How Do You Feel? G - J

Generous
Genial
Gentle
Genuine
Glum
Gracious
Grateful
Grave
Greedy
Gregarious
Grieved
Grieving
Groaning
Growing
Guilty
Gullible
Gutless
Gutsy


Harassed
Harried
Hard headed
Hard hearted
Hated
Hateful
Haunted
Heartbroken
Helpless
Holy
Honest
Honourable
Honoured
Hopeful
Hopeless
Horrible
Horrified
Hostile
Humble
Humbled
Humerous
Humiliated
Hurt
Happy
Honest
Humble
Hurried


Inadequate
Ignorant
Ignored
Immature
Important
Impressed
Impressive
Imprisoned
Inadequate
Incapable
Inconspicuous
Indecicive
Independent
Indignant
Inferior
Influential
Inquisitive
Insecure
Insignificant
Insistent
Intelligent
Intense
Interested
Interesting
Intimate
Intimidated
Intollerant
Intuitive
Inviting
Irritable
Irritated
Irritating


Jaded
Jealous
Jovial
Joyful
Just
Justified

Can you recognise how others look and sound when they feel some of these feelings?
Are you aware how YOU look and sound when you feel any of these feelings?

How Do You Feel? D - F

Dammed
Damned
Dangerous
Daring
Dead
Deceived
Deceitful
Decent
Decisive
Defenceless
Defensive
Delighted
Delightful
Dependant
Depressed
Desparate
Determined
Devastated
Devoted
Different
Difficult
Diplomatic
Dirty
Disappointed
Disconnected
Discouraged
Discriminated against
Disgusted
Disillusioned
Dismayed
Disobedient
Distracted
Disturbed
Dominant
Dominated
Doubtful
Dour
Dreamy
Dumb
Dutiful
Dying


Eager
Earnest
Ecstatic
Endangered
Engraciated
Engraciating
Enticing
Envious
Equal
Esteemed
Excitable
Excited
Exhausted
Expectant
Exploited
Exposed
Extravagant
Exuberant
Evil


Fair
Fainthearted
Faithful
Fake
Fascinated
Fascinating
Fastidious
Favoured
Fearful
Feminine
Fierce
Fighting mood
Firm
Flippant
Flirting
Forgetful
Forgiving
Forgiven
Forgotten
Foolish
Fragile
Frank
Frantic
Fraudulent
Frazzled
Freakish
Free
Friendly
Frightened
Frightening
Frustrated
Frustrating
Fulfilled
Funny
Fussy

Increase your vocabulary of words to define feelings.

Learn to notice what you are feeling.
Learn to express appropriately what what you are feeling.
Learn to identify when others have strong feelings - expressed or not.
Learn to reflect other's feelings accurately.

How DO you Feel? A - C

Increase your Emotional Intelligence and vocabulary of feeling descriptions:
Do you recognise when YOU feel:
Do you recognise when your spouse feels:

Able
Abused
Accepted
Accepting
Accomodating
Adequate
Admired
Admiring
Adored
Adoring
Adult
Adventurous
Affectionate
Afraid
Aggressive
Agony
Aimless
Airy Fairy
Alert
Alive
Aloof
Alluring
Amazed
Ambitious
Ambivilent
Amused
Angry
Annoyed
Anticipating
Anxious
Apathetic
Apologetic
Appreciated
Appreciative
Approachable
Argumentative
Ashamed
Assertive
Assisted
Attentive
Attracted
Attractive
Autonomous
Aware

Baffled
Balanced
Baleful
Bashful
Beaten
Begging
Betrayed
Bewildered
Bitter
Blessed
Boasting
Bold
Bombarded
Bored
Boring
Broken hearted
Brooding
Busy

Calm
Calculating
Candid
Capable
"Carbon Copy"
Carefree
Careless
Caring
Caustic
Cautious
Challenged
Cheated
Cheerful
Childish
Childlike
Churned up
Clean
Clear
Clever
Comfortable
Comforted
Committed
Competent
Complaining
Complaicant
Compliant
Conceited
Concientious
Concerned
Condescending
Condescended to
Confident
Confined
Conflicted
Confused
Connected
Consecrated
Conservative
Consientious
Consistent
Conspicuous
Content
Content
Contrite
Controlled
Cowardly
Coy
Cranky
Crazy
Creative
Crippled
Critical
Criticized
Cross
Cruel
Curious
Curt
Curtailed
Cut off
Cynical

Learn to recognise these in yourself and your spouse.

Learn to say "You look/sound ....."
"I am ......"
"I am wondering if you feel ....."

More feeling words to come - there are lots!

Exploratory Questions

Here are some exploratory questions for you to ask yourself that might just jump-start you to see your way forward in your own life:


Choose any issue in your own life that you would like to explore

Who are all of the other people involved in this issue?

What other areas of my life are affected by this issue?

What developmental stages am I going through now in my life?

What developmental stages are the other people involved with this issue experiencing?

What about this issue might be dangerous/hazardous… to me/other(s)…
in what ways?

Who believes what about this issue?
What do I believe?
What do the other(s) believe?

Examine each of the beliefs:
which are good and true and useful?
To whom?

Which of these beliefs (my own/other(s)) are stereotypes…
which are assumptions?

How is the way I am dealing with the situation helping ME?
(I am always helped in some way or other by the way I deal with things)

Who else is helped by the way I am dealing with the situation?

How is the way I am dealing with this issue hindering ME?
(I am always hindered in some way or other by the way I deal with things)

Who else is hindered, and in what way, by the way I am dealing with this issue?

In what way may the “helping” not be helpful?

In what way may the “hindering” not be hindering?

What other alternatives have I tried?
With what results?
For whom?

Do I persist with methods that do not work for me/other(s)?
Why?

The more I … (fill in the blank) the more… (fill in the blank).

The less I… the less…

The more I... the less...

The less I... the more...

What are the effects of the way I am handling things?
On me?
On other(s)?

How are these consequences what I want?

How are they what I do not want?

Are they useful to anyone?
Is this what I want?

What would I be busy with right now if I weren’t dealing with this issue?

What is the positive in this situation?
(There is always something positive – not always desirable to me and/or others).

What is the negative in the situation?
(There is always something negative – also not always desirable to me/others).

How can I turn my less effective words/actions/thoughts into more effective ones?

What am I gaining by holding my position on this issue?

What am I losing by maintaining my position on this issue?

These are three choices:
1. I can carry on in the same way
2. I can do/think/say something different/differently
3. I can find out and deal with the underlying issues

Which alternative will I/do I choose?
Why?

Will this change be a change towards/away from more effective living?
Why?

Can I do it on my own?
Do I need help?
Who might be able to help me?

How will I go about getting help (if I need it)?

Where do I see a start/continuation to my journey in a different direction?

When will I make a change?

What might be stopping me from making a change?

What can I do about that obstacle to turn it into a stepping stone?

I will continue to explore until I begin to see the path forward.
I will take one step at a time as long as I feel, through the promptings of the Spirit, that it is the right step to take in this circumstance at this time with the resources that are mine.

On your marks - Me… get set - Me… GROW!

The Drama Triangle

Steven Karpman (Transactional Analyst) devised a simple yet powerful diagram to help us understand our relationship with some people. He called it THE DRAMA TRIANGLE.
He suggests that we can frequently take on one of the roles of the Drama Triangle - if we are less aware!

We each have our favourite position that is our habit. We also slip into the other two positions. What is your favourite - see if you can identify it...

Persecutor
Rescuer
Victim

As a Persecutor I view the other (less consciously) as "Less Than I am" and persecute them - I see them as being "one-down".
As a Persecutor (Active or Passive) I ignore the dignity, value and uniqueness of the others in my life.

As a Rescuer I view myself (less consciously) as "More Than" the other/s. I offer/force on them "help" from my "one-up" position.
"I have to help you because you are not good enough/smart enough to help yourself".
As a Rescuer I ignore the ability of other people to think differently to me and to act on their own initiative and solve their own problems.

As a Victim I (less consciously) view myself (or allow other people to see me) in a "one-down" position.
Sometimes, as the Victim, I subtly seek or invite/allow a Persecutor to put me down and push me around.
Sometimes, as the Victim, I naively seek or invite/allow a Rescuer who will offer help and confirm my Victim beliefs:
"I can't cope on my own."
"You know more than I do."
"There is nothing I can do to get out of this."
As a Victim I ignore my own dignity, value and iniative - I see myself as someone worthy of no more than rejection and belittling. I see myself as in need of help in order to think straight, act, or make decisions.

I step into the Drama Triangle by taking on one of the roles and inviting others to take on a reciprocal role; or I am invited into the Drama Triangle by someone else who initiates the "DRAMA".

This happens without my, or usually your, awareness. We learnt our habitual roles in the homes of our childhood where they were one of the means of survival in our circumstances there, 'favourable' or 'unfavourable'.

I can know that I have stepped into A Drama Triangle by one or more of these five identifying factors:

1 Repetition: What is happening/is going to happen is repetitive. It has happened before and will follow the same pattern as before and next time. "Here I go again! Why do I/we keep doing this?!"

2 Two levels: One level is the apparent level: the social level - the "act". The other level is the psychological level - the "real" level. Two different levels of communication are going on at the same time. Mixed messages (mine and/or yours) are in abundance.

3 Feel bad: The end of the Drama, which may be short or long in duration, is that I, and sometimes/often, you, feel a familiar, unsatisfying, frustrating "bad" feeling.

4 The "Switch"/Surprise: The Drama Triangle always includes "the switch". This is a moment of confusion and surprise. At this point you have the sensation that something lousily unexpected has happened - again. Somehow, I and others have switched roles. "I was playing the Victim/Persecutor/Rescuer, now I am in another of the roles! What happened?!"

5 The problem is not solved - again!: It was not solved in the past. There is now another problem that is being added to our heap of previously unsolved problems.


There are REAL persecutors, rescuers and victims in the world. The Persecutors, Rescuers and Victims involved in The Drama Triangle are not real - they are taking on a role - they are like actors in a play, following a script, and finding that they are no different after the interactions than before the DRAMA.

Why do I enter The Drama Triangle? It is no fun. I do it because I unconsciously learnt how to do it to get what I needed when I was a child. It worked then. The problem is that I am no longer the 'child' in the home I was in as a child. I am now an 'adult' in my circumstances now. My out-dated strategies no longer are appropriate, nor problem solving, nor are they effective for me any more in my present day-to-day.

How do I "STOP" The Drama Triangle dynamics? As soon as I identify that I am in A Drama Triangle, again, either before the unpleasant Switch or after, I choose to step out. I refuse to carry on my part of the "act".

No pointing fingers "See what YOU are doing to me..."

I simply refuse to carry on playing whatever part I find myself playing.
I simply STOP. "I need to take a time-out and think..."
I simply look around me, listen and THINK.
I simply decide what I will, and will not do at this point of the unfolding conversation.
I simply do what I have decided to do.

If it all still messes up again,
I simply repeat the simple steps above.

I choose to be quiet and figure out how I can get really to my "real".
"If at first I don't succeed, I will try,try, try again, until I do."

I, as the Persecutor, may say something like "I've been grinding you again. I am sorry. I actually care about you. Give me a minute. I will be behaving more patiently and honestly from now on."

I, as the Rescuer may say something like "Here I go again, I'm trying to solve your problem for you. Give me a minute... What ideas have you had so far? How can I really help you?"

Just because someone ASKS for help (verbally or non-verbally), doesn't mean they actually DO need MY help.)

I, as the Victim (the Victim is the one with the greatest power to change the "play") may say something like "I have just realised that I feel like/am acting helpless. I am not. Let me get my brain and body out of 'neutral' and 'into gear', and THINK. I'll come back to you if I really am stuck and need your help. Thanks."

These are learnt, life-long patterns, and usually multi-generational. They are frequently, persistently resist to change.
Outwit, outlast and out-play your habitual self.
Many before you have done it. Many after you will do it too.
You can do it every day until new patterns form in your interactions - if you make up your mind to do it.

Every little bit of progress in stepping out of The Drama Triangles of your life will be a significant triumph.

"I am moving towards more real interactions with people."

"I am moving towards more real problem solving in my life."

"I am moving towards less 'feeling bad' that is unproductive." I may 'feel (productively) bad' now as I move into these new and unfamiliar patterns. This will pass with support from different people whose lives are more effective and problem-solving and peaceful, as I want mine to be.

"I am moving towards being more honestly and openly my whole self" - not operating on two levels any more in the same old, repetitive, frustrating and down-spirallingly agonising way.

"I am moving towards having less unpleasant "switches/surprises" in my life" - and towards knowing more often, and more gracefully, what to do.

"I am moving towards more understanding of what is actually happening" - in my interactions with the other people in my life. When I see the truth and understand it - I will be free to be my better 'me'".

With practice I can increasingly identify my own, and others', invitations into A Drama Triangle, and I can then choose to step out sooner.
I can THINK and identify the real needs (mine and others'), and find straight, honest and real ways to meet them.

I will be taking a risk.
I will have to put in effort to learn to do it.
I will have to think!
I will live more productively and consciously.
These dynamics are subtle sometimes.
I will ask for any help I need from those who REALLY can help me live less Dramatically and more productively every day.

Degrees of Discomfort

Choose one of these words, or other negative
upsetting, disturbing words to describe your feeling:

Discomfort, fear, obsession, addiction, horror,
urge, desire, anger, rage, fury, terror, misery.

Now breathe deeply. Require your mind and your feelings to move steadily and gradually from the higher to the lower numbers. Be gentle with yourself. Be in charge of yourself. Keep breathing deeply. Relax your body and face more and more.

Over time become better at moving your thoughts and feelings from higher to lower scores.

10 My ………….. is the worst it can possibly be. Intolerable! I am panicked!

9 My ………….. is very close to intolerable.

8 My ………….. is very severe.

7 My ………….. is severe.

6 My ………….. is very uncomfortable.

5 My ………….. is uncomfortable, but I can stand it.

4 My ………….. is noticable and bothersome but I can bear it...

3 I feel a degree of ………., but I am totally in control.

2 I'm rather calm, quite relaxed, with no ………….

1 I'm totally relaxed, perfectly calm.

Gradually train yourself to notice your pending anxiety earlier and stay close to the 1 - 5 range most of the time.

Acknowledgement: Dr James V Durlacher, Roger J Callaghan Ph.D
"Freedom from Fear Forever" p45

Difficult People

Difficult people are hostile, critical and manipulative. They try to intimidate you actively or passively. Although they are only three to five percent of the population, they create more than half of our everyday problems.

Certainly we can all be miserable, adversarial and pretty unpleasant at times.
Difficult People are this way virtually all of the time.
They go straight for the jugular.
Their only objective is to win, regardless of who stands in the way.
They don’t know any other way to be in relationship with another.

Understand where they are coming from: Generally these people are unhappy, insecure and have low self-esteem. Like all human beings, all they want is to be loved and accepted – although they actually push people away from them. Like all un-confident people, their insatiable need to feel worthwhile makes it necessary for them to win – and to win at all cost. It’s about survival for them.

CHECK: Is he/she one of the Difficult People of the world?
Is this behavioural pattern usual or unusual for this person?
The Difficult Person is this way most of the time.
Although hostile at first, the non-difficult person will eventually respond to effective communication and rational reasoning.
The Difficult Person will be relentless in their pursuit to win.
Are you also a Difficult Person?

Three coping strategies that might come in useful when dealing with a Difficult Person:

1. Remember: YOU will never change the Difficult Person. If they ever change it will be because they decide they need to change. Treat them compassionately, calmly and decently in the meantime. Learn how to choose your own respectable behaviour rather than re-act to their disrespectful, hurtful behaviour. Be a breath of “fresh, clean air” in his/her life.

2. Remain focused and firm. Like spiders spinning their web, the Difficult Person is trying to trap you. They want you to lose control and fight with them. When that happens they “gotcha”.
· Listen carefully to them. Concentrate. Think.
· Maintain direct, gentle-and-yet-firm eye contact.
· When appropriate, speak briefly in a mild, clear, steady voice.
· Remain detached-yet-connected, and moderate, particularly when they are heated.

3. Do not personalize the problem. Indeed this is easier said than done…
Between “I wish you would be different”, “I think I can really help you”,
and “I am trying to survive this emotional assault!” it’s difficult not to internalize the problem.
Yet, in order to cope effectively with a Difficult Person, it is crucial to maintain your self-esteem.

Some inner thoughts might be helpful to you in your attempt to survive and de-personalize:

“This is actually your problem. I won’t be helping you or me to make it mine.”
“I can’t allow you to dictate my behaviour yet again.”
“You want me to fight with you. I have learnt (need to learn) respectful ways to not allow it.”
“Your need to be difficult is a cover-up. You most probably feel onfused/inadequate/frightened.”
“I have the choice to participate in this effectively and safely, or to withdraw to think/recover, for now.”
“I wish I could help you be more secure and feel happier. I don’t have enough skill yet.”

Communicating with a Difficult Person is never easy and can be frustrating.
Be comforted in the fact that all people are challenged in dealing with them.
This is a time for “cool loving” or “warm coolth”.
Although it may not seem possible for you to deal with Difficult People effectively yet, remain brave, optimistic, confident and grateful for this opportunity to practice interacting with another kind of person.

You get to increase your knowledge and try your developing inter-personal and communication skills.

“What kind of world would this world be, if everyone in it learnt to deal with such as Thee?”

Engaging in an argument with a Difficult Person is a NO-WIN proposition.
Learn how to talk and behave your way into a two-or-more person WIN/WIN situation.

From: Keith Levick, PhD. Central Michegan University (alt) 4/06