Toxic Relationships

Dear Ann,

Over the last 25 years I have witnessed and worked with many relationships that would definitely be categorized as toxic (polluted, contaminated, poisonous). As a comparison, let's see what a healthy relationship looks like: A relationship where you feel and WORK daily at connecting and being connected, fulfilling to the other and fulfilled, listening to hear and understand and be listened to, contributing to the other and feeling energized by being in their company, uplifting the other and being uplifted by them, and loving the other and being loved compassionately and completely would classify as very healthy. The more relationships (note the plural) we have where we feel this way, the happier our lives will be.

A toxic relationship is based on both my and another’s negativity, criticism, addiction, and emotional and verbal abuse. Giving and receiving Feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem are quite common if we're (or they’re) exposed long-term to someone who is toxic for us. Inasmuch as we ourselves are toxic, these are the feelings they and eventually our children will have around us. Often it is someone who is significant (or, someone we have regular contact with over time with) in our lives: a spouse, parent, child, sibling, a colleague at work or a so called "friend."

These relationships are typically co-dependent (in other words where I/the other react/s rather than taking the time and commitment to choose our words and actions), controlling (where one or both of us are trying to control the other), dysfunctional (where the other and I are functioning in ways that are harmful to ourselves and/or each other and our children) and destructive (self destructive through pride or taking or giving offence – whether intended or not - or undermining, negative, critical, emotionally and/or verbally abusive of any other). The best way to know if you have such a relationship in your life is to ask the following questions:

How do I consistently feel after I've had an interaction with this individual? How might they consistently feel after they’ve had an interaction with me?

Do I feel down on myself?
Does the other person feel down on themselves?

Do I feel stressed, fearful and anxious?
Does the other person feel fearful and anxious?

Do I feel drained of energy and void of good feelings? Does the other person feel drained of energy and void of good feelings towards themselves and me?

Do I feel resentful — and do I want to go and eat some chocolate?

Does the other person feel resentful and wanting to go and eat some chocolate?

If the answer is "yes" to most of these feelings, then certainly you are involved as a receiver, and probably also a giver in a toxic relationship. I'm not talking about getting into an argument with someone we love because those feelings will also likely come up, (one with self-esteem and self control will manage these times better than one with low self-esteem and low self-control) but if these negative feelings are the usual pattern we have in most of our interactions with that person, then it qualifies as a toxic relationship.

Regarding your second question of how (or if ) you can get rid of them, the answer is more complicated. A lot of the couples whom I've worked with initially come in because one or both partners are unhappy. Sometimes dysfunctional (or immature) patterns of behavior have been established decades ago in our families of origin and have brought the couple to the edge of the abyss (the brink of death and disaster). My only promise to them from the very first session is that by the time we're done with our work (note that word ‘work’) together, either they will end up getting a divorce, or they will have the marriage they've wanted and dreamed of. “It is easy enough to be pleasant when life goes by with a song, but the man worthwhile is the one who can smile when everything goes dead wrong” and “It is easy enough to be pleasant when life goes by with a song, but the man worthwhile is the one who can smile when everything goes dead wrong” and “One ship sails east, another west by the selfsame wind that blows. 'Tis the set of the sail and not that gale that determines where each ship goes.” "It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude after own own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude."

They can't go back to the status quo because it was what brought them to this point to begin with. If they were able to go back, they would have to come to this point again if they went back to where they were before. Onward, ever onward… Marriage is a Divine relationship. It will bring us face to face with exactly where we need to do some repenting and renovation (cleansing the inner vessel) within ourselves. We react to what we need to work on. So in the case of a toxic relationship in a marriage, even though it takes a lot (a constant, consistent lot) of hard (note the degree of effort required for the changes that personally need to be made) work (here’s that word ‘work’ again) from both sides (sometimes the one is working harder, and sometimes the other – occasionally, and hopefully more and more often, both are equally yoked in pulling the strain of the work needed to be done by each/both to maintain and develop our marriage), there is a huge potential upside (huge rewards come not to those who do not desire, ask, seek, knock and endure) to sticking it out (through thick and thin, sick and sin – as we covenanted to do when we clasped hands across the marriage altar, gazed into each other’s eyes and said “yes” we would – I think the Lord wants to find out how much we really meant what we said) and working (that word ‘work’ again) to make (create, fashion, mould, shape, cause, construct, establish, produce, contribute, gain, tend) it (our relationship) better.

If you think you have got problems now… unless you do your work that needs doing in and by yourself, you will attract another person like your present spouse: you will still be faced with what you need to do, plus: you will have the added complications and complexities of ex-relationships, children going between two households, or abandoned to a greater or lesser degree by the non-custodial parent because it is all too complicated, and very often huge regret because the spouse that is lost who was actually better and easier for you to work with than anyone else you can find (the older we get, the more baggage we accumulate – I think there is much truth to these “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t” and “a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush”). Keep in mind that both sides have to be willing (note the ‘soft - hearted’ - as contrasted with the ‘hard-hearted’ - condition in the word ‘willing’) to work (note that word ‘work’ again… the character-building behaviour changes will need to be made by the courageous and brave both holding hands with each other and God as well. The greater the challenge, the greater the price that needs to be paid, and the greater the reward after the ‘work’ is commenced and done every day) and to make changes (note that it is both, rather than the other, that need to humbly do their work to make changes happen, and stick, in the relationship.)

Every marriage that lasts has at least one hero. “I want to be kind to everyone, for that is right you see. So I say to myself, remember this… Kindness begins with me.” Our children in Primary sing this so sweetly. Perhaps we did not learn as well as they have the opportunity to learn these days. Those who wear celestial robes are those who have come through great tribulation – been true heroes – one day at a time.

The least toxic thing you can do for your children is to work daily at cleansing your own inner vessel, keeping your covenant marriage, loving their other parent and building a home where you can all live, love and learn within Godly limits. You build your character and will feel comfortable in the company of Celestial beings. You create a priceless legacy for your posterity.

If you “send them off into the wilderness” or they “take off into the wilderness because life with you is unbearable” Who knows who will protect them out there. Who will be able to protect them. Who will love them enough to do the adolescent and adult parenting of your children.

Definitely not hasty decisions to make. There is much at stake.

Recommended reading: “Covenant Marriage” Bruce C Hafen - Ensign Nov 1996 and “Cleansing the Inner Vessel” Ezra Taft Benson - Ensign May 1986 and talks from the last General Conference.

If we have a toxic relationship with one of our siblings, one of our kids, or even a parent, it's more complicated because we can't really "divorce" them from our lives. We can stop talking to them or having meaningful interactions, but they are still family. Does this mean we need to endlessly endure their toxicity? Absolutely not. We have every right to limit, if not altogether eliminate, negative interactions with them.

The responsibility to protect ourselves lies within each of us, and it is best achieved by setting healthy boundaries. In my experience, however, most people do not know how to set healthy boundaries and often question themselves if they are being rude for doing so.

Healthy boundaries we set for ourselves and for our others are the key to minimising or eliminating the impact of unhealthy relationships in our lives. (Healthy boundaries within which I require myself to be clean, as well keeping toxic others from contaminating my increasingly gained purity)

Lets use the following example of how to set these boundaries: Let's suppose someone in your extended family, like your mother, is constantly being critical of you and your skills as a mom and then wonders why you avoid spending time with her. The best way to handle this situation — and it takes a lot of courage, I might add — is to say the following in a calm and direct manner. "Mom, growing up in our home I was on the receiving end of a lot of criticisms from you. When I got married and we decided to have a family, I made a vow to myself and to my husband that I would raise our children in an environment of love, acceptance and forgiveness. There will be no daily criticisms of them regardless of what they do. Next time you come and visit, I expect that if you have anything negative to say to me or my kids that you keep it to yourself. If you don't respect my wishes, your visit will be short-lived. I will ask you to leave. I'd like to have a relationship with you, and I hope you can enjoy your grandkids for a long time, but this is my bottom line. Do you think you can respect my wishes?"

If she says anything but a definitive "yes" then you respond by saying, "Well, I guess we won't be seeing you for Thanksgiving then." It only takes a couple of times of enforcing healthy boundaries before people's behaviors change for the better, or the relationship becomes superficial and limited.

Learning about boundaries is worthwhile and challenging work. As we learn and grow we leave a better legacy to our posterity.

This approach works really well with friends, except that you have more leeway. Life is way too short to keep "friends" like these around. Life is so busy that we hardly have enough time to spend with friends who give back in a positive way and fill our bucket.

You may want to take inventory of the relationships in your life and see if any of them fall in this category. If any of them do, then I hope you have the inner strength to do something about it. Creating healthy boundaries is a gift to yourself that will pay great dividends for years to come.

Black script - Dr Elia Gourgouris
Red script - Judy Bray