"Some days I am in love, some days I am not. But you know what?
Every day I am married."
Quoted by Roland Gaspar on Radio Pulpit
Friday, February 20, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Explore Your Dependencies and Addictions
Signs of Unhealthy Dependency/Addiction:
Dependency is usually a slowly developing
condition that catches up on me when I have
been less aware of myself and my
circumstances for a while.
The immediate effects seem good, but after a
period of time I realize that I am shockingly
painfully, harmfully dependent on/addicted to
a substance or behaviour.
The Truth is: Very few people manage their own
lives again without sufficient and effective
professional help.
I may need competent help to bring myself
to balance and under my own subjection again.
There are many signs of unhealthy dependence.
Some of the most obvious ones include:
1 Escaping stress by using a substance
or behaviour. (rather than managing/solving)
2 Developing a tolerance for a substance or
behaviour.
3 Having black-outs or blank-outs.
4 Being secretive about a substance or behaviour.
5 Using a substance or behaviour to anaesthetise
the (sometimes) excruciating/ordinary pain of living.
6 Suffering physical problems: liver disease, trembling,
pains, brain damage.
7 Developing unrealistic fears.
8 Being very aggressive - verbally and/or physically.
9 Feeling extremely sad, sorry and/or guilty.
10 Feeling better than/more important than other people -
or feeling worse than/less important than others.
11 Feeling like you just HAVE TO have another dose
of a substance or behaviour, and then another…
and another… (feeling out of your own control)
12 Lying about using a substance or behaviour.
13 Losing your appetite and eating poorly/oveating.
14 Not caring properly for yourself physically/mentally.
15 Storing and hiding a substance or behaviour.
16 Becoming suspicious and jealous.
17 Using a substance or behaviour from early in the
morning/week/month.
18 Staying blacked-out or blanked out for several days
in a row.
19 Suffering mental functioning problems: can't think
straight, brain feels fuzzy.
20 Being very, overly helpful to others at the expense
of self, family, home, work, other commitments.
Time to take an accounting!
I am either healthily, problem solvingly, stress relievingly free from or reliant/dependent on...
or unhealthily, problem creatingly, stress increasingly reliant or dependent on/addicted to...
Score yourself:
F = Free,
1 = Healthy, problem solving
through 2 and 3 to
4 = Unhealthy, problem creating
Alcohol
Drugs - L = legal / I = illegal
Tobacco
Food or some foods
Shopping/spending money
Saving/thrift
Sport/movement
Fitness/exercise
Sleeping/withdrawing
Solitude/reading/studying/learning
Entertainment/fun/playing
Humour/joking/teasing
Television/TV games
Art/drama/dance
Gambling with money/possessions
Speed/danger/recklessness/risk
Helping others
People/friends/peers
Religion/church/scriptures
Over dramatization
Position/influence/superiority
Sexual activity/thoughts
Aggression - verbal and/or physical
Anger/Rage - inward or outward
Hobbies/interests
Lying/deceiving/pretending/hoping
Feeling sorry for myself
Depression
Work - formal or informal
How did you do?
Where can you start to make a difference in your
dependencies and/or addictions?
Decide to start today!
When you slip - and most of us have on our life-long
journey to sobriety, balance and success -
Sigh. Simply pick yourself up, dust yourself off...
and start all over again, and again and again
until you are more and more in charge of yourself.
Who can help you? Ask for the help you need.
Ether 12:27
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their aweakness. I bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my cgrace is sufficient for all men that dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make eweak things become strong unto them."
Psalms 11:14
14 Where no acounsel is, the people fall: but in the bmultitude of ccounsellors there is safety.
Dependency is usually a slowly developing
condition that catches up on me when I have
been less aware of myself and my
circumstances for a while.
The immediate effects seem good, but after a
period of time I realize that I am shockingly
painfully, harmfully dependent on/addicted to
a substance or behaviour.
The Truth is: Very few people manage their own
lives again without sufficient and effective
professional help.
I may need competent help to bring myself
to balance and under my own subjection again.
There are many signs of unhealthy dependence.
Some of the most obvious ones include:
1 Escaping stress by using a substance
or behaviour. (rather than managing/solving)
2 Developing a tolerance for a substance or
behaviour.
3 Having black-outs or blank-outs.
4 Being secretive about a substance or behaviour.
5 Using a substance or behaviour to anaesthetise
the (sometimes) excruciating/ordinary pain of living.
6 Suffering physical problems: liver disease, trembling,
pains, brain damage.
7 Developing unrealistic fears.
8 Being very aggressive - verbally and/or physically.
9 Feeling extremely sad, sorry and/or guilty.
10 Feeling better than/more important than other people -
or feeling worse than/less important than others.
11 Feeling like you just HAVE TO have another dose
of a substance or behaviour, and then another…
and another… (feeling out of your own control)
12 Lying about using a substance or behaviour.
13 Losing your appetite and eating poorly/oveating.
14 Not caring properly for yourself physically/mentally.
15 Storing and hiding a substance or behaviour.
16 Becoming suspicious and jealous.
17 Using a substance or behaviour from early in the
morning/week/month.
18 Staying blacked-out or blanked out for several days
in a row.
19 Suffering mental functioning problems: can't think
straight, brain feels fuzzy.
20 Being very, overly helpful to others at the expense
of self, family, home, work, other commitments.
Time to take an accounting!
I am either healthily, problem solvingly, stress relievingly free from or reliant/dependent on...
or unhealthily, problem creatingly, stress increasingly reliant or dependent on/addicted to...
Score yourself:
F = Free,
1 = Healthy, problem solving
through 2 and 3 to
4 = Unhealthy, problem creating
Alcohol
Drugs - L = legal / I = illegal
Tobacco
Food or some foods
Shopping/spending money
Saving/thrift
Sport/movement
Fitness/exercise
Sleeping/withdrawing
Solitude/reading/studying/learning
Entertainment/fun/playing
Humour/joking/teasing
Television/TV games
Art/drama/dance
Gambling with money/possessions
Speed/danger/recklessness/risk
Helping others
People/friends/peers
Religion/church/scriptures
Over dramatization
Position/influence/superiority
Sexual activity/thoughts
Aggression - verbal and/or physical
Anger/Rage - inward or outward
Hobbies/interests
Lying/deceiving/pretending/hoping
Feeling sorry for myself
Depression
Work - formal or informal
How did you do?
Where can you start to make a difference in your
dependencies and/or addictions?
Decide to start today!
When you slip - and most of us have on our life-long
journey to sobriety, balance and success -
Sigh. Simply pick yourself up, dust yourself off...
and start all over again, and again and again
until you are more and more in charge of yourself.
Who can help you? Ask for the help you need.
Ether 12:27
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their aweakness. I bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my cgrace is sufficient for all men that dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make eweak things become strong unto them."
Psalms 11:14
14 Where no acounsel is, the people fall: but in the bmultitude of ccounsellors there is safety.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Tears
You may cry if you want to, because my admiration for you cannot be erased by your tears. - M Maartens
Tears are the rivers of life, shed in joy as well as in sadness and fear. - Louise L Hay
You cry when you are able to cry. Dr Oswald CJ Hoffmann "Take Heart in your Grief"
God didn't goof when he gave us tear-ducts. Michael Ballam
Rent a sad movie - cry. - Oprah Winfrey
Tears are the rivers of life, shed in joy as well as in sadness and fear. - Louise L Hay
You cry when you are able to cry. Dr Oswald CJ Hoffmann "Take Heart in your Grief"
God didn't goof when he gave us tear-ducts. Michael Ballam
Rent a sad movie - cry. - Oprah Winfrey
Monday, February 2, 2009
Conflict - Learn how to "Fight Fair"
Let go of your habitual unfair, undignified, unsuccessful fighting styles:
Swallowing your gripes, then dumping them all at once – this is called “kitchen-sink-ing” by some authors X
Playing Prosecutor or Interrogator or Persecutor X
Getting too intense X
Waving off, or dismissing as “not that big a deal”, the other’s grievances X
Trying to Win at all costs. Succeeding in winning is even more devastating X
Not letting your spouse know you love him/her X
Getting defensive. Withdrawing, crumbling, trying to defend yourself X
Getting aggressive. Being critical, fault-finding, hurtfully-jabbing, nasty, ridiculing, sarcastic, mocking, contemptuous, rude, disrespectful, unmannerly X
“Naming, blaming and/or shaming” of self or other X
“When someone is hostile, my instinct is to find out why.” – Cynthia Cooper
(When I am hostile, time to go searching inside me, past, present and future, for anger roots.)
“You can get away with bad fighting habits for only so long, once you are faced with a major crisis, if you haven’t developed good problem-solving skills, you’ll be at greater risk of troubles with your relationship.” - Sybil Carrere
“Often what you are arguing about on the surface isn’t really what the fight is about.”
- Sybil Carrere
“Although your anger feels real, it’s only temporary.” – Renee Bacher
“When you find yourself saying ‘Yes, but…’ it’s a sign that you’ve slammed your mind shut to what the other person has just said.” – Renee Bacher
“You have a choice every time you say something to each other. You can choose: to tear down your relationship or you can nurture it.” - Sybil Carrere
“Ask yourself ‘Would I talk to my best friend or my boss the way I am about to speak to my husband/wife?’ Then choose your words carefully.” - Sybil Carrere
Thank you: Cynthia Cooper, Sybil Carrere, Renee Bacher - RD - Oct 2003 p62, T - Dec 2002 p 51
Some Well Documented Better Strategies for : “Fighting Fair” - Managing your conflicts more effectively and problem-solvingly:
1. Talk, talk, talk. If the situation gets ugly or unfruitful, take a ‘time-out’. Do some ‘weeding’ of your own resentments and bitterness’s and other bad habits. Talk again – as soon as you both can. “It is better to debate an issue and not settle it than to settle an issue and not debate it”.
2. Try until you succeed. Accurately get to understanding your own, and the other’s, feelings, significance, and point of view. This may take years.
3. Be increasingly sensitive and honest about your own and the other’s feelings and hidden agendas – work gently and respectfully, respectably. Develop a genuine interest in your own and the other’s feelings and point of view.
4. Come clean. Your true cause and motive for your feud? Seek the other’s deep reasons for the conflict. “What am I/are you afraid of?” “What might be the fear?”
5. Ask yourself (and maybe the other) “Is this productive?” “Now?”
6. Stick to the point at hand. If you want to discuss other things, do it later.
7. Try something (anything!) different – get out of your ‘repetitive cycles’ and unproductive patterns “If you keep on doing what you have always done, you will keep on getting what you have always got”.
8. Stay connected. Get connected again, when you can, if your ‘connection’ has frayed. Introduce some positives, and make some ‘deposits’ into your relationship.
9. Find ways to nurture your relationship mid-dispute, creatively.
10. Let your spouse know by your big and small actions, between disputes, how much they are genuinely respected, cared about, listened to, loved.
11. After discussion, find Compromises that please you both – keep working toward compromises – however long it takes
12. Co-exist (“agree to disagree, agreeably”) for as long as you have to
13. Collaborate more and more – celebrate your differences. Make them work increasingly FOR you instead of AGAINST you – turn your defeats into victories. “Two heads are better than one.” “We are a magnificent team.”
14. Work towards WIN/WIN situations and let go of the lose/win and the win/lose. These are usually personal and relationship losses.
15. Keep conflict-avoidance to a minimum. Have regular, small, gentle clean-outs of ‘issues’. “How are you doing? Do we have anything to clear up?”
16. Promise yourself not to dismiss gripes “If this is important to you, it’s important to me too. I want to understand you and how this looks to you.”
17. Take a breather. Rephrase. What are you hearing? Work on your own approach. If you get stuck the same way, over and over, ask someone you trust and respect for some ideas. Keep searching until you find what works for you.
18. Cultivate your own problem-solving, mild, appropriate sense of humour.
19. Breathe deeply, regularly. Strong emotions need lots of oxygenated blood flowing to the body and brain-in-stress.
20. GROW UP – Get Rid Of (your own) Weaknesses - Under Pressure. (Steadily, forever.) Change yourself - you can't change anybody else.
Swallowing your gripes, then dumping them all at once – this is called “kitchen-sink-ing” by some authors X
Playing Prosecutor or Interrogator or Persecutor X
Getting too intense X
Waving off, or dismissing as “not that big a deal”, the other’s grievances X
Trying to Win at all costs. Succeeding in winning is even more devastating X
Not letting your spouse know you love him/her X
Getting defensive. Withdrawing, crumbling, trying to defend yourself X
Getting aggressive. Being critical, fault-finding, hurtfully-jabbing, nasty, ridiculing, sarcastic, mocking, contemptuous, rude, disrespectful, unmannerly X
“Naming, blaming and/or shaming” of self or other X
“When someone is hostile, my instinct is to find out why.” – Cynthia Cooper
(When I am hostile, time to go searching inside me, past, present and future, for anger roots.)
“You can get away with bad fighting habits for only so long, once you are faced with a major crisis, if you haven’t developed good problem-solving skills, you’ll be at greater risk of troubles with your relationship.” - Sybil Carrere
“Often what you are arguing about on the surface isn’t really what the fight is about.”
- Sybil Carrere
“Although your anger feels real, it’s only temporary.” – Renee Bacher
“When you find yourself saying ‘Yes, but…’ it’s a sign that you’ve slammed your mind shut to what the other person has just said.” – Renee Bacher
“You have a choice every time you say something to each other. You can choose: to tear down your relationship or you can nurture it.” - Sybil Carrere
“Ask yourself ‘Would I talk to my best friend or my boss the way I am about to speak to my husband/wife?’ Then choose your words carefully.” - Sybil Carrere
Thank you: Cynthia Cooper, Sybil Carrere, Renee Bacher - RD - Oct 2003 p62, T - Dec 2002 p 51
Some Well Documented Better Strategies for : “Fighting Fair” - Managing your conflicts more effectively and problem-solvingly:
1. Talk, talk, talk. If the situation gets ugly or unfruitful, take a ‘time-out’. Do some ‘weeding’ of your own resentments and bitterness’s and other bad habits. Talk again – as soon as you both can. “It is better to debate an issue and not settle it than to settle an issue and not debate it”.
2. Try until you succeed. Accurately get to understanding your own, and the other’s, feelings, significance, and point of view. This may take years.
3. Be increasingly sensitive and honest about your own and the other’s feelings and hidden agendas – work gently and respectfully, respectably. Develop a genuine interest in your own and the other’s feelings and point of view.
4. Come clean. Your true cause and motive for your feud? Seek the other’s deep reasons for the conflict. “What am I/are you afraid of?” “What might be the fear?”
5. Ask yourself (and maybe the other) “Is this productive?” “Now?”
6. Stick to the point at hand. If you want to discuss other things, do it later.
7. Try something (anything!) different – get out of your ‘repetitive cycles’ and unproductive patterns “If you keep on doing what you have always done, you will keep on getting what you have always got”.
8. Stay connected. Get connected again, when you can, if your ‘connection’ has frayed. Introduce some positives, and make some ‘deposits’ into your relationship.
9. Find ways to nurture your relationship mid-dispute, creatively.
10. Let your spouse know by your big and small actions, between disputes, how much they are genuinely respected, cared about, listened to, loved.
11. After discussion, find Compromises that please you both – keep working toward compromises – however long it takes
12. Co-exist (“agree to disagree, agreeably”) for as long as you have to
13. Collaborate more and more – celebrate your differences. Make them work increasingly FOR you instead of AGAINST you – turn your defeats into victories. “Two heads are better than one.” “We are a magnificent team.”
14. Work towards WIN/WIN situations and let go of the lose/win and the win/lose. These are usually personal and relationship losses.
15. Keep conflict-avoidance to a minimum. Have regular, small, gentle clean-outs of ‘issues’. “How are you doing? Do we have anything to clear up?”
16. Promise yourself not to dismiss gripes “If this is important to you, it’s important to me too. I want to understand you and how this looks to you.”
17. Take a breather. Rephrase. What are you hearing? Work on your own approach. If you get stuck the same way, over and over, ask someone you trust and respect for some ideas. Keep searching until you find what works for you.
18. Cultivate your own problem-solving, mild, appropriate sense of humour.
19. Breathe deeply, regularly. Strong emotions need lots of oxygenated blood flowing to the body and brain-in-stress.
20. GROW UP – Get Rid Of (your own) Weaknesses - Under Pressure. (Steadily, forever.) Change yourself - you can't change anybody else.
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