The Drama Triangle

What is going on at psychological levels between you and your spouse?

What is really going on between you and each of your children?

Steven Karpman (Transactional Analysis practitioner) devised a simple yet powerful diagram to help us understand our relationships with some people. He called it THE DRAMA TRIANGLE. He suggests that we can frequently take on one of the roles of the Drama Triangle - if we are less aware!

Imagine an upside-down triangle with the two top angles being labelled Persecutor and Rescuer, and the bottom angle being labelled Victim...

DRAMA TRIANGLE ROLES:

Persecutor - either active (shouting/hitting) or passive (withdrawing/not speaking)
Rescuer
Victim

Can you "see" the part YOU play in this Drama Triangle?

Identify your favourite role.
Identify what roles you think the others in your life are playing.
Identify when YOU choose to play a complementary role.
Identify when you are "sucked into" a complementary role.
Identify who starts the "play".
Identify what happens as the "play" plays out.
Identify how your "play" ends.

Here is what you might try when you identify what you are doing in a "Drama Triangle Play":

Simply refuse to carry on "acting" whichever part you are playing.
Simply STOP. Say "Whoops! - time to think!" if you want to.
Simply be quiet. Say "I'm pausing to think." if you want to.
Simply look. Listen. Think. Decide. "What is going on here?!"
Simply notice what is happening here - "What is happening?"

DO NOT label the behaviour of any others to them.
THINK about the "players", do not openly label them.

The player with the most power to change things in the Drama Triangle interactions is the Victim.

A Persecutor sees the other/s as "Less Than" and persecutes them - A Persecutor sees others as being "one-down" compared to him.
A Persecutor (Active or Passive) ignores the dignity, value and uniqueness of the other/s in her life.

A Rescuer views himself as "More Than" the other/s.
A Rescuer offers/forces his "help" from his "one-up" position.
"I have to help you because you are not good enough/smart enough tohelp yourself".
A Rescuer ignores the ability of other people to think and act on their own initiative.

A Victim sees herself (or allow other people to see her) in a "one-down" position.
Sometimes a Victim subtly seeks a Persecutor to put her down and push her around.
Sometimes a Victim naively seeks a Rescuer who will offer help and confirm her Victim beliefs "I can't cope on my own." "You know more than I do." "There is nothing I can do to get out of this."
A Victim ignores her own dignity, value and iniative - She sees herself as someone worthy of no more than rejection and belittling. She sees herself as in need of help in order to think straight, act, or make decisions.

See if this fits for you:

"I step into the Drama Triangle by taking on one of the roles and inviting others to take on a reciprocal/complementary role; or I am invited into the Drama Triangle by someone else who initiates the "DRAMA". This happens without my (or usually their) awareness."

(We learnt our habitual roles in the homes of our childhood where the roles were one of our means of survival in our circumstances there, 'favourable' or 'unfavourable'.")

You can know you/or another have/has stepped into A Drama Triangle by one or more of these five identifying factors:

1 Repetition: What is happening (or is going to happen) is repetitive. It has happened before and will follow the same pattern as before and next time too. "Here I go again! Why do I/we keep doing this?!"

2 Two levels: One level is the apparent level: the social level - the "act" what shows to observers. The other level is the psychological level - the unseen, the "real" level. Two different levels of communication are going on at the same time. Mixed messages (both ways) are in abundance - this is like a "soap opera!".

3 Feel bad: The end of the Drama, which may be short or long in duration, is that I, and sometimes/often, you and any others involved, feel a familiar, unsatisfying, frustrating and frustrated "bad" feeling... again!

4 The "Switch"/Surprise: The Drama Triangle always includes "the switch". This is a moment of confusion and unpleasant surprise. At this point you have the sensation that something lousily unexpected has happened - again. The role players have switched roles. "I was playing the Victim/Persecutor/Rescuer, now I am in another of the roles! What happened?!" "He was persecuting me, now he is so nice to me! What happened?!" "She was so helpful to me, now she is expecting me to help her! What happened?!""

5 The problem is not solved - again!: It was not solved in the past. There is now another problem that is being added to our growing heap of previously unsolved problems.There are real persecutors, rescuers and victims in the world. The Persecutors, Rescuers and Victims involved in The Drama Triangle are not really persecutors, rescuers and victims - they are taking on a role, playing a part - they are like actors in a play, following a script, and finding that they are no different after the "play" than before the DRAMA, neither has progress been made in solving any problem - in fact another problem is added.

Why do we enter into The Drama Triangle dynamics?
It is no fun.

We do it because we unconsciously learnt how to do it to get what we needed when we were children. "Playing our Part" worked then, in the family that we were in at that time. The problem is that we are no longer the 'child' in the home we were in as a child. We each are now an 'adult' in our circumstances now. Our out-dated strategies no longer are appropriate, nor problem solving, nor are they effective any more in our present day-to-day relationships and circumstances.

How do we "STOP" The Drama Triangle dynamics from playing out?

Try some of these:

As soon as you identify you are in A Drama Triangle, again!, either before the unpleasant Switch or after, choose to just step out. Simply "Stop".

Refuse to carry on your part of the "act" any longer.Please don't Persecute the others now!
Just say something like "I need to think about all this for a while."

Choose to be quiet and figure out for yourself how to get yourself "real".

Be Brave.

"If at first I don't succeed, I will try,try, try again, until I do."

If you don't know what "real" is for you, try different ways of expressing yourself until something feels really "real" to you.

When you find yourself being the Persecutor, say something like "I've been grinding at you again. I am sorry. I actually care about you. Give me a minute. I will be behaving more patiently and honestly from now on."

When you find yourself being the Rescuer try saying something like "Here I go again, I'm trying to solve your problem for you. Give me a minute... (take the time you need to figure out what you want to do or say) "What ideas have you had so far? How can I really help you?"(Just because someone ASKS for help (verbally or non-verbally), doesn't mean they actually DO need help. Perhaps you are not the one who can actually help them either...)

When you are being the Victim (the one with the greatest power to change the "Play") try something like "I have just realised that I feel /am acting helpless. When I think about it, I am not really. Let me get my brain and body out of 'neutral' or 'panic' and 'into gear', and THINK. I'll come back to you if I really am stuck and need your help. Thanks."

These Drama Triangle patterns are life-long patterns, and usually multi-generational.

They are frequently persistently resistant to change.

Every little bit of progress in stepping out of The Drama Triangles of your life will be a significant triumph."

I am moving towards more real interactions with people."

"I am moving towards more real problem solving in my life."

"I am moving towards less "feeling bad" that is unproductive."

You may 'feel (productively) bad' now as you move into these new and unfamiliar patterns.

This will lessen over time with each success you have.

Look for the support of different people whose lives are more effective, problem-solving and peaceful, as you want yours to be in future.

"I am moving towards being more honestly and openly my whole self - not operating on two levels any more in the same old, repetitive, frustrating and down-spirallingly agonising ways."

"I am moving towards having less unpleasant 'switches/surprises' in my life - and knowing what to do better."

"I am moving towards being more knowing and understanding of what is actually happening - in my interactions with the other people in my life. When I see the truth and understand it - I will be free to be my better, more peaceful 'me'".

"With vigilance and practice I can increasingly identify my own, and others', invitations into A Drama Triangle."

"I can choose (and know how to!) step out sooner."

"I can THINK and identify real needs (mine and others')."

"I can find straight, honest talk, and real ways to meet real needs."

"I will be taking a risk. I can be strong and of good courage."

"I will have to put in great effort to learn to do it."

"I will have to pause more often."

"I will have to think!"

"I will live more productively and consciously."

"I can do this! It may take me a while... but I CAN do this!"

"I will give myself this gift."

"I will ask for the help I need from those who REALLY can help me understand what is going on so that I can live more peacefully, purposefully and problem-solvingly."

Increasingly successful, continuous transforming and unfolding to you and yours, and me and mine too...

Healthy Grieving

The death of a loved one is the most profound of all sorrows.
(The losing of ANYTHING or ANYONE precious can also be profoundly sorrowful.)
Grief associated with such losses affects your emotions, your body, your life.

You may experience the raw feelings of anguish, sorrow, regret, longing, fear, deprivation.
Your body suffers exhaustion, tension, sleeplessness, crying, loss of appetite. The loss throws your life off-balance.

And yet grieving is something more than just the sorrow. It is “to celebrate the depth of the union. Tears, then, are the jewels of remembrance, sad, but glistening with the beauty of the past. So grief in its bitterness marks the end… but it also is praise to the one/circumstance who/which is gone.” (Tatelbaum)

We are never ready to deal with such a large loss as occurs in losing someone through death.

THE GRIEF PROCESS –
No two people react to huge losses in exactly the same way.
When “Stages of Grief” are used, these stages may be used as explanatory, as a descriptive way to show what usually happens and should not in any way be regarded as prescriptive.

Stage I
Numbness, disbelief, shock, anxiety.
This stage is almost always about 12 weeks of nature’s anesthetic –
your body’s built-in protective device that puts everything into a state of unreality.

Stage II
Disorganization of the bereaved’s personality.
You try to find new goals but experience difficulty in finding meaning in new activities.

Stage III
Re-organization of the bereaved’s personality.
You gradually accept the loss and put together a life without the person (previous advantages) and you cope in increasing degrees with your new reality.

These stages can take about two to five years – depending on the circumstances of the loss, and associated losses, and the personality of the bereaved.

GRIEVING TASKS – Grieving is hard work.

Task I
Acknowledge and accept the truth that the loss has occurred, that previous contact opportunities are over, for now, at this time.

Task II
Acknowledge, experience and deal with all the emotions and problems this loss has created.

GRIEVING SUPPORT –
The process of coming to terms with the loss, and associated losses, is complex and painful.
It is vital to seek effective support from someone around you as you move backward and forward through your own timing, and visiting and moving through, in your own way, the different grief stages.

Find someone, or several people, who know how to WAIT to see what YOUR needs are.
Many people around you may feel impatient, helpless, angry, frustrated:
“I do not like to see you suffer.”
“When you cry I want to say something to stop you crying.”
“When you ask hard questions I want to give sure, helpful answers.”
“It is hard for me to wait, to let you struggle, to see you cry, to go slowly.”
“I want to comfort you and everything I try doesn’t work for you.”

Good support will let you be where you are, and, with what you are feeling.

Good support will wait, try and determine your needs.

Good support will convey to you they hurt with you.

Good support will try and learn from you what your needs are.

Good support will not rush in with easy solutions.

Good support will not easy and quickly say
“Time will heal your wounds.”
“God does not make mistakes.”
“He/She’s/You're better off.”
“If you really had faith, you would not grieve so much.”

Good support will know that
when you are grieving, you don’t care about what books or other people say.

Find someone, or a team of people, who will just be AVAILABLE to you.
Ask if you can phone them if you need to.
Invite them to visit you when you need them.
Ask if you can go and visit them if that is preferable to you.

Find at least one who can BE QUIET MOST OF THE TIME and
LISTEN to YOU.
Find people who have the compassion and wisdom to listen to you tell the same story over and over if you need to do so. Telling it over and over helps you to hear it over and over and will assist your moving to other stages along the road towards mental and emotional health and healing, in due time.

Avoid people who lightly say
“It’s time to put this into your past.”
“Pull yourself together.”
“Let me give you a sedative.” (Unless that is what YOU want to assist you temporarily)
“You know he/she wouldn’t have wanted you to grieve like this.”
“Get over it.”

You are unique. Your grieving will be unique.
Allow yourself to be genuine and safe as you experience your own grieving this time.
Next time you need to do the work of grieving, it will be different again.

Create your support team who will be with you as you to grieve honestly and openly and uniquely, and to make your own progress in your own particular way.

Grieving is natural, and so are its manifestations, every single time.

“A terrible thing has happened. To make the matter worse, there is no (complete) explanation as to why the event happened. What are you supposed to feel? Happiness? Joy? Thankfulness? How are you supposed to react? With bursts of faith? With a carrying on as if nothing happened? No. You have been deeply hurt. You should therefore hurt deeply. One day you will feel better. One day you will live again. Right now you are wounded. No explanation in the world will make the wound go away. You feel a thousand why’s – ask them all. You have a million feelings – feel them all.”

From Robert McKay – UNISA

Normal Stages of Grieving

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8, 11, 17

1 To every thing there is a a season, and a b time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 A a time to be born, and a time to b die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 A time to weep, and a time to a laugh; a time to b mourn, and a time to dance;
5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 A time to a get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 A time to a rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep b silence, and a time to speak;
8 A time to love, and a time to a hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
11 He hath made every thing a beautiful in his time: also he b hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the c work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
17 I said in mine heart, God shall a judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.


A Life Changing Event happens in your life...

There are normal stages of grieving. They do not necessarily happen in the recorded order. We shift from one to the other and back and forth until the work of grieving is done increasingly and finally completely.

Grief is a "season" and a "time" to be born, to die, plant, pluck up, kill, heal, break down, build up, weep, laugh, mourn, dance, cast away stones, gather stones together, get, loose, keep, embrace, refrain from embracing, speak, be silent, love, hate, a time of war, and a time of peace.

There is a time to look for the beauty amidst the devastation - it is usually not soon. There is a time to leave judgment to the Holy Ones, as well as those we as a society have charged with the responsibility of judging and meting out justice.

LIFE CHANGING EVENT!

Numbness/Relief
Denial
No awareness of feelings
Powerlessness
Can't believe what happened
Huge relief... even joy sometimes

Anger Inward/Outward
The "Why me?!" stage
Resentment
Bitterness
Irritability
Snappy with others

Bargaining/Guilt
The "Yes but..." stage
"What if..."
"If only..."
Want to get other opinions

True Grief/Depression
Feel the finality of the life changing event
Know the real enormity of the event
Anguish
Agony
Hearache
Hearbreak
Sadness
Hopelessness
Deep depression

Options
Begin to imagine some alternatives
Can see glimmerings of choices still available
"Where to from the changed here?"
Slight feelings of "light"
Hope

Acceptance
Can see some of the blessings of the experience
Accept self as changed forever
Accept circumstances as changed forever
Feel some forgiveness of self
Feel some forgiveness of the "other/s"

Integration
Event becomes a “part of personal history”
(It can take two to five years to reach this point)

Be patient - with your Body, Mind and Spirit
Be patient - with the Bodies, Minds and Spirits of the others in your life who are also grieving in their own way, according to their own time-table.

“Weeping is the most honest expression of true grief. Tears bring cleansing as if the emotional wound was being physically washed.” – Leslie Hands

Grief Support

Responding to Normal Stages of Grieving
– You get the opportunity to Be REAL and to be supportive.
Be HONEST with yourself and them - you are learning too.

***
A Life Changing Event occurs in the life of one of your loved ones.
What is needed by him/her is your presence.
Compassionately witness what is happening.
Be steadfast.
Just quietly be there

Numbness/Euphoria will likely come next
"You look shocked."
"You can't believe what happened!"
"You feel frozen/numb."
"you feel look and sound ecstatic/relieved."
Affirm and reflect their feelings

Anger outward/inward might next manifest itself
"You are furious..."
"It's unfair!"
"You resent..."
"You are wondering... why you?!"
Show your empathy and respect. Reflect observed or imagined anger

Bargaining is a usual stage of the grieving process
"You feel you want another opinion.."
"You wonder 'What if...'"
"You are thinking 'If only...'"
"You are thinking 'Yes, but...'"
Be patient. This step is normal and should pass in time

Depression is the true depths of grieving.
(notice YOUR need to get past this stage. Resist it.)
"You feel guilty about..."
"It's OK to cry. This is within normal for now."
"You look so sad."
"What is your greatest fear now?"
Support your loved one. Be there

Options should begin to rise from the darkness and pain
"You sound like you might begin to go forward from here..."
"Who do you think you might be able to consult with?"
"It looks like you are becoming aware of glimmers of light - even in these dark days."
"Do you have any sense of what your next step might be?"
Explore together

Acceptance
"It sounds like you are seeing a gift from this experience..."
"I hear you beginning to accept yourself as changed forever."
"I see you accepting your different circumstances a little more."
Share your observations of small progress

Integration
"The terrible event is becoming a 'part of your history'."
(The grieving process can take up to two to five years or more to reach this stage. Be patient.)
Rejoice together

(Thank You: Hospice Home in the West)