Vengeance

"Vengeance is a lazy form of grief.
Words of compassion are better than a gun - even if it is slower."
Movie - "The Interpreter"

Persuade, Negotiate, Argue

Persuading, Negotiating and Arguing are valuable skills to develop.
Discover and practice how to use these important skills effectively.
If we are going to need to use these tough skills, and we all have to on occasion when critical conversations take place, we might as well be deft and graciously as successful as possible in facilitating what needs to be done for the best of all the people involved!

A good book: "Getting to Yes" Roger Fisher and William L Ury

Sponge People

Your'e talking to someone and suddenly you feel tense, angry, sad.
Why is that? you wonder.

Your'e spongy. Some people put out a lot of emotional energy, and spongy people suck it up.

Not everyone is spongy.

Those of us who are, can learn to protect ourselves from taking in any other person's negative and harmful stress.

Here's how to construct your suit of psychological armour.

Remember - ARMOUR UP.

A
ACKNOWLEDGE
When you feel uneasy in any company, acknowledge it to yourself.
Learn to know when you feel uneasy, especially with the same people time after time.

R
RECOGNISE
Learn to realise when YOUR feeling actually fits THE PERSON you are talking to.
YOU'RE angry when SHE has been wronged.
YOU are anxious when HE is stressed.

M
MONITOR yourself.
Monitor how you feel when in the company of different kinds of people.
Monitor how you feel before contact, during contact and after contact with various people.

O
OBSERVE
As a highly contagious person gets closer to you, watch them and also yourself.
See what happens - to you and to them.
Are THEY sending out their negativity towards YOU?
Do they often send out subtle or obvious negativity to whoever is around them?

U
UNDERSTAND
Few contagious people are deliberately trying to contaminate you.
The way they are "put together" frees you to tap into your compassion for them.

R
RELAX
If simply noticing all the extra sensations rattling around you and inside you isn't enough…
Take a deep breath.
Exhale.
Relax all your muscles.
Negative Energy (yours, and also theirs) will lessen - if only a little at first.

SPACE

Create physical space and distance as soon as possible from emotionally contagious people.
Walk away - graciously.
Take a loo break.
When you are away: Breathe deeply. Relax.
THINK. VISUALISE the best DAY, the best PLACE, the HARMONY you want with them…
Go to your place of Inner Peace.
Meditate.
Pray.
Be still.
Regain your own composure.

U
UNHOOK
from the toxicity between you and any other person.
Stop trying to change/control anything of what they are feeling.
Allow the other person to be exactly as they are right now.
Don't get pulled down into their problems.

P
PROTECT yourself.
Return to your visualisations that connect you to your peaceful core self.
Spend a few minutes a day visualising the confidence, peace and harmony you want in your relationship with them.

The only use you will be to them, and the only way to survive in relationship with them is… Armour Up.

If you are spongy and vulnerable to the unsettling energy of others, count yourself lucky because you now know you need to ARMOUR UP.

Create your own beautiful, protective, shining suit of Armour.

Consciously screen out the stresses that afflict you and all the rest of humanity.
Be with, but not of, them...

Remember your ARMOUR UP list.

Head out into your daily interactions with your fellow men, effectively clad.

The power to keep yourself safe from any contaminations from others has to be developed by you, for yourself.

From: Martha Beck - O 08/06 p31

Contract Marriage or Covenant Marriage?

"When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away.... But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and the wife work them through."

Want to know more?

Go to http://www.lds.org/ click on "Gospel Library" then "Magazines" then "Ensign" then "Past Issues" then "1996" then "November 1996" then scroll through for "Covenant Marriage" by Elder Bruce C Hafen.

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: and God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be attempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."
I Corinthians 10:13
and read some verses further too.

"Where there is a problem, there is a solution!"
Choose a God-inspired solution.

Holy

"To be holy in an unholy society is more of a challenge than to escape into the mountains and meditate and be spiritual."
To be spiritual in a physical and material world - that's the challenge we aspire to all the time."
"We don't take ourselves too seriously - which is perhaps a characteristic of humility."
Rabbi Yossi Goldman

Helplessness

"Helplessness is actually a place of power when we ask God for help."
"Better to have help that is imperfect than no help at all."
Joyce Meyer

Calm Down

"Calm down... drain the drama... step up... straighten up... do it right."
Dr Phil

Cultivate

"Raising children through life's challenges can put a strain on marriages. Fathers and mothers will need to make a conscious effort to continue cultivating their marriage relationship.
Fostering love requires fathers and mothers to actively express their love for each other every day. Such expressions - honestly given and done in ways that appropriately communicate the message of love that each person needs, whether that be through physical contact, a smile, service, or other means - unify companionships by increasing and sustaining the feelings of mutual affection and appreciation."
Mark T Hales
Ensign August 2010 p 19

Warning Signs

If your spouse is jealous, makes decisions quickly and wants to sweep you along too and is intense... be alert. These are warning signs. You might want to consult with someone wise sooner rather than later - you may be in danger.
Manage the risk you are exposed to every day.
These dynamics in either spouse are better identified and managed early.
It is possible to live meaningfully with jealous, controlling and intense people - you just need a particular level of watchfulness, understanding and skill.
Find out more!
We are all children of God.
We are here to be blessed and to bless each other.

Conflict

"Conflict cannot survive without your participation."
Wayne Dyer

Miracles

"Live to see the miracles of faith and repentance."
Elder Jeffry R Holland
Remember Lot's Wife - BYU devotional 13 January 2009

Learn...

"The more you understand, the less dangerous the risk becomes."
Austin Stevens - South African Snake man.

Be realistic and learn about marriage and your own marriage.

Solid Relationship

"You can make this relationship solid if you require things of yourself."
"It's time to take a deep breath and calm down."
"Put yourself at the top of your 'to-do' list."
"You are living... you need to do that with respect and gratitude."
Dr Phil

A Lot of Love

Said one man under suspicion "I have a lot of love to give."
Said the police officer to him "You have a lot of love to take."
Food for thought as we give and receive love in our marriages.
"Am I really a giver of love... or am I actually giving to receive, is my intention to take..."

The First Day of the Next Phase

"You can never get to the first day of the next phase of your marriage until you you have got to the last day of the previous phase of your marriage."
Dr Phil

Negotiating

"You'll be able to get a lot more by negotiating than you will get by being defiant (or bullying, or passive)."
Dr Phil

Marriage ... Strange Thing...

"Dream...
There are different ways to your destiny.
You will experience Yearning... a terrible Yearning for Something.
Go to the top of each hill along the way... look at where you have been.
These mountains you have had to climb - part of you has been blotted out.
That (inner) Child knows it no longer has to climb those mountains any more.
There has been unutterable loneliness at times.
We have walked through that. We have made our lives into what we can accept as contentment and attainment.
There is marriage... and what a strange thing that can turn out to be...
Every day you had to make a little adapting.
For many people marriage is not a joy.
It can be infinitely painful.
Some days there is concrete going through your brain.
The Little Child (inside you) is growing steadily.
Talent, creativity, originality - show it.
Together we can achieve what you dreamed of.
Hope.
Dream.
Have faith.
Take these along with you.
Every day is filled with infinite possibilities.
"I am entitled to peace and achieving happiness."
Every step is going to take you onwards and upwards - taking your (inner) Child, Teen and Young Adult with you.
Put into your life, every day, an appreciation of being alive.
Value what you take for granted.
Here's to it...
This is it!"
Source unrecorded - Professor Jonathan Jansen I think.

Financial Conversations

Begin, or continue, your financial conversations...

See in the Labels column of Marriage Preparation Blog:
"Financial Conversation" http://www.marriagepreparations.blogspot.com/

Marriage is...

"Real marriage is about the shattering of assumptions."
Source not noted

Today

"We may never have tomorrow, but we have today.
If you feel like dancing, now's the time to dance.
If we don't pay atention now, this will become a pressing family matter.
One fine day you're going to want me for your girl (boy).
What would I do if I lost you?
There is no shame in being frightened.
The prize of freedom requires the price of sacrifice.
If I don't stand up to this unabashed bullying...
Let us try not to start a war.
War is hell. But I'm floating on clouds...
They're lucky to have a (mother/father/husband/wife/brother/sister/daughter/son) like me.
This is not over - in fact this has just not even begun.
This needs doing.
There are 1000 reasons why this won't work, but we are going to DO this!
Let's DO what WE can.
I can do difficult things.
I feel so calm.
I can be so arrogant, so insensitive. And yet also, so wonderful.
I am sorry.
It is so hard to trust when it has been so long since you were able to trust.
Let's learn the lesson of letting go.
The lesson I didn't want to learn was the lesson of letting go.
Be strong. Be true. Be free.
True light comes from above.
I'm never alone.
Have fun.
I like to think I am making a difference in the world - in my little part of the world."
Source not noted.

Genuine Committment

"...genuine commitment gives one's life focus and direction, inspiring great courage and selflessness."
Roger B Porter "Expressions of Faith" p 25

Genius

"It takes little genius to identify weaknesses in life... Focus on strengths."
"Show up. Hang in there.
Make a decision. Keep your promises.
Be an intentional family.
Work at your family life.
Love. Appreciate specifically.
Commit. Keep your committment.
Grow your appreciation.
Be. Together.
Make parental dates.
Show love. Say it.
Be affectionate.
Respond (warmly) to affection.
Take time for each other.
Spend time together.
Parent your children.
The rich and the poor have the same amount of time.
Quality Time comes out of Quantity Time.
Attend school and hobby activities.
Eat together as a family."

- Real Families, Real Answers. www.realfamiliesrealanswers.org
See link added to side bar.

Regret

"Regret can burn a hole through any happiness."
'Everwood' TV series

Afghanistan

"(Survivors become) professional chameleons in a way."
"We are not going to turn Afghanistan into Switzerland overnight."
General Petreaus - Central Command US Military Forces

"You're Not What I Expected"

Some excerpts from the book "You're Not What I Expected" written by Polly Young-Elsendrath:

"If you want to understand, and not silence and inhibit another person, in order to befriend that person, we have to allow that person's claims and statements to overtake our prejudice.

"Intimacy is an achievement of hard work and understanding another from that person's point of view, while maintaining one's own.

"The darkness of illusionment follows the joys of early friendship and romance.

"A mature form of dependence is the ideal outcome of healthy development.

"Anger - a signal that an injustice or an unfairness has been (perceived to be) done.

"Aggression - an impulse to hurt, destroy or diminish.

"Rage - (hot or cold) - is fury and violence that is purely and simply destructive.

"We need to be especially conscious that we do not wound in ways we were wounded.

"Most of the time, expressing anger makes people angrier, solidifies an angry attitude, and establishes a hostile habit. If you keep quiet about momentary irritations and distract yourself with pleasant activity until your fury simmers down, chances are you will feel better, and feel better faster, than if you let yourself go in a shouting match.

"The impulsive expression of aggressive, hateful feelings is never good for increasing intimacy.

"In the gap between the imagined and the actual, people grow."

In Your Heart

"No matter what's in your heart, people only see how you behave. God can see our heart... the world can only see how we behave."

I didn't write down where I got this from.

In marriage loving behaviour is so important!

And also... our own cleansing of our 'inner vessel' (thoughts and feelings) needs constantly to be happening... otherwise one day our uncleansed (putrid and toxic) 'inner vessel' WILL explode out, and frequently when we least want it to... This massive explosion does a huge lot of damage in our relationship. It can cancel out the good behaviour we have 'put on' over days and months and years.

(To the degree your spouse is a SAINT they can and will choose to look and live past less and less frequent and less and less intense toxic explosions - Good and Godly people know how to forgive. BECOME one of the increasingly Good and Godly ones in your relationship with your spouse. Thank God every day if you are married to a Good and Godly person of any degree. Encourage their growth in these respects. Nurture your own growth in Goodness and Godliness.)

The effect of an explosion will be very hard to repair in the relationship unless constant progress has been seen and experienced by your spouse in their daily relationship with you. If they are not growing themselves... life will be lonely and painful for you, and also for your spouse, whether you formally, or informally, divorce.

Learn personal skills, and nurturing, cultivating-the-growth-of-another, skills. Force of any shade, shape or form will definitely not work.
Learn to want to know how to be peacefully and successfully married - there are laws that govern peaceful and harmonious living.
Prevention is definitely more comfortable, and less 'costly', than cure.
Maintenance takes remembering, talking to someone savvy when necessary, and doing what needs doing (whether you want to or not - your marriage vehicle needs what it needs - not what you wish or hope it needs). All maintenance will need to be 'paid' for in some form of currency.
Maintenance is definitely more worth-while, less expensive, and less inconvenient than repair after a gradual or sudden failure to function.
Break-downs are usually unexpected, and definitely costly, needing to be paid for in various forms of currency - breakdowns may even be unrepairable.
Breakdowns in your marriage are definitely not wanted unless you intend for your marriage to end. If your spouse is heading for an intended breakdown and that's not what you want, you definitely want to know soon that he/she is heading in that direction - the situation might or might not still be reversible.
Ignorance in your marriage is definitely not bliss - you deliberately need to know all you can know at any given time about yourself, your special and unique marriage partner; and your unique and irreplaceable "marriage vehicle."

Sobering. Worthwhile work of a whole life.

Join me in living actively and pro-actively as a marriage partner.

On Track

"Once you tick someone off it's very very hard to get them back on track."
Oprah Winfrey

Slowly, Slowly...

"Slowly, slowly. Just breathe and climb."
"Climb above the clouds and see the view."
"They will find the Strength and the Spirit to make the summit they have dreamed of reaching."
"Stamina and Strength of Heart - You don't know you have it until you need it."
- Mount Kilamanjaro guide.

Comments from some of the climbers:
"I could hardly believe a kid like me could make it to a place like this!"
"I was walking in a lazy way and I twisted my knee."

Conflict

"Conflict is necessary - a part of life. A big vision makes for little argument."
"There are no private leaks in a boat."
"Don't confuse an ally with an enemy."
"Find Godly ways to resolve your conflicts."
- Dion Foster
digitaldion@gmail.com

Peace

"There just isn't peace unless there is righteousness."
Author unknown