Toxic Relationships

Dear Ann,

Over the last 25 years I have witnessed and worked with many relationships that would definitely be categorized as toxic (polluted, contaminated, poisonous). As a comparison, let's see what a healthy relationship looks like: A relationship where you feel and WORK daily at connecting and being connected, fulfilling to the other and fulfilled, listening to hear and understand and be listened to, contributing to the other and feeling energized by being in their company, uplifting the other and being uplifted by them, and loving the other and being loved compassionately and completely would classify as very healthy. The more relationships (note the plural) we have where we feel this way, the happier our lives will be.

A toxic relationship is based on both my and another’s negativity, criticism, addiction, and emotional and verbal abuse. Giving and receiving Feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem are quite common if we're (or they’re) exposed long-term to someone who is toxic for us. Inasmuch as we ourselves are toxic, these are the feelings they and eventually our children will have around us. Often it is someone who is significant (or, someone we have regular contact with over time with) in our lives: a spouse, parent, child, sibling, a colleague at work or a so called "friend."

These relationships are typically co-dependent (in other words where I/the other react/s rather than taking the time and commitment to choose our words and actions), controlling (where one or both of us are trying to control the other), dysfunctional (where the other and I are functioning in ways that are harmful to ourselves and/or each other and our children) and destructive (self destructive through pride or taking or giving offence – whether intended or not - or undermining, negative, critical, emotionally and/or verbally abusive of any other). The best way to know if you have such a relationship in your life is to ask the following questions:

How do I consistently feel after I've had an interaction with this individual? How might they consistently feel after they’ve had an interaction with me?

Do I feel down on myself?
Does the other person feel down on themselves?

Do I feel stressed, fearful and anxious?
Does the other person feel fearful and anxious?

Do I feel drained of energy and void of good feelings? Does the other person feel drained of energy and void of good feelings towards themselves and me?

Do I feel resentful — and do I want to go and eat some chocolate?

Does the other person feel resentful and wanting to go and eat some chocolate?

If the answer is "yes" to most of these feelings, then certainly you are involved as a receiver, and probably also a giver in a toxic relationship. I'm not talking about getting into an argument with someone we love because those feelings will also likely come up, (one with self-esteem and self control will manage these times better than one with low self-esteem and low self-control) but if these negative feelings are the usual pattern we have in most of our interactions with that person, then it qualifies as a toxic relationship.

Regarding your second question of how (or if ) you can get rid of them, the answer is more complicated. A lot of the couples whom I've worked with initially come in because one or both partners are unhappy. Sometimes dysfunctional (or immature) patterns of behavior have been established decades ago in our families of origin and have brought the couple to the edge of the abyss (the brink of death and disaster). My only promise to them from the very first session is that by the time we're done with our work (note that word ‘work’) together, either they will end up getting a divorce, or they will have the marriage they've wanted and dreamed of. “It is easy enough to be pleasant when life goes by with a song, but the man worthwhile is the one who can smile when everything goes dead wrong” and “It is easy enough to be pleasant when life goes by with a song, but the man worthwhile is the one who can smile when everything goes dead wrong” and “One ship sails east, another west by the selfsame wind that blows. 'Tis the set of the sail and not that gale that determines where each ship goes.” "It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude after own own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude."

They can't go back to the status quo because it was what brought them to this point to begin with. If they were able to go back, they would have to come to this point again if they went back to where they were before. Onward, ever onward… Marriage is a Divine relationship. It will bring us face to face with exactly where we need to do some repenting and renovation (cleansing the inner vessel) within ourselves. We react to what we need to work on. So in the case of a toxic relationship in a marriage, even though it takes a lot (a constant, consistent lot) of hard (note the degree of effort required for the changes that personally need to be made) work (here’s that word ‘work’ again) from both sides (sometimes the one is working harder, and sometimes the other – occasionally, and hopefully more and more often, both are equally yoked in pulling the strain of the work needed to be done by each/both to maintain and develop our marriage), there is a huge potential upside (huge rewards come not to those who do not desire, ask, seek, knock and endure) to sticking it out (through thick and thin, sick and sin – as we covenanted to do when we clasped hands across the marriage altar, gazed into each other’s eyes and said “yes” we would – I think the Lord wants to find out how much we really meant what we said) and working (that word ‘work’ again) to make (create, fashion, mould, shape, cause, construct, establish, produce, contribute, gain, tend) it (our relationship) better.

If you think you have got problems now… unless you do your work that needs doing in and by yourself, you will attract another person like your present spouse: you will still be faced with what you need to do, plus: you will have the added complications and complexities of ex-relationships, children going between two households, or abandoned to a greater or lesser degree by the non-custodial parent because it is all too complicated, and very often huge regret because the spouse that is lost who was actually better and easier for you to work with than anyone else you can find (the older we get, the more baggage we accumulate – I think there is much truth to these “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t” and “a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush”). Keep in mind that both sides have to be willing (note the ‘soft - hearted’ - as contrasted with the ‘hard-hearted’ - condition in the word ‘willing’) to work (note that word ‘work’ again… the character-building behaviour changes will need to be made by the courageous and brave both holding hands with each other and God as well. The greater the challenge, the greater the price that needs to be paid, and the greater the reward after the ‘work’ is commenced and done every day) and to make changes (note that it is both, rather than the other, that need to humbly do their work to make changes happen, and stick, in the relationship.)

Every marriage that lasts has at least one hero. “I want to be kind to everyone, for that is right you see. So I say to myself, remember this… Kindness begins with me.” Our children in Primary sing this so sweetly. Perhaps we did not learn as well as they have the opportunity to learn these days. Those who wear celestial robes are those who have come through great tribulation – been true heroes – one day at a time.

The least toxic thing you can do for your children is to work daily at cleansing your own inner vessel, keeping your covenant marriage, loving their other parent and building a home where you can all live, love and learn within Godly limits. You build your character and will feel comfortable in the company of Celestial beings. You create a priceless legacy for your posterity.

If you “send them off into the wilderness” or they “take off into the wilderness because life with you is unbearable” Who knows who will protect them out there. Who will be able to protect them. Who will love them enough to do the adolescent and adult parenting of your children.

Definitely not hasty decisions to make. There is much at stake.

Recommended reading: “Covenant Marriage” Bruce C Hafen - Ensign Nov 1996 and “Cleansing the Inner Vessel” Ezra Taft Benson - Ensign May 1986 and talks from the last General Conference.

If we have a toxic relationship with one of our siblings, one of our kids, or even a parent, it's more complicated because we can't really "divorce" them from our lives. We can stop talking to them or having meaningful interactions, but they are still family. Does this mean we need to endlessly endure their toxicity? Absolutely not. We have every right to limit, if not altogether eliminate, negative interactions with them.

The responsibility to protect ourselves lies within each of us, and it is best achieved by setting healthy boundaries. In my experience, however, most people do not know how to set healthy boundaries and often question themselves if they are being rude for doing so.

Healthy boundaries we set for ourselves and for our others are the key to minimising or eliminating the impact of unhealthy relationships in our lives. (Healthy boundaries within which I require myself to be clean, as well keeping toxic others from contaminating my increasingly gained purity)

Lets use the following example of how to set these boundaries: Let's suppose someone in your extended family, like your mother, is constantly being critical of you and your skills as a mom and then wonders why you avoid spending time with her. The best way to handle this situation — and it takes a lot of courage, I might add — is to say the following in a calm and direct manner. "Mom, growing up in our home I was on the receiving end of a lot of criticisms from you. When I got married and we decided to have a family, I made a vow to myself and to my husband that I would raise our children in an environment of love, acceptance and forgiveness. There will be no daily criticisms of them regardless of what they do. Next time you come and visit, I expect that if you have anything negative to say to me or my kids that you keep it to yourself. If you don't respect my wishes, your visit will be short-lived. I will ask you to leave. I'd like to have a relationship with you, and I hope you can enjoy your grandkids for a long time, but this is my bottom line. Do you think you can respect my wishes?"

If she says anything but a definitive "yes" then you respond by saying, "Well, I guess we won't be seeing you for Thanksgiving then." It only takes a couple of times of enforcing healthy boundaries before people's behaviors change for the better, or the relationship becomes superficial and limited.

Learning about boundaries is worthwhile and challenging work. As we learn and grow we leave a better legacy to our posterity.

This approach works really well with friends, except that you have more leeway. Life is way too short to keep "friends" like these around. Life is so busy that we hardly have enough time to spend with friends who give back in a positive way and fill our bucket.

You may want to take inventory of the relationships in your life and see if any of them fall in this category. If any of them do, then I hope you have the inner strength to do something about it. Creating healthy boundaries is a gift to yourself that will pay great dividends for years to come.

Black script - Dr Elia Gourgouris
Red script - Judy Bray

Resentment and Success

"Resentment determines success. If one is resentful, it impedes progress."
Meg Fargher
St Mary's School, Waverley

Expectations

"...we all have a list of things we would like to have in our relationships. Some items are more important, some less. None of us will get everything we wish for.

...people who are maturing in life can acknowledge the pain of what they do not have, and grieve about it, rather than act out in anger and frustration.

That is part of life and love - working together to meet expectations. Face the disappointments while also looking for the larger meanings in your life together.

Couples who face the good and bad together can reach the deepest well of acceptance."

"Fight four your Marriage" p338
Howard J Markman, Scott M Stanley, Susan L Blumberg

Definitions - Bitterness, Anger, Resentment, Rage

From my Concise Oxford Dictionary:

Bitterness
Virulent, relentless, harsh, biting, piercing, mental pain

Virulent
Venemous, malignant, poisonous, powerful

Resentment
Show, feel or retain bitter feelings about

Anger
Hot, extreme displeasure

Rage
Violent anger

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is a decision to give up your perceived or actual right to get even with, or hold in debt, someone who has wronged you... to give up resentment against or a desire to punish... to give up all claim to punish, to cancel or remit (a debt).
Note that to forgive is a verb: it's active; it's something you must decide to do.
When one of you fails to forgive, you can't function as a team because the unforgiven partner is kept "one down" by being indebted to the other."

Howard J Markman, Scott M Stanley, Susan L Blumberg
"Fighting for your Marriage" p349

Resentment

Resentment is so destructive! It contaminates the resenter and also wounds the resented.

Why would you harm yourself and also another?

Look at these profiles and identify your defective styles of interaction – your own work is the only work you can do something about.

If you identify your spouses style, you have gained some valuable information (for your own information…) that might serve you very well as you grow yourself and develop to be more effective and mature in your relationship with those you love.

HEDGEHOG STYLE RESENTMENT:

This small spiny cousin of the porcupine huddles with its fellows for warmth only to find that the huddling is painful because of all the quills. So it moves away and gets cold. Then it snuggles close again until the pain is unbearable – and so on.

The human variety of hedgehog has some prickly habits and also a deep need for closeness and support. Aside from any possible contribution of the spouse, this person has a major dilemma even within the confines of his/her own personality system.

Experiences with love have usually been disappointing: there has been neglect, domination or misuse of our hedgehog to the extent that their fragile self-esteem has suffered. However a hedgehog is endowed with grit and responds with resentment. This is a spunky quality and has survival value. It has developed “fight back” and a refusal to accept the message of “you are unworthy” from any comers.

These tendencies of resentment, mistrust and strength are subversive of human emotional intimacy. Closeness requires openness, warmth and trust.

The hedgehog seeks closeness, yet is constantly alert for fresh signs of manipulation or hurtful moves from the spouse.

At the same time the accumulation of earlier pains and disappointments makes it difficult to give of themselves freely and fully.

All too soon the hedgehog hurts or is hurt and so withdraws - with increased resentment and mistrust, but also more urgent need for closeness.

In some hedgehogs they will loyally continue to get close and withdraw inside the marriage with no resolution of the fundamental problems. Another type of hedgehog will look futilely outside of the marriage for closeness. Both become desperately discouraged and increasingly cynical.

Remedies:
Each take responsibility for your own contribution to these sabotaging problems. Learn to identify and understand the dynamics of your frustrating interactions. Hedgehog – learn how to not to hurt.
Learn how to gracefully handle the hurts from others – don’t take them personally – insensitivity says more about the insensitive one than about you.
Gradually become truly assertive – not aggressive.
Retain the strong and constructive aspects of your behaviour.
Govern and increasingly let go of the attacking, hostile and competitive elements in you that cause you trouble over and over again – wherever you are.
Develop more independence – lessen your dependence on others.
Take care of more of your own concerns.
Learn more effective ways of evoking warmth in your spouse and others.

FOX STYLE RESENTMENT:

This wily creature can be a villain or a hero.

The fox is likely to also have come from a family that gave it little or no emotional support. The fox is very good at doing what it wants to do while keeping up appearances of conformity to the wishes of others.

The fox has developed the uncanny ability to survive even in dangerous and hostile circumstances – it has come to view life as a game: “If you don’t look out for yourself, no one else will.”
The fox employs the tactics of thinking fast and talking his way out of a tough spot – despite the risks.

People often find the fox attractive and charming, and admire its style. To those close to the fox the charm wears of under the rub of repeated violations of trust. They get tired of being soft-soaped, disappointed, lied to, dealing with the consequences of addictions.

When confronted the fox invariably has a ready response: pious denial, a sigh for the loved ones naivety, a detailed explanation of exonerating circumstances, or even an abject confession followed by professions of unworthiness, or renewed assurances that everything will be different in the future.

The fox harbours resentments and at the same time covers feelings of fear and isolation.

What puts the fox in touch with these deeply protected less conscious feelings is a crisis of uncommon dimensions. It has to stop dealing with its deep pain by throwing itself into circumstances it hopes will distract it.

For complex reasons unique to each fox the turning-point crisis triggers a new response: a yearning for a more effective way of relating to its precious ones.

For some foxes it is too late – the loved-ones have lost hope and gone on without the fox. For others the road forward is not easy.

The fox may be tempted back into its old tricks of faking, subverting and trying to beat “the system.”

Remedies:
The fox and his spouse need to learn to keep from putting the other in a corner – this will minimize the chances of the fox resorting to his familiar and skilful foxy escapes.
The fox’s spouse will do well to learn to be more assertive, more forthright.
Avoid simply responding to the fox’s behaviour.
Do not nag.
Do not be a martyr.

MAGPIE STYLE RESENTMENT:

The magpie chatters and pecks at a resistant spouse trying to get the spouse to do something.

The magpie’s resentment is rooted in a long list of grievances which are well documented and often reviewed.

The magpie has a sense of moral rectitude “I have gone far, far beyond the call of duty in trying to make things work out.” This attitude makes the magpie slow to see the need for personal change.

The magpie is frustrated and disgusted: there is a lack of real co-operation and the magpie naggingly lets its spouse know.

The magpie’s spouse feels like a worm.

The magpie feels that if anything is going to ever be accomplished they themselves are going to have to bring it off.

Some magpie’s feel forced into their hateful role by irresponsible or passive spouses. Other magpies feel comfortable being in charge and only feel uncomfortable when their spouse is incompetent.

The magpie has a dark fantasy of what would happen if they themselves ever stopped cawing complaints.

Remedies:
Disengage from power struggles.
Change your approach.
Replace the frustrating thought “It’s terrible, awful and unfair and I’m not getting the responses I ought to get” with the more assertive thought “It’s a real pain in the neck that I’m not getting the responses I want” And “He/she ought to do this because it’s right" with “If this is more important to me than it is to my spouse, then it’s my responsibility to make it worth his/her while to do it.”
Magpies are usually married to moles.

MOLE STYLE RESENTMENT:

The mole is stubborn and resistant.

The mole reacts to criticism by digging deeper into its burrow of passivity. A mole in extreme mode is so withdrawn that it virtually disappears from the marriage leaving the role of spouse behind like an empty tunnel.

The mole may have a list of grievances as long as its spouses but it rarely expresses its feelings to the spouse except through nonresponse.

Moles are skilled at surviving in hostile environments with the least possible expenditure of energy. Long ago they learnt it didn’t pay to fight. When the heat is on the mole remains silent and does nothing. If that isn’t enough, they agree to anything. Whatever they do, they don’t let their spouse get to them.

Some moles are moles in every sphere of their life, others are selective moles. No one is more impervious to threats, bribes, sermons and attacks than the mole.

Remedies:
Help your mole voice its complaints and define its own goals.
Be more supportive rather than critical of your mole’s initial efforts to change. Mole, discover alternative ways of expressing your feelings.
Become more assertive.
Mole, formulate your own idea of a solution to your marriage problems.

BEAR STYLE RESENTMENT:

The bear’s ability to hoard resentments is matched by a powerful, confronting, domineering style which tyrannizes and alienates it’s loved-ones. Generally the bear had a bear father or mother. The bear knows no other way to deal with people.

The bear lacks social graces, may feel lonely and unappreciated – it is likely to be surrounded by those who fear and dislike it.

Frequently the bear is discouraged – it sees itself doomed to deal with ungrateful and irresponsible people who depend on it, but begrudge it what it is sure is its right to demand of others.

Bears do not have a high opinion of psychology, therapy, or books on marriage.
Only a badly wounded bear would likely read this.

Remedies:
Bear, recognise your pattern as one that alienates you from your loved-ones.
Your pattern fails to get you either respect or results you want.
Convert your aggressiveness to assertiveness – it will be difficult and challenging for you.
Learn to meet your own needs without resorting to intimidation.
Few things will be more rewarding to you, dear bear, than learning how to treat others with respect and watch their love for you released and flowing to include you.
Help your bear by being supportive.
Flood your bear with positives.
Become more assertive yourself.
Bears need to learn how others feel and what others want and expect – express yourself responsibly.

HOUND DOG STYLE RESENTMENT:

The hound dog’s sad eyes and droopy ears give a negative image which misrepresents its underlying potential.

Although the hound dog hoards resentments as well, it is better noted for its self-defeating negative attitudes.

The hound dog may be unusually gifted, but its assessment of its personal worth is extremely low and so it slinks away at the last possible moment from every real opportunity to succeed, and abandons its loved-ones.

The hound dog has a resentment to the powers-that-be and it distrusts its own value.

The hound dog rarely has an explanation for its behaviour except that it doesn’t matter, it would have blown it anyway.

The hound dog’s spouse may feel like the spouse is an extra child. Though upset, the spouse feels forced to reassure and comfort because the hound dog can’t handle a direct expression of anger. The spouse stays usually because they can see the hound dog’s potential. It is hard for anyone to convince the hound dog that it is possible to change.

Remedies:
Individual or group counselling is often effective.
If the hound dog can actually be persuaded to do some emotional growth exercise it would greatly benefit from them.

ALTERNATIVES TO ALL STYLES OF RESENTMENT:
Keep your strength and toughness.
Transform.
Increasingly let go of your prickliness, resentfulness, insensitivity.
Disengage from your power struggles.*
Have expectations of yourself. Monitor yourself.
Let your spouse work at developing expectations and monitoring him/her self.

*DISENGAGE FROM YOUR POWER STRUGGLES:
Write out a detailed list of what your spouse should do, ought to do, would do if they really cared, or does not do.
From your list choose three or four items that trouble you.
Write each of these at the top of a separate blank sheet of paper.
Take the papers one by one: write down variations of three or four optional ways below that might help you deal with each one of your concerns.
Choose one of the papers to work on for a week.
Choose one of the alternatives you have written down.
Try it.
If you don’t like it after doing your best to make it effective - Try another strategy on your piece of paper.
When you have tried all of them and feel unsuccessful try something different.
Stick to the one challenge for at least a week.
Move on to your next concern when you feel ready to.

Resign the Crown:
Swallow your pride.
Cut your losses.
Give over the responsibility to the other – let him/her reap the inevitable harvest – whatever it turns out to be.
Accept and prepare for the consequences you might also have for resigning the crown.

Do it Yourself:
Do what needs doing yourself – in the way you would like it done – without muttering or playing the martyr or verbally/nonverbally putting the other down.
Why should anyone do what they do not want to do just because you want them to do it?

Make an Offer too Good to Refuse:
You want what you want, take responsibility, be creative, discover how to become more and more successful to make it worthwhile for your loved-one to do.
Make it rewarding for your learner to learn what needs to be learnt.

Join with Joy:
Use your imagination.
Develop your goodwill.
This is generally a satisfying strategy for you both.

Go Back to the Pain of your Usual Resentful Style:
You don’t have to grow and learn new ways to be more mature in your marriage…

*BECOME MORE ASSERTIVE:
Carefully review your marital relationship.
Identify the situations where you clearly demand what you want.
Identify the situations in which you fail to make what you want known.
(If you can’t think of any, ask someone who knows you well pinpoint a few.)
Think of three or four things you most want your spouse to know about.
Formulate a simple request: no implied threats, no whining or martyrishness.
Assume goodwill on the part of your spouse and say clearly what you want.
Do not repeat yourself (nag.)

Success? Well done. Keep making progress.

No success? Go back to discovering more about how assertiveness works – how it looks, sounds and behaves. Practice.

Get skilled help if necessary.

From: Dr Carlfred Broderick “Couples” p107 - 125

To Be Loved

"To be loved you have to make yourself loveable.
Carrying past baggage does not make you loveable;
it makes you high maintenance."
Allan Harvey "Renovate Your Life." p140