Resentment

Resentment is so destructive! It contaminates the resenter and also wounds the resented.

Why would you harm yourself and also another?

Look at these profiles and identify your defective styles of interaction – your own work is the only work you can do something about.

If you identify your spouses style, you have gained some valuable information (for your own information…) that might serve you very well as you grow yourself and develop to be more effective and mature in your relationship with those you love.

HEDGEHOG STYLE RESENTMENT:

This small spiny cousin of the porcupine huddles with its fellows for warmth only to find that the huddling is painful because of all the quills. So it moves away and gets cold. Then it snuggles close again until the pain is unbearable – and so on.

The human variety of hedgehog has some prickly habits and also a deep need for closeness and support. Aside from any possible contribution of the spouse, this person has a major dilemma even within the confines of his/her own personality system.

Experiences with love have usually been disappointing: there has been neglect, domination or misuse of our hedgehog to the extent that their fragile self-esteem has suffered. However a hedgehog is endowed with grit and responds with resentment. This is a spunky quality and has survival value. It has developed “fight back” and a refusal to accept the message of “you are unworthy” from any comers.

These tendencies of resentment, mistrust and strength are subversive of human emotional intimacy. Closeness requires openness, warmth and trust.

The hedgehog seeks closeness, yet is constantly alert for fresh signs of manipulation or hurtful moves from the spouse.

At the same time the accumulation of earlier pains and disappointments makes it difficult to give of themselves freely and fully.

All too soon the hedgehog hurts or is hurt and so withdraws - with increased resentment and mistrust, but also more urgent need for closeness.

In some hedgehogs they will loyally continue to get close and withdraw inside the marriage with no resolution of the fundamental problems. Another type of hedgehog will look futilely outside of the marriage for closeness. Both become desperately discouraged and increasingly cynical.

Remedies:
Each take responsibility for your own contribution to these sabotaging problems. Learn to identify and understand the dynamics of your frustrating interactions. Hedgehog – learn how to not to hurt.
Learn how to gracefully handle the hurts from others – don’t take them personally – insensitivity says more about the insensitive one than about you.
Gradually become truly assertive – not aggressive.
Retain the strong and constructive aspects of your behaviour.
Govern and increasingly let go of the attacking, hostile and competitive elements in you that cause you trouble over and over again – wherever you are.
Develop more independence – lessen your dependence on others.
Take care of more of your own concerns.
Learn more effective ways of evoking warmth in your spouse and others.

FOX STYLE RESENTMENT:

This wily creature can be a villain or a hero.

The fox is likely to also have come from a family that gave it little or no emotional support. The fox is very good at doing what it wants to do while keeping up appearances of conformity to the wishes of others.

The fox has developed the uncanny ability to survive even in dangerous and hostile circumstances – it has come to view life as a game: “If you don’t look out for yourself, no one else will.”
The fox employs the tactics of thinking fast and talking his way out of a tough spot – despite the risks.

People often find the fox attractive and charming, and admire its style. To those close to the fox the charm wears of under the rub of repeated violations of trust. They get tired of being soft-soaped, disappointed, lied to, dealing with the consequences of addictions.

When confronted the fox invariably has a ready response: pious denial, a sigh for the loved ones naivety, a detailed explanation of exonerating circumstances, or even an abject confession followed by professions of unworthiness, or renewed assurances that everything will be different in the future.

The fox harbours resentments and at the same time covers feelings of fear and isolation.

What puts the fox in touch with these deeply protected less conscious feelings is a crisis of uncommon dimensions. It has to stop dealing with its deep pain by throwing itself into circumstances it hopes will distract it.

For complex reasons unique to each fox the turning-point crisis triggers a new response: a yearning for a more effective way of relating to its precious ones.

For some foxes it is too late – the loved-ones have lost hope and gone on without the fox. For others the road forward is not easy.

The fox may be tempted back into its old tricks of faking, subverting and trying to beat “the system.”

Remedies:
The fox and his spouse need to learn to keep from putting the other in a corner – this will minimize the chances of the fox resorting to his familiar and skilful foxy escapes.
The fox’s spouse will do well to learn to be more assertive, more forthright.
Avoid simply responding to the fox’s behaviour.
Do not nag.
Do not be a martyr.

MAGPIE STYLE RESENTMENT:

The magpie chatters and pecks at a resistant spouse trying to get the spouse to do something.

The magpie’s resentment is rooted in a long list of grievances which are well documented and often reviewed.

The magpie has a sense of moral rectitude “I have gone far, far beyond the call of duty in trying to make things work out.” This attitude makes the magpie slow to see the need for personal change.

The magpie is frustrated and disgusted: there is a lack of real co-operation and the magpie naggingly lets its spouse know.

The magpie’s spouse feels like a worm.

The magpie feels that if anything is going to ever be accomplished they themselves are going to have to bring it off.

Some magpie’s feel forced into their hateful role by irresponsible or passive spouses. Other magpies feel comfortable being in charge and only feel uncomfortable when their spouse is incompetent.

The magpie has a dark fantasy of what would happen if they themselves ever stopped cawing complaints.

Remedies:
Disengage from power struggles.
Change your approach.
Replace the frustrating thought “It’s terrible, awful and unfair and I’m not getting the responses I ought to get” with the more assertive thought “It’s a real pain in the neck that I’m not getting the responses I want” And “He/she ought to do this because it’s right" with “If this is more important to me than it is to my spouse, then it’s my responsibility to make it worth his/her while to do it.”
Magpies are usually married to moles.

MOLE STYLE RESENTMENT:

The mole is stubborn and resistant.

The mole reacts to criticism by digging deeper into its burrow of passivity. A mole in extreme mode is so withdrawn that it virtually disappears from the marriage leaving the role of spouse behind like an empty tunnel.

The mole may have a list of grievances as long as its spouses but it rarely expresses its feelings to the spouse except through nonresponse.

Moles are skilled at surviving in hostile environments with the least possible expenditure of energy. Long ago they learnt it didn’t pay to fight. When the heat is on the mole remains silent and does nothing. If that isn’t enough, they agree to anything. Whatever they do, they don’t let their spouse get to them.

Some moles are moles in every sphere of their life, others are selective moles. No one is more impervious to threats, bribes, sermons and attacks than the mole.

Remedies:
Help your mole voice its complaints and define its own goals.
Be more supportive rather than critical of your mole’s initial efforts to change. Mole, discover alternative ways of expressing your feelings.
Become more assertive.
Mole, formulate your own idea of a solution to your marriage problems.

BEAR STYLE RESENTMENT:

The bear’s ability to hoard resentments is matched by a powerful, confronting, domineering style which tyrannizes and alienates it’s loved-ones. Generally the bear had a bear father or mother. The bear knows no other way to deal with people.

The bear lacks social graces, may feel lonely and unappreciated – it is likely to be surrounded by those who fear and dislike it.

Frequently the bear is discouraged – it sees itself doomed to deal with ungrateful and irresponsible people who depend on it, but begrudge it what it is sure is its right to demand of others.

Bears do not have a high opinion of psychology, therapy, or books on marriage.
Only a badly wounded bear would likely read this.

Remedies:
Bear, recognise your pattern as one that alienates you from your loved-ones.
Your pattern fails to get you either respect or results you want.
Convert your aggressiveness to assertiveness – it will be difficult and challenging for you.
Learn to meet your own needs without resorting to intimidation.
Few things will be more rewarding to you, dear bear, than learning how to treat others with respect and watch their love for you released and flowing to include you.
Help your bear by being supportive.
Flood your bear with positives.
Become more assertive yourself.
Bears need to learn how others feel and what others want and expect – express yourself responsibly.

HOUND DOG STYLE RESENTMENT:

The hound dog’s sad eyes and droopy ears give a negative image which misrepresents its underlying potential.

Although the hound dog hoards resentments as well, it is better noted for its self-defeating negative attitudes.

The hound dog may be unusually gifted, but its assessment of its personal worth is extremely low and so it slinks away at the last possible moment from every real opportunity to succeed, and abandons its loved-ones.

The hound dog has a resentment to the powers-that-be and it distrusts its own value.

The hound dog rarely has an explanation for its behaviour except that it doesn’t matter, it would have blown it anyway.

The hound dog’s spouse may feel like the spouse is an extra child. Though upset, the spouse feels forced to reassure and comfort because the hound dog can’t handle a direct expression of anger. The spouse stays usually because they can see the hound dog’s potential. It is hard for anyone to convince the hound dog that it is possible to change.

Remedies:
Individual or group counselling is often effective.
If the hound dog can actually be persuaded to do some emotional growth exercise it would greatly benefit from them.

ALTERNATIVES TO ALL STYLES OF RESENTMENT:
Keep your strength and toughness.
Transform.
Increasingly let go of your prickliness, resentfulness, insensitivity.
Disengage from your power struggles.*
Have expectations of yourself. Monitor yourself.
Let your spouse work at developing expectations and monitoring him/her self.

*DISENGAGE FROM YOUR POWER STRUGGLES:
Write out a detailed list of what your spouse should do, ought to do, would do if they really cared, or does not do.
From your list choose three or four items that trouble you.
Write each of these at the top of a separate blank sheet of paper.
Take the papers one by one: write down variations of three or four optional ways below that might help you deal with each one of your concerns.
Choose one of the papers to work on for a week.
Choose one of the alternatives you have written down.
Try it.
If you don’t like it after doing your best to make it effective - Try another strategy on your piece of paper.
When you have tried all of them and feel unsuccessful try something different.
Stick to the one challenge for at least a week.
Move on to your next concern when you feel ready to.

Resign the Crown:
Swallow your pride.
Cut your losses.
Give over the responsibility to the other – let him/her reap the inevitable harvest – whatever it turns out to be.
Accept and prepare for the consequences you might also have for resigning the crown.

Do it Yourself:
Do what needs doing yourself – in the way you would like it done – without muttering or playing the martyr or verbally/nonverbally putting the other down.
Why should anyone do what they do not want to do just because you want them to do it?

Make an Offer too Good to Refuse:
You want what you want, take responsibility, be creative, discover how to become more and more successful to make it worthwhile for your loved-one to do.
Make it rewarding for your learner to learn what needs to be learnt.

Join with Joy:
Use your imagination.
Develop your goodwill.
This is generally a satisfying strategy for you both.

Go Back to the Pain of your Usual Resentful Style:
You don’t have to grow and learn new ways to be more mature in your marriage…

*BECOME MORE ASSERTIVE:
Carefully review your marital relationship.
Identify the situations where you clearly demand what you want.
Identify the situations in which you fail to make what you want known.
(If you can’t think of any, ask someone who knows you well pinpoint a few.)
Think of three or four things you most want your spouse to know about.
Formulate a simple request: no implied threats, no whining or martyrishness.
Assume goodwill on the part of your spouse and say clearly what you want.
Do not repeat yourself (nag.)

Success? Well done. Keep making progress.

No success? Go back to discovering more about how assertiveness works – how it looks, sounds and behaves. Practice.

Get skilled help if necessary.

From: Dr Carlfred Broderick “Couples” p107 - 125