumping them all at once – this is called “kitchen-sink-ing” by some authors X
Playing Prosecutor or Interrogator or Persecutor X
Getting too intense X
Waving off, or dismissing as “not that big a deal”, the other’s grievances X
Trying to Win at all costs. Succeeding in winning is even more devastating X
Not letting your spouse know you love him/her X
Getting defensive. Withdrawing, crumbling, trying to defend yourself X
Getting aggressive. Being critical, fault-finding, hurtfully-jabbing, nasty, ridiculing, sarcastic, mocking, contemptuous, rude, disrespectful, unmannerly X
“Naming, blaming and/or shaming” of self or other X
“When someone is hostile, my instinct is to find out why.” – Cynthia Cooper
(When I am hostile, time to go searching inside me, past, present and future, for anger roots.)
“You can get away with bad fighting habits for only so long, once you are faced with a major crisis, if you haven’t developed good problem-solving skills, you’ll be at greater risk of troubles with your relationship.” - Sybil Carrere
“Often what you are arguing about on the surface isn’t really what the fight is about.”
- Sybil Carrere
“Although your anger feels real, it’s only temporary.” – Renee Bacher
“When you find yourself saying ‘Yes, but…’ it’s a sign that you’ve slammed your mind shut to what the other person has just said.” – Renee Bacher
“You have a choice every time you say something to each other. You can choose: to tear down your relationship or you can nurture it.” - Sybil Carrere
“Ask yourself ‘Would I talk to my best friend or my boss the way I am about to speak to my husband/wife?’ Then choose your words carefully.” - Sybil Carrere
Thank you: Cynthia Cooper, Sybil Carrere, Renee Bacher - RD - Oct 2003 p62, T - Dec 2002 p 51
Some Well Documented Better Strategies for : “Fighting Fair” - Managing your conflicts more effectively and problem-solvingly:
1. Talk, talk, talk. If the situation gets ugly or unfruitful, take a ‘time-out’. Do some ‘weeding’ of your own resentments and bitterness’s and other bad habits. Talk again – as soon as you both can. “It is better to debate an issue and not settle it than to settle an issue and not debate it”.
2. Try until you succeed. Accurately get to understanding your own, and the other’s, feelings, significance, and point of view. This may take years.
3. Be increasingly sensitive and honest about your own and the other’s feelings and hidden agendas – work gently and respectfully, respectably. Develop a genuine interest in your own and the other’s feelings and point of view.
4. Come clean. Your true cause and motive for your feud? Seek the other’s deep reasons for the conflict. “What am I/are you afraid of?” “What might be the fear?”
5. Ask yourself (and maybe the other) “Is this productive?” “Now?”
6. Stick to the point at hand. If you want to discuss other things, do it later.
7. Try something (anything!) different – get out of your ‘repetitive cycles’ and unproductive patterns “If you keep on doing what you have always done, you will keep on getting what you have always got”.
8. Stay connected. Get connected again, when you can, if your ‘connection’ has frayed. Introduce some positives, and make some ‘deposits’ into your relationship.
9. Find ways to nurture your relationship mid-dispute, creatively.
10. Let your spouse know by your big and small actions, between disputes, how much they are genuinely respected, cared about, listened to, loved.
11. After discussion, find Compromises that please you both – keep working toward compromises – however long it takes
12. Co-exist (“agree to disagree, agreeably”) for as long as you have to
13. Collaborate more and more – celebrate your differences. Make them work increasingly FOR you instead of AGAINST you – turn your defeats into victories. “Two heads are better than one.” “We are a magnificent team.”
14. Work towards WIN/WIN situations and let go of the lose/win and the win/lose. These are usually personal and relationship losses.
15. Keep conflict-avoidance to a minimum. Have regular, small, gentle clean-outs of ‘issues’. “How are you doing? Do we have anything to clear up?”
16. Promise yourself not to dismiss gripes “If this is important to you, it’s important to me too. I want to understand you and how this looks to you.”
17. Take a breather. Rephrase. What are you hearing? Work on your own approach. If you get stuck the same way, over and over, ask someone you trust and respect for some ideas. Keep searching until you find what works for you.
18. Cultivate your own problem-solving, mild, appropriate sense of humour.
19. Breathe deeply, regularly. Strong emotions need lots of oxygenated blood flowing to the body and brain-in-stress.
20. GROW UP – Get Rid Of (your own) Weaknesses - Under Pressure. (Steadily, forever.) Change yourself - you can't change anybody else.
Swallowing your gripes, then dumping them all at once – this is called “kitchen-sink-ing” by some authors X
Playing Prosecutor or Interrogator or Persecutor X
Getting too intense X
Waving off, or dismissing as “not that big a deal”, the other’s grievances X
Trying to Win at all costs. Succeeding in winning is even more devastating X
Not letting your spouse know you love him/her X
Getting defensive. Withdrawing, crumbling, trying to defend yourself X
Getting aggressive. Being critical, fault-finding, hurtfully-jabbing, nasty, ridiculing, sarcastic, mocking, contemptuous, rude, disrespectful, unmannerly X
“Naming, blaming and/or shaming” of self or other X
“When someone is hostile, my instinct is to find out why.” – Cynthia Cooper
(When I am hostile, time to go searching inside me, past, present and future, for anger roots.)
“You can get away with bad fighting habits for only so long, once you are faced with a major crisis, if you haven’t developed good problem-solving skills, you’ll be at greater risk of troubles with your relationship.” - Sybil Carrere
“Often what you are arguing about on the surface isn’t really what the fight is about.”
- Sybil Carrere
“Although your anger feels real, it’s only temporary.” – Renee Bacher
“When you find yourself saying ‘Yes, but…’ it’s a sign that you’ve slammed your mind shut to what the other person has just said.” – Renee Bacher
“You have a choice every time you say something to each other. You can choose: to tear down your relationship or you can nurture it.” - Sybil Carrere
“Ask yourself ‘Would I talk to my best friend or my boss the way I am about to speak to my husband/wife?’ Then choose your words carefully.” - Sybil Carrere
Thank you: Cynthia Cooper, Sybil Carrere, Renee Bacher - RD - Oct 2003 p62, T - Dec 2002 p 51
Some Well Documented Better Strategies for : “Fighting Fair” - Managing your conflicts more effectively and problem-solvingly:
1. Talk, talk, talk. If the situation gets ugly or unfruitful, take a ‘time-out’. Do some ‘weeding’ of your own resentments and bitterness’s and other bad habits. Talk again – as soon as you both can. “It is better to debate an issue and not settle it than to settle an issue and not debate it”.
2. Try until you succeed. Accurately get to understanding your own, and the other’s, feelings, significance, and point of view. This may take years.
3. Be increasingly sensitive and honest about your own and the other’s feelings and hidden agendas – work gently and respectfully, respectably. Develop a genuine interest in your own and the other’s feelings and point of view.
4. Come clean. Your true cause and motive for your feud? Seek the other’s deep reasons for the conflict. “What am I/are you afraid of?” “What might be the fear?”
5. Ask yourself (and maybe the other) “Is this productive?” “Now?”
6. Stick to the point at hand. If you want to discuss other things, do it later.
7. Try something (anything!) different – get out of your ‘repetitive cycles’ and unproductive patterns “If you keep on doing what you have always done, you will keep on getting what you have always got”.
8. Stay connected. Get connected again, when you can, if your ‘connection’ has frayed. Introduce some positives, and make some ‘deposits’ into your relationship.
9. Find ways to nurture your relationship mid-dispute, creatively.
10. Let your spouse know by your big and small actions, between disputes, how much they are genuinely respected, cared about, listened to, loved.
11. After discussion, find Compromises that please you both – keep working toward compromises – however long it takes
12. Co-exist (“agree to disagree, agreeably”) for as long as you have to
13. Collaborate more and more – celebrate your differences. Make them work increasingly FOR you instead of AGAINST you – turn your defeats into victories. “Two heads are better than one.” “We are a magnificent team.”
14. Work towards WIN/WIN situations and let go of the lose/win and the win/lose. These are usually personal and relationship losses.
15. Keep conflict-avoidance to a minimum. Have regular, small, gentle clean-outs of ‘issues’. “How are you doing? Do we have anything to clear up?”
16. Promise yourself not to dismiss gripes “If this is important to you, it’s important to me too. I want to understand you and how this looks to you.”
17. Take a breather. Rephrase. What are you hearing? Work on your own approach. If you get stuck the same way, over and over, ask someone you trust and respect for some ideas. Keep searching until you find what works for you.
18. Cultivate your own problem-solving, mild, appropriate sense of humour.
19. Breathe deeply, regularly. Strong emotions need lots of oxygenated blood flowing to the body and brain-in-stress.
20. GROW UP – Get Rid Of (your own) Weaknesses - Under Pressure. (Steadily, forever.) Change yourself - you can't change anybody else.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
FISH!
FISH! - Find the Best in Your Marriage...
1. CHOOSE YOUR ATTITUDE
When you go around looking for the worst, you find it everywhere.
When you realize you have the power to choose your attitude to what occurs in your marriage and your life, you can prepare for the worst, expect the best, and find opportunities you never imagined possible.
When you find yourself with an attitude that is not good, true and useful to you at any given moment, choose a new and improved, more appropriate one!
2. PLAY!
Work, made fun, gets done. Even serious work, done by choosing a lighthearted, spontaneous way, is more satisfying.
Play is not just an activity; it’s a state of mind (and being) that brings new energy to the tasks at your hand. Playfulness sparks creative solutions.
3. MAKE THEIR DAY
When you “Make someone’s day” (or moment) through a small kindness or unforgettable engagement with them, you can turn even routine encounters into special memories.
4. BE THERE
The glue of our humanity is in being fully present for one another. “Being" and "Being there” is a great way to practice wholeheartedness and fight burnout.
It is those half-hearted tasks you perform while juggling other things that wear you out.
Try the FISH! Philosophy – it will make a difference to your days too.
Adapted from the book "FISH!"
by Stephen C Lundin, John Christensen, and Harry Paul
1. CHOOSE YOUR ATTITUDE
When you go around looking for the worst, you find it everywhere.
When you realize you have the power to choose your attitude to what occurs in your marriage and your life, you can prepare for the worst, expect the best, and find opportunities you never imagined possible.
When you find yourself with an attitude that is not good, true and useful to you at any given moment, choose a new and improved, more appropriate one!
2. PLAY!
Work, made fun, gets done. Even serious work, done by choosing a lighthearted, spontaneous way, is more satisfying.
Play is not just an activity; it’s a state of mind (and being) that brings new energy to the tasks at your hand. Playfulness sparks creative solutions.
3. MAKE THEIR DAY
When you “Make someone’s day” (or moment) through a small kindness or unforgettable engagement with them, you can turn even routine encounters into special memories.
4. BE THERE
The glue of our humanity is in being fully present for one another. “Being" and "Being there” is a great way to practice wholeheartedness and fight burnout.
It is those half-hearted tasks you perform while juggling other things that wear you out.
Try the FISH! Philosophy – it will make a difference to your days too.
Adapted from the book "FISH!"
by Stephen C Lundin, John Christensen, and Harry Paul
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
How Do You Feel? S - Z
Sad
Safe
Sarcastic
Satisfied
Scared
Sceptical
Scorned
Secretive
Secure
Seductive
Selfish
Sensible
Sensitive
Sensual
Sentimental
Serene
Serious
Servile
Sexless
Sexual
Sexy
Shamed
Shameful
Shattered
Shocked
Shrewd
Shy
Significant
Silenced
Silent
Silly
Sleepy
Sly
Smart
Smiling
Smothered
Smothering
Sneaky
Sneering
Sociable
Solemn
Sorrowful
Sorry
Sparing
Special
Spirited
Spoilt
Stable
Stalked
Stalking
Startled
Stopped
Strained
Stretched
Stripped
Strong
Stubborn
Stumped
Stupid
Submissive
Successful
Superior
Supported
Suppressed
Surprised
Surprising
Surviving
Survivor
Suspicious
Sympathetic
Tactful
Talented
Targeted
Taunted
Taunting
Tearful
Tenacious
Tender
Tense
Terrified
Thankful
Thoughtful
Thrilled
Timid
Tired
Tireless
Tolerant
Tortured
Touched
Trapped
Traumatised
Trusted
Trusting
Trustworthy
Truthful
Turbulent
Turmoil
Tyranical
Unappreciated
Unapproachable
Unconventional
Underprivileged
Understood
Unequal
Unequalled
Unforgiven
Unforgiving
Unfulfilled
Ungracious
Unhappy
Unimportant
Unique
Unimportant
Unnoticed
Unsafe
Unsatisfied
Unsettled
Unstable
Untalented
Unyielding
Used
Useless
Waiting
Warm
Wasteful
Weak
Wicked
Wild
Willing
Wise
Wishy-washy
Wistful
Withdrawn
Woeful
Worried
Worthwhile
Yearning
Yielding
Young
Zany
Zealous
Go on! Try some of these words to describe how YOU are feeling! Vary your reflection of the feelings of the others around you. It's part of Emotional Intelligence. There's a good book written by Daniel Goleman called "Emotional Intelligence." I recommend it for a good read.
Safe
Sarcastic
Satisfied
Scared
Sceptical
Scorned
Secretive
Secure
Seductive
Selfish
Sensible
Sensitive
Sensual
Sentimental
Serene
Serious
Servile
Sexless
Sexual
Sexy
Shamed
Shameful
Shattered
Shocked
Shrewd
Shy
Significant
Silenced
Silent
Silly
Sleepy
Sly
Smart
Smiling
Smothered
Smothering
Sneaky
Sneering
Sociable
Solemn
Sorrowful
Sorry
Sparing
Special
Spirited
Spoilt
Stable
Stalked
Stalking
Startled
Stopped
Strained
Stretched
Stripped
Strong
Stubborn
Stumped
Stupid
Submissive
Successful
Superior
Supported
Suppressed
Surprised
Surprising
Surviving
Survivor
Suspicious
Sympathetic
Tactful
Talented
Targeted
Taunted
Taunting
Tearful
Tenacious
Tender
Tense
Terrified
Thankful
Thoughtful
Thrilled
Timid
Tired
Tireless
Tolerant
Tortured
Touched
Trapped
Traumatised
Trusted
Trusting
Trustworthy
Truthful
Turbulent
Turmoil
Tyranical
Unappreciated
Unapproachable
Unconventional
Underprivileged
Understood
Unequal
Unequalled
Unforgiven
Unforgiving
Unfulfilled
Ungracious
Unhappy
Unimportant
Unique
Unimportant
Unnoticed
Unsafe
Unsatisfied
Unsettled
Unstable
Untalented
Unyielding
Used
Useless
Waiting
Warm
Wasteful
Weak
Wicked
Wild
Willing
Wise
Wishy-washy
Wistful
Withdrawn
Woeful
Worried
Worthwhile
Yearning
Yielding
Young
Zany
Zealous
Go on! Try some of these words to describe how YOU are feeling! Vary your reflection of the feelings of the others around you. It's part of Emotional Intelligence. There's a good book written by Daniel Goleman called "Emotional Intelligence." I recommend it for a good read.
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