How do you Feel? O - R

Obstinate
Old
Open
Optimistic
Original
Out of my own control
Overloaded
Overwhelmed

Particular
Passionate
Patient
Peaceful
Peculiar
Peeved
Pensive
Persevering
Persecuted
Persistent
Pessimistic
Philosophical
Platonic
Playful
Poisonous
Polite
Poor
Possessed
Possessive
Potent
Powerful
Prejudiced
Precious
Prickly
Prisoner
Privileged
Private
Progressive
Prominent
Protected
Protective
Proud
Pure
Purposeful
Purposeless
Puzzled

Radiant
Rage
Reassured
Rebellious
Redundant
Regretful
Rejected
Resolute
Resolved
Resourceful
Responsive
Restrained
Restricted
Respected
Respectable
Respectful
Ridiculed
Ridiculous
Ripped off
Rotten
Ruffled
Ruthless

More labels for feelings for you to identify in yourself and practice reflecting to the others in your life...

How Do You Feel? J - N

Jaded
Jealous
Jovial
Joyful
Just
Justified

Kind
Knowing

Lazy
Levelheaded
Liberated
Light headed
Limited
Linked
Lonely
Lost
Loving
Loyal
Longing
Loved
Lucky
Lustful
Lusted after

Mad
Malicious
Malignant
Manipulating
Manipulative
Masculine
Masterly
Melencholy
Mentally ill
Mild
Mischievous
Miserable
Misleading
Misled
Misunderstood
Mistreated
Mocked
Mocking
Moderate
Mopey
Motherly
Mournful
Mourning
Muddled
Mundane

Naïve
Naked
Nasty
Naughty
Negative
Neglected
Nervous
Nonplussed
Noticed
Nourished
Nourishing
Nurturing
Numb

When last do you feel any of these feelings?
When last did you tell someone how you were feeling?

How Do You Feel? G - J

Generous
Genial
Gentle
Genuine
Glum
Gracious
Grateful
Grave
Greedy
Gregarious
Grieved
Grieving
Groaning
Growing
Guilty
Gullible
Gutless
Gutsy


Harassed
Harried
Hard headed
Hard hearted
Hated
Hateful
Haunted
Heartbroken
Helpless
Holy
Honest
Honourable
Honoured
Hopeful
Hopeless
Horrible
Horrified
Hostile
Humble
Humbled
Humerous
Humiliated
Hurt
Happy
Honest
Humble
Hurried


Inadequate
Ignorant
Ignored
Immature
Important
Impressed
Impressive
Imprisoned
Inadequate
Incapable
Inconspicuous
Indecicive
Independent
Indignant
Inferior
Influential
Inquisitive
Insecure
Insignificant
Insistent
Intelligent
Intense
Interested
Interesting
Intimate
Intimidated
Intollerant
Intuitive
Inviting
Irritable
Irritated
Irritating


Jaded
Jealous
Jovial
Joyful
Just
Justified

Can you recognise how others look and sound when they feel some of these feelings?
Are you aware how YOU look and sound when you feel any of these feelings?

How Do You Feel? D - F

Dammed
Damned
Dangerous
Daring
Dead
Deceived
Deceitful
Decent
Decisive
Defenceless
Defensive
Delighted
Delightful
Dependant
Depressed
Desparate
Determined
Devastated
Devoted
Different
Difficult
Diplomatic
Dirty
Disappointed
Disconnected
Discouraged
Discriminated against
Disgusted
Disillusioned
Dismayed
Disobedient
Distracted
Disturbed
Dominant
Dominated
Doubtful
Dour
Dreamy
Dumb
Dutiful
Dying


Eager
Earnest
Ecstatic
Endangered
Engraciated
Engraciating
Enticing
Envious
Equal
Esteemed
Excitable
Excited
Exhausted
Expectant
Exploited
Exposed
Extravagant
Exuberant
Evil


Fair
Fainthearted
Faithful
Fake
Fascinated
Fascinating
Fastidious
Favoured
Fearful
Feminine
Fierce
Fighting mood
Firm
Flippant
Flirting
Forgetful
Forgiving
Forgiven
Forgotten
Foolish
Fragile
Frank
Frantic
Fraudulent
Frazzled
Freakish
Free
Friendly
Frightened
Frightening
Frustrated
Frustrating
Fulfilled
Funny
Fussy

Increase your vocabulary of words to define feelings.

Learn to notice what you are feeling.
Learn to express appropriately what what you are feeling.
Learn to identify when others have strong feelings - expressed or not.
Learn to reflect other's feelings accurately.

How DO you Feel? A - C

Increase your Emotional Intelligence and vocabulary of feeling descriptions:
Do you recognise when YOU feel:
Do you recognise when your spouse feels:

Able
Abused
Accepted
Accepting
Accomodating
Adequate
Admired
Admiring
Adored
Adoring
Adult
Adventurous
Affectionate
Afraid
Aggressive
Agony
Aimless
Airy Fairy
Alert
Alive
Aloof
Alluring
Amazed
Ambitious
Ambivilent
Amused
Angry
Annoyed
Anticipating
Anxious
Apathetic
Apologetic
Appreciated
Appreciative
Approachable
Argumentative
Ashamed
Assertive
Assisted
Attentive
Attracted
Attractive
Autonomous
Aware

Baffled
Balanced
Baleful
Bashful
Beaten
Begging
Betrayed
Bewildered
Bitter
Blessed
Boasting
Bold
Bombarded
Bored
Boring
Broken hearted
Brooding
Busy

Calm
Calculating
Candid
Capable
"Carbon Copy"
Carefree
Careless
Caring
Caustic
Cautious
Challenged
Cheated
Cheerful
Childish
Childlike
Churned up
Clean
Clear
Clever
Comfortable
Comforted
Committed
Competent
Complaining
Complaicant
Compliant
Conceited
Concientious
Concerned
Condescending
Condescended to
Confident
Confined
Conflicted
Confused
Connected
Consecrated
Conservative
Consientious
Consistent
Conspicuous
Content
Content
Contrite
Controlled
Cowardly
Coy
Cranky
Crazy
Creative
Crippled
Critical
Criticized
Cross
Cruel
Curious
Curt
Curtailed
Cut off
Cynical

Learn to recognise these in yourself and your spouse.

Learn to say "You look/sound ....."
"I am ......"
"I am wondering if you feel ....."

More feeling words to come - there are lots!

Exploratory Questions

Here are some exploratory questions for you to ask yourself that might just jump-start you to see your way forward in your own life:


Choose any issue in your own life that you would like to explore

Who are all of the other people involved in this issue?

What other areas of my life are affected by this issue?

What developmental stages am I going through now in my life?

What developmental stages are the other people involved with this issue experiencing?

What about this issue might be dangerous/hazardous… to me/other(s)…
in what ways?

Who believes what about this issue?
What do I believe?
What do the other(s) believe?

Examine each of the beliefs:
which are good and true and useful?
To whom?

Which of these beliefs (my own/other(s)) are stereotypes…
which are assumptions?

How is the way I am dealing with the situation helping ME?
(I am always helped in some way or other by the way I deal with things)

Who else is helped by the way I am dealing with the situation?

How is the way I am dealing with this issue hindering ME?
(I am always hindered in some way or other by the way I deal with things)

Who else is hindered, and in what way, by the way I am dealing with this issue?

In what way may the “helping” not be helpful?

In what way may the “hindering” not be hindering?

What other alternatives have I tried?
With what results?
For whom?

Do I persist with methods that do not work for me/other(s)?
Why?

The more I … (fill in the blank) the more… (fill in the blank).

The less I… the less…

The more I... the less...

The less I... the more...

What are the effects of the way I am handling things?
On me?
On other(s)?

How are these consequences what I want?

How are they what I do not want?

Are they useful to anyone?
Is this what I want?

What would I be busy with right now if I weren’t dealing with this issue?

What is the positive in this situation?
(There is always something positive – not always desirable to me and/or others).

What is the negative in the situation?
(There is always something negative – also not always desirable to me/others).

How can I turn my less effective words/actions/thoughts into more effective ones?

What am I gaining by holding my position on this issue?

What am I losing by maintaining my position on this issue?

These are three choices:
1. I can carry on in the same way
2. I can do/think/say something different/differently
3. I can find out and deal with the underlying issues

Which alternative will I/do I choose?
Why?

Will this change be a change towards/away from more effective living?
Why?

Can I do it on my own?
Do I need help?
Who might be able to help me?

How will I go about getting help (if I need it)?

Where do I see a start/continuation to my journey in a different direction?

When will I make a change?

What might be stopping me from making a change?

What can I do about that obstacle to turn it into a stepping stone?

I will continue to explore until I begin to see the path forward.
I will take one step at a time as long as I feel, through the promptings of the Spirit, that it is the right step to take in this circumstance at this time with the resources that are mine.

On your marks - Me… get set - Me… GROW!

The Drama Triangle

Steven Karpman (Transactional Analyst) devised a simple yet powerful diagram to help us understand our relationship with some people. He called it THE DRAMA TRIANGLE.
He suggests that we can frequently take on one of the roles of the Drama Triangle - if we are less aware!

We each have our favourite position that is our habit. We also slip into the other two positions. What is your favourite - see if you can identify it...

Persecutor
Rescuer
Victim

As a Persecutor I view the other (less consciously) as "Less Than I am" and persecute them - I see them as being "one-down".
As a Persecutor (Active or Passive) I ignore the dignity, value and uniqueness of the others in my life.

As a Rescuer I view myself (less consciously) as "More Than" the other/s. I offer/force on them "help" from my "one-up" position.
"I have to help you because you are not good enough/smart enough to help yourself".
As a Rescuer I ignore the ability of other people to think differently to me and to act on their own initiative and solve their own problems.

As a Victim I (less consciously) view myself (or allow other people to see me) in a "one-down" position.
Sometimes, as the Victim, I subtly seek or invite/allow a Persecutor to put me down and push me around.
Sometimes, as the Victim, I naively seek or invite/allow a Rescuer who will offer help and confirm my Victim beliefs:
"I can't cope on my own."
"You know more than I do."
"There is nothing I can do to get out of this."
As a Victim I ignore my own dignity, value and iniative - I see myself as someone worthy of no more than rejection and belittling. I see myself as in need of help in order to think straight, act, or make decisions.

I step into the Drama Triangle by taking on one of the roles and inviting others to take on a reciprocal role; or I am invited into the Drama Triangle by someone else who initiates the "DRAMA".

This happens without my, or usually your, awareness. We learnt our habitual roles in the homes of our childhood where they were one of the means of survival in our circumstances there, 'favourable' or 'unfavourable'.

I can know that I have stepped into A Drama Triangle by one or more of these five identifying factors:

1 Repetition: What is happening/is going to happen is repetitive. It has happened before and will follow the same pattern as before and next time. "Here I go again! Why do I/we keep doing this?!"

2 Two levels: One level is the apparent level: the social level - the "act". The other level is the psychological level - the "real" level. Two different levels of communication are going on at the same time. Mixed messages (mine and/or yours) are in abundance.

3 Feel bad: The end of the Drama, which may be short or long in duration, is that I, and sometimes/often, you, feel a familiar, unsatisfying, frustrating "bad" feeling.

4 The "Switch"/Surprise: The Drama Triangle always includes "the switch". This is a moment of confusion and surprise. At this point you have the sensation that something lousily unexpected has happened - again. Somehow, I and others have switched roles. "I was playing the Victim/Persecutor/Rescuer, now I am in another of the roles! What happened?!"

5 The problem is not solved - again!: It was not solved in the past. There is now another problem that is being added to our heap of previously unsolved problems.


There are REAL persecutors, rescuers and victims in the world. The Persecutors, Rescuers and Victims involved in The Drama Triangle are not real - they are taking on a role - they are like actors in a play, following a script, and finding that they are no different after the interactions than before the DRAMA.

Why do I enter The Drama Triangle? It is no fun. I do it because I unconsciously learnt how to do it to get what I needed when I was a child. It worked then. The problem is that I am no longer the 'child' in the home I was in as a child. I am now an 'adult' in my circumstances now. My out-dated strategies no longer are appropriate, nor problem solving, nor are they effective for me any more in my present day-to-day.

How do I "STOP" The Drama Triangle dynamics? As soon as I identify that I am in A Drama Triangle, again, either before the unpleasant Switch or after, I choose to step out. I refuse to carry on my part of the "act".

No pointing fingers "See what YOU are doing to me..."

I simply refuse to carry on playing whatever part I find myself playing.
I simply STOP. "I need to take a time-out and think..."
I simply look around me, listen and THINK.
I simply decide what I will, and will not do at this point of the unfolding conversation.
I simply do what I have decided to do.

If it all still messes up again,
I simply repeat the simple steps above.

I choose to be quiet and figure out how I can get really to my "real".
"If at first I don't succeed, I will try,try, try again, until I do."

I, as the Persecutor, may say something like "I've been grinding you again. I am sorry. I actually care about you. Give me a minute. I will be behaving more patiently and honestly from now on."

I, as the Rescuer may say something like "Here I go again, I'm trying to solve your problem for you. Give me a minute... What ideas have you had so far? How can I really help you?"

Just because someone ASKS for help (verbally or non-verbally), doesn't mean they actually DO need MY help.)

I, as the Victim (the Victim is the one with the greatest power to change the "play") may say something like "I have just realised that I feel like/am acting helpless. I am not. Let me get my brain and body out of 'neutral' and 'into gear', and THINK. I'll come back to you if I really am stuck and need your help. Thanks."

These are learnt, life-long patterns, and usually multi-generational. They are frequently, persistently resist to change.
Outwit, outlast and out-play your habitual self.
Many before you have done it. Many after you will do it too.
You can do it every day until new patterns form in your interactions - if you make up your mind to do it.

Every little bit of progress in stepping out of The Drama Triangles of your life will be a significant triumph.

"I am moving towards more real interactions with people."

"I am moving towards more real problem solving in my life."

"I am moving towards less 'feeling bad' that is unproductive." I may 'feel (productively) bad' now as I move into these new and unfamiliar patterns. This will pass with support from different people whose lives are more effective and problem-solving and peaceful, as I want mine to be.

"I am moving towards being more honestly and openly my whole self" - not operating on two levels any more in the same old, repetitive, frustrating and down-spirallingly agonising way.

"I am moving towards having less unpleasant "switches/surprises" in my life" - and towards knowing more often, and more gracefully, what to do.

"I am moving towards more understanding of what is actually happening" - in my interactions with the other people in my life. When I see the truth and understand it - I will be free to be my better 'me'".

With practice I can increasingly identify my own, and others', invitations into A Drama Triangle, and I can then choose to step out sooner.
I can THINK and identify the real needs (mine and others'), and find straight, honest and real ways to meet them.

I will be taking a risk.
I will have to put in effort to learn to do it.
I will have to think!
I will live more productively and consciously.
These dynamics are subtle sometimes.
I will ask for any help I need from those who REALLY can help me live less Dramatically and more productively every day.