Five Crucial Steps to Rebuilding Trust in Marriage

 

I’ll never forget the first time my wife told me…

I mentioned a hope I had for our shared future and she didn’t respond.

I pressed her on why she was quiet.

Finally, she said “I just don’t know if I can trust what you say anymore.”

My initial response was anger.  I couldn’t believe she would accuse me of being untrustworthy!  Needless to say, my anger was unhelpful.  

I quickly realized I had some changes to make - we had some changes to make.

 

Here are five crucial steps in rebuilding trust in your marriage:

 

OWN YOUR STUFF – 

We All Have Our Own Stuff To Deal With 

Not everything that’s wrong is your fault… but some of it is.

Discover the areas in which you still have more maturing to do.

Each time you brush aside your spouse’s claim that ‘something’s wrong,’ you reinforce that it’s true.  Identify one or two areas where you’re falling short.  Acknowledge them to your spouse - agreeing can bring some unity.

 

MAKE CHANGES – 

We All Need To Keep On Making Changes For The Better 

Choose some practical steps you can and will take towards Grow-ing Up.  Communicate when you’ve followed through on something you said you’d do.  It helps/reminds your spouse of the ways in which you actually are trustworthy.  Honestly, change can be annoying.  And messy.  Move beyond mere words.  Make some changes you need to make to be a better human being – easier to live with.

 

GET THE HELP YOU NEED – 

We All Need Sound Help At One Time Or Other

We all have poor ingrained habits.  Get the help you each need to see what needs changing in you. 

It could be from a wise family member, a good, courageous and honest friend, a mentor or a professional.   There are also many good courses, books and podcasts you can learn from. 

Develop a habit of learning and Grow-ing Up. 

(Get Rid Of (your) Weaknesses - Under Pressure.)

 

VALIDATE YOUR SPOUSE’S FEELINGS – 

And Your Own Feelings 

You probably don’t see yourself the way your spouse does.  That’s OK.  It doesn’t mean they are wrong and you are right.  Your spouse believes they are right, seeing things as they are.  Recognize your spouse’s pain, their hurt, their disappointment, their feeling betrayed.  Learn to identify and reflect their feelings.  (If they can’t also do it, do it for yourself as well.  Identify your own feelings.)

 

BE PATIENT WITH YOUR SPOUSE - 

And Also With Yourself 

Trust is often hard to gain, and easy to lose.  Rebuilding trust in yourself and another takes time… sometimes a lot of time.  Trust yourself.  Make progress.  For the rest of your life.  Remind yourself

“I’m becoming a better human, a better spouse, parent, sibling, and adult child of aging parents.”

“I’m a work in progress!  I’m better than I used to be… and I’m not as good as I will be in the future.”

“Grow old with me… our best is yet to be…”

 

From - Timothy Diehl (Joy magazine Feb/Mar 2023) adapted by Judy Bray.

Those Who Love Too Much

 

– (You wish, hope “they” or “something else” will change…)

Those who care, give, help too much… rescue, do, comfort, expect, speak too much.

 

Is having “someone to love/serve/rely on” or “a problem to solve” the most important thing to you?

Is loving/doing/helping/comforting harmful to or painful for YOU?  Are you often giving more than YOU can give?

 

Do you constantly believe that if YOU were loved/helped/rescued by “someone” YOU would no longer feel depressed/ lonely/frustrated/sad/angry/hurt/afraid/crazy/depressed?

 

Do you tend to be bored?   Do you find boring/pass over “nice folks” who are sensible, open, honest and dependable?

 

If loving or helping someone means YOU are continually in pain or shortchanged, this document may be useful.

Focus and change your patterns of thought and behaviour which have resulted in you being in pain –

You are among those precious, generous-hearted ones who developed the condition called “loving too much” –  

You give or rescue more than you have present capacity and skill, and reach “empty” “irrational” “depleted.”

Do you feel all, or several, of these listed below -

 

Do you obsess or fantasize (negatively or positively)?

Do you feel helpless as you recognize the real extent of your problems?

Are you too “nice?”  Do you lie to cover up and smooth over what is happening?

Do you avoid, or neglect, some of your primary people to hide your stress, abuse, pain or problems?

Have you repeatedly try to “fix it” – solve, direct, or control, the events, or people, around you?

Are you frequently frustrated, moody, sad, hurt, afraid, tearful, or out of control?

Are you frequently angry, depressed, guilty or resentful?

Do you catch yourself saying or being irrational, or desperate, or dramatic?

Do you sometimes feel tempted to be violent?  (DO you resort to bullying or violence sometimes?)

Do you feel spaced out?  Are you preoccupied?  Do you stumble as you walk, or have accidents?

Do you feel self-hate, or loathe yourself?  Do you FEEL defeated or outwitted?  ARE you defeated or outwitted?

Do you justify or excuse yourself, your intentions, and your periodic, or regular, irrational behavior?

Do you think you know the answers, you see the real picture, you can solve the problem?

Are you mentally or physically in pain or ill, due to your stressful circumstances?

 

 

Here are some RESEARCHED and TRUSTED aspects you might choose to work on - starting NOW:

 

Admit your pain and difficulty in controlling yourself.  YOU can’t control others around you either.

Cease blaming yourself, anyone else, or any circumstances, for your pain.  Change YOUR focus - for now.

Focus on healing and managing yourself.  Work primarily on YOUR OWN actions – for now.

Seek help from carefully selected professionals and peers - for YOUR support and gradual up-skilling over time.

Acknowledge all YOUR feelings – don’t avoid, don’t deny, don’t wallow.  Get the help YOU need.

Build a close and reliable circle of more mentally and relationally healthy mentors you can counsel with.

Develop your own skills, talents and interests 

– become more fully yourself, your smarter precious, unique self.

 

These steps below (to achieve the above) are simple.  They are not easy.  They are worthwhile. 

These steps will help you along to greater spiritual, mental, physical, vocational and relational balance and health.

These steps are all equally important.  They are listed in the most typically chronological order:

 

 1         Get the help you need - from trusted and wise professionals and peers.  Research “Mental Health.”

 2         Make your own recovery your first priority – for now.  Gain and regain sanity, balance, rationality.

 3         Find and create a support group of seasoned, safe, wise, gentle and non-judgmental people. 

 4         Develop your spiritual side through reasonable, frequent, meaningful, regular spiritual practice.

 5         Stop “managing” “controlling” or “helping” others – for now.  (Except for the safety of the frail or young)

 6         Learn to recognize and avoid “bait” offered to you by others – don’t get “hooked” – ‘swim’ away.

 7         Courageously face, and deal with, your unskilled-ness in this area and your challenges.  Be honest.

 8         Cultivate the knowledge and skills you need to develop in yourself – become more resource-full.

 9         Become “self-managing” – be responsible, most of the time, only for how you behave, wherever you are.

10         Share with others, what you wisely and reasonably can, of what you are experiencing and learning.

           

                  “Work every day on your own healing.”  “Mind your own business.” (Do your work.) 

                                 Strengthen others only as you are able to - without neglecting yourself.

                                “You can stay as you are for the rest of your life… or you can change…”

 

Adapted from - Robin Norwood 7/08

 

Super Powers

Let cooler solutions predominate

Create balance between the two powers neither of whom you want to antagonise

Use your economic and intellectual strength rather than military influence

The tensions between democracy and authoritarianism are likely to increase

Use your focus, teamwork and energy - work together

Loss of purpose and meaning are threatening

Democracy without values sinks into totalitarianism

Develop a peace of virtual equals - although roles may differ

Work at a balance not of power, for mutual benefit, peace, prosperity and security

Play a constructive role

Be a responsible stake-holder

Develop a new identity of political, cultural, economic co-operation

Look for more interconnectedness with other co-operative powers

Balance your competition impulse to dominate and your co-operation in order to prosper for the sake of your people and those who come after

Conflict

"Conflict cannot survive without your participation."
Wayne Dyer