Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth give I unto you.
Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. - John 14:27
Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou are in the way with him… Matthew 5:25
And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive. Matt 21:22
…all things work together for good to them that love God… Romans 8:28
… this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting. Matt 17:21
“You are selfish!”
“You are a perfectionist!”
“You are…!”
“You are so…!”
may be said to you to provoke you.
Perhaps these stinging words are said to you out of HIS/HER frustration, anger, hurt, sadness or fear.
Try some of the more peace-making, peace-giving responses:
Yes, there are still selfish pieces in me. I guess you love me for my other wonderful qualities.
Yes, a part of me is perfectionist. There are still also plenty of un-perfectionist parts of me.
You got me! When I am completely unselfish one day… look out world!
Oh yes…! And yet you still chose to marry me… Thank you! Thank you. Thank you for choosing me despite my then, and still, imperfections…
Indeed. I am grateful you chose to marry me in spite of my … which maybe you didn’t know about then – it was there! I didn’t know it was there then either. (or “I knew it was there then - I hoped for your patience as I work on this”.)
Absolutely. I look forward to being an easier … to live with.
You see through my outward appearance... Thank you for reminding me I still have this to work on.
Yes… sadly… I am glad you continue with me despite my slowly decreasing faults and failings.
You are right. Please forgive me. Even in my … I love you madly.
Yes! And I can tell you still love me! Yahoo! I am the luckiest … in town!
That’s fascinating! I still have work to do on that one. Please can WE still work together on other things… can we find a way?
True. And I also know you are exasperatedly CRAZY about me… I am blessed.
Oh boy – you caught me being … again. Thwack! Thwack! Get Over This (self)! Please be patient with me while I work on this... AGAIN!
Seriously… you are right. Drat! I thought I had beaten that imperfection into subjection!
(Huge Sigh) … (your own name), more “sackcloth and ashes” for you while you work again on that. Thanks for reminding me - it is helpful to have someone close to me notice and tell me.
Darn! I thought I had that licked! Back to the drawing board and “working on it” (your name).
Ooi! Caught again… Watch Out Family… I’ll get this right yet. Patience and Persistence pay.
Yes. Thankfully, I still know I am not junk… God never made any junk – not even me.
Ouch. I’ve made other progress that has made me feel proud. I’ll be proud one day, maybe sooner rather than later, in this regard too.
OK… I’ll be the prize you deserve one day! Thanks for your patience and faith in me so far.
Whew. Hang in there, my (be)loved, the best of me is yet to be. You’ll be delighted with me yet.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Diffusers
Watch yourself: Almost all the time no agression, no condescension needed - YOU will merely be, and look, unbecoming.
Advice-givers usually have the very best of intentions, lack boundaries and skill.
When confronted by an advice-giver, try one of these diffusers:
Thanks for telling me.
I have to go right now.
We will need to talk another time.
You’re my man/girl/father-/mother-figure!
Watch this space… I haven't decided yet how I will handle this.
I’ve never done what you suggest before, and I’m not about to start now.
So… If you were me… you would do this differently…
So, if you were me… your decision would be easy.
I hadn’t thought of that perspective – thank you for sharing it with me.
Thank you for your opinion. I know you wouldn’t have told me if you didn’t care for me.
Thank you for your comments. I will consider them before I make my decision.
Thank you for your point of view. I promise to think about it.
Thank you for caring to share. I will think about what you have said.
Thank you for telling me. I will take your point of view into consideration.
I am not at “Yes” yet. I will go away and think about what you have told me now.
I haven’t made my decision yet – I will add this to the information I have so far. Thank you.
Say no more… I get you. Thanks for telling me.
This is another angle to consider - thank you.
Advice-givers usually have the very best of intentions, lack boundaries and skill.
When confronted by an advice-giver, try one of these diffusers:
Thanks for telling me.
I have to go right now.
We will need to talk another time.
You’re my man/girl/father-/mother-figure!
Watch this space… I haven't decided yet how I will handle this.
I’ve never done what you suggest before, and I’m not about to start now.
So… If you were me… you would do this differently…
So, if you were me… your decision would be easy.
I hadn’t thought of that perspective – thank you for sharing it with me.
Thank you for your opinion. I know you wouldn’t have told me if you didn’t care for me.
Thank you for your comments. I will consider them before I make my decision.
Thank you for your point of view. I promise to think about it.
Thank you for caring to share. I will think about what you have said.
Thank you for telling me. I will take your point of view into consideration.
I am not at “Yes” yet. I will go away and think about what you have told me now.
I haven’t made my decision yet – I will add this to the information I have so far. Thank you.
Say no more… I get you. Thanks for telling me.
This is another angle to consider - thank you.
Stop Your Arguments - It Takes Two to Argue
“Argument Stopping Statements”
- help me live a more dignified life.
- help me avoid becoming aggressive.
- protect me from becoming a push-over.
- help me be friendly/firm and fair to me as well as to you.
- help me solve my/my-part-of our problems.
- help dissipate negative energy
Accompany these statements with a “cool-loving” or “warm coolth”, steadfastness in your face and body and voice.
Look the other person bravely and confidently (not challengingly) in the eye.
Remember to breathe: difficult, scary, unfamiliar situations need oxygen-rich blood flowing through your brain and body.
Become well-versed with these statements. They will help you over and over again.
Add to this argument stopping tool-box from your own experience and resources.
Practice lots.
Get help from someone more skilled than you both if you need it.
Oh?
Oh…
Ah…
Wow… Phew… Sigh…
Oh my…
Really?
That’s interesting…
I need to think about that.
You are right… I am not perfect yet.
Other aspects of me are more excellent than what you mention – thank you for telling me.
Please be patient with me – I am a ‘work in progress’.
Oh. Thank you for telling me.
I guess you love/respect/appreciate me for some of my other qualities!
I have carefully listened to you. This is how I see it from my point of view… Your turn to listen to me…
I am unsettled now – it’s time for me to withdraw for a while and think about this. I’ll get back to you.
My feathers are getting ruffled. Three deep breaths… OK… now you can carry on…
My inner dragon is stirring… I need to take a ‘time out’ for a while.
My inner dragon is starting to breathe fire. Excuse me while I spend some quality time with him/her.
I feel my inner witch awakening. I need to take time to reassure/listen to him/her…
I can see you feel strongly about this… really strongly… passionately…
Please tell me how you arrived at that conclusion…
I appreciate your willingness/capacity to let me know. Thank you.
Thanks for telling me. I’ll think about what you have said.
We’ll get through this. We deserve better than this… we’ll get there - together.
I’m sorry we don’t see eye to eye on this issue… yet. Perhaps we never will…
As we keep talking we will talk our way into winning for each, and both, of us…
I am not at “Yes” /“No” yet. Please keep talking… Carry on some more…
You are right!
You have a point there…
I see that is one point of view…
That is your point of view… Hold on I want to write down your view so I can think about it.
I’m beginning to see where you are coming from… Tell me more...
Ah… I see what you mean…
I wish more people had your enthusiasm about this.
You are passionate about this.
That is well-expressed. I’ll think about what you have said.
This really deserves some deep thought from me.
I want to be sure I understand you. Please tell me again.
Tell me more… and then?… what did you see/hear/think?…
Don’t stop in the middle of your story… carry on…
We agree on other things. We can’t agree on this yet. Perhaps we never will – So be it.
So… you and I see things differently. I can live with that. Peacefully.
We will need to agree to disagree. Agreeably.
Love you/Respect you! Not going to fight with you on this one!
Not going to fight with you any more. Hurts me/us too much. I love/respect you too much.
Peace, my love/friend… We can get back to this if/when we need to.
God loves you. I love you. He made us both. We are both worthwhile. We can/will get through this…
Thursday, October 9, 2008
The Box Exercise
Get two smallish boxes - decorate them both beautifully: one in dark, the other in light colours.
Each answer the following questions. Put your answer on pieces of paper - one per answer.
What have been my greatest joys in the past?
What are among my greatest joys right now?
What joys am I looking forward to in my future?
What have been my worst fears in my past?
What are my greatest fears right now?
What do I imagine will be some of my greatest fears in my future?
What helped me to feel peaceful in my past?
What promotes peaceful feelings in my life right now?
What might bring me peacefulness in my future?
What angered me in my past?
What angers me now?
What is likely to anger me in my years ahead?
When did I feel competent, confident, cheerful, in the past?
What are my experiences of feeling powerful in my present?
What are likely to be the reasons I might feel accepted and respected in my future?
What setbacks have I had in my past?
What setbacks have I had in the recent past or am I experiencing right now?
What setbacks might I have to deal with in my future?
Sort your answers into the two boxes:
Light and lovely recordings into the light box, dark and difficult recordings into the other.
When you want to, or when you need to, take out one of the slips in the box the opposite of what you are feeling right now.
If you are feeling gloomy, take out a slip of paper in the light and bright box; if you are feeling really chuffed with yourself, draw a slip from the darkly beautiful box.
Ask yourself:
What can I do about this?
Does this have any message for me right now?
Write your answers on another piece of paper and put the two together in your couple journal or scrapbook.
Decorate with drawings, photos, cuttings or words, whatever feels right to you.
Add to the boxes when you want to.
You do not have to deal with or process most things right away - do it when you feel able to, or need to.
Do the work with a professional if necessary.
"The headlines are screaming… These are the conditions under which we live… They do not define our life."
What helps me live my best way possible in my marriage for now - day to day, hour by hour?
Be realistic and practical.
"Try a little scrubbing to relieve your discontent when necessary. The bathroom or kitchen will be cleaner"
"Keep a lid on your individual (and collective) temper and self pity."
Write the miserable story on a piece of paper and put it in the dark box.
Acknowledge dark and light in your life.
Deal with the dark as well as the light when it is appropriate and when it suits you.
Ask for help, and get it. We all get stuck in the "moods" and "mud" or the "glitz" and "glory" of life at times.
With thanks to A. van Dyk for some of the ideas - The "Saturday Star"
Each answer the following questions. Put your answer on pieces of paper - one per answer.
What have been my greatest joys in the past?
What are among my greatest joys right now?
What joys am I looking forward to in my future?
What have been my worst fears in my past?
What are my greatest fears right now?
What do I imagine will be some of my greatest fears in my future?
What helped me to feel peaceful in my past?
What promotes peaceful feelings in my life right now?
What might bring me peacefulness in my future?
What angered me in my past?
What angers me now?
What is likely to anger me in my years ahead?
When did I feel competent, confident, cheerful, in the past?
What are my experiences of feeling powerful in my present?
What are likely to be the reasons I might feel accepted and respected in my future?
What setbacks have I had in my past?
What setbacks have I had in the recent past or am I experiencing right now?
What setbacks might I have to deal with in my future?
Sort your answers into the two boxes:
Light and lovely recordings into the light box, dark and difficult recordings into the other.
When you want to, or when you need to, take out one of the slips in the box the opposite of what you are feeling right now.
If you are feeling gloomy, take out a slip of paper in the light and bright box; if you are feeling really chuffed with yourself, draw a slip from the darkly beautiful box.
Ask yourself:
What can I do about this?
Does this have any message for me right now?
Write your answers on another piece of paper and put the two together in your couple journal or scrapbook.
Decorate with drawings, photos, cuttings or words, whatever feels right to you.
Add to the boxes when you want to.
You do not have to deal with or process most things right away - do it when you feel able to, or need to.
Do the work with a professional if necessary.
"The headlines are screaming… These are the conditions under which we live… They do not define our life."
What helps me live my best way possible in my marriage for now - day to day, hour by hour?
Be realistic and practical.
"Try a little scrubbing to relieve your discontent when necessary. The bathroom or kitchen will be cleaner"
"Keep a lid on your individual (and collective) temper and self pity."
Write the miserable story on a piece of paper and put it in the dark box.
Acknowledge dark and light in your life.
Deal with the dark as well as the light when it is appropriate and when it suits you.
Ask for help, and get it. We all get stuck in the "moods" and "mud" or the "glitz" and "glory" of life at times.
With thanks to A. van Dyk for some of the ideas - The "Saturday Star"
Sunday, October 5, 2008
The Television Trap
Number 12 of this series of 12:
Dear Friends
For the last time in this series we pause to consider a trap with Dr Brent A Barlow:
The Television Trap
The excessive viewing of meaningless and improper television programmes during hours that could be put to better use.
TELEVISION – The broadcasting of a still or moving image via waves to receivers that project it on a picture tube or screen for viewing at a distance from the point of origin.
There are many fine programmes that have enriched our lives as well as our marriages and families. There is so much of worth to enjoy and to learn in the world and television brings it right into our homes.
The sign Dr Barlow would like to see on every television set when it is sold:
"CAUTION: THE MISUSE OF THIS PRODUCT COULD BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR MARRIAGE!"
1. Television can rob us of time that could and should be used in more worthwhile pursuits: talking, reading, learning, hobbies, recreation.
2. Television is instrumental in attitude formation. What messages are being sent about marriage and families?
3. Television conveys some interesting role models in marriage and family life. Television can also be highly influential in determining marital expectations. Television relationships usually end in one of the 4 D’s: divorce, desertion, disillusionment and death. Is this what you want for your marriage? How will you find out another better way if the most frequent role models you see end up this way?
4. Television makes us all, young and old alike, less sensitive to violence and pain. Question: Is the violence we see on TV contributing to the increasing violence we detect in families?
5. Television viewing disrupts family schedules. Because viewing habits differ, we end up with one or the others watching television and reduced all-together family time. Television affects the time we go to bed at night and the time we wake up in the morning in many homes. Television has likely affected our husband/wife intimate times together as well.
6. Television can sell us a life style. “Unfortunately too many people exist on a mental diet of television, motion pictures… and sick publications… I consider most of what we have available as ‘junk food’ that leads to mental malnutrition and poor emotional and spiritual health” - Dr Denis Waitley
Television is actually an extraordinary invention that should greatly improve our lives.
“Much of television exposes us to antisocial behaviour performed by the incompetent, the uncouth and the insane. At the other extreme are the superheroes with unnatural strength and superhuman abilities, who are beautiful and handsome. When average individuals compare themselves to their TV heroes, they usually see themselves as inadequate…” Dr Barlow
How to get out of THE TELEVISION TRAP
LDS Let’s Do Something… Today.
Monitor YOUR viewing times per day for a week.
If you are watching more than 4 hours per day you may be ensnared in the Television Trap.
Many of us are truly addicted to TV viewing.
Simply control your viewing. Decide what you can/should do without.
Read the television guide and decide what you are going to watch.
Watch what you decided to watch and switch the television off.
There can be an enormously exhilarating feeling of success, competence and power in simply pressing the OFF button of the television or remote...
If television viewing is difficult for you to control, you might put yourselves more often in environments where there is no television until you learn to develop more self-control.
“I am willing to bet that if television viewing were cut in half, no one would suffer markedly. That would leave us time for talking, planning, enjoying each other’s company. Most of us simply watch too much television.”
Be selective. Watch the best. All this that we may “become aware and prepared in all things”.
Dear Friends
For the last time in this series we pause to consider a trap with Dr Brent A Barlow:
The Television Trap
The excessive viewing of meaningless and improper television programmes during hours that could be put to better use.
TELEVISION – The broadcasting of a still or moving image via waves to receivers that project it on a picture tube or screen for viewing at a distance from the point of origin.
There are many fine programmes that have enriched our lives as well as our marriages and families. There is so much of worth to enjoy and to learn in the world and television brings it right into our homes.
The sign Dr Barlow would like to see on every television set when it is sold:
"CAUTION: THE MISUSE OF THIS PRODUCT COULD BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR MARRIAGE!"
1. Television can rob us of time that could and should be used in more worthwhile pursuits: talking, reading, learning, hobbies, recreation.
2. Television is instrumental in attitude formation. What messages are being sent about marriage and families?
3. Television conveys some interesting role models in marriage and family life. Television can also be highly influential in determining marital expectations. Television relationships usually end in one of the 4 D’s: divorce, desertion, disillusionment and death. Is this what you want for your marriage? How will you find out another better way if the most frequent role models you see end up this way?
4. Television makes us all, young and old alike, less sensitive to violence and pain. Question: Is the violence we see on TV contributing to the increasing violence we detect in families?
5. Television viewing disrupts family schedules. Because viewing habits differ, we end up with one or the others watching television and reduced all-together family time. Television affects the time we go to bed at night and the time we wake up in the morning in many homes. Television has likely affected our husband/wife intimate times together as well.
6. Television can sell us a life style. “Unfortunately too many people exist on a mental diet of television, motion pictures… and sick publications… I consider most of what we have available as ‘junk food’ that leads to mental malnutrition and poor emotional and spiritual health” - Dr Denis Waitley
Television is actually an extraordinary invention that should greatly improve our lives.
“Much of television exposes us to antisocial behaviour performed by the incompetent, the uncouth and the insane. At the other extreme are the superheroes with unnatural strength and superhuman abilities, who are beautiful and handsome. When average individuals compare themselves to their TV heroes, they usually see themselves as inadequate…” Dr Barlow
How to get out of THE TELEVISION TRAP
LDS Let’s Do Something… Today.
Monitor YOUR viewing times per day for a week.
If you are watching more than 4 hours per day you may be ensnared in the Television Trap.
Many of us are truly addicted to TV viewing.
Simply control your viewing. Decide what you can/should do without.
Read the television guide and decide what you are going to watch.
Watch what you decided to watch and switch the television off.
There can be an enormously exhilarating feeling of success, competence and power in simply pressing the OFF button of the television or remote...
If television viewing is difficult for you to control, you might put yourselves more often in environments where there is no television until you learn to develop more self-control.
“I am willing to bet that if television viewing were cut in half, no one would suffer markedly. That would leave us time for talking, planning, enjoying each other’s company. Most of us simply watch too much television.”
Be selective. Watch the best. All this that we may “become aware and prepared in all things”.
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