Number 5 of this series of 12 Traps:
Dear Friend
How’s this for a TRAP - Dr Brent A Barlow invites us to consider:
The Talk Trap
The TALK TRAP:
The inability or unwillingness to do much more than exchange information with a marriage partner on a routine, day-to-day basis.
Talk: To communicate or exchange ideas or information by speaking: to consult or confer.
Are you and/or I living in a state of “Irish Divorce”? Dr Barlow quotes John Connolly describing it: “…miserable though married. They don’t talk much to each other, and they seldom go anywhere together. Publicly, few may know of the (real) condition of their marriage. There is a no legal separation, but psychologically and emotionally they leave each other.” Food for deep thought for all of us.
“Isn’t it interesting that, in general, men prefer to talk about things outside of themselves, whereas most women would rather discuss topics of a personal nature?” says Casey Peterson. Therefore: “I tended to be direct and practical and Debbie (his wife) wanted a sympathetic listener. I wanted to fix all her problems and often said “Here’s what ya do.”… In short, I was an advice-giver, not a listener.
"What we’ve both learned is to state our needs – if I want support (just listening), I ask for it. If I want advice (more than just listening), I ask for that.”
Husbands and wives may talk and listen for different reasons. What are yours do you think?
Talking usually takes place on one of four levels: Which is/are your favourite/s?
(1) Things (2) People (3) Ideas (4) Feelings
How can you and I increase our competence and use all four? When is it appropriate to use which level?
Here are two important Communication Skills:
CARING: “If caring is the key to effective communication, and I suggest it is, then we would improve our communication skills by becoming more caring people.” – Dr Barlow (See the previous Out of the Blue!)
LISTENING: “Many of us believe we are good listeners just because we keep quiet when someone is speaking… Paying attention to our spouse when he/she is talking is not only a courtesy, but it is also an important key to sharing and understanding…” - Dr Brent A Barlow
“Listening, like reading, is primarily an activity of the mind, not of the ear or the eye. When the mind is not actively involved in the process, it should be called hearing, not listening.” - Dr Mortimer Adler
A major mistake most people make in listening is in regarding it as a passive reception rather than as active participation. “The catcher behind the plate is just as active a baseball player as the pitcher on the mound. Receiving the ball… requires as much skill, though it is a skill of a different kind. Without the complementary efforts of both players, properly attuned to each other, the play cannot be completed.
“Of course, the fault may not always lie with the listener. The failure to catch a wild pitch is not the catchers fault.” - Dr Adler
Getting out of the TALK TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something! Start today.
Here are some deep level communication sentences
to complete and discuss: this will give you a “kick start”
1. I feel closest to you spiritually when…
2. I feel most inspired…
3. Religion to me is…
4. Spirituality to me is…
5. The most spiritual thing that has ever happened to me is…
6. The time I feel most hopeful is…
7. The things that are most worth living for now are…
Here’s an exercise: One of you is A, the other B:
A: take a stand, or give an opinion on a
particular topic or issue.
State two or three reasons for your
point of view.
B: listen (look at A – face and body language,
listen to the words used and also the
tone of voice).
Restate A’s position as best you can.
Restate reasons for his/her point of view.
Agree or disagree.
Give two or three reasons why.
A: listen attentively (look well and listen well).
Restate B’s position as best you can.
Restate B’s reasons for his/her point of view.
Agree or disagree.
Give two or three reasons why.
Carry on the pattern and see what happens.
No doubt you’ll learn something about yourself and also about your spouse.
If you simply can’t be peaceful about having different opinions, take a “Time Out” and/or say something like “We sure do disagree/feel very strongly on this don’t we? I can and will disagree agreeably. I respect your point of view – I respect my own too. I’ll think about this over the next few days. Thank you for sharing your ideas/feelings with me. I love you.”
"Till next time...
Monday, July 28, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
The Tenderness Trap
Number 4 of this series of 12 Traps:
Dear Friend
Here I am again with the next trap Dr Brent A Barlow invites us to consider:
The Tenderness Trap
The TENDERNESS TRAP:
The inability or unwillingness of a married couple to be kind, loving, caring, or tender with each other.
Tenderness: The quality of being easily moved to sympathy or compassion; kindness; affection or love.
“Many husbands, I believe, are caught in the tenderness trap because they mistakenly come to believe that being tender is not manly.” says Dr Barlow.
“A great many… males,… (have) the mistaken notion that women respond to toughness, abrasiveness, and even cruelty... Many men do not realize today that women deem tenderness, love, and caring as a strength, not a weakness. In essence, it is masculine to be tender, and there are few things more effective that a husband can do to draw his wife near to him than kindness and care for her and their children.” He continues.
Some women think “he’ll get a big head/ get dominating if I am tender to him”
For those of us who strive to abide by the Bible – consider John 13:34, 35: as disciples of Jesus Christ, we are to become known as a loving people. 1 John 3:18: “let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed” Dictionary definition of “deed” – thing consciously done, especially one noted for its motive…
“Caring for each other – and for ourselves – is essential to the good life” George Bach wrote in a book titled A Time for Caring. “Many have learned to be superficially caring in the outside world because others will respond… Then, when we return home, we fail to demonstrate what (little!) caring skills we do have to those we live with and are around the most – our spouses and our children.”
“We have found… that unless husbands and wives are basically caring people, all these tools (communication, decision making, conflict resolution), or skills if you will, are useless” Dr Barlow again.
If either of you are not being tender with each other by choice or by chance: remember that you are not only missing out on the best of love and marriage, but you are sowing the seeds of marital destruction.
Getting out of the TENDERNESS TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something! – Do something every, every day
1. Say: “I love you”
2. Share: personal matters, concerns, interests
3. Support: emotional and moral sustaining
4. Spend: (costly to costless ) – gifts
5. Show: physical: touching, hugging and kissing - non-sexual as well as sexual
6. Show: emotional: tolerance, patience
7. Show: actions of kindness (with no expectations!)
Be specific – what exactly?
Be understandable – what clearly?
Be measurable – how will I know it is done/I have done it?
Be future oriented – who/how do I want to become?
Be “small” – choose something that is not exhaustive to me
(It’s better to do more in time than to do less)
Instructions for the following lists of at least 12 items:
Make a list of “loving deeds” I would love from my spouse:
I give the list to my spouse so he/she will know what
I consider “loving deeds” at this time of our lives –
I will EXPECT nothing from this list to be done,
I will HOPE that at some time in my life, somehow, all of
the“loving deeds” will be done by someone, if not my spouse
Make a list of “loving deeds” I want to do for my spouse:
(I will do one per day and monitor my own progress regularly)
How many “loving deeds” was I able to accomplish?
Were my “loving deeds” received and understood as such?
What modifications might I need to make to my list?
Which “loving deeds” do I want to keep on my TO DO list?
What new “loving deeds” would I like to add?
What “loving deeds” would I like to do in the next two weeks?
(If my spounse can't receive all the loving deeds I have to give yet...
well, spread them around for now - there are so many needy people
in the world - just be sure you give your loving gifts safely for
you and also for the recipients)
Discuss the “loving deeds” exercise together if you can
If you can’t discuss the exercise, do the “deeds” anyway!
This is a start – Be Ongoing - forever
TLC rather than RT = Tender Loving Care rather than Rough Treatment
It’s Tough To Be Tender – Let’s be tough enough to be tender! And its Tough To Be Tender if you are tender… Let’s be tender anyway – that’s the better way, most of the time, to be whole and wholesome.
Who Cares? - ME! ME! Let it be me, let it be me.
Strength to you as you join me and many others in deliberate efforts to be more loving and tender in our marriages.
Dear Friend
Here I am again with the next trap Dr Brent A Barlow invites us to consider:
The Tenderness Trap
The TENDERNESS TRAP:
The inability or unwillingness of a married couple to be kind, loving, caring, or tender with each other.
Tenderness: The quality of being easily moved to sympathy or compassion; kindness; affection or love.
“Many husbands, I believe, are caught in the tenderness trap because they mistakenly come to believe that being tender is not manly.” says Dr Barlow.
“A great many… males,… (have) the mistaken notion that women respond to toughness, abrasiveness, and even cruelty... Many men do not realize today that women deem tenderness, love, and caring as a strength, not a weakness. In essence, it is masculine to be tender, and there are few things more effective that a husband can do to draw his wife near to him than kindness and care for her and their children.” He continues.
Some women think “he’ll get a big head/ get dominating if I am tender to him”
For those of us who strive to abide by the Bible – consider John 13:34, 35: as disciples of Jesus Christ, we are to become known as a loving people. 1 John 3:18: “let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed” Dictionary definition of “deed” – thing consciously done, especially one noted for its motive…
“Caring for each other – and for ourselves – is essential to the good life” George Bach wrote in a book titled A Time for Caring. “Many have learned to be superficially caring in the outside world because others will respond… Then, when we return home, we fail to demonstrate what (little!) caring skills we do have to those we live with and are around the most – our spouses and our children.”
“We have found… that unless husbands and wives are basically caring people, all these tools (communication, decision making, conflict resolution), or skills if you will, are useless” Dr Barlow again.
If either of you are not being tender with each other by choice or by chance: remember that you are not only missing out on the best of love and marriage, but you are sowing the seeds of marital destruction.
Getting out of the TENDERNESS TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something! – Do something every, every day
1. Say: “I love you”
2. Share: personal matters, concerns, interests
3. Support: emotional and moral sustaining
4. Spend: (costly to costless ) – gifts
5. Show: physical: touching, hugging and kissing - non-sexual as well as sexual
6. Show: emotional: tolerance, patience
7. Show: actions of kindness (with no expectations!)
Be specific – what exactly?
Be understandable – what clearly?
Be measurable – how will I know it is done/I have done it?
Be future oriented – who/how do I want to become?
Be “small” – choose something that is not exhaustive to me
(It’s better to do more in time than to do less)
Instructions for the following lists of at least 12 items:
Make a list of “loving deeds” I would love from my spouse:
I give the list to my spouse so he/she will know what
I consider “loving deeds” at this time of our lives –
I will EXPECT nothing from this list to be done,
I will HOPE that at some time in my life, somehow, all of
the“loving deeds” will be done by someone, if not my spouse
Make a list of “loving deeds” I want to do for my spouse:
(I will do one per day and monitor my own progress regularly)
How many “loving deeds” was I able to accomplish?
Were my “loving deeds” received and understood as such?
What modifications might I need to make to my list?
Which “loving deeds” do I want to keep on my TO DO list?
What new “loving deeds” would I like to add?
What “loving deeds” would I like to do in the next two weeks?
(If my spounse can't receive all the loving deeds I have to give yet...
well, spread them around for now - there are so many needy people
in the world - just be sure you give your loving gifts safely for
you and also for the recipients)
Discuss the “loving deeds” exercise together if you can
If you can’t discuss the exercise, do the “deeds” anyway!
This is a start – Be Ongoing - forever
TLC rather than RT = Tender Loving Care rather than Rough Treatment
It’s Tough To Be Tender – Let’s be tough enough to be tender! And its Tough To Be Tender if you are tender… Let’s be tender anyway – that’s the better way, most of the time, to be whole and wholesome.
Who Cares? - ME! ME! Let it be me, let it be me.
Strength to you as you join me and many others in deliberate efforts to be more loving and tender in our marriages.
Monday, July 21, 2008
The Togetherness Trap
Number 3 of this series of 12 Traps:
Dear Friend
Pause with me and now consider the next trap mentioned by Brent A Barlow:
The Togetherness Trap
The TOGETHERNESS TRAP:
Having either too little or too much identity and bonding as a married couple.
Togetherness: The quality, state, or condition of being together or in a union, proximity, or contact; warm fellowship, as among members of a family.
The trap we sometimes get into is believing that when we are in our spouses presence, we are “together”. …we can sometimes be physically present and psychologically absent.
Some of us are companions by definition and identity only. We live, eat and work in close proximity, yet we are not very close… we have had a wedding but not yet experienced a marriage… we spent time together though emotionally and psychologically we are as distant as if we lived hundreds of miles apart.
On the other hand - there is the other equally devastating side of this trap: we can become too close, too bound together in our marriage.
“A young man got me out of bed one night. He wanted to talk and I agreed to listen. The new groom was upset because his wife of seven months was going home to visit her parents for two weeks… The longer he talked, the more I knew why. They were too close and their lives too meshed – a common problem for newlyweds.” - Dr Brent A Barlow
There is a season and a time for every purpose: “a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.”
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
M Scott Peck writes: “The genuine lover always perceives the beloved as someone who has a totally separate identity…Genuine love not only respects the individuality of the other, but actually seeks to cultivate it.” “The Road Less Traveled” pp 161, 166, 168.
Getting out of the TOGETHERNESS TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something!
How do each of us answer these statements?
Talk together afterwards about it.
In what ways is our marriage perceived the same way by each of us? In what ways differently?
How would I like our marriage to be in five year’s time? Do you agree? Why? Why not?
What can I do today/this week/year to get there?
Togetherness might be redefined as the emotional bonding marriage partners have towards each other.
Let the journey continue towards mutual respect and healthy togetherness.
Our marriage now…
1. I can, and sometimes do, ask you for help when I need it
2. When problems arise, I can, and sometimes do, compromise
3. I approve of your friends
4. I am flexible in how I handle our differences
5. I like to do things with you
6. I can, and sometimes do, take turns acting as leader in our marriage
7. I feel closer to you than to others outside the marriage
8. I can, and sometimes do, change my way of handling tasks
9. I like to spend free time with you
10. I can, and sometimes do, try new ways of dealing with problems
11. I feel very close to you
12. I can, and sometimes do, jointly make decisions with you
13. We share some hobbies/interests
14. Rules change and evolve in our marriage
15. We can, and sometimes do, easily think of things to do together
16. We can, and sometimes do, shift household responsibilities
17. I can, and sometimes do, consult you on my decisions
18. I find it hard to identify the leader in our marriage
19. Togetherness is a top priority for me
20. It is hard to tell who does which household chores in our home
How I would like our marriage to be in five year’s time…
What three things do I appreciate that you do in our marriage?
What three things would you like me to do differently in our marriage?
(I might agree to choose one or more and work on it…)
What do I freely and of my own choosing want to do differently
that might make a difference in the right direction (in my opinion)
in our marriage? (If it doesn’t work… I’ll rethink the matter!)
What constructive changes can I make? Do I want to? When?
Have fun. If at first you don’t succeed in reaching the togetherness balance for you both…
try, try, try again. Perseverance towards a worthy goal pays.
Dear Friend
Pause with me and now consider the next trap mentioned by Brent A Barlow:
The Togetherness Trap
The TOGETHERNESS TRAP:
Having either too little or too much identity and bonding as a married couple.
Togetherness: The quality, state, or condition of being together or in a union, proximity, or contact; warm fellowship, as among members of a family.
The trap we sometimes get into is believing that when we are in our spouses presence, we are “together”. …we can sometimes be physically present and psychologically absent.
Some of us are companions by definition and identity only. We live, eat and work in close proximity, yet we are not very close… we have had a wedding but not yet experienced a marriage… we spent time together though emotionally and psychologically we are as distant as if we lived hundreds of miles apart.
On the other hand - there is the other equally devastating side of this trap: we can become too close, too bound together in our marriage.
“A young man got me out of bed one night. He wanted to talk and I agreed to listen. The new groom was upset because his wife of seven months was going home to visit her parents for two weeks… The longer he talked, the more I knew why. They were too close and their lives too meshed – a common problem for newlyweds.” - Dr Brent A Barlow
There is a season and a time for every purpose: “a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.”
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
M Scott Peck writes: “The genuine lover always perceives the beloved as someone who has a totally separate identity…Genuine love not only respects the individuality of the other, but actually seeks to cultivate it.” “The Road Less Traveled” pp 161, 166, 168.
Getting out of the TOGETHERNESS TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something!
How do each of us answer these statements?
Talk together afterwards about it.
In what ways is our marriage perceived the same way by each of us? In what ways differently?
How would I like our marriage to be in five year’s time? Do you agree? Why? Why not?
What can I do today/this week/year to get there?
Togetherness might be redefined as the emotional bonding marriage partners have towards each other.
Let the journey continue towards mutual respect and healthy togetherness.
Our marriage now…
1. I can, and sometimes do, ask you for help when I need it
2. When problems arise, I can, and sometimes do, compromise
3. I approve of your friends
4. I am flexible in how I handle our differences
5. I like to do things with you
6. I can, and sometimes do, take turns acting as leader in our marriage
7. I feel closer to you than to others outside the marriage
8. I can, and sometimes do, change my way of handling tasks
9. I like to spend free time with you
10. I can, and sometimes do, try new ways of dealing with problems
11. I feel very close to you
12. I can, and sometimes do, jointly make decisions with you
13. We share some hobbies/interests
14. Rules change and evolve in our marriage
15. We can, and sometimes do, easily think of things to do together
16. We can, and sometimes do, shift household responsibilities
17. I can, and sometimes do, consult you on my decisions
18. I find it hard to identify the leader in our marriage
19. Togetherness is a top priority for me
20. It is hard to tell who does which household chores in our home
How I would like our marriage to be in five year’s time…
What three things do I appreciate that you do in our marriage?
What three things would you like me to do differently in our marriage?
(I might agree to choose one or more and work on it…)
What do I freely and of my own choosing want to do differently
that might make a difference in the right direction (in my opinion)
in our marriage? (If it doesn’t work… I’ll rethink the matter!)
What constructive changes can I make? Do I want to? When?
Have fun. If at first you don’t succeed in reaching the togetherness balance for you both…
try, try, try again. Perseverance towards a worthy goal pays.
Monday, July 14, 2008
The Tradition Trap
Number 2 in this series of 12 Traps
Dear Friends:
Explore again with Brent A Barlow ("Twelve Traps in Today's Marriage and How to Get Out of Them") and me the second trap:
The TRADITION TRAP:
The insistence that marriage today must be exactly as it has been in the past. (Mine, yours and/or theirs)
Tradition: The handing down of statements, beliefs, legends, customs, and behaviour patterns from generation to generation, especially by word of mouth or by practice.
Who takes out the garbage at your house? Who do you think should? Why?
How "traditional" are you in your marriage?
When men expect their wives to be their mothers, or women expect their husbands to be their fathers, no one wins. "Tarzan and Jane" role expectations need to be examined by each spouse against current, individual, and couple, reality. If we don’t do this, and personally make necessary changes, we may continue to destroy each other in our marriage.
How can we learn to live with each other as genuine individuals? How can we collaborate and accomplish more flexible roles in our marriage? Perhaps some things should remain as they are, but other changes should be made and welcomed… eventually if not immediately. Some, perhaps many, "Tarzan and Jane" roles must give way if our marriage is going to survive at this present time!
How to get out of the TRADITION TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something!
Let ME do something! Even one little thing…
What are my beliefs about our marriage? Why?
What are my spouse’s beliefs about our marriage? Why?
What have I done/not done in our marriage so far? Why?
How can I THINK helpfully, differently, in the future?
What can I DO constructively, differently, in the future?
Often when people seek changes in a relationship, things get worse before they get better.
Persistence (correct vision, and correct application), and respect for both self and spouse,
despite any and all obstacles, from whatever quarter, pays.
Don’t expect immediate success. Give your impaired marriage adequate (plenty of) time for improvement. “Hoping isn’t coping.” “Show love by deeds.”
All together now – One, Two, Three: “Let the reformation begin with me!”
Dear Friends:
Explore again with Brent A Barlow ("Twelve Traps in Today's Marriage and How to Get Out of Them") and me the second trap:
The TRADITION TRAP:
The insistence that marriage today must be exactly as it has been in the past. (Mine, yours and/or theirs)
Tradition: The handing down of statements, beliefs, legends, customs, and behaviour patterns from generation to generation, especially by word of mouth or by practice.
Who takes out the garbage at your house? Who do you think should? Why?
How "traditional" are you in your marriage?
When men expect their wives to be their mothers, or women expect their husbands to be their fathers, no one wins. "Tarzan and Jane" role expectations need to be examined by each spouse against current, individual, and couple, reality. If we don’t do this, and personally make necessary changes, we may continue to destroy each other in our marriage.
How can we learn to live with each other as genuine individuals? How can we collaborate and accomplish more flexible roles in our marriage? Perhaps some things should remain as they are, but other changes should be made and welcomed… eventually if not immediately. Some, perhaps many, "Tarzan and Jane" roles must give way if our marriage is going to survive at this present time!
How to get out of the TRADITION TRAP: LDS – Let’s Do Something!
Let ME do something! Even one little thing…
What are my beliefs about our marriage? Why?
What are my spouse’s beliefs about our marriage? Why?
What have I done/not done in our marriage so far? Why?
How can I THINK helpfully, differently, in the future?
What can I DO constructively, differently, in the future?
Often when people seek changes in a relationship, things get worse before they get better.
Persistence (correct vision, and correct application), and respect for both self and spouse,
despite any and all obstacles, from whatever quarter, pays.
Don’t expect immediate success. Give your impaired marriage adequate (plenty of) time for improvement. “Hoping isn’t coping.” “Show love by deeds.”
All together now – One, Two, Three: “Let the reformation begin with me!”
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