Number 8 of this series of 12 Traps:
Dear Friends
Here is the trap that I have wondered about for many years: Dr Barlow – “Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and How To Avoid Them” -and I share these comments.
The Temper Trap
The inability or unwillingness of marriage partners to control, modify, or possibly eliminate anger in their relationship.
Temper: State of feeling or frame of mind usually dominated by a single strong emotion; heat of mind or emotion, proneness to anger, passion.
Marriage partners who love each other sometimes become highly irritated or annoyed or outrightly angry with each other. Interesting paradox.
Sometimes a spouse will do or say something that acts as a trigger to the other. On occasion, the absence of actions or words may also irritate.
Premise 1
The state of marriage generates in normal people more anger than they are likely to ever experience in any other relationship
Premise 2
Unless the anger generated can be processed effectively, intimacy is likely to fail to develop. Disillusionment results and can easily lead to alienation
Premise 3
Alienation results from not understanding the anger of either/both. The methods used to deal with the anger of either/both are counterproductive
Premise 4
It is possible, and also not necessarily easy to learn new skills to foster a more productive and creative processing of anger so that it will weld love and intimacy rather than destroy
Recall the last time you were irritated or angry with your spouse. What was the situation? What triggered your anger? Most important, how were YOU feeling before the incident occurred?
Apparently anger and irritation are frequently linked to one’s self-esteem. “There is an all too human tendency for us to get irritated with others in direct proportion to our irritation with ourselves.”
A Guide to Successful Marriage (p 79)- Drs Albert Ellis and Richard Harper
“If my spouse is angry or upset, they may not be living up to their own expectations… or their self-esteem may be low because of some supposed, or real, failures.”
“If I am angry or upset, I may be sitting with the same challenge…”
“If I find myself misdirecting my anger, I should retract my angry statements immediately and apologise for my behaviour admitting that I am actually upset with myself!”
“My anger is a signal that I need to correct some of my thoughts” – Burton Kelly
“My anger is a reminder of weaknesses I need to overcome” – Burton Kelly
“Our hostile feelings towards another person are more fundamental to our problems than the other person’s behaviour.” Terrance D Olson
What is your IQ? - Irritability Quotient?
Are you easily provoked? Here’s a test for you.
Score: 0 = very little annoyance to 4 = very angry
1. The new appliance you bought does not work when you plug it in
2. You are overcharged by a repairman who helped you when you were in a bind
3. You were singled out for correction when others doing the same went unreprimanded
4. You are talking to someone who doesn’t answer you
5. Someone pretends to be what he is not
6. While you are struggling to carry a load someone bumps you and your load spills
7. You get your car stuck in the mud
8. You are hounded by a salesman
9. You have made arrangements and at the last moment you are let down
10. You are being joked about or teased
11. You make a driving error and another motorist yells at you
12. Someone near you is tapping his foot
13. You lend something and the borrower does not return it
14. You have had a busy day and your spouse complains that you forgot to do something for them
15. You are trying to discuss something important to you and the listener won’t let you finish
16. You are talking to someone who knows very little about what they are heatedly professing
17. You need to get somewhere quickly and the car in front of you is driving slowly – you can’t pass
18. A third party keeps interrupting an argument between you and someone
19. You step on a wad of chewing gum
20. When you are in a hurry you tear a good piece of clothing on a sharp object
21. You use your last coin and are disconnected before you can get through and talk
22. You have hung up your clothes and someone knocks them off and doesn’t rehang them
23. Someone makes a mistake and blames it on you
24. You are mocked at by a small group of people as you walk past
25. You are stalled in the traffic. The car behind you keeps hooting at you
How did you score?
0-45 Remarkably low Irritability Quotient
46-55 You respond with less anger than most
56-75 Your response is about average
76-85 You respond with substantially more anger than most
86-100 You have a very high IQ. You probably harbour negative feelings
and have headaches and other aches and pains and high blood pressure.
Relatively few people respond with as much anger as you do
There are at least four normal responses to our own anger and that of others:
FIGHT – immediately becoming verbally or physically aggressive or both
FLIGHT – running away either physically or mentally or emotionally
FREEZE - play dead, or do nothing
FOCUS - get a clear image of what is really going on. Relax and act appropriately and effectively
Each response can be absolutely right or absolutely wrong, or anything in between, depending on the varying circumstances and people present each time anger manifests itself! Which is your favourite? Which do you know least about? How can you learn about all four and use each appropriately?
1. Some people say that anger is instinctive and that neither the onsets nor the consequences are within our control. Like a Temper Tantrum. “You make me so angry…” is the language of this perspective.
2. Others believe that anger is an instinctive response to perceived threat, but we are in control of what we do and say. While we cannot, sometimes, help becoming angry, we can do something about it once we are.
3. A third perspective is that our anger is a choice we make. We can choose whether we are going to become (or remain) angry, and we may therefore, choose not to experience the consequences of anger.
This perspective is difficult and mature. I don’t know anyone as mature as this, do you?
I have made some progress, and also, I am older now, and have less multiplicity of triggers now.
How to get out of THE TEMPER TRAP LDS - Let’s Do Something! It is possible
(The temper trap is not easy for some of us to escape)
Do the IQ test and see where you might be according to that
Keep an “Anger Log” for 2 weeks
What opportunities do you have to get angry?
How often do you get angry?
What kind of anger is it: Anger inwards/outwards?
How often do you get Irritated, Annoyed, Angry..
What happened as a result of your anger: to you, to other/s?
Give yourself to much introspection
Discuss the problem with your spouse or one you can talk to
Professional counselling might also be needed – get it (if it is
not effective, find another counsellor)
Can anger be a choice?
Interesting thought - worth cultivating the capacity to choose not to use anger distructively?
You and I will be working on this for a very long time...
See also BETTER PARENTING - BE PREPARED on my links at the left - entry on "Anger"
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
The Turmoil Trap
Number 7 of this series of 12 Traps:
Dear Friends
How’s your life at the moment – Tranquil or Turmoil? Hopefully there is some, not too much, of each… That’s within the range of “Normal” and “Healthy”.
Pause with me and consider Dr Barlow’s thoughts on
The Turmoil Trap
The inability of a married couple to deal constructively with marital conflict.
Turmoil: A state of extreme confusion, agitation, or commotion; turbulence or disorder.
How does one deal with “what should be” (no marital conflict) compared to “what is” (conflict of varying degrees and frequency)?
Perhaps what we need in marriage is idealism tempered with realism.
Here are two myths in Dr Barlow’s opinion:
“Marriages will be free of conflict” and “The presence of conflict indicates a bad marriage.”
There may be marriages with little or no conflict, though many marriages that appear to be free of conflict may be actually far from it. There may be little contact between the two spouses and so little on which to differ.
In another type of marriage a husband and wife may have worked out a dominant/submissive relationship, in other words, one is master, the other is slave. Obviously a slave rarely disagrees with a master… this may be good for master/slave relationship, it is not good for husband/wife relationships!
Some older couples who “have never had a cross word between them” are probably forgetful!
Some couples avoid public displays of conflict and so their children and others believe they never had arguments.
Perhaps, then, we should not be overwhelmed that conflicts do/will occur in marriage. The key is what we do with them when they arise.
Have you ever done any of these listed below?
Rather… when last did either/both of you do this?!
HORIBILIZING:
We make more out of the differences than we should: we make a difficult or bad situation worse by irrational and/or uncontrolled thought.
PINCHING:
When last did you "pinch" you spouse? Did you hurt them? Probably a major crisis in your relationship will be the result of a series of small irritations (pinches) that are not dealt with by you, or both, when they arise.
Here are some examples of what might feel like PINCHES (clashes of wishes) to some spouses - perhaps yours:
You talk to me while I am on the phone
You leave a mess after you
You make light of a problem I tell you about
You come home and yell at our children when you are tired
You tease/mock/humiliate me in front of others
You question my judgement in front of our children
If and When you are calm with each other, and If and When you can:
Ask and discuss what feel like pinches from YOU to YOUR SPOUSE...
Tell and discuss what feel like YOUR pinches from YOUR SPOUSE.
Take turns talking and listening.
Take a “Time Out” whenever one of you needs it during your discussions.
How to get out of the TURMOIL TRAP:
LDS – Let’s DO Something!
List all the differences you have with each other that you can think of right now – add to the list when you remember others.
Divide the differences into two categories:
Essential:
Those differences that could break up your marriage
Non-essential:
Differences that should not affect the stability of you marriage
“In Essentials, let there be unity; in Non Essentials, liberty; and in all things, charity”
BH Roberts
Consider this sequence:
Differences > Disagreements > Conflict > Anger
(The next trap we discuss will be Anger – watch the for the next post for more on this one)
Decide where you are along this sequence with each of your spousal differences
Discuss and decide on one of the following for each difference, as far as possible now – Remember to “Time Out” when one or both of you need it…
COEXIST:
Accommodate each other in ways where you differ - agree to disagree, agreeably.
Practice patience and tolerance and courtesy.
CAPITULATE:
Acquiesce.
Give in.
As you discuss the issue, think about how much out of 10 you want what
you want.
If one wants it 8 out of 10 and the other 4 out of 10 capitulation works well.
Take turns at Just Giving In.
Say “Yes” rather than “Yes… but…” as often as you can. It is refreshing for both!
COMPROMISE:
Negotiate. Both of you yield or give in a little until you find a comfortable enough middle ground.
COLLABORATE (Win/Win):
Work, plan and persist with each other respectfully until you both derive your
major goals – probably in creative ways you haven’t thought about yet.
That usually means that you both need to find new ways to give and receive.
This may take a while!
PRACTICE MAKES IT EASIER.
Learn the skills of each “C” style above and many marital conflicts can be resolved or significantly modified.
Differences, most of them, do not have to be resolved NOW and only ONE WAY!.
Here’s an example of each style: Husband wants a R500 camera, Wife wants a R500 clock.
Coexist:
Do nothing about either desire, for now, or for ever, agreeably.
Capitulate:
Either the camera or the clock is bought.
Compromise:
He gets a less expensive camera, she gets a less expensive clock
Collaborate:
Perhaps they sell something so that they can get both at the same time.
Perhaps they find a way to earn or raise the extra money so that both can be bought.
These "C" are wonderful skills to have –
they are worth regularly developing and refining a further degree of each “C” to be able to use the appropriate and problem solving one most useful to enrich your marriage.
Enjoy your days.
Dear Friends
How’s your life at the moment – Tranquil or Turmoil? Hopefully there is some, not too much, of each… That’s within the range of “Normal” and “Healthy”.
Pause with me and consider Dr Barlow’s thoughts on
The Turmoil Trap
The inability of a married couple to deal constructively with marital conflict.
Turmoil: A state of extreme confusion, agitation, or commotion; turbulence or disorder.
How does one deal with “what should be” (no marital conflict) compared to “what is” (conflict of varying degrees and frequency)?
Perhaps what we need in marriage is idealism tempered with realism.
Here are two myths in Dr Barlow’s opinion:
“Marriages will be free of conflict” and “The presence of conflict indicates a bad marriage.”
There may be marriages with little or no conflict, though many marriages that appear to be free of conflict may be actually far from it. There may be little contact between the two spouses and so little on which to differ.
In another type of marriage a husband and wife may have worked out a dominant/submissive relationship, in other words, one is master, the other is slave. Obviously a slave rarely disagrees with a master… this may be good for master/slave relationship, it is not good for husband/wife relationships!
Some older couples who “have never had a cross word between them” are probably forgetful!
Some couples avoid public displays of conflict and so their children and others believe they never had arguments.
Perhaps, then, we should not be overwhelmed that conflicts do/will occur in marriage. The key is what we do with them when they arise.
Have you ever done any of these listed below?
Rather… when last did either/both of you do this?!
HORIBILIZING:
We make more out of the differences than we should: we make a difficult or bad situation worse by irrational and/or uncontrolled thought.
PINCHING:
When last did you "pinch" you spouse? Did you hurt them? Probably a major crisis in your relationship will be the result of a series of small irritations (pinches) that are not dealt with by you, or both, when they arise.
Here are some examples of what might feel like PINCHES (clashes of wishes) to some spouses - perhaps yours:
You talk to me while I am on the phone
You leave a mess after you
You make light of a problem I tell you about
You come home and yell at our children when you are tired
You tease/mock/humiliate me in front of others
You question my judgement in front of our children
If and When you are calm with each other, and If and When you can:
Ask and discuss what feel like pinches from YOU to YOUR SPOUSE...
Tell and discuss what feel like YOUR pinches from YOUR SPOUSE.
Take turns talking and listening.
Take a “Time Out” whenever one of you needs it during your discussions.
How to get out of the TURMOIL TRAP:
LDS – Let’s DO Something!
List all the differences you have with each other that you can think of right now – add to the list when you remember others.
Divide the differences into two categories:
Essential:
Those differences that could break up your marriage
Non-essential:
Differences that should not affect the stability of you marriage
“In Essentials, let there be unity; in Non Essentials, liberty; and in all things, charity”
BH Roberts
Consider this sequence:
Differences > Disagreements > Conflict > Anger
(The next trap we discuss will be Anger – watch the for the next post for more on this one)
Decide where you are along this sequence with each of your spousal differences
Discuss and decide on one of the following for each difference, as far as possible now – Remember to “Time Out” when one or both of you need it…
COEXIST:
Accommodate each other in ways where you differ - agree to disagree, agreeably.
Practice patience and tolerance and courtesy.
CAPITULATE:
Acquiesce.
Give in.
As you discuss the issue, think about how much out of 10 you want what
you want.
If one wants it 8 out of 10 and the other 4 out of 10 capitulation works well.
Take turns at Just Giving In.
Say “Yes” rather than “Yes… but…” as often as you can. It is refreshing for both!
COMPROMISE:
Negotiate. Both of you yield or give in a little until you find a comfortable enough middle ground.
COLLABORATE (Win/Win):
Work, plan and persist with each other respectfully until you both derive your
major goals – probably in creative ways you haven’t thought about yet.
That usually means that you both need to find new ways to give and receive.
This may take a while!
PRACTICE MAKES IT EASIER.
Learn the skills of each “C” style above and many marital conflicts can be resolved or significantly modified.
Differences, most of them, do not have to be resolved NOW and only ONE WAY!.
Here’s an example of each style: Husband wants a R500 camera, Wife wants a R500 clock.
Coexist:
Do nothing about either desire, for now, or for ever, agreeably.
Capitulate:
Either the camera or the clock is bought.
Compromise:
He gets a less expensive camera, she gets a less expensive clock
Collaborate:
Perhaps they sell something so that they can get both at the same time.
Perhaps they find a way to earn or raise the extra money so that both can be bought.
These "C" are wonderful skills to have –
they are worth regularly developing and refining a further degree of each “C” to be able to use the appropriate and problem solving one most useful to enrich your marriage.
Enjoy your days.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
The Tyranny Trap
Number 6 of this series of 12 Traps:
Dear Friend
Here’s a trap thatwe sometimes fall into…Explore again with Dr Brent A Barrow (“Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to avoid them”) and me:
The Tyranny Trap
The TYRANNY TRAP:
The tendency of one marriage partner to exercise too much power or control in decision making.
Tyranny: Arbitrary or unrestrained exercise of power; despotic abuse of authority
Question: Should the man be the head of the house?
In what way should the man be/not be the head of the house?
Here are some types of “heads”:
The King;
Benevolent Dictator;
Impasse Arbitrator;
Mayor/Political Boss;
Chairman of the Board;
Limited Partnership;
Guide/Scout;
The Bishop/Pastor;
The Servant of All.
If you look up some of these words in a dictionary you’ll probably have an interesting additional exercise.
Question:
Which of these styles would result in "mirages" and "assumptions" and "stereotypes"?
For whom? In what way? When?
Which of these styles will be "good" and "true" and "useful" and "genuinely problem solving"?
For whom? In what way? When?
You are more likely to be in the Tyranny Trap
1. If there is an imbalance in your decision making
2. If you are more concerned with "who decides" than "what is decided"
How to get out of the Tyranny Trap: LDS - Let"s Do Something!
Question:
Who currently makes most of which decisions in your household?
Use this 1 - 5 scale in answering the QUESTIONAIRE:
1. Husband only decides
2. Husband decides after consulting with wife
3. Both decide together
4. Wife decides after consulting with husband
5. Wife only decides
Do the following QUESTIONAIRE individually.
Discuss together periodically if/when you can:
The QUESTIONAIRE:
Who currently decides? Who should? Why?
Where couple live
What job husband takes
How many hours husband works
What occupation wife will do
How much time to spend together as a couple
How many children in the family
When to have children
How and when to discipline children
How much time to spend with children
How much time to spend with family/friends
When to have sexual relations
How to spend which money
When to make what major financial purchases
How much money to give to church and charity
How much time to spend in church activities
How much time to spend in community activities
How much time to spend in which personal pursuits
Where and when to go on holiday/vacation
Other…
Were most of your answers in the 1 (Husband only decides) or the 5 (Wife only decides) category?
You may be in the Tyranny Trap. You may be in the “no alternative” place because you don't know any better or because you or your spouse refuses actively or passively to share in the decision making!
What would you like to happen?
What NEEDS to happen in your marriage?
How can any change needed be begun, carried on, accelerated?
Who needs to do what?
What help might one of you need from the other?
Can you/will you ask for the help you need?
Who will you ask for the help you need?
Were most of your answers in the 3 (Both decide together) category?
Are you in the previously reviewed Togetherness Trap?
SLOW isn’t it?
This category is good for decisions affecting you both very much.
Have you relegated as many of your decisions as possible to the 1, 2, 4, and 5 categories? (cautious with 1 and 5 though!)
“By so doing, you may be adding some oil to what otherwise might be a rusty marital relationship.” Says Dr Barlow.
How ARE we really doing?
What changes do we NEED to make?
In WHO'S opinion?
WHY?
Another help in “checking and balancing” is the CONTEMPLATED way of making decisions:
Is what I/we are deciding to do:
1. In harmony with the TEN COMMANDMENTS test – the Law?
2. In harmony with the GOLDEN RULE test – do unto others as you would have them do unto you?
3. In harmony with the JESUS’ NEW COMMANDMENT test – love one another as I have loved you?
4. In harmony with the CONSEQUENCES test – is it hurtful/helpful to me and others?
5. In harmony with the PUBLICITY test – would I be ashamed if others knew about the way I decided?
6. In harmony with the RESPECTED PEOPLE test – Would one I respect sustain me in this thing?
7. In harmony with the UNIVERSALITY test – would the world be better/worse if everyone did as I do?
8. In harmony with the PROJECTED RETROSPECT test – Will I be pleased later with my decision now?
9. In harmony with the JESUS’ EXAMPLE test – Is this the way Jesus would do it if he were me now?
10. In harmony with the SELF-LOVE test – If I do this will I be caring for myself as well as the other/s?
11. In harmony with the CONSCIENCE test – Will I feel regret or gratitude later?
“The next time you or your spouse confront a major decision, why not apply these eleven tests to your options? It may help you in getting out of the tyranny trap and result in excellent decisions.” Dr Barlow
Dear Friend
Here’s a trap thatwe sometimes fall into…Explore again with Dr Brent A Barrow (“Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to avoid them”) and me:
The Tyranny Trap
The TYRANNY TRAP:
The tendency of one marriage partner to exercise too much power or control in decision making.
Tyranny: Arbitrary or unrestrained exercise of power; despotic abuse of authority
Question: Should the man be the head of the house?
In what way should the man be/not be the head of the house?
Here are some types of “heads”:
The King;
Benevolent Dictator;
Impasse Arbitrator;
Mayor/Political Boss;
Chairman of the Board;
Limited Partnership;
Guide/Scout;
The Bishop/Pastor;
The Servant of All.
If you look up some of these words in a dictionary you’ll probably have an interesting additional exercise.
Question:
Which of these styles would result in "mirages" and "assumptions" and "stereotypes"?
For whom? In what way? When?
Which of these styles will be "good" and "true" and "useful" and "genuinely problem solving"?
For whom? In what way? When?
You are more likely to be in the Tyranny Trap
1. If there is an imbalance in your decision making
2. If you are more concerned with "who decides" than "what is decided"
How to get out of the Tyranny Trap: LDS - Let"s Do Something!
Question:
Who currently makes most of which decisions in your household?
Use this 1 - 5 scale in answering the QUESTIONAIRE:
1. Husband only decides
2. Husband decides after consulting with wife
3. Both decide together
4. Wife decides after consulting with husband
5. Wife only decides
Do the following QUESTIONAIRE individually.
Discuss together periodically if/when you can:
The QUESTIONAIRE:
Who currently decides? Who should? Why?
Where couple live
What job husband takes
How many hours husband works
What occupation wife will do
How much time to spend together as a couple
How many children in the family
When to have children
How and when to discipline children
How much time to spend with children
How much time to spend with family/friends
When to have sexual relations
How to spend which money
When to make what major financial purchases
How much money to give to church and charity
How much time to spend in church activities
How much time to spend in community activities
How much time to spend in which personal pursuits
Where and when to go on holiday/vacation
Other…
Were most of your answers in the 1 (Husband only decides) or the 5 (Wife only decides) category?
You may be in the Tyranny Trap. You may be in the “no alternative” place because you don't know any better or because you or your spouse refuses actively or passively to share in the decision making!
What would you like to happen?
What NEEDS to happen in your marriage?
How can any change needed be begun, carried on, accelerated?
Who needs to do what?
What help might one of you need from the other?
Can you/will you ask for the help you need?
Who will you ask for the help you need?
Were most of your answers in the 3 (Both decide together) category?
Are you in the previously reviewed Togetherness Trap?
SLOW isn’t it?
This category is good for decisions affecting you both very much.
Have you relegated as many of your decisions as possible to the 1, 2, 4, and 5 categories? (cautious with 1 and 5 though!)
“By so doing, you may be adding some oil to what otherwise might be a rusty marital relationship.” Says Dr Barlow.
How ARE we really doing?
What changes do we NEED to make?
In WHO'S opinion?
WHY?
Another help in “checking and balancing” is the CONTEMPLATED way of making decisions:
Is what I/we are deciding to do:
1. In harmony with the TEN COMMANDMENTS test – the Law?
2. In harmony with the GOLDEN RULE test – do unto others as you would have them do unto you?
3. In harmony with the JESUS’ NEW COMMANDMENT test – love one another as I have loved you?
4. In harmony with the CONSEQUENCES test – is it hurtful/helpful to me and others?
5. In harmony with the PUBLICITY test – would I be ashamed if others knew about the way I decided?
6. In harmony with the RESPECTED PEOPLE test – Would one I respect sustain me in this thing?
7. In harmony with the UNIVERSALITY test – would the world be better/worse if everyone did as I do?
8. In harmony with the PROJECTED RETROSPECT test – Will I be pleased later with my decision now?
9. In harmony with the JESUS’ EXAMPLE test – Is this the way Jesus would do it if he were me now?
10. In harmony with the SELF-LOVE test – If I do this will I be caring for myself as well as the other/s?
11. In harmony with the CONSCIENCE test – Will I feel regret or gratitude later?
“The next time you or your spouse confront a major decision, why not apply these eleven tests to your options? It may help you in getting out of the tyranny trap and result in excellent decisions.” Dr Barlow
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