The Drama Triangle

Steven Karpman (Transactional Analyst) devised a simple yet powerful diagram to help us understand our relationship with some people. He called it THE DRAMA TRIANGLE.
He suggests that we can frequently take on one of the roles of the Drama Triangle - if we are less aware!

We each have our favourite position that is our habit. We also slip into the other two positions. What is your favourite - see if you can identify it...

Persecutor
Rescuer
Victim

As a Persecutor I view the other (less consciously) as "Less Than I am" and persecute them - I see them as being "one-down".
As a Persecutor (Active or Passive) I ignore the dignity, value and uniqueness of the others in my life.

As a Rescuer I view myself (less consciously) as "More Than" the other/s. I offer/force on them "help" from my "one-up" position.
"I have to help you because you are not good enough/smart enough to help yourself".
As a Rescuer I ignore the ability of other people to think differently to me and to act on their own initiative and solve their own problems.

As a Victim I (less consciously) view myself (or allow other people to see me) in a "one-down" position.
Sometimes, as the Victim, I subtly seek or invite/allow a Persecutor to put me down and push me around.
Sometimes, as the Victim, I naively seek or invite/allow a Rescuer who will offer help and confirm my Victim beliefs:
"I can't cope on my own."
"You know more than I do."
"There is nothing I can do to get out of this."
As a Victim I ignore my own dignity, value and iniative - I see myself as someone worthy of no more than rejection and belittling. I see myself as in need of help in order to think straight, act, or make decisions.

I step into the Drama Triangle by taking on one of the roles and inviting others to take on a reciprocal role; or I am invited into the Drama Triangle by someone else who initiates the "DRAMA".

This happens without my, or usually your, awareness. We learnt our habitual roles in the homes of our childhood where they were one of the means of survival in our circumstances there, 'favourable' or 'unfavourable'.

I can know that I have stepped into A Drama Triangle by one or more of these five identifying factors:

1 Repetition: What is happening/is going to happen is repetitive. It has happened before and will follow the same pattern as before and next time. "Here I go again! Why do I/we keep doing this?!"

2 Two levels: One level is the apparent level: the social level - the "act". The other level is the psychological level - the "real" level. Two different levels of communication are going on at the same time. Mixed messages (mine and/or yours) are in abundance.

3 Feel bad: The end of the Drama, which may be short or long in duration, is that I, and sometimes/often, you, feel a familiar, unsatisfying, frustrating "bad" feeling.

4 The "Switch"/Surprise: The Drama Triangle always includes "the switch". This is a moment of confusion and surprise. At this point you have the sensation that something lousily unexpected has happened - again. Somehow, I and others have switched roles. "I was playing the Victim/Persecutor/Rescuer, now I am in another of the roles! What happened?!"

5 The problem is not solved - again!: It was not solved in the past. There is now another problem that is being added to our heap of previously unsolved problems.


There are REAL persecutors, rescuers and victims in the world. The Persecutors, Rescuers and Victims involved in The Drama Triangle are not real - they are taking on a role - they are like actors in a play, following a script, and finding that they are no different after the interactions than before the DRAMA.

Why do I enter The Drama Triangle? It is no fun. I do it because I unconsciously learnt how to do it to get what I needed when I was a child. It worked then. The problem is that I am no longer the 'child' in the home I was in as a child. I am now an 'adult' in my circumstances now. My out-dated strategies no longer are appropriate, nor problem solving, nor are they effective for me any more in my present day-to-day.

How do I "STOP" The Drama Triangle dynamics? As soon as I identify that I am in A Drama Triangle, again, either before the unpleasant Switch or after, I choose to step out. I refuse to carry on my part of the "act".

No pointing fingers "See what YOU are doing to me..."

I simply refuse to carry on playing whatever part I find myself playing.
I simply STOP. "I need to take a time-out and think..."
I simply look around me, listen and THINK.
I simply decide what I will, and will not do at this point of the unfolding conversation.
I simply do what I have decided to do.

If it all still messes up again,
I simply repeat the simple steps above.

I choose to be quiet and figure out how I can get really to my "real".
"If at first I don't succeed, I will try,try, try again, until I do."

I, as the Persecutor, may say something like "I've been grinding you again. I am sorry. I actually care about you. Give me a minute. I will be behaving more patiently and honestly from now on."

I, as the Rescuer may say something like "Here I go again, I'm trying to solve your problem for you. Give me a minute... What ideas have you had so far? How can I really help you?"

Just because someone ASKS for help (verbally or non-verbally), doesn't mean they actually DO need MY help.)

I, as the Victim (the Victim is the one with the greatest power to change the "play") may say something like "I have just realised that I feel like/am acting helpless. I am not. Let me get my brain and body out of 'neutral' and 'into gear', and THINK. I'll come back to you if I really am stuck and need your help. Thanks."

These are learnt, life-long patterns, and usually multi-generational. They are frequently, persistently resist to change.
Outwit, outlast and out-play your habitual self.
Many before you have done it. Many after you will do it too.
You can do it every day until new patterns form in your interactions - if you make up your mind to do it.

Every little bit of progress in stepping out of The Drama Triangles of your life will be a significant triumph.

"I am moving towards more real interactions with people."

"I am moving towards more real problem solving in my life."

"I am moving towards less 'feeling bad' that is unproductive." I may 'feel (productively) bad' now as I move into these new and unfamiliar patterns. This will pass with support from different people whose lives are more effective and problem-solving and peaceful, as I want mine to be.

"I am moving towards being more honestly and openly my whole self" - not operating on two levels any more in the same old, repetitive, frustrating and down-spirallingly agonising way.

"I am moving towards having less unpleasant "switches/surprises" in my life" - and towards knowing more often, and more gracefully, what to do.

"I am moving towards more understanding of what is actually happening" - in my interactions with the other people in my life. When I see the truth and understand it - I will be free to be my better 'me'".

With practice I can increasingly identify my own, and others', invitations into A Drama Triangle, and I can then choose to step out sooner.
I can THINK and identify the real needs (mine and others'), and find straight, honest and real ways to meet them.

I will be taking a risk.
I will have to put in effort to learn to do it.
I will have to think!
I will live more productively and consciously.
These dynamics are subtle sometimes.
I will ask for any help I need from those who REALLY can help me live less Dramatically and more productively every day.

Degrees of Discomfort

Choose one of these words, or other negative
upsetting, disturbing words to describe your feeling:

Discomfort, fear, obsession, addiction, horror,
urge, desire, anger, rage, fury, terror, misery.

Now breathe deeply. Require your mind and your feelings to move steadily and gradually from the higher to the lower numbers. Be gentle with yourself. Be in charge of yourself. Keep breathing deeply. Relax your body and face more and more.

Over time become better at moving your thoughts and feelings from higher to lower scores.

10 My ………….. is the worst it can possibly be. Intolerable! I am panicked!

9 My ………….. is very close to intolerable.

8 My ………….. is very severe.

7 My ………….. is severe.

6 My ………….. is very uncomfortable.

5 My ………….. is uncomfortable, but I can stand it.

4 My ………….. is noticable and bothersome but I can bear it...

3 I feel a degree of ………., but I am totally in control.

2 I'm rather calm, quite relaxed, with no ………….

1 I'm totally relaxed, perfectly calm.

Gradually train yourself to notice your pending anxiety earlier and stay close to the 1 - 5 range most of the time.

Acknowledgement: Dr James V Durlacher, Roger J Callaghan Ph.D
"Freedom from Fear Forever" p45

Difficult People

Difficult people are hostile, critical and manipulative. They try to intimidate you actively or passively. Although they are only three to five percent of the population, they create more than half of our everyday problems.

Certainly we can all be miserable, adversarial and pretty unpleasant at times.
Difficult People are this way virtually all of the time.
They go straight for the jugular.
Their only objective is to win, regardless of who stands in the way.
They don’t know any other way to be in relationship with another.

Understand where they are coming from: Generally these people are unhappy, insecure and have low self-esteem. Like all human beings, all they want is to be loved and accepted – although they actually push people away from them. Like all un-confident people, their insatiable need to feel worthwhile makes it necessary for them to win – and to win at all cost. It’s about survival for them.

CHECK: Is he/she one of the Difficult People of the world?
Is this behavioural pattern usual or unusual for this person?
The Difficult Person is this way most of the time.
Although hostile at first, the non-difficult person will eventually respond to effective communication and rational reasoning.
The Difficult Person will be relentless in their pursuit to win.
Are you also a Difficult Person?

Three coping strategies that might come in useful when dealing with a Difficult Person:

1. Remember: YOU will never change the Difficult Person. If they ever change it will be because they decide they need to change. Treat them compassionately, calmly and decently in the meantime. Learn how to choose your own respectable behaviour rather than re-act to their disrespectful, hurtful behaviour. Be a breath of “fresh, clean air” in his/her life.

2. Remain focused and firm. Like spiders spinning their web, the Difficult Person is trying to trap you. They want you to lose control and fight with them. When that happens they “gotcha”.
· Listen carefully to them. Concentrate. Think.
· Maintain direct, gentle-and-yet-firm eye contact.
· When appropriate, speak briefly in a mild, clear, steady voice.
· Remain detached-yet-connected, and moderate, particularly when they are heated.

3. Do not personalize the problem. Indeed this is easier said than done…
Between “I wish you would be different”, “I think I can really help you”,
and “I am trying to survive this emotional assault!” it’s difficult not to internalize the problem.
Yet, in order to cope effectively with a Difficult Person, it is crucial to maintain your self-esteem.

Some inner thoughts might be helpful to you in your attempt to survive and de-personalize:

“This is actually your problem. I won’t be helping you or me to make it mine.”
“I can’t allow you to dictate my behaviour yet again.”
“You want me to fight with you. I have learnt (need to learn) respectful ways to not allow it.”
“Your need to be difficult is a cover-up. You most probably feel onfused/inadequate/frightened.”
“I have the choice to participate in this effectively and safely, or to withdraw to think/recover, for now.”
“I wish I could help you be more secure and feel happier. I don’t have enough skill yet.”

Communicating with a Difficult Person is never easy and can be frustrating.
Be comforted in the fact that all people are challenged in dealing with them.
This is a time for “cool loving” or “warm coolth”.
Although it may not seem possible for you to deal with Difficult People effectively yet, remain brave, optimistic, confident and grateful for this opportunity to practice interacting with another kind of person.

You get to increase your knowledge and try your developing inter-personal and communication skills.

“What kind of world would this world be, if everyone in it learnt to deal with such as Thee?”

Engaging in an argument with a Difficult Person is a NO-WIN proposition.
Learn how to talk and behave your way into a two-or-more person WIN/WIN situation.

From: Keith Levick, PhD. Central Michegan University (alt) 4/06