Five Crucial Steps to Rebuilding Trust in Marriage

 

I’ll never forget the first time my wife told me…

I mentioned a hope I had for our shared future and she didn’t respond.

I pressed her on why she was quiet.

Finally, she said “I just don’t know if I can trust what you say anymore.”

My initial response was anger.  I couldn’t believe she would accuse me of being untrustworthy!  Needless to say, my anger was unhelpful.  

I quickly realized I had some changes to make - we had some changes to make.

 

Here are five crucial steps in rebuilding trust in your marriage:

 

OWN YOUR STUFF – 

We All Have Our Own Stuff To Deal With 

Not everything that’s wrong is your fault… but some of it is.

Discover the areas in which you still have more maturing to do.

Each time you brush aside your spouse’s claim that ‘something’s wrong,’ you reinforce that it’s true.  Identify one or two areas where you’re falling short.  Acknowledge them to your spouse - agreeing can bring some unity.

 

MAKE CHANGES – 

We All Need To Keep On Making Changes For The Better 

Choose some practical steps you can and will take towards Grow-ing Up.  Communicate when you’ve followed through on something you said you’d do.  It helps/reminds your spouse of the ways in which you actually are trustworthy.  Honestly, change can be annoying.  And messy.  Move beyond mere words.  Make some changes you need to make to be a better human being – easier to live with.

 

GET THE HELP YOU NEED – 

We All Need Sound Help At One Time Or Other

We all have poor ingrained habits.  Get the help you each need to see what needs changing in you. 

It could be from a wise family member, a good, courageous and honest friend, a mentor or a professional.   There are also many good courses, books and podcasts you can learn from. 

Develop a habit of learning and Grow-ing Up. 

(Get Rid Of (your) Weaknesses - Under Pressure.)

 

VALIDATE YOUR SPOUSE’S FEELINGS – 

And Your Own Feelings 

You probably don’t see yourself the way your spouse does.  That’s OK.  It doesn’t mean they are wrong and you are right.  Your spouse believes they are right, seeing things as they are.  Recognize your spouse’s pain, their hurt, their disappointment, their feeling betrayed.  Learn to identify and reflect their feelings.  (If they can’t also do it, do it for yourself as well.  Identify your own feelings.)

 

BE PATIENT WITH YOUR SPOUSE - 

And Also With Yourself 

Trust is often hard to gain, and easy to lose.  Rebuilding trust in yourself and another takes time… sometimes a lot of time.  Trust yourself.  Make progress.  For the rest of your life.  Remind yourself

“I’m becoming a better human, a better spouse, parent, sibling, and adult child of aging parents.”

“I’m a work in progress!  I’m better than I used to be… and I’m not as good as I will be in the future.”

“Grow old with me… our best is yet to be…”

 

From - Timothy Diehl (Joy magazine Feb/Mar 2023) adapted by Judy Bray.