Tears

You may cry if you want to, because my admiration for you cannot be erased by your tears. - M Maartens
Tears are the rivers of life, shed in joy as well as in sadness and fear. - Louise L Hay
You cry when you are able to cry. Dr Oswald CJ Hoffmann "Take Heart in your Grief"
God didn't goof when he gave us tear-ducts. Michael Ballam
Rent a sad movie - cry. - Oprah Winfrey

Conflict - Learn how to "Fight Fair"

Let go of your habitual unfair, undignified, unsuccessful fighting styles:

Swallowing your gripes, then dumping them all at once – this is called “kitchen-sink-ing” by some authors X

Playing Prosecutor or Interrogator or Persecutor X

Getting too intense X

Waving off, or dismissing as “not that big a deal”, the other’s grievances X

Trying to Win at all costs. Succeeding in winning is even more devastating X

Not letting your spouse know you love him/her X

Getting defensive. Withdrawing, crumbling, trying to defend yourself X

Getting aggressive. Being critical, fault-finding, hurtfully-jabbing, nasty, ridiculing, sarcastic, mocking, contemptuous, rude, disrespectful, unmannerly X

“Naming, blaming and/or shaming” of self or other X


“When someone is hostile, my instinct is to find out why.” – Cynthia Cooper
(When I am hostile, time to go searching inside me, past, present and future, for anger roots.)

“You can get away with bad fighting habits for only so long, once you are faced with a major crisis, if you haven’t developed good problem-solving skills, you’ll be at greater risk of troubles with your relationship.” - Sybil Carrere

“Often what you are arguing about on the surface isn’t really what the fight is about.”
- Sybil Carrere

“Although your anger feels real, it’s only temporary.” – Renee Bacher

“When you find yourself saying ‘Yes, but…’ it’s a sign that you’ve slammed your mind shut to what the other person has just said.” – Renee Bacher

“You have a choice every time you say something to each other. You can choose: to tear down your relationship or you can nurture it.” - Sybil Carrere

“Ask yourself ‘Would I talk to my best friend or my boss the way I am about to speak to my husband/wife?’ Then choose your words carefully.” - Sybil Carrere

Thank you: Cynthia Cooper, Sybil Carrere, Renee Bacher - RD - Oct 2003 p62, T - Dec 2002 p 51

Some Well Documented Better Strategies for : “Fighting Fair” - Managing your conflicts more effectively and problem-solvingly:

1. Talk, talk, talk. If the situation gets ugly or unfruitful, take a ‘time-out’. Do some ‘weeding’ of your own resentments and bitterness’s and other bad habits. Talk again – as soon as you both can. “It is better to debate an issue and not settle it than to settle an issue and not debate it”.

2. Try until you succeed. Accurately get to understanding your own, and the other’s, feelings, significance, and point of view. This may take years.

3. Be increasingly sensitive and honest about your own and the other’s feelings and hidden agendas – work gently and respectfully, respectably. Develop a genuine interest in your own and the other’s feelings and point of view.

4. Come clean. Your true cause and motive for your feud? Seek the other’s deep reasons for the conflict. “What am I/are you afraid of?” “What might be the fear?”

5. Ask yourself (and maybe the other) “Is this productive?” “Now?”

6. Stick to the point at hand. If you want to discuss other things, do it later.

7. Try something (anything!) different – get out of your ‘repetitive cycles’ and unproductive patterns “If you keep on doing what you have always done, you will keep on getting what you have always got”.

8. Stay connected. Get connected again, when you can, if your ‘connection’ has frayed. Introduce some positives, and make some ‘deposits’ into your relationship.

9. Find ways to nurture your relationship mid-dispute, creatively.

10. Let your spouse know by your big and small actions, between disputes, how much they are genuinely respected, cared about, listened to, loved.

11. After discussion, find Compromises that please you both – keep working toward compromises – however long it takes

12. Co-exist (“agree to disagree, agreeably”) for as long as you have to

13. Collaborate more and more – celebrate your differences. Make them work increasingly FOR you instead of AGAINST you – turn your defeats into victories. “Two heads are better than one.” “We are a magnificent team.”

14. Work towards WIN/WIN situations and let go of the lose/win and the win/lose. These are usually personal and relationship losses.

15. Keep conflict-avoidance to a minimum. Have regular, small, gentle clean-outs of ‘issues’. “How are you doing? Do we have anything to clear up?”

16. Promise yourself not to dismiss gripes “If this is important to you, it’s important to me too. I want to understand you and how this looks to you.”

17. Take a breather. Rephrase. What are you hearing? Work on your own approach. If you get stuck the same way, over and over, ask someone you trust and respect for some ideas. Keep searching until you find what works for you.

18. Cultivate your own problem-solving, mild, appropriate sense of humour.

19. Breathe deeply, regularly. Strong emotions need lots of oxygenated blood flowing to the body and brain-in-stress.

20. GROW UP – Get Rid Of (your own) Weaknesses - Under Pressure. (Steadily, forever.) Change yourself - you can't change anybody else.

FISH!

FISH! - Find the Best in Your Marriage...

1. CHOOSE YOUR ATTITUDE

When you go around looking for the worst, you find it everywhere.

When you realize you have the power to choose your attitude to what occurs in your marriage and your life, you can prepare for the worst, expect the best, and find opportunities you never imagined possible.

When you find yourself with an attitude that is not good, true and useful to you at any given moment, choose a new and improved, more appropriate one!

2. PLAY!

Work, made fun, gets done. Even serious work, done by choosing a lighthearted, spontaneous way, is more satisfying.

Play is not just an activity; it’s a state of mind (and being) that brings new energy to the tasks at your hand. Playfulness sparks creative solutions.


3. MAKE THEIR DAY

When you “Make someone’s day” (or moment) through a small kindness or unforgettable engagement with them, you can turn even routine encounters into special memories.

4. BE THERE

The glue of our humanity is in being fully present for one another. “Being" and "Being there” is a great way to practice wholeheartedness and fight burnout.

It is those half-hearted tasks you perform while juggling other things that wear you out.


Try the FISH! Philosophy – it will make a difference to your days too.

Adapted from the book "FISH!"
by Stephen C Lundin, John Christensen, and Harry Paul

How Do You Feel? S - Z

Sad
Safe
Sarcastic
Satisfied
Scared
Sceptical
Scorned
Secretive
Secure
Seductive
Selfish
Sensible
Sensitive
Sensual
Sentimental
Serene
Serious
Servile
Sexless
Sexual
Sexy
Shamed
Shameful
Shattered
Shocked
Shrewd
Shy
Significant
Silenced
Silent
Silly
Sleepy
Sly
Smart
Smiling
Smothered
Smothering
Sneaky
Sneering
Sociable
Solemn
Sorrowful
Sorry
Sparing
Special
Spirited
Spoilt
Stable
Stalked
Stalking
Startled
Stopped
Strained
Stretched
Stripped
Strong
Stubborn
Stumped
Stupid
Submissive
Successful
Superior
Supported
Suppressed
Surprised
Surprising
Surviving
Survivor
Suspicious
Sympathetic

Tactful
Talented
Targeted
Taunted
Taunting
Tearful
Tenacious
Tender
Tense
Terrified
Thankful
Thoughtful
Thrilled
Timid
Tired
Tireless
Tolerant
Tortured
Touched
Trapped
Traumatised
Trusted
Trusting
Trustworthy
Truthful
Turbulent
Turmoil
Tyranical

Unappreciated
Unapproachable
Unconventional
Underprivileged
Understood
Unequal
Unequalled
Unforgiven
Unforgiving
Unfulfilled
Ungracious
Unhappy
Unimportant
Unique
Unimportant
Unnoticed
Unsafe
Unsatisfied
Unsettled
Unstable
Untalented

Unyielding
Used
Useless

Waiting
Warm
Wasteful
Weak
Wicked
Wild
Willing
Wise
Wishy-washy
Wistful
Withdrawn
Woeful
Worried
Worthwhile

Yearning
Yielding
Young

Zany
Zealous

Go on! Try some of these words to describe how YOU are feeling! Vary your reflection of the feelings of the others around you. It's part of Emotional Intelligence. There's a good book written by Daniel Goleman called "Emotional Intelligence." I recommend it for a good read.

How do you Feel? O - R

Obstinate
Old
Open
Optimistic
Original
Out of my own control
Overloaded
Overwhelmed

Particular
Passionate
Patient
Peaceful
Peculiar
Peeved
Pensive
Persevering
Persecuted
Persistent
Pessimistic
Philosophical
Platonic
Playful
Poisonous
Polite
Poor
Possessed
Possessive
Potent
Powerful
Prejudiced
Precious
Prickly
Prisoner
Privileged
Private
Progressive
Prominent
Protected
Protective
Proud
Pure
Purposeful
Purposeless
Puzzled

Radiant
Rage
Reassured
Rebellious
Redundant
Regretful
Rejected
Resolute
Resolved
Resourceful
Responsive
Restrained
Restricted
Respected
Respectable
Respectful
Ridiculed
Ridiculous
Ripped off
Rotten
Ruffled
Ruthless

More labels for feelings for you to identify in yourself and practice reflecting to the others in your life...

How Do You Feel? J - N

Jaded
Jealous
Jovial
Joyful
Just
Justified

Kind
Knowing

Lazy
Levelheaded
Liberated
Light headed
Limited
Linked
Lonely
Lost
Loving
Loyal
Longing
Loved
Lucky
Lustful
Lusted after

Mad
Malicious
Malignant
Manipulating
Manipulative
Masculine
Masterly
Melencholy
Mentally ill
Mild
Mischievous
Miserable
Misleading
Misled
Misunderstood
Mistreated
Mocked
Mocking
Moderate
Mopey
Motherly
Mournful
Mourning
Muddled
Mundane

Naïve
Naked
Nasty
Naughty
Negative
Neglected
Nervous
Nonplussed
Noticed
Nourished
Nourishing
Nurturing
Numb

When last do you feel any of these feelings?
When last did you tell someone how you were feeling?

How Do You Feel? G - J

Generous
Genial
Gentle
Genuine
Glum
Gracious
Grateful
Grave
Greedy
Gregarious
Grieved
Grieving
Groaning
Growing
Guilty
Gullible
Gutless
Gutsy


Harassed
Harried
Hard headed
Hard hearted
Hated
Hateful
Haunted
Heartbroken
Helpless
Holy
Honest
Honourable
Honoured
Hopeful
Hopeless
Horrible
Horrified
Hostile
Humble
Humbled
Humerous
Humiliated
Hurt
Happy
Honest
Humble
Hurried


Inadequate
Ignorant
Ignored
Immature
Important
Impressed
Impressive
Imprisoned
Inadequate
Incapable
Inconspicuous
Indecicive
Independent
Indignant
Inferior
Influential
Inquisitive
Insecure
Insignificant
Insistent
Intelligent
Intense
Interested
Interesting
Intimate
Intimidated
Intollerant
Intuitive
Inviting
Irritable
Irritated
Irritating


Jaded
Jealous
Jovial
Joyful
Just
Justified

Can you recognise how others look and sound when they feel some of these feelings?
Are you aware how YOU look and sound when you feel any of these feelings?