The Time Trap

Number 1 of this series of 12 Traps:

Dear Friends

Explore again with Brent A Barlow (“Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and how to avoid them”) and me: The Time Trap

The TIME TRAP:
Spending an inadequate amount of time as a married couple to maintain or improve our marriage.

Time: A measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists.

By measuring, or observing where we spend our time, we can obtain a fairly accurate evaluation of what we value in life. How does the time spent with your spouse figure in this time evaluation?
“I don’t have time” you may say. The truth is, we all have the same amount of time. We find/make time to do the things we want to do, the things we value.

We’re often somewhat sensitive about the time we spend with our children – are we sensitive about the time we spend with our spouse? Sometimes we are bluffed into thinking that the time building our family will also build our marriage. Not so. Building a marriage often requires different activities… and time apart from the children.

Less effective time together

Watching television together
Puttering around the house doing chores
Eating meals
Sleeping

More effective time together

Time when there are little or no distractions such as children, television, newspapers or phone calls.
Isolated time when you and your spouse can talk to each other, about each other, on the deeper levels of ideas, emotions and feelings, rather than the routines of things and people.

Try this: Out of the 168 hours of each week, how many hours do you devote to:

Grouped into “Necessary / Individual / Recreational / Family / Couple” Activities

N - Sleeping ____
N - Job/occupation ____
N - Household management ____
N - Eating ____
N - Child care ____
I/R/F - Sports/hobbies ____
I/R/F - Exercise/health care ____
I/R/F - Education/study ____
I/R/F - Church/community ____
I/R/F - Reading ____
I/R/F - Television ____
F - Extended family ____
F - Family and friends ____
F - Children ____
F - Children/children and spouse ____
C - Significant time with spouse ____

Total: 168 hours = 100%


How did you do?

Frankly, most of us pay lip service to the importance of our marriages and don’t have much evidence to substantiate our words.

“It is easier to change oil in engines than to change engines!”
“You can pay a little now, or a lot later”
We become careless about the maintenance of our cars…
How is the maintenance of our own marriage doing?

You cannot keep drawing from a bank account without replenishing it…
Do we try to do this with our own marriage?

“In my estimation you are caught in the Time Trap if you are spending only two to three hours a week on marriage maintenance.” - Brent A Barlow

How to get out of the TIME TRAP: LDS - Let’s Do Something!

Let ME do something!

I will spend twenty minutes a day with my spouse in

TIME (talk and listen)
TALK (about significant things to me AND to my spouse)
TOUCH (hold hands, an arm around the shoulder or waist
Stroke hair, arm, touch face, cheek, ear, etc.)

Twenty minutes a day will help keep Dr Barlow (an other marriage counsellors) away!

Twenty minutes a day is better than a block of time per week!

Twenty minutes a day is suggested by Dr Barlow as a minimum amount to maintain a marriage, more is needed to help it flourish. One person - you - can make a difference! One person doing something is better than no-one doing something!

What happens if you travel away from home? How can you spend a minimum of twenty minutes a day with your spouse although you’re not physically with each other?

Do you have enough time to build and improve your marriage? You have as much time as anyone else.

Like other living things, a marriage must have time, and sufficient of what it needs to survive and more than the mimimum to thrive.

A good month to you – I’m working on these things too…

Watch and Be Ready

Watch: To be attentive or vigilant; to keep guard; to keep someone or something under close observation.

Brent Barlow (a family therapist) wrote a book called “Twelve Traps in Today’s Marriage and How to Avoid them”. He discusses the essential quality of alertness in our marriages.

A marriage myth: “Divorce? It can’t/won’t happen to me”

The truth: Any marriage can end in divorce – yours and mine included.
Some apparently “married” people are actually “divorced”…
Many of us are not taking enough action to reinforce our marriages.
- Those most aware of the danger are often the ones least harmed!
(They stand guard… and do what needs doing in time)

Plan of action: LDS - Let’s Do Something!

Let’s do something about our marital relationships
while we still have the opportunity and the time to do it.

“If you fear, then fear not. If you fear not, then fear.” Do both! In balance!

Am I fearful/complacent about my marriage?

How is my own personal life?

Am I watching and correcting myself?

What’s really happening in my own marriage? In my own family?

Personal application: What do I need to do for my marriage? Watch? Think? Pray?

What can I personally do better/differently to improve my marriage?

What is the wisest part of me whispering to me to do/change?

Am I resisting or yielding to this quiet knowing? How? Why?

“Watch yourselves and your thoughts and your words and your deeds.”

“Who am I to judge another when I walk imperfectly?”